How to tell your child

My son had a visual motor deficit. I told him he had a problem with his eyes and this problem made some things harder for him. I then told him we were going to do everything we could to fix the problem. I told him we were a team. I also told him his dad had the same problem when he was a boy.

I also emphasized some of his areas of strength and told him we all have things we need to work on. We all have strenths and weaknesses. I explained my own weaknesses and emphasized that I wished someone had helped me with them when I was a child.

Kids are concrete, they don’t understand esoteric words and I personally believe you shouldn’t give them more information than they need or can even grasp. As they get older you can get into more and more detail if you need to.

I have never used the word disabled with my son. I don’t think it is a word a child should have in his head. It is a word that implies he is powerless.

My son was much younger when I first broached the topic. He was 7, and had finished first grade without reading. I told him that he learned differently than most kids and we needed to find someone who could teach him.

I think the important thing is to give kids some sense of control over their disabilities. They need to know that there are things that can be done. So if you found he had difficulties reading because he doesn’t know how to decode words well enough, I would just tell him that. I would tell him that some kids need to be taught the alphabet code very explicitly and schools aren’t very good at that. So this summer we’re going to do X. It will make reading easier for you next year.

Unlike Linda, I have used the language of learning disabilities with my son, but I didn’t start there. Kids who struggle do wonder if they are dumb so I would let your son lead on this one. My son has wondered if he was retarded like his down’s syndrome cousin so learning that he was LD was a relief. LD just means that they have unexpected low ability in relationship to otherwise normal or above average ability. I have just told my son everyone has strengths and weakensses, LD just means they are more pronounced.

I think the label LD has actually empowered him because it gives him an explanation for having to work harder than other people other than being dumb.

Beth

What kind of summer classes?

I’m LD as well so its never really been an issue around my house. Its been more along the lines of “God makes us all different and he got creative with you. Your strenghts are very strong and your weak areas are really rather weak. We need to play on your strengths and help the weak areas get stronger.”

I do use the term learning disability because it is as real of a disability as having to use a wheelchair. This is something my son will need to deal with all his life. He knows, however, that that means he needs to compensate, not drop out or be hopeless. I can see where this could be an issue though for families where neither parent is LD.

Good luck.
Barb

heeheehee. sorry…

Just read your post in the ADHD forum.

I noticed you plan on having “the talk” on Saturday. You know your family best but may I suggest making it less formal?

I would be overwhelmed if someone sat me down and told me I was ADHD, LD, ODD and everything else all at once too.

Perhaps you could start slowly…ie the tests show you learn differenetly than others so we plan on doing school differently next year…here are the changes. Or, everyone’s brain makes certain chemicals. Your brain has a difficult time making one so we are going to try some meds that help your brain.

Then later on you add medical and educational results.

What type of LD are we discussing here?

Barb

I agree with bgb. I wouldn’t have a “talk” but causually mention things in the course of some activity that could be stopped if your child was interested. I’d also consider having only one parent “talk” just because having both your parents sit you down, well, that is emotion laden. What you want is a acceptance that this is just how things are and it isn’t that big of a deal.

With my son, there have been lots of conversations over a period of years so don’t feel like this is the one big talk.

There is noone LD in my family and I still find the LD label useful. I too though would be careful how many things you load on your son at once. I would skip the OCD one totally, especially since noone is sure right now. I think bgb’s division of brain chemicals and learning is a good one. In other words, I wouldn’t tell him that he has ADHD and an anxiety disorder. Too much to absorb—you don’t want him thinking he has a long list of disorders, even if he does.

Beth

I think that most kids pick up very early that they are somehow different. Mine knew way before me or the teachers. she knew in kindergarten that she did ‘get’ the word wall like everybody else.

Your child may be relieved to know that this thing is identifiable and there are ways around it. And there certainly are strengths to be gained from it. i think my daughter is empathetic to others and has learned the value of her efforts at an early age.

Thank you all for your wonderful advice.

I guess I should clarify a couple of things. When I said we were going to have our “talk” on Saturday, I should have explained that my husband works shift work and that is the first day in which we will both be here to talk with him. Sometimes our son is more willing to want to talk with me, ohter times, his dad. If he gets upset, Dad is the person that is able to help lift the dark cloud of anger.

I do not plan on telling him all of the details. Part of his ld is in graphomotor - he will be required to take a typing class in the very near future (if I can find one). He will also be attending an assistive device “day camp” for a week during the summer, so I do have to explain to him why he will be needing to do some extra work. In addition to graphomotor, he has phonetical problems, plus working memory issues. And low mental energy - where DO they come up with these terms?!? I think I will simply go over some of the graphomotor, lightly touch on the reading issue, and explain why he will be seeing the psychiatrist again - that is where the adhd comes in.

He knows we got the results last Friday, but he has not once even indicated that he wants to know what we have found out. He often tells me that he is “dumb”, but now I have proof that he is NOT dumb - he just learns differently! My husband and I really do work well together, and often do a tag-team approach with our 10 year old. He was wear you down, let me tell you! :wink:

I am still unsure about the term disability, however. I understand the idea of it allowing some empowerment, but I don’t know if he would understand all of it. I guess we will just have to take it little steps at a time. He knows that he doesn’t do well in school, but now it will be nice to let him know that there is a reason for it.

Thanks again for all of your great input - I really appreciate it.

Be well,
Jori

I don’t like the term disability for any person not just for those who learn differently. I know plenty of people in wheelchairs who have accomplished great things who also do not like the term disabled. They are differently abled.

I think we ALL have disabilities learning or otherwise. I just don’t know any perfect people. If he is going to camp to learn to write better then just say that, “You are going to camp to help with your writing.” It is matter of fact and to the point. I’m sure he knows he needs help in that area already.

Just let him know how much you love him and believe in him as a person. That is the most important message.

You know my son learns differently but can do things other kids can’t. He gave a speech recently and his teacher said not only was it the best speech he ever heard by a 5 th grader but it was one of the best speeches he ever heard by anyone. I never learned differently but as I told my son, I was so shy in school I never could have done something like that. Still I am glad no one told me it was some sort of disability. It just is what it is. We have all have things we can and can’t do well. Part of life is learning to deal with our issues and getting help from those who love and support us to deal with things that are tough.

As an adult, I have no problem giving speeches but you can probably get that from my post.
LOL

I think it depends somewhat on the child of course. My 11 year old has always been very verbal and very curious, so we spoke with him about these topics since we became aware of them - around age 7.

We make it a part of our life (as we do with topics like religion and sex too) because we want to normalize it. Because it is normal. Its normal for him to be LD.

I’ve always believed that if we aren’t honest with our children then we lose credibility. You say your son is wonderful and he says he’s weird. I think in order for him to believe you, you have to be honest about his deficits as well as his strengths.

Specifically, we told our son that the neuropsych testing was about understanding how he learns so we could help him with the parts that are hard. We told him he is smart , but that his brain processes language differently than most people which has made certain parts of learning more difficult . Of course we talked about his strengths. I find that he knows it already , but didn’t have the words to explain it. Now that he does he uses it in the real world. He’ll tell soccer coaches or other adults how his dyslexia affects him and how they need to help him.

The head of his school (which is an LD school) has an interesting take on the use of the word “disability”. He often says that we all learn differently and that everyone has a different learning styles. But that if you are significantly impaired in your ability to read, write or express yourself, that in fact it does become a disability. The school uses “Learning disability” freely and the kids feel empowered, I think.

Karen
I am very interested in the words your son uses to tell his soccer coach. I have tried but not knowing how to put in words because a lot of it comes naturally. I have had years to adapt without even realizing it and have a hard time expressing what he needs.

My son is 7 and insists he knows everything and doesnt need help but he does. I have a post emotional rollercoaster. Please teach me some key words for my son to use. I think the coach and future teachers would respond better coming from him instead of a possible over protective mother that just wants him to be catered to. If you know what I mean.

It could also help me help him understand too. Thank you.

We chose to introduce the word “dyslexia” to our son when he was 7 to explain the very obvious difficulty he was having with reading. (When the problem is unavoidable its hard to be in denial.)

He has told coaches - “I’m dyslexic and that means sometimes I confuse my right and my left.” he picked that up from me b/c that’s what I do when briefing a new adult on how to work with him.

My favorite was actually in Hebrew school, where a lovely and well meaning teacher attempted to teach my son to read Hebrew. We had always told him that it was fine if he couldn’t read hebrew which he repeated to the teacher. She told him ” you are smart , and you can learn anything” to which he replied ” my dyslexia has nothing to do with my intelligence! My brain just processes language differently ”

I really believe that if you are candid with your child they will find the words when they need them.

Hmmm — on learning Hebrew — since it is written with a regular alphabet code, and since he would be learning it fresh without all the trash the public school threw in with memorization, and since he is in the same boat as the other kids learning a completely new alphabet, this could be a *good* thing. I’d want to take that teacher up on her offer to help — if he really could not do itm now he could leave it for later, but if he clues in it would be a good thing in itself and would also feed back positively to his English. (It is much easier and faster to teach English reading to a person who is already literate in *any* other language.)

I would prefer it if LD meant “learning difference”. When I look at my child, I do not think of her as disabled.

To the original poster, the ADHD affects the graphomotor and memory issues. When you get proper medication, handwriting and memory get better to some extent. So if it were me, I’d focus on telling him about the brain chemical/attention problems and that medicine will help normalize his brain functioning for attention and will help him in all areas. The typing, etc. is great to help him compensate. And by all means, talk more about the strengths if you have a talk about it at all.

I test my child frequently and she has never asked once about the test results. She is much more interested in grades in school because the kids talk about it. We only talk about her issues when an event arises to cause it. Like if she does poorly on a test, I explain that she probably needed extra practice before taking the test since she needs extra practice to remember new vocabulary.

Janis

Janis,
That’s what Mel Levine calls it - learning differences and not learning disabilities. I heard him speak a few years ago in the Boston area when he was here to receive an award from the Landmark School - a highly regarded school north of Boston for students with LDs. He said, “Funny that they’re giving me this award for work done with learning disabilities when I don’t even believe in learning disabilities.” (poorly paraphrased but my memory is going!)
He believes so strongly that they are learning style differences. We can’t all be great at everything. Have you checked out his website?

www.allkindsofminds.org