Hello,
I have a boyfriend with ADD. He is in his thirties and has never had treatment. He’ll talk about the disorder, but he seems resistant to go get help. Trouble is, something is really missing from our relationship. It’s hard for me to put my finger on, but I think we just can’t bond the way we need to because of his ADD. One reason that he can’t give me what I need as far as attention goes — I really can’t fully express myself without a big letdown because I always lose him halfway through a story (the worst part of this is I probably need more attention than most). Another reason is that he is very fearful in social situations, so much that he won’t talk and will look like a deer in headlights a lot. It ends up then just a totally awkward outing for both of us, and being out and social is something I really love. And finally, he is just not open with me, and I think he just can’t be because he can’t get his thoughts in line.
He will talk about his ADD, but he seems apathetic about it. It bothers him, but I wonder to myself why he doesn’t seek treatment.
My questions to others with ADD are these… do these behavoirs get significantly better with drugs? Should I push him to get help or let him go?
Re: is this normal?
Hi
i think what you are describing is real and above all honest.
I think that maybe he needs attention also. Not that you don’t give it to him but he needs to be treated just a tad special. (don’t over do it)
As far as him not being attentive, that too is normal and need be dealt with.
Perhaps the both of you can go out for coffee and donuts (always a safe place to prevent an argument) and talk about a good time that both of you need to be attentive to one another. Save all your real important questions till then. On the same hand I would also not let him escape responsability. He is able to learn how to listen. But go slow.
As far as he not being a social person is understandable. I myself was in the public since a child so it comes easy for me, but I think i would concentrate on home entertaining until he feels comfortable with others. have him ne part of helping with the entertaining and helping also with the cooking and appetizing.
Practice games with him and see which ones he would be most comfortable with. Yahtzee over trivia. Board games over question and answer games. And most of all read about ADD/ADHD.
i know how frustrating it can be. I am suffering what you are except in reverse. So take it slow and be patient. It isn’t all going to happen at once. One step at a time. :)
Re: is this normal?
OK I am going to get attacked by everyone with ADHD on this board, but these symptoms will not go away without treatment and he does not appear to intend to get treatment. I have been there, and in the proces of a divorce because of it. Conversation to me is very important, he could not sustain his attention for more than 5 minutes without wandering or grabbing for the remote. The conversations he was “paying attention” to processed wrong and led to misunderstandings when he had no idea what I had actually said. Be careful that you can handle things the way they are now, don’t expect them to change and don’t think that things won’t annoy you more later. This is him, the way he is, to expect him to change for you is unrealistic. It took me 6 years to figure this out for myself, and in fairness to him it was half my fault to expect things would be any different later. Anyone is on their best behavior when you are dating, the distractions get more intense later. Good Luck.
Re: is this normal?
WoW That was from the heart! I really feel for you in a lot of ways. I hope that you are smart enough to know when you are beat! not to be harsh, there is more and more information out there to help people with this disorder.
I have ruined a lot of relations,and broken dreams and hearts around the
planet from my adhd. I tryed many differnt things since I was diagnosed at 30 now at the age of 37 I relieze, that I cannot function unless I take care of my disorder. This entails treatment with medication,ie(ritalin). as well as therapy,
and education. And a whole lot of self advocacy at this point in time. I would
assume that when your boyfriend has had enough of himself, then maybe he will seek treatment, if he remembers too. But help is out there for you -yourself if you look into it. I hope you have the patience, understanding and a lot of love for him as well as your self. I dont wish people luck so all the best , and remember to take care of #1. Mr Freeze. “_”
Re: is this normal?
I give you alot of credit,i got help after flunking an exam in college for the 3rd time and was right on target.But,atleast you are there to help and support.
If you read the books,then you will know what the future brings.
couples suffer alot,the non Add’S even more b/c they are the ones aren’t battling everyday.My situation turned into a breakup,but life goes on.
I wish you all the very best and hope it works out,Someday i will settle down
maybe????But,i am seeing a counselor and feel better.
mike
Re: is this normal?
I just started treatment after my wife was ready to leave me. As for social situations the reason they are uncomfortable or avoided by him is probably impulsevety. I would often avoid social situations not involving friends who are used to my antics. I could control this impulsevety but it required me to be pretty detached from people. If I drank watch out, I would say or do some very innapropriate things and feel like an idiot right afterwards. Sometimes not even realize how bad it was until my wife tould me the next day. With tratment (I am on strattera) I don’t have these outbursts even when intoxicated. And can have a serious conversation with my wife without leaving the room or grabbing the remote. He should at least try a medication and see if he likes it. Tell him his profesional life will improve dramatically as well.
Re: is this normal?
It sounds like he suffers from depression. I’m not a psychiatrist, but recognize the pattern—self consciousness, self-degradation, anti-social, unresponsiveness—all support the inference that the man is emotionally depressed.
Since he is aware of his ADD and has chosen not to pursue treatment at this time, it seems that he is either more or less ok with the way things are or is not ready to do anything about it yet. He may feel that he has it under control, or that it’s not such an impact to his life that it’s anything that needs treatment. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as he is ok with it and able to do what he needs to do.
Drugs for ADD will not change who he is, what he values, or likes to do. If he is lucky enough to find something that works well for him, he will have increased focus. What he enjoys doing with this focus is up to him, and it might not end up being what you enjoy doing.