I am an adult with a husband who has ADHDand a 10 year old son who has ADHD. I have more trouble dealing with my husband who expects my son to be able to behave properly and remember conversations and responsibilities when he is unable to do so himself.
Do any other adults with ADHD or spouses of adults with ADHD have any ideas that will help? Example: a large explosion just took place in our house because our children were sent outside to do a chore, and my son was on the sofa with a thermometer in his mouth due to the fact that out of the blue he spiked a 102 temp yesterday. My husband got upset with my son for not coming outside when he was told and therefore was trying to punish him after he did go outside. He refused to let my son to explain what had happened and when I intervened it became a large, expletive filled mess. When the smoke cleared, I learned that though he had been in the room and walked right passed my son, he never noticed the thermometer and therefore thought he was slacking. This is a regular situation, where he is oblivious to conversations and his surroundings even when he has joined in on the conversation.
I am very close to filing for divorce, and yes we have seen a counselor. My husband REFUSES to take meds, and most he cannot take due to high blood pressure. Any ideas on how to either help me to cope or help him to remember that he has a problem would be very much appreciated.
Re: How to deal with?
Yes, he admits he has a problem, however doesn’t feel he needs to do anything about it. And yes you did catch that we are a blended family. He is not my son’s father but has been raising him for the last almost 6 years. The counselor we went to was trained to deal with both, as families that deal with ADHD usually needa family, couple and individual therapy. We stopped seeing her as a couple because my husband felt “attacked” when we were there-basically he felt she took “my side” on conflicts.
It is more an issue of my not feeling that I should constantly verify that he is aware of what is going on around him, and his feeling that it is not his responsibility to know what is going on around him. Yes there is a lot more going on, but this is the area in which my patience has run thin.
Re: How to deal with?
Try interactive metronome if he won’t do meds. It has been found in studies to be effective for treating adhd. Many people on the parenting board have used it with their kids and found them to be more in organized and in tune with things.
My son is currently doing it, he just finished 2 presessions. I am considering doing it to treat my own organizational issues. I just feel like my life could be better if I was more organized and focused.
Some men have difficulty admitting weakness. It is that old manly man thing rearing its ugly head. It was probably how his father raised him. Also, if they experienced alot of critisism growing up it probably brings up old wounds.
You could approach interactive metronome from the sports angle. Many very famous jocks have done it to improve their performance. Dan Marino and the other Miami Dolphins, the Miami Heat and many golfers. Some have been successful at getting insurance to pay. I think an ADHD diagnosis helps.
One other thing.
Sometimes my son and husband go at it with the yelling. They are so alike. My husband comes from a loving but loud family. My family would yell and it wasn’t quite so loving.
My husband and son can have a yelling match and 10 minutes later be hugging on the couch. It is a different way that they communicate that has nothing to do with me. I used to be appalled but now see it for what it is. If I ever felt that it crossed the line of verbal abuse I would step in. It never does. So, I had to set aside my own baggage and be ok with them being who they are.
I am not saying this is the case in your situation, but just something I realized after taking a long hard look at mine.
Re: How to deal with?
I’ll just add one thing. Added to the quiet time and talk. Go to the donut shop and talk. You and your husband.
When I began doing that it was perfect. No arguments. nothing because we knew better. But i do think an apology to the kids is in order also.
I regret that. I am not so glad to see that their are others whose behavior is like mine but out heart does not mean nor know any better at times, because we react much too fast for us too think of the right way.
Hi Beverly,
You said your husband refuses to take meds but does he at least admit he has a problem? When telling your story, you kept saying “my son” instead of “our son”. Is your son’s father a different man than your husband? The counselor you’ve been seeing - is she a marriage counselor or an ADD counselor?
My suggestion would be that in a quiet, private time, well after the blowup when everyone is truly calmed down, have a gentle conversation with your husband outlining your concerns such as, “I’m concerned by what happened this afternoon. I understand that you thought “Bobby” was slacking and that upset you because you didn’t know he was ill. This type of situation is upsetting and divisive for the entire family. What do you think can be done to help keep this type of family blowup from happening again?” Then listen carefully to his response no matter how defensive and try to glean any positive response, no matter how small, to respond to. Also, asking for his help in a non-threatening way puts him into the position of being a problem-solver rather than him just being the problem.
I am not a counselor but from what you’ve indicated, it sounds as if there are several issues going on here. If you’re not seeing a counselor at this time, singly and as a couple, I would encourage to do so. I would especially look for one who has experience treating ADHD.
Blessings, momo