infedelity and ADD/ADHD

Rainer,

I have barely had a GF long enough to cheat. I had one GF for a month and my only other GF was for 3 months, so no, I’ve never had that problem. And a big reason I didn’t have more is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. A friend of mine thinks that I might have Asperger’s, the more I read aobout it the more she might be right. I’m just trying to find a lady who is very understanding and goes by what kind of a person I am and not how I act or shouldn’t act. So many people today think of other things are more important then how someone should or shouldn’t act and not the kind of person they are. They get someone who might act the right way in groups and social situations, but is a total scum bag overall. Their morality is more important then what they do out in public or in groups.

Hmmm…. this reminds me of a guy I once knew. Whoever he was with got *all* his attention which made them feel all kinds of special - wherever he was, that was what got all his attention (he was often late for things, as you can imagine!)
I know he broke many hearts before he settled down but I don’t think he actually cheated (but I have no idea). I think there might be something else involved - the ol’ fear that you’re not worthy to keep the relationship that works, so you might as well mess it up now before *it* messes up on you, or who knows what.
Personally I’d work on one end or the other - eitehr really bust my gut to earn the trust of a GF who could help me pay the bills on time, etc, or work really hard on strategies to get the bills paid on time and the master’s degree so that I’d have a chance of finding a GF. (Whichever one is more likely to be successful, that’s the one I’d do :))

Thanks for the responses! I just want to feel normal for the first time in a long time. I wanted to hear that I’m not alone- even though I haven’t gotten that assurance completely.

To update, the girl I cheated on has decided to try and work with me to salvage the relationship and help me get organized in other areas of my life. I feel really fortunate to have this opportunity for a second chance. In so many of my previous relationships, even though I didn’t cheat before, the relationships didn’t last long and I felt like I never got to show the person who I really was capable of being.

I think because I now know much more about myself with the diagnosis of ADD, I’ve been able to clue my love in on things I used to not realize. Of course, there is much work to do and obviously tough times ahead in getting back to what it was before. I don’t recommend cheating as a way to introduce ADD to a partner by the way. Very good communication is critical- be upfront.

And Sue, I do think that I have a tendency to try and mess up things that are going well for me. Better I end it than by having it blow up down the road. I suppose bad experiences and low self-esteem growing up contribute to the notion of pessimism taking over. Diagnosis really is a mixed blessing. On one hand, I’m relieved there was an answer. Conversely, there is no cure and the realization that there is a lot of patience and hard work needed to climb out of the clutter and debt of a disorganized life with ADD.

Nate, did you know any Claus’s in North Dakota?

I didn’t know any Claus, (ND isn’t THAT cold here), but a guy in my class had Klaus for his last name.

Have a nice day,

Nate,

hi there.
boy, as im reading this - im getting a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

ive been with someone for over a year. we’ve had an incredible load of positives and some pretty extreme negatives - that at the beginning, i was ready to say - this person is NUTS and i dont want any part of it!

it then hit me one night as i was walking alone down a dark road that there was something else going on that they couldnt control, and it was then i started doing some reading. well, over the last 6 months ive read an enormous amount of material - and have discovered that they fit this profile to the T. i finally only felt comfortable discussing it with them only about 1-2 months ago (concern that the reaction would be “i dont have that - leave me alone!”) well, now that we’ve discussed it - and talked about the possibility of them doing some reading. the original response was an enthusiastic “yes” - it has gone UNDONE and now is a resounding, “i dont want to”. it’s not a “labeling” thing - its just a defiant thing.

the problem is - when we’re together, life is good and we can discuss all things. but the slightest thing can set it into rage-mode - and they go running off to stay elsewhere. (in a not so healthy environment). when we’re apart - i know that on the other end is rampant “out of site, out of mind” syndrome COUPLED with the mentality that “i cant do anything right, so i might as well ditch it - and therefore i can do anything now” mentality - including looking for diversions elsewhere.

there is never a discussion about - “i need this much time, lets talk then” - its just - incredible intimacy one minute, then running the next and “its all over” in their mind.

im going nuts. im ready to bolt - the last episode went too far (i can usually talk calmly through the anger - but when it gets aggressive, that’s where i draw the line) in their mind now, im certain its a “done deal” - and i can see the activity reflecting it.

i know this person loves/feels cared for/connected very much when we’re together. noone else seems to take a serious interest in what has to be dealt with. my fear is that - i cant seem to muster the energy this time to reconnect and heal. im so angry and hurt at what was done. but i also know that as each day goes by - they get more and more entrenched in their grind (which- by the way- involves hours and hours and hours on on-line forums!), NO job and in an incredibly un-cooperative home environment where others’ problems take precedent.

the problem is - even to talk, it requires getting them out of the house - and when its this bad - they WONT LEAVE THE HOUSE - even to drive or talk. its absolutely horrible. - and talking there is IMPOSSIBLE!
any other time when things are stable and good, the communication is stellar - but when this shut down happens - its like taming a wild boar.

meanwhile, the longer it goes - the worse it gets! sinking deeper and deeper into antisocial and floundering thought processes. the days click by and i know there is a desperate need on their part now to “forget it” and look for other diversions. - as i speak.

its [i]incredibly[/i] painful - not just for me, but to watch the floundering they are going through and not be able to get past a certain point. i’d much rather be dealing with the problems day-to-day then have to suffer through this blank horrid zone of nothingness. HOW DO I GET THROUGH AND GET THEM THE HELP THEY NEED before something worse happens!????

(sorry for length!) :(

Without an extremely supportive and helpful cast to get past the ADD-doldrums, I don’t know how others do it. And a significant partner can’t be the only one trying, it is way too difficult and unfare to put that burdon on them. I’ve been reading more about ADD coaches. I’m sure it would be beneficial -either a hired life coach or family member or friend. Make sure the out of sight/ADD and anti-social activity is minimized and there are steps out to betterment both inside your relationship and outside. Surely, I can type these things, but not do them myself. Doh!

Dear Rainer01,

I noticed you said you never finish anything you start, but in the beginning of your post you said you were working on a masters degree. Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you first have to complete your AA and then earn a BA before getting a masters? It appears you “finished” 4 years of college and satisfied (finished) the requirements to earn a college degree, which places you in the top 5% of the world’s population.

I bring this up because it’s common for people here in the US to forget just how good we have it. I haven’t had a girlfriend in almost 4 years, and the last one was a nightmare. Since then I’ve been intimate once, and it was an awful experience that ultimately destroyed the friendship we had. You not only have a girlfriend, but find yourself enjoying *adult situations* with OTHER women. As for my college pursuits, I recently had to drop out of community college 25 units short of an AA transfer because I couldn’t pay my bills, and now I’m struggling to find a job that lasts more than a week. Forgive me for having very little sympathy for you.

If I could offer any advice, it would be to stop whining and get grateful for what you have. Despite my situation being much worse than yours, I still force myself to remember the things I’m grateful for. It’s either that or a spiraling depression to leads to impending disaster. And I’ve been living this way for almost 30 years. Strap yourself into *that* car and take it for a spin…

Here’s a positive tip: find out what works for you and focus on that for awhile. Sometimes going back to the basics helps me to refuel and refocus. Also, maybe you need to take a “time out” from relationships so you can focus on improving the quality of your life. If you can’t be good to yourself, what makes you think you can do that for someone else?

Best of luck!

Another possible explanation is Sexual Addiction. Read books by Patrick Carnes to understand. People with SA have self esteem issues which could have resulted from negative LD experiences. Just a thought for your consideration.

Yes i cheated once when i was 14. I felt like crap. I came clean about it. I told the guy i cheated on told him how sorry i was he was willing to let it go. I wasn’t.

I don’t think this is a trait of ADHD. I know many ppl with ADHD that don’t cheat. I also know many who lack empathy for others who DO cheat. Yes it wasn’t your fault you were in this bad situation all alone and you just couldn’t control yourself… oh no! Having ADHD may mean you have a more difficult time controlling some thigns but it is NOT a free license to abuse other people’s feelings. It makes me very angry to be equated with people like you through my diagnosis. Because we are nothing alike. I value the emotions and feelings of others, i am not some shallow self centered person that loves someone for all they give me of themselves and then grab whatever else might be offered to me just because it is there and i am selfish and kinda want what is being offered.

You are very self centered. You never fault yourself for anything your girlfriend wasnt there so you cheated on her you were all alone after all…. Now the part about telling her cuz you couldn’t control your mouth i also think is bullsh*t too. There are a group of ppl called sociopaths that get off on damaging others as much as you do. They show an equal lack of concern for other people and their feelings as you do. They are like children super immature. If this is really at all troubling to you and if you really arent just looking for attention, then i suggest you go get diagnosed with that and get treatment for it. Because nothing about you indicates in any way ADHD to me.

I have ADHD. I am don’t take joy in harming others. I don’t make excuses for it when i do. I have been with the same man every day of my life now for 5 years. I just married him. I have never flirted with another man since the day the 2 of us got together. I have not kissed another man. I have not in any way betrayed him. We have our differences we have our issues. Relationships aren’t easy. But they are wonderful. That kind of love and fulfilment you could never understand because you aren’t actually able to feel it. I almost pity you and i would except that, with your simple emotions, you still enjoy on some level hurting other people. And that, turns my stomach. You also seem to get with alot of women from the sound of it. Charm is also not typically associated with those with ADHD. Another reason i doubt your diagnosis and would think you might want your shrink to reconsider sociopathy as it IS associated with that.

People like you truly turn my stomach and make me more nausious than my dextroamphetamine does.