NEW and need help!! Sorry so long :(

Submitted by an LD OnLine user on

Hi, I just found this website and I havent’ looked over it yet. I wanted to ask for some suggestions on my problem. I have a 15 yr old dd with LD. Just mild I’d guess you’d say. My question is about the ‘behavior’ and the ‘relationship’ of this thing. We have struggled all her life not knowing how do ‘deal’ with her or how to ‘handle’ her. After all these years, it is taking it’s toll. I know that her LD diagnosis is contributing to these problems. But also contributing to them is me not knowing WHAT TO DO!! We have been to MANY psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc. and for many reasons that I won’t go into here for the sake of time, we have run out of options of ANYONE to see!! None of those doctors told us anything to help us. Over the years we have tried points, spankings, rewards, charts, time outs, grounding, taking things away, everything we could think of. NOTHING phases her. Its like she doesnt’ understand what ‘disclipline’ is for. She keeps doing the same things over no matter what. Here is an example. When we first got our computer and she was all excited about making friends on online clubs, chats, etc (it’s hard for her to make and keep friends) she would ALWAYS end up talking ‘out of line’ to boys (know what I mean?) So we told her no computer for 2 weeks. After that she went right to it again. Over and over she did this until we had to take her off the computer all together. She NEVER got it!!
I cry daily for not knowing what to do. I am so exhausted, run down, etc. All of us are. Our house is like a negative war zone constantly. I yell, fuss, scream, etc cause I just blow up at her doing the same things over and over. I have run out of what to do. It has taken a toll on me and her, I have to take meds to deal with her. I have broken her spirit. None of us gets along at all.Besides her having LD and not having many friends, not understanding things, being slow, forgetful, etc. on top of all that she has to put up with ME being a monster most of the time. I am so negative. I don’t know how it got to this. I guess years and years of struggling with no answers. We live in a small town and have seen EVERY doctor we know of. Even going about 50 miles out one way. NO ONE ever really tells us what to do. Of course they don’t, or you wouldn’t keep coming back and giving them money.
Anyway, we are all broken. She stays in her room and avoids us. I try to stay away from her so I won’t fuss. I have been so negative all these years I can’t see any positive at all. I get so tired of telling her the same thing over and over and over cause she has memory problems. I know she can’t help it, and YES I have tried charts on the wall, notes, reminders, etc. NOTHING WORKS!!
I cry just about all the time. And she does too. Her grandmother even said she wanted to get custody of her cause she knows all the problems here. That made me so messed up that I had to go into a mental hospital which DIDN”T help!!
We are at a loss for everything. We throw our hands up daily. We love her so much and I feel guilty ALL THE TIME for making her so sad. I don’t know how to stop it. And my mind has gotten so bad that when I do disclipline, or tell her I will do something, etc. I FORGET I even said it! I FORGET I discliplined her for something!
I have been on online support groups, been to a parenting class, read books, read everything I can find on the internet, etc about HOW to be a better parent and HOW to deal with her. The things I did DIDN”T work, and most things I can’t be CONSISTENT on. That’s the hardest thing is to be consistent. I have yet to know of any help on HOW to do that. I know this message is so long and I’m so sorry, but we are at the end. :(

Submitted by Nancy3 on Mon, 08/08/2005 - 5:02 PM

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Have you heard of non-verbal learning disability? (Also called NLD or NVLD for short.) This is often mis-diagnosed. Aside from other problems, NLD children often cannot learn cause-and-effect relationships. This could be why point systems, punishments, rewards, etc. have not worked for your daughter. I will link some good NLD websites below.

It sounds as if both you and your daughter are depressed. If her grandmother is agreeable, I would consider letting your dd live with her for awhile. This would give both of you a breathing space and some time to recover from the emotional frustrations you both have experienced.

You may have exhausted possible doctors nearby, but there are always other doctors within driving distance. I wouldn’t recommend taking your dd to any more doctors for diagnosis unless you can find one who specializes in NLD (so he/she can either identify NLD or rule it out as a possibility). However, you yourself may want to see a doctor for depression meds and counseling. Anger is one of the most common underlying causes of depression, and frustration on a day-to-day basis can certainly create anger.

Here are some good websites that explain NLD. http://www.nldline.com and http://www.nldontheweb.org

Please be aware that NLD is a neurological problem. Because of this, any approach needs to focus on developing coping skills rather than on trying to change the condition. This is why point systems, rewards, punishments, etc. are inappropriate for NLD children. It is very likely that you have not been given good advice because so few doctors are educated in NLD.

Please give yourself and your daughter a break. Neither of you is at fault here. However, as the adult, it is up to you to find ways to improve the situation.

Nancy

Submitted by sisymay on Mon, 08/08/2005 - 8:42 PM

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thanks for writing to me! You know with all the doctors we’ve seen, NONE of them told us about seeing a neuropsychologist. And I finally learned about going to one last week from another website similiar to this one. Our first appt. is Sep 12. I’m not sure what all kinds of testing they do, but they are suppose to tell us what to do about the problems like coping skills etc. Over the years I learned there’s no way to make this stop or make it better. But, no doctors ever told us any ‘coping skills’
She was just at her grandmothers during the whole summer and come back for school Aug 1. It didn’t take 3 hours from when she walked in the door for it to all start again. She stays with them every summer and all school holidays.
Thanks so much and I’ll check out the websites!

Submitted by Beth from FL on Tue, 08/09/2005 - 1:23 AM

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I thought of nonverbal learning disabilities too when I read your message. I just wanted to say that you should ask what familiarity the neuropsychologist has with NLD. Not everyone does. You want to get helpful information from someone who can diagnose or rule out NLD.

If you can get a good diagnosis, life will get better because you will have a road map to figure out what is neurological versus what is behavioral. I have been on a long road with my own son and when you really understand their neurological makeup, you can differentiate between what they are capable of and what they are not. It helps make you much more effective.

Beth

Submitted by sisymay on Wed, 08/10/2005 - 3:27 AM

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Hello again, I checked out the web sites, and did the online evaluation. Then I did other types of assessments. She does have all the signs of NLD, but she also has all the signs of Executive function disorder, ADD, She doesn’t really show Autism or spectrums of it, aspergers, tourettes or anything like that.

Submitted by Beth from FL on Wed, 08/10/2005 - 12:30 PM

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A lot of what I have read on NLD says that ADD symptoms are part of the whole NLD package. In other words, it is not a separate condition. You could be ADD but not NLD but most people with NLD have ADD characteristics.

Beth

Submitted by KTJ on Wed, 08/10/2005 - 1:10 PM

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Have you looked at any of Mel Levine’s books? Check out his families page at www.allkindsofminds.org. He has a wonderful way of looking at learning style differences that impact all areas of life and is a wealth of information.

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