What was the teacher thinking??

They’d blame her anyway — hey, she’s the one with no friends. THey don’t want to blame their friends. Probably approaching the teacher about the incident would be trying to deal with a symptom, not the problem.
What, after your conferences, is being done to help your daughter in her social and academic struggles?
You might want to set up some kind of feedback system so that the teacher knows what things are working and what isn’t.

When working with teachers, never ‘confront’ them. It doesn’t serve well as they don’t respond well to it.

Give her a call, drop her an e-mail or write her a note. Your best bet in this case is likely a phone call. Tell her that since the worksheet, your daughter is being blamed for that. Remind her nicely of the fact that your daughter has no friends in the classroom and ask nicely if there’s any way to stop the misperception of the other kids.

Just be mindful that - these things tend to blow over quickly and having the teacher bring it up to the class may freshen it in the kids’ minds. If it were my daughter, I’d go the route of reassuring her that the kids forget these things quickly and what I’d be asking this teacher for are some good suggestions of kids that might be invited over for ‘playdates’ to try to build some friendships for your daughter in her class.

Good luck.

I disagree that things like this just blow over. If your daughter is being blaned this time, it may be just too convenient to do it again the next time. You shouldn’t trivialize it with your daughter, either. Her feeling of worthlessness will be magnified if you dismiss her worries as no big deal.

Many of our kids need direct instruction in social skills. You need to analyze why she has no friends. How does she relate to other children? How do other kids her age relate to each other? What’s the difference between these styles of interaction. You should discuss with her how she can change the situation, what she can do to focus attention on her positives (and make sure she is aware of her positives, so she can interact with other kids from a stronger position with more self-esteem). You should also approach the teacher, not about this incident, but see if she would help you develop a set of social skills goals and objectives and a program for implementing them. See if you can make the teacher her advocate, then you have enlisted her support rather than alienating her. You can include other professionals such as the guidance counselor, school psychologist, or her case manager, but don’t make the teacher feel as if everyone is ganging up on her. In fact, you might want to meet with the teacher alone at first and ask her if she would like to meet again with you and any other staff members who might help. That puts the initiative for consultation in her court, empowering her, but making her feel obligated to do something.

Finally, you may want to get your daughter in therapy or on a team or club where she has talent, so she can develop her talents and demonstrate competence to herself and others while developing friendships.

At our school, we have only special education students, and we have 3 full-time staff members doing this kind of work for only 130 students. It’s very important.

Fern

Hi there. I’ve had similar experiences through the years with my daughter. I think you are wise to wait until the smoke clears and you can approach the teacher in an objective manner. People tend to resist anything you say if you come across as hot-tempered, demanding, and accusational.

Is the teacher aware of your child’s social difficulties? Has she taken any steps in the classroom to help the kids tolerate each other? Is she *willing* to do these things? If not, you will have to pick up the slack, and teach your child how to deal with being alienated and friendless. Counseling can help…but if you can get your child into a social skills training class (with a small group of their own peers), it can have a wonderful impact on your child’s ability to socialize effectively. The school district my daughter attends pays for her to go to an intensive social skills training groups; where their focus is in social cognition. And I add to that by grabbing any opportunities I have to give her direct instruction at home.

Our kids’ success depends upon the school’s willingness to do whatever it takes to help them succeed, and in the parents reinforcing and taking an active part in their academic and social lives. If you have an uncooperative teacher who will not go the extra mile, the student will suffer. Likewise, if the parent is uncooperative, the student will suffer. The schools and the parents *ought* to always work together for the good of the students.

Sometimes, we face these uncooperative teachers. It usually leads to a long, hard year of frustration and discouragement.

My daughter experienced teachers on both spectrums. In particular, one who would ridicule her in front of the class (causing deep emotional scars). When I tried to reason and teach the teacher to have compassion, it was met with resistance and a refusal to change her style of relating. On the other hand, my daughter experienced a teacher just last year, who cared deeply for these kids on an individual level. Within the first 2 weeks of school, she arranged a picture collage of them, and reinforced that they (as a class) were a family that year. They were expected to treat each other with respect, to look out for each other on the playground, to be helpful and kind. I’ll tell you: IT WORKED! For the first time in my daughter’s life, she felt like she was [i][u]somebody[/u][/i][u]. She knew, without a doubt, that her teacher [i]cared[/i]. It was the best experience in school that she’s ever had.

Will she always have teachers with that kind of dedication? No. Can I demand or expect that all teachers become like that? No. People are individuals, each with their own unique background that has influenced them to be who they are now. My responsibility becomes these:
1. To [i]support[/i] my daughter in dealing effectively with the teachers who are assigned to her;
2. To help [i]sensitize[/i] teachers who [i]aren’t[/i] sensitive to their students needs.
3. To teach my daughter to respect the [i]authority[/i] that is placed over her, even if she disagrees (you can respect a [i]position[/i] without respecting the [i]person[/i], or the person’s decisions)
4. [b]Do[/b] whatever I can to bring about success in my daughter’s social, academic, and spiritual life.

We do not live in a perfect world. All we can do is strive to deal effectively with the problems that come up in our lives. My motto is this: Do what you can to educate, to teach, to train, to help; and leave the rest to God.

My $.02

Kathy

[/u]

Hi there. I’ve had similar experiences through the years with my daughter. I think you are wise to wait until the smoke clears and you can approach the teacher in an objective manner. People tend to resist anything you say if you come across as hot-tempered, demanding, and accusational.

Is the teacher aware of your child’s social difficulties? Has she taken any steps in the classroom to help the kids tolerate each other? Is she *willing* to do these things? If not, you will have to pick up the slack, and teach your child how to deal with being alienated and friendless. Counseling can help…but if you can get your child into a social skills training class (with a small group of their own peers), it can have a wonderful impact on your child’s ability to socialize effectively. The school district my daughter attends pays for her to go to an intensive social skills training groups; where their focus is in social cognition. And I add to that by grabbing any opportunities I have to give her direct instruction at home.

Our kids’ success depends upon the school’s willingness to do whatever it takes to help them succeed, and in the parents reinforcing and taking an active part in their academic and social lives. If you have an uncooperative teacher who will not go the extra mile, the student will suffer. Likewise, if the parent is uncooperative, the student will suffer. The schools and the parents *ought* to always work together for the good of the students.

Sometimes, we face these uncooperative teachers. It usually leads to a long, hard year of frustration and discouragement.

My daughter experienced teachers on both spectrums. In particular, one who would ridicule her in front of the class (causing deep emotional scars). When I tried to reason and teach the teacher to have compassion, it was met with resistance and a refusal to change her style of relating. On the other hand, my daughter experienced a teacher just last year, who cared deeply for these kids on an individual level. Within the first 2 weeks of school, she arranged a picture collage of them, and reinforced that they (as a class) were a family that year. They were expected to treat each other with respect, to look out for each other on the playground, to be helpful and kind. I’ll tell you: IT WORKED! For the first time in my daughter’s life, she felt like she was [i][u]somebody[/u][/i]. She knew, without a doubt, that her teacher [i]cared[/i]. It was the best experience in school that she’s ever had.

Will she always have teachers with that kind of dedication? No. Can I demand or expect that all teachers become like that? No. People are individuals, each with their own unique background that has influenced them to be who they are now. My responsibility becomes these:
1. To [i]support[/i] my daughter in dealing effectively with the teachers who are assigned to her;
2. To help [i]sensitize[/i] teachers who [i]aren’t[/i] sensitive to their students needs.
3. To teach my daughter to respect the [i]authority[/i] that is placed over her, even if she disagrees (you can respect a [i]position[/i] without respecting the [i]person[/i], or the person’s decisions)
4. [b]Do[/b] whatever I can to bring about success in my daughter’s social, academic, and spiritual life.

We do not live in a perfect world. All we can do is strive to deal effectively with the problems that come up in our lives. My motto is this: Do what you can to educate, to teach, to train, to help; and leave the rest to God.

My $.02

Kathy

[/u]