Previous advice has been so wonderful but I need some more help.
My 8 year old son is not only having problems with learning but also with the social issues that go with it.
Through the winter it is not much of a problem. He does not go to our local public school (a 2 minute walk away). We send him to Catholic school 30 minute drive away.
His school is wonderful the children and teachers are very kind and patient. They accept Carter for who he is issues and all. He is also involved in after school activities with some of his schoolmates. So he has plenty of friends at school. The problem is during the summer. The neighborhood children tend to be more worldly and less understanding. The parents aren’t helping the situation either. They think we are snobs and that we think our son is too good for public school. I actually had a parent accuse me of this. This is completely off base. I tried to explain that our son’s school had smaller classes and he receives more individualized attention. Also, his school teaches love and acceptance which our local school doesn’t put emphasis on. The parent just rolled her eyes and said whatever. When Carter does make an attempt to play with these children he is rejected. This is partially due to parental attitude and also due to when Carter actually is included he gets so excited and nervous he tends to do things that are socially inappropriate. Due to the ADHD he does not recognize that the children are either annoyed or put off. I have tried visual cues, but either he is not paying a bit of attention to me or I am not in the immediate area. This has not worked at all he also tends to forget what the cues mean. If another child throws a ball to him Carter is so excited he either takes off with the ball or throws it in the wrong direction. The other children get annoyed and upset so they don’t want him around. Carter has started to issolate himself by staying inside and playing video games or playing by himself in our backyard. We do get together periodically with his classmates but on a daily basis he is at the mercy of the neighborhood children. At times after being inside all day he will suddenly get the urge to play when the other children are going in for the day. Also, the other parents get annoyed because I do not let Carter go outside unsupervised. This is a safety issue. He is highly impulsive and would run out in the street without a second thought. The other parents see this as hovering. Not that I care what anyone else thinks one bit, but it does effect the way the kids play together. I’ve heard about social stories and would love to try them. Does anyone know where I can find this or any other advice you could offer would be appreciated.
Thank you all
Cartersmommie
Re: need help with social issues
My kids also go to Catholic schools but I don’t see that it has much impact on neighborhood relations. We have had good luck and bad, depending on the kids around. My observation is that cliques can develop in neighborhoods and that may be part of what you are dealing with. Once my older son had another child over to play and the “group” showed up at our door and took him away. They didn’t like him swaying from them.
I suppose the fact that my son went to a different school could have mattered but I frankly think the fact that the group lives on a different street was more important.
My advice would be to look for a kid who isn’t central in the neighborhood and invite him over personally. My youngest has been friends with a child a year younger than him for several years who is here only part time because of custody issues. He and his father got involved with go-cart racing and then they weren’t around at all and my son was quite at loose ends. One day another child showed up at our door. He and my son play basketball in our front drive for hours. He seems to have a lot of time on his hands and my youngest requires constant entertainment (ADHD like).
I also noticed that a lot more kids came to our house once we got a basketball hoop. It would give your son something do do besides video games and may draw other kids.
I would also consider day camp. Our Catholic school has a day camp which provides the same nurturing environment during the summer and my boys go there for part of the summer. Other groups may do the same.
Beth
Re: need help with social issues
P.S.
BTW, all my kids attended public school the first year we were in Florida and my middle child (LD) attended public school for three years after we transferred his siblings. I saw no difference with neighborhood relations.
Realize your son might not be in the “in group” even if he was in public school and don’t worry about that part. I would look for a younger child. LD kids are often immature and parents of a younger child are less likely to let them roam the neighborhood.
Beth
Re: need help with social issues
I live in a neighborhood that doesn’t have many kids so what I do is “import” them. We constantly are inviting friends to come over (even though it’s only a small handful that get together almost every day or on weekends).
One of the things I’ve done in the past is volunteer in the classroom and help out once in awhile so I could take a look at the kids in class, get a feeling for which ones he might “click” with and then encourage possible friendships. This last year he was able, on his own, to create a wonderful group of friends.
What I’ve noticed is that most of his friends are what some people would describe as “nerdy.” They are a little more immature, enjoy legos and science. Some are gifted and one of his closest friends is gifted with ADD.
Other things to consider are outside activities or groups where your son could make friends with others who share similar interests.
Another thing, with regard to hoovering outisde while kids play. What I used to do in my old neighborhood (where we did have lots of kids and outdoor playing) is garden in my front yard when the kids played. This way I could watch, but at the same time not look like I was constantly supervising.
Re: need help with social issues
What you are hearing I think is that we have to be hands on with kids like this.
My husband and I realized a few years ago that our son (immature, inattentive, dyslexic, socially anxious) does fine with “his own kind” and that as long as he is with other quirky kids he can make friends. So we facilitate. He also doesn’t attend a neighborhood school so in addition to driving and arranging playdates with school friends (I will drive anywhere for a playdate or birthday party!) I have sought out mother’s of similar kids in the neighborhood. Same for camp. He has friends now from several places and in many different towns. He doesn’t have a “gang” but he feels successful, and he doesn’ t have all his social eggs in one basket, which is good in case something goes wrong in one arena.
And we speak directly to him about his social skills. We role play, practice things that are uncomfortable and give him direct instruction . He is 11, and some things seem to be clicking this year which of course makes it easier for him to keep trying. Success breeds success, so I think you have to really identify kids your son can play well with , invite them over and keep an eye on things.
oops forgot to mention
sorry guys I’m about to ditch this lap top. This will be my 3rd attempt at posting this message. This is what did not get included in my last post.
My son used to be best buddies with a little girl that is in the “in” crowd in the neighborhood. They played together everyday for hours on end at my house or in my backyard. During the blizzard of 2001 this child once again was on my doorstep (which I did not mind at all). That day the kids were suffering from extreme cabin fever. After the umpteenth time of telling them not to run in the house, I finally sent them to my son’s room to play with Thomas the Tank. After getting them settled down I went out to check the mail. When I was sorting through the mail I noticed it was a bit too quiet. I went to check on them and found them in my room with the door shut. UH OH! I found the little girl on my bed with her pants off and my son running frantically around the room with his clothes on. Very calmly I told the little girl to put her pants on and she would have to go home. I called her mother immediately and advised her of the situation. We agreed to speak with the kids about appropriate behavior. We kind a chuckled and agreed the kids should not play together for a couple of days. CASE CLOSED or so I thought. 3 days later her very irate father called screaming and cursing. He accused me of being a bad mother and teaching my son to be a pervert. I explained this was perfectly normal for 5-6 year old children. He did not want to hear this and swore the children would never play together again. At this point I kind of lost my cool and said that would be fine that my “free babysitting” was over and to take care of his own kid. Not the best moment on my part. After this my neighbor went around telling everyone in the neighborhood what a you know what I was and that my son was a perv and to steer clear. My son was devastated as was I. We felt that we had lost a member of our family. It was so sad when her spot at the table was empty at lunch day after day. I am still not sure if this incident 4 years later is still affecting the neighborhood or not. That spring our neighbor got a pool and we think this was the excuse they needed to not invite our son to their house. We now have our own pool so this is not a problem but so does everyone else in the neighborhood so this is not a drawing point as we had hoped. So my 8 year old for the last 3 1/2 years has the rep of the neighborhood pervert. We’ve tried to go out of the neighborhood to make friendships but everyone is so over scheduled except for my son it makes setting up play dates difficult. He has made a few friends at his martial arts class and we are trying to set up play times with these children. I have even offered to transport to no avail. Between school, soccer, Martial arts, and little league some of these other schedules make my head spin. He’s in the next belt class so hopefully we’ll find someone in this class that is more accessible.
Your post reminded me that I needed some information on social stories too. I found this web site by putting the words “social stories” into the search engine. There were other choices, but this looks like the author of the concept. http://www.thegraycenter.org/Social_Stories.htm
We have always done a fair amount of coaching to help our son handle social situation. Perhaps, it would be best to nuture a few neighborhood friendships with some kids close to your son’s age and have fun things for them to do in your backyard.
Then you could monitor things more closely and nudge things along in a positive way.