My oldest daughter is now 12 years old. She didn’t have a much better experience after our move last year, school-wise, for those of you who remember us from about a year and a half ago. She (and her little sister, but to a much, much lesser degree) had some of the same challenges she had in our old town, and acquired some new ones. Last year, she was so upset about not being ready for school, or being late, or not having her homework done, it got to the point of craziness, and I was almost tearing my hair out. She would literally go to bed with her full school uniform on, she was so fearful she wouldn’t be ready. I am not kidding. She refused to take it off, and I’m one to choose my battles, and that wasn’t one I was going to tackle. But I don’t want it to start up again this year, and she has already said it’s going to. She says she cannot sleep any other way, with the spector of school looming in her mind. Does this make sense???
Now, when I even mention anything related to school, she becomes agitated and tearful. Kind of hard, when we have to get the school supplies, etc., not to mention all the commercials for “Back-To-School.
On the bright side, we have a GREAT school counselor, who will (thank God!) be there again this year to help her. She STILL does not fit in. In our old town, in the Midwest, she was too — how can I say this, and still be PC? She was too exotic looking (she’s half-Dominican Spanish, and half-Caucasian) in her old school, and now she tells me the girls shun her because she’s not Spanish ENOUGH in the predominantly Hispanic school she’s enrolled in now. (meaning she doesn’t speak Spanish, she’s not as dark-skinned, her hair is lighter, and her upbringing has been so much different.) It’s as if my daughter will never fit in anywhere…at least, not middle school-wise.
I never in a million years thought I would have these problems, when I married my ex-husband, who is Dominican.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but any ideas? I thought of just deleting this, as it may be off topic for this board, but would greatly appreciate some feedback from some of you very savvy parents.
Thank you.
Re: My Daughter Is Dreading School
Thanx for the reply, Steve. As always, it is obvious that you are well-informed, and that you care. You are a special person too!
Could you give me a little more information about the alternative schools you are talking about? I myself LOVE diversity and the celebration of it. I’ve always been that way, but I must have thicker skin than my daughter. I do know how cruel kids can be.
Currently my girls are enrolled in a private Catholic school, and my youngest has a scholarship that pays for most of her tuition. The public schools in our particular neighborhood are truly horrid, and in NYC, you have to have proof of address to get in to public school. Contrary to popular belief, there are some really great public schools in NYC. So we don’t have much of a choice.
Yes, a lot of the problems my daughter is facing (but not all) are due to racism, which is alive and well in America, unfortunately. My daughter’s issues in particular, are the issues and struggles of “bi-racial” children, and who would have thought this would be a problem? Well, at least, I didn’t.
I know that someday, and probably soon, my daughter will be pleased and proud that she is what she is. Part of her is already. Someday I know that she will bloom and fly. But right now she is miserable.
Learning to speak Spanish is a great idea, and one that I’ve brought up to her. Steve, she used to want to learn Spanish, when we lived in the Midwest, but now that we are in NYC, and she’s been around her very extended family, she has done a complete turnaround. I do have an expensive “learn Spanish” CD collection I’ve had for quite awhile. I do speak some Spanish, and of course her father, my ex does. Any ideas how to get her to want to try it again? She was so turned off by the girls in her classes last semester.
Do you think that going to bed dressed in her full school uniform, shoes too, is a result of this, or something else? :shock:
I’m at my wits end, or I wouldn’t have posted, and again, my apologies if this is off-topic.
Re: My Daughter Is Dreading School
Hi Cathryn,
I totally remember you and your girls
Plus now you are living in my favorite city, where we were until 2 years ago when we left to send my son to an LD school outside of the city.
My only thoughts are that you look around at your available public options where you probably get the best diversity in the city. Our former private was predominatly white, but with a true political correctness that made those children of color (and other forms of diversity) valued and celebrated. On the other hand, I would not recommend most NYC independent schools for a child with learning issues. You can email me privately if you do want to discuss those schools, as well as the LD schools in the area. I’ve looked at ‘em all.
Could it be that its just a school transition problem and that her ethnicity is just the excuse the other girls use to tease her?
Re: My Daughter Is Dreading School
It may be racism but perhaps it is a much deeper not fitting in. Lots of kids don’t fit in at her age. I didn’t and I was the same race as the other kids. I thought it was because I had curly hair and wore glasses but then I realized that a girl with hair much like mine and glasses like mine was a cheerleader!!
Middle school for girls has a pretty narrowly prescribed definition of what is OK. My daughter did better in a Catholic school than public because of the conformity (uniforms) required and the zero tolerance for teasing. But she doesn’t look fondly back on middle school now that she is in high school. In fact, she made a point of making all new friends.
If your daughter is becoming dysfunctional, you probably want to get her some help coping with the stress.
Beth
Re: My Daughter Is Dreading School
The thing about wearing the uniform to bed definitely seems odd and probably is related to anxiety. But I wouldn’t make it an issue - just have her change into new clothes before bed each night. All of my kids went through not wanting to change in the morning for a while, although your daughter’s behavior sounds more compulsive, whereas mine I think it was just laziness and not wanting to get up any earlier than they had to.
I don’t know if there are charter schools in NYC or not, but that’s what we are currently using. Portland, OR has a great range of charter, alternative and “magnet” schools that don’t exist in a lot of cities, so I think I am lucky in that regard. But almost all districts have magnet programs where people from different parts of the district can come because they are all interested in art, or dance, or computer repair, or whatever. I’d look into these options. It looks like Karen N may have some good ideas for you in that regard. If worst comes to the worst, homeschooling is an increasingly popular option, and we did it for a total of 6 years involving two of our kids (which is part of what motivated us to help create the charter school). Obviously, that would be a big step, but there are many ways to do it so as to maximize socialization by meeting with other homeschoolers and using community resources. Interestingly, when we met with other homeschoolers for play/socialization groups, there was virtually NONE of the teasing and bullying that one sees so commonly in public schools. I really do think that the institution itself (the large, academically-focused, authoritarian school) breeds pecking orders, cliques, and bullying. Homeschooling completely eliminated this problem for Patrick, who had been teased unmercifully even in a child-centered alterntative school when he was in Kindergarten and first grade.
Look over all your alternatives - there may be more options than you think! Good luck!
Re: My Daughter Is Dreading School
If you are interested in brainstorming with a community of people who understand the issues you are dealing with I hope you can visit Net Haven soon. We meet 5 nights a week and deal with subjects dealing with
school, social situations,parenting and just about any topic you choose.
peace,
marge
http://www.net-haven.net
Are there any non-traditional alternative schools in the area? My kids go to a charter school where diversity is really valued and being different is not so much of an issue as it tends to be in a standard school environment. Smaller schools tend to be better, as well as schools which attract parents who are believers in supporting diversity, since the children’s attitudes are clearly a big function of their parents’ attitudes.
It’s a tough issue. You are really talking about problems of the greater culture in America today. Racism and race polarization seem to be on the increase in myh observation, especially since 9-11, and it’s hard to overcome. Not to mention that fitting in is a big issue for the junior high crowd anyway. Finding a school where the internal culture is different from these larger cultural trends is hard.
One thing that might be helpful is for her to start learning Spanish. Are there classes available outside of the school? It might help her feel more included. But a lot of kids feel left out in junior high - I know I did. It’s a tough time. I would look over school alternatives and see if there is one with a more accepting culture. Good luck!
–- Steve