I am desperate for feedback from others. I am struggling with my older son, my husband, my dad and his wife misunderstanding the disorder of ADHD in my younger son (TH is 19 and living in student housing and enrolled in his first semester in college). They want my son (TH) with ADHD to meet up to their expectations and he doesn’t. They accuse me of coddling him and making excuses for him when they see him as socially unacceptable. They believe TH is mean, crass, and intentionally destroying their calm and well-being when he visits home. I am at a loss in explaining the disorder and that my ADHD son never wanted to be the kid he is, he never wanted to have the social difficulties he has, and he never would wish the way he feels about himself, on anyone. He feels like a misfit and he does not know why.
Am I enabling his inappropriate behavior? Or am I being an advocate? As a counselor, I know deep down that I am doing what feels like the right thing for my son. But I am unhappy that I am not being able to make the people in our lives believe that TH would do and act differently if he could at this time in his life.
Help me if you can with your input. [color=darkblue][/color]
I’d say there’s a fine line to draw here. It kind of depends *what* expectations he is not meeting.
If he is just not getting exellent grades in school, none of their business. If he is not sitting down to eat formal dinners, well that is not the most polite thing but if he doesn’t get in anyone’s way it can be dealt with.
On the other side of the coin, perhaps you could use your counselling listening skills to listen to *their* pain.
Is he keeping people from sleeping? Sleep deprivation can make anyone difficult. Is he constantly making very loud noise that makes it impossible for others to relax in their own home? This can wear down your nerves, especially if you have sensory issues yourself. Is he appropriating others’ prized possessions? This can be very hurtful. Is he leaving large amounts of dirt (not just one unwashed cup, but a half-eaten meal or spilled soup or unflushed toilets etc.) in spaces that other people need to use? This can drive you to distraction when you feel uncomfortable in your own home, and you either have to live in garbage or be his personal servant following after him to clean. Is he lying to people? This is just impossible to live with. Is he saying things that cause a lot of pain? Even if statements may be true from one point of view, there are things better left unsaid — you don’t call him lazy or stupid because of his ADHD, and he cannot call other people names and expect to get away with it.
I’ve been there, done that, and have learned to draw the line. Counselling and support is one thing, being a doormat and enabling is another.
Can you start with some direct and simple lessons in what to say and what not?