Ask Dr. Silver
The following are past questions and answers from Dr. Larry Silver on this topic.
What can an ADHD teenager do who feels like their parents see only the bad things they do?
I am 14 years old and I have ADHD. I have had it all my life but it only started to become a real problem in 8th grade. I started to slack off and my grades dropped. I knew it was because I was not paying enough attention in class, but I can't help it. So my parents just made my suffering worse by making threats. I was not going to go back to my school if my grades didn't improve, or I was going to go to military school and never see my friends again. It just all made me feel worse.
My parents just emphasize all the bad things that I do and just make me feel like I want to die or something. They have no idea that I feel this way. The only person that does know is a trusted teacher. I am not sure how to cope with all the built up sadness and anger towards myself for not being the perfect child that my parents seem to want me to be.
I have a younger brother with mental disabilities and all their attention seems to be on him and less on me. I feel like they don't even notice the little good I do. They only seem to see the bad that I do.
Nikki
You are struggling and I am glad you are trying to get help. You mention several problems: (1) You are struggling in eighth grade: (2) your parents appear to be responding with punishment and criticism rather than responding by trying to figure out why you are having difficult; (3) your brother sometimes gets most of your parent’s attention; and, no one appears to realize how much you are hurting emotionally. I am glad you are seeking help. You are fortunate to have a trusted teacher.
You need help from people at school to work with you and with your parents. Start with that trusted teacher. Maybe show this teacher my comments. The two of you might know a school counselor or special education teacher who could be asked to help.
First, many students with ADHD also have problems with organization and with what is called executive function. They have problems organizing their materials (notebooks, papers, reports, homework) and they have equal problems organizing the information in their head. They might read well but not remember what they have read. They might know a lot but have difficulty organizing this information in order to write and answer to a question or to write a report or paper. If this sounds like you, further educational studies might clarify your problems and then clarify how to help.
Second, ask this teacher to go with you to the school counselor to discuss how best to bring your parents on board in an effort to help you rather than to make you upset and angry.
(July 2008)
How does a person with a learning disability handle emotional trauma caused by LD?
I’ve had trouble reading and writing for as long as I can remember. I always did well in school and even enrolled in gifted classes. I managed to keep up with the work, but at the same time I struggled with my disability. I felt ashamed and stupid. It was a secret I had to hide and I was terrified that someone would find out.
I learned to cope and hide my disability and consequently I never received help throughout grade school. I believe my fear of reading out loud has developed into a phobia, which has triggered panic attacks.
In college as an engineering student, I insisted on being tested for a learning disability, so I could receive help for my writing classes. After testing positive for a learning disability, I discovered that the aid being offered by the school was not helpful. In addition, my high school study habits of doing the minimum amount of work was no longer cutting it. I eventually stopped going to school and started seeing a therapist.
After dropping out of school, I sunk into a deep depression. I may have other problems I have not been able to pinpoint yet. Despite seeing a therapist for a long time, I have not been able to get back on my feet. I currently live with my parents. I have no job and no social life. I have little will to work on my problems and become anxious thinking about taking steps to work on my problems. I have not been able to get myself to do much of anything for about two years now. I’ve had a few therapists and a psychologist diagnose me with emotional trauma.
I wonder if you know of any resources concerning emotional trauma caused by learning disabilities. I would also appreciate any wisdom you can send my way.
Your problems are serious and I am sorry you find yourself where you are now. It is possible that your depression is the result of your years of frustration and failure. If so, this might be the theme of the therapy. Or, it might be that the same disabilities that prevented you from being successful in school continue to impact on your ability to work or handle life skills. Or, the depression might be a disorder often found with individuals who have learning disabilities.
What ever the cause, medication can help to minimize the depression. Talking therapy often does not help as much as seeking an educational or vocational counselor to help you pick up the pieces and get on with your life. Included in this help would be any remedial work for your learning disabilities as well as helping you develop compensatory techniques. The focus will also be on vocational initiatives and knowing what accommodations you might need.
(September 2007)
For more information on this topic, please visit the Self Esteem & Stress Management section in LD InDepth.
