Hello friends,
Still don’t have a working computer, so I’m here at the local library, and time is a concern, you only get one hour, so I’ll try to be brief…those who know me know how hard that is for me… and I haven’t been here for awhile, for the same reason.
My youngest daughter, age 10 1/2 now - NOT her 12 1/2 year-old sister, the dancer who is, by the way, blossoming quite nicely in what she calls “the greatest city in the world”, but struggles with some depression - no, it’s the little one, the gifted child, the one who scores off the charts on standardized tests, the one I never had to worry about, except for her painful shyness. She described to me about 2 months ago, out of the blue, something that she thought was “very wrong” with her - and without any leading from me, I shut my mouth- described, practically out of a textbook, the heartwrenching symptoms of panic. I myself get them, and have since I was very young, so I knew immediately what she was getting to, but let her tell it all anyway. She had been holding this in for at least a year, said she tried to tell her sister once, but of course, her sister had no idea what she was talking about, and changed the subject. She gets at least 3 major panic attacks a week, likely more. And that’s a lot, for any of you who do not know how absolutely terrifying a panic attack is, especially when you don’t know what’s going on.
I have discussed this at great length with her school counselor, who has been trying to get me to have her see the school psychiatrist, but I’ve not signed the papers for that. It’s a private Catholic school, and I just don’t trust them, with good reason, from past experience at another school…and it just seems too incestuous, if you will, for the school to know too much of our business, if you can understand where I’m coming from.
But… I found my 10 year-old’s diary on the floor of the apartment the other day. I know, you are not supposed to invade their privacy, but I did, I read some of it, and I’m not at all guilty for it, in fact I’m SO GLAD I did. On one page, my daughter describes something that is “annoying” to her, something she “has to whisper, over and over again”, and how “annoying it is to have to do this all the time”. She even wrote down what she has to whisper…I read in horror, this long line, that goes on and on, of gibberish that makes no sense. I even read it backwards, tried to make sense of it to no avail. My first thought, when she says she “has” to do it? Some kind of obsessive compulsive thing. Then I thought OMG, Tourette’s?
I talked to her school counselor at great length again, on Thursday. She is great, by the way, but said herself right away that she isn’t a doctor, and would not presume to diagnose this. She told me my daughter needs a psychiatrist right away. I am so frightened and heartsick over this.
So… I spoke with a psych friend of mine I’ve known for years, and he said get her evaluated right away- but here’s what really scares me- he said she NEEDS meds immediately, to relieve the panic attacks, and that her compulsive whispering may stop then. He said this may be a coping mechanism for when she feels anxiety. He also said no child - or adult, for that matter - should be made to suffer panic attacks without medication, that will definitely stop them. He says what I brought up, that cognitive therapy may help, and does help some people (but it never helped me, not one bit), but that the meds are necessary to even think of beginning that. I cringe at the thought of giving my little girl medication.
Obviously, I know a great deal, more than I ever wanted to know, about panic and anxiety, but not when it involves my baby. My heart just cracked when I read that entry in her diary, then talked to her, the counselor, and my psych friend. And her sister knew about the whispering, even knows the part she “has to say out loud”, but thought nothing of it.
My daughter has seen my nightmarish experiences with doctors refusing to prescribe MY meds in the proper dosage, and she’s seen me suffer a great deal. I’ve explained to her, that mine is a special case, and over my dead body will I EVER let that happen to her, but she is refusing to be evaluated, and had the worst crying jag I’ve ever seen in a child both last night and today. She is frankly terrified- and does not want to take medication.
I don’t know why I’m on this board, as usual, but never thought I’d be on for this reason. I would appreciate so much ANY words of wisdom from you kind people. Advice would be good as well. Thank you.
What to do?
There are many different views on this kind of problem. First off, psychiatrists are professionally oriented toward prescribing medication, so most psychiatrists will recommend medication for almost any mental health issue. But there are other possible approaches that don’t involve medication if you and/or your daughter don’t want to go that way. You can always go back to the medication solution if the other approaches don’t work. It is an absolute falsehood to say that no one recovers from anxiety issues without medication. 20 years ago, very large percentages of anxious people received therapy. Such therapy is still available.
The biggest problem I have in analyzing your situation is that it is completely unclear what she is anxious about. It is impossible to know what to do if you don’t know the cause of the problem. Medication only deals with symptom in any case, and sometimes can make things worse depending on the reaction to the medication. Sounds like you have already had that experience yourself. So if she doesn’t want to go that route, and you don’t either, try finding a good therapist and starting there. You can also help by asking some gentle questions to find out when she is feeling anxious and what is going on at those times. Sometimes making a journal of feelings, including dreams, can be very helpful in identifying triggers to anxiety. There are also methods of handling anxiety attacks which I have taught people over the phone (I used to work at a mental health crisis line) with very good success. But the first and most important point is to engage the client in finding the solution. It sounds like the medical solution has made her feel MORE anxious - that can’t be right! The right solution should make her feel more empowered to solve whatever problem is being addressed with the compulsive behavior.
It is not uncommon for very bright kids to have difficulty with anxiety - I certainly did. There can also be other reasons - dietary, past trauma, even other medications she is taking (she isn’t taking stimulants, is she?) Since she is so bright, I would start out by getting a broad range of information on how people deal with anxiety problems, and ask her to work with you to figure out what she would like to try first. Just the process of engaging her in deciding what to do will start her to feel more empowered. Telling her there is something desperately wrong with her and that she HAS to take medicaiton will only make her feel more out of control. In the end, the decision whether or not to use medication is a lot less important than the WAY the decision is made. You want to give her the message that lots of people have anxiety issues, it’s not at all unusual, and that you are sure that with enough time, she will figure out how to deal with it. Let her know that you are there to help, but that you have confidence in her ability to overcome whatever is going on. If the question of medicaiton is approached (with other alternatives) from this perspective, it can simply be one option that she can consider and decide about based on her own understanding of the risks and benefits.
Re: My Youngest Daughter and OCDs
I’ll be the first to say I’m not wild about any meds, but sometimes, we all need some sort of medication. I think Steve’s point about being empowered is great. I will say this: my son’s psychiatrist was cautious to prescribe medication (for ADHD) and quick to pull him off if he was suffering too many side effects. Other psychiatrists have a different view (that medication can ease social and emotional suffering, that it can be temporary, etc.). But either way, you just can’t medicate and do nothing else. Therapy would be the most immediate need in my view, but I’m not a mental health professional. Here are some “empowering” suggestions from just a mom’s point of view:
1. Ask your daughter: “What are you afraid will happen if you are evaluated and you have to take medication?” Then ask her, “What are you afraid will happen if you don’t do these things?” This may organize her thoughts and put her fears into manageable, tangible bits.
2. Think of ways to get her to calm down. Maybe one way is to have her replace what she whispering with something else, like, “I am in control of my mind and body.” That sounds like a mantra, which can be relaxing.
3. She can try writing her fears and anxieties on pieces of paper and throwing them away.
I don’t know if you’ve tried these or even if they will work. But they might make her feel better.
Re: My Youngest Daughter and OCDs
Hi Cathryn, I hope you get this reply! you can always e-mail me as you know! If you remember my younger child, almost 9, was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder over a year ago. We started out like you. She was seven and having panic attacks. We did not want to medicate her. We looked into the stimulant as a culprit but she had anxiety issues her whole life, way pre-stimulant. It really didn’t get worse, we just realized what was going on. The older the child gets sometimes the more you realize it’s just not typical. Our adhd specialist referred us to a really great psychologist to work with my daughter. She used a combination of approaches like play therapy, CBT, etc. She encouraged us to try the therapy without medication first because that is what we wanted as parents. After a couple of months we saw improvement but there were still some extreme anxiety related things going on. When we discussed it with the doctor she suggested that maybe it was time to try the meds. We did and I can tell you it made a tremendous difference.
I’ve learned a lot since then as have the rest of my family. Basically, some anxiety issues are a symptom of neurochemical imbalances. I’ve learned since then that there is a family history of these imbalances. It is also very common for anxiety to be comorbid with adhd as they both are related to the same things.
The psychologist still sees my daughter. Just this month after a year of weekly sessions she is able to cut back to every other week. The therapy has been invaluable because the doctor works on teaching my daughter to control her anxiety, some of what I think Steve is addressing. She has learned relaxation techniques and when to recognize symptoms of anxiety. She still has issues but is learning to overcome them. The therapy has also allowed me to bring issues to the doctor that we work on together to help my daughter. This way I get some advice and understanding on how best to help.
My advice is to start with a psychologist who either specializes with children and anxiety or will be compatible with your daughter. We were lucky. Our doctor is young, very pretty, and will get down on the floor to play with the kids! Let your daughter just get to know the doctor and go from there. The thing is that if a child is suffering from anxiety then there is no telling how they will react to anything. You cannot reason with anxiety. I have always said that I find it easier to deal with my kids’ adhd than my younger one’s anxiety. You can’t talk the kid into anything because right now, untreated in any way, that anxiety is controlling everything! It could be the medication, the memories you mention, or it could just be a fear of being judged harshly or a fear of a new doctor! Whatever it is you can’t reason with it!
When it did come time to try meds we still didn’t want to do it. Most people don’t want to. Also, outside family members were opposed to our decision. However, my husband who also suffers from anxiety was the one who told me that he knew how she felt and we could no longer let her suffer. We were confident that we tried therapy alone and more was needed. I don’t want to get involved in any pro-con-med discussion and I can’t speak for you or anybody else. I just wanted to share our experience.
Like I said, feel free to drop an e-mail if you are more comfortable. My yahoo account is still active.
Re: My Youngest Daughter and OCDs
Thank you so much Jen, I was hoping you’d see this and reply. I posted this on the “Parenting a Child with LD” page too, and got more responses there than over here, and you’ll see more of what I have to say. I’m so very sorry I’m pressed for time now, I’m running out of my daily hour at the library.
I didn’t know your yahoo account was still active, that’s a relief, expect to hear from me soon!
One of the other things my father said (the rest is on the LD page) is “don’t you dare medicate her!”
Jenny is refusing help of any kind, and I can see from your post you will understand that! But I agree with your husband, I cannot let her suffer that kind of pain any longer.
Got much more to say, but out of time…
Re: My Youngest Daughter and OCDs
Cathryn, I’ll go over to read the other post after I’m done here. The first psych visit was just my husband and I with the doctor. The next one was my daughter and us with the doctor and then we left for part of the time. The next time my daughter told me she was refused to go. It wasn’t for any reason that she or I could name. It was just she gets in those moods. She was pretty adament but I told her that I couldn’t afford to cancel the appointment because it was less than 24 hours, in fact it was half an hour before the appointment. I told her that unless she was going to give me the money she had to go this time and then we would talk about next time. So, I brought her. When she and I sat down with the doctor I told her about what happened and how my daughter said she was never going back. I then left the room. I don’t know what the doctor said to my daughter but she came out happy and has never once complained again. In fact, she really looks forward to her visits!
I just read this, and my heart sank:
http://www.focusas.com/Tourette’sSyndrome.html
My daughter has an eye-blinking “tic”, she’s had it for years, usually at the beginning of the schoolyear, then it gradually goes away. We always thought it was just nerves.