No Friends

how about if you speak with the parents and explain to them how damaging it is to your grandsons self-esteem? I did this very thing after 3 months of this happening to my son, who isn’t over weight but just bigger than the boy in question. His mom was appalled and it never happened again. Hopefully these parents will understand and speak with their children.

You should be heralded for speaking up about this. Yes talk to the parents of these boys who are doing the harrassment. Nip it in the bud before it progresses to something serious. Another thing is just tell your grandson not to pay any heed to the teasing, because all the tormentor wants is publicity and an audience for his tormenting. Don’t give to them.

Hi, my suggestion is to go to the school psychologist and tell everything that has been going on, and perhaps they can either call the boys in and explain how inappropriate their behavior is, or at the very least they can give your grandson some strategies on how to handle these boys. This problems has to be fixed, otherwise your grandson’s self-esteem will be destroyed. K

Dorothy,

I feel your pain. Have you tried talking to the teacher? I agree with the two previous posts. Talk to the parents, principal, teacher, counselor and police if need be. This has to be stopped. Your son’s self esteem will be damaged and this should not be tolerated. We wouldn’t want your son to suddenly snap one day and hurt somebody. I do not wish harm on anybody, but seriously, you can’t pick on someone everyday (especially a child) and not expect them to lose it.

I will be praying for you and your son.

Most importantly you wouldn’t want him to harm himself.

I have talked to the teachers and the principle and they all see what is going on but like I said his father is a big shot in the community and no one wants to upset the cart just for Gary. They all tell him to walk away just ignore him, or stay away from him but why should Gary always be the one to have to ignore it or pretent it doen’t hurt. Can’t this boy be suspented for a day or have detention for a couple of hours then when this happens enough times maybe his parents will finally disapline him.

@!#$ you

same thin as the above

There is obviously something wrong with the boys that are teasing your grandson. Maybe they have ignorant parents. Certainly they have horrible social skills and may not be very bright. And who is this manon creep? Another bully who doesn’t “get it”? Or someone who hides behind an anonymous name? Probably the parents of the kids who bother your grandson.
Personally, I would tell your grandson to stop ignoring the teasers and kick their sorry butts for them. That will do more for his self esteem than anything. There was a time when prioncipals had the balls to deal with school bullies and their bully parents. Lawyers have fixed that for us. There was also a time when those other kids would have had the #$% beat out of them, just once, by his peers and the harrassment stopped. Oh how I long for those days.

Maybe you should get an attorney. Let them figure it out. THey screwed up the laws for us in the first place!

You should be ashamed of yourself. You are just another person out there that is screwing up their kids and don’t get it! Get some help and stop harrassing people and teaching your children the same.

Letts just beat em up ! Send those folks to Iran or the Palestinian Authority and tell them they work for Israel Mossad. They will be delt with. (Lawyers).

Ok first of all tell your grandson to make some friends outside of school, and second, not to beat the kid up. Beating him up, or trying to, will just make it more difficult for him at school. The kids will tease him more than ever before. He may also try using a punching bag or running after to school to work off some the anger he has from the kids. Also reinforce to him that kids who make fun of him have no real friends either, and they are trying to impress the people around them by making fun of your grandson. He may also try finding a person with some of the common intrests he has at school and build a bond of friendship on that common intrest, it even may be the boy who is always making fun of him because they are usually worse off than the rest of the people at the school. Do not try to stick up for your grandson when the kids make fun of him, ie: go to school and yell at the kids, this will only make things worse for him.

Hi: I am so sorry your grandson has to endure this taunting. I agree with the advise that you should not confront these bullies and your grandson should not try to fight them. The school has an obligation to keep your kid safe from physical and verbal abuse. This is what I would do:

1) Documnent each occurence in detail. Who was present and who said what to whom. Have your grandson describe how the abuse affects him.

2) Write a letter to the principal and send a copy of the letter to the school superintendent/school board. In the letter, say something like:

Dear Mr. or Mrs. XX

I am writing this letter to request your help. My grandson, Name, has been verbally abused by Names, on numerous occasions. (List the dates of the occurences if possible and explain in detail the abusive language,taunting etc). If you will recall, I discussed this problem with you on (give dates) and you refused to help. The taunting and verbal assults continue. As principal of the school, it is your responsibilty to intervene and protect (grandson’s name) from these abuses. Every day that you fail to address this problem, is a day that you permit the abuse to continue.

I insist on the school’s and your help to stop this bullying immediatley! I will document each future occurrence and hold you and the school accountable for the emotional and psychological damage you are causing my grandson. Please do not fail to act now!

Sincerely,
Your name

Make sure you send the letter certified mail to the principal and school superintendent. Also, at the bottom of the letter, indicate that you are ccing the superintendent - this might light a fire under the principal’s feet.

If the letter does not work, I would remove the boy from the environment. If possible, homeschool him or send him to another school. Whatever education he’s receiving is not worth the abuse he’s having to endure. I would also file a lawsuit against the school and the principal.

Good Advice ! LB. Then again, the slime administration might make it difficult for the kid if they think he will sue em for their failure to act. My advice would be take it one up the superintendent’s office and notify a news outlet too for publicity. This way her grandson is protected by publicizing this.

Thanks everyone for your advice. We are keeping a journal of what is said and done to Gary every day and in a couple of weeks will meet with the principal and superintentant.If the school doesn’t do any thing we are getting a lawyer and going after the school.Will let you know how it turns out.

I don’t know if this will help, but its worth a try. When my daughter was in sixth grade her teacher was saying some awful things to her. I went and bought her a little tape recorder and and told her to to keep it close to her desk . it took 2 days for the teacher to find it. Never had a problem for the rest of the year.They make these recorders so ssmall now days that your grandson can easly keep it in his pocket.

Dorthey,
That sounds like a very good solution.

I think your grandson may be learning a very valuable lesson about how to deal with harrassment.

Documenting EVERYTHING is a wonderful idea. Make sure you also document any meetings with the principal and superintendent in case you do need to go futher.

Good luck to you!

Hi I feel I pain. My daughter has very few friends because of her speech problem .She in the 4th grade and I’m very worried it’s going to get worse the higher she goes. In your situation I would try to see if you can get your grandson a different scheule . I would talk to the guidence teacher and get this gym class switch
around to a different period to get him away from those bullys
if not I would get a lawyer Kristi

I am so sorry your family is going through this. It is intolerable. I wouldn’t even wait a few weeks to meet with the superintendent, etc. but demand a meeting now. I think the ideas to gather proof are great, but in my opinion your grandson’s word is already proof enough. Most school divisions now have a zero tolerance policy on threats and it sounds like your grandson is in a threatening situation every day. The children doing this to him need to be stopped and taught to have more emphathy for people. I’d hope their parents, no matter how important, would be horrified with the actions of their kids. Best wishes to you and your grandson.

I can totally relate to your problem about no friends.
I had the same problem when I was his age I had difficulty making friends
also I was teased about my hygiene I had a very difficult problem relating to society
I was called all kinds of names and teased a lot about my hygiene all due to my disability
also I was failing very badly the teachers were passing me just so I could graduate with my class
and I was only on a low reading and math level well my parents changed all that they transfered me to
another catholic school and I started out fresh with a new slate still being handicapped no one knew I
was disabled only the teacher and we kept it this way I started to make friends and have a semi normal
social life Now I am an adult with ld and I am doing very well with special accomodations I live in
a residencial program with people with ld and my social skills are alot better The point of my statement
is maybe you could check with to see if you have disabled services where you live most states have
them therefore your can get the special services he/she needs and meet other his/her age with ld also
just a thought for you to consider

Great idea:

Nowdays it has to be 1984 (George Orwell). You cannot trust too many folks out there to look for one’s kids. Anyway, also when you have evidence publish it in the papers or online audio clips. That gets their attention.

Yes:

Those kids should be spanked and thrashed for what they do to that poor kid. Aunu Janus Das Kaput.

It boils down to honor and respect. Bullies and punks need to be put in there place pronto. Honor used to mean something and honor should be defended. If more punks and bullies were given the opportunity to tastes their own blood this world would be a kinder place to those who are different. When respect is not freely given violence should not be ruled out.

I have seen it first hand. I knew a teenager from Thialand who was harrassed in high school by one of the biggest jocks. Finally this lad got fed up and one well placed kick to the boggotted jocks chops ended the harrassment and instantly gave the boy from Thialand the respect he deserved. The Thia boy Ott was a skilled kick boxer and could easily whip anyone in that school. When that became evident no one had the guts to harrass him.

There are 2 things that motivate scumbags. 1 is fear the other is money.Diane wrote:
>
> how about if you speak with the parents and explain to them
> how damaging it is to your grandsons self-esteem? I did this
> very thing after 3 months of this happening to my son, who
> isn’t over weight but just bigger than the boy in question.
> His mom was appalled and it never happened again. Hopefully
> these parents will understand and speak with their children.

A good down home ass whoopin is the answer. Now days Columbine happens but I have heard on good authority that the harrasment that the Columbine shooters endured was brutal. My own son had to dish out a few beatings to punks at his school. The trick is this you gotta beat em when you are off school grounds.

I now an older Jewish gentlman who described to me how they dealt with a local Nazi youth group in Utica NY in the 1930’s. They whipped some Nazi butt back then. So now think about the parallel. The jews in America were allowed to defend themselves and therefore were not victims. The one’s in Germany weren’t so lucky.

To tell children violence solves no problems is a lie.

To tell children to turn the other cheek is teaching them how to be a victim.

yes! Yes!!!!!!!!!!

Kick their butts and spank their parents too….. Down with Militarism.

Looking at the posts from 10-29-02 backwards, I’m alarmed at what this question dredged from the bottom. Kudos to Dorothy who took the high ground to help her grandson. Maybe a kick-butt approach works in the movies, but a lot of the kids getting teased aren’t able to kick anyone’s butt anyway, so the point is moot. Escalating the violence will only make the learning environment less safe for everyone. As a psychologist I was recently consulted concerning a kid getting teased about his weight, being new in school, and generally being vulnerable. Working pro bono on this one, I had no specific power since I hadn’t observed the kid in the setting and didn’t know the school, but I did accompany the mom to the multi-staffed meeting, brought a tape recorder, and beefed up the school’s accountibility. Mom was quite articulate in advocating for her son. Trouble is, the kid has a lot of negative behaviors that drive and contribute to the problems he has at school with both peers and teachers. There’s always two sides. The teasing is absolutely wrong and must be stopped, with school, the boys, and the other parents accountable, but the teased child may also have to make some changes. Good luck to Dorothy. Linda

I’ve read all these messages and my heart goes out for your grandson. My son is now in 7th grade. Last year he had the year from hell. He was picked on, forced to defend himself in fights, had teachers with the attitude that all was his fault, etc. After conflicting opinions about how to handle this problem (the vice-principle said take the high road and ignore while the guidance councellor felt kicking a little butt would settle it) my son tried both. First of all you must understand my son at that time was5 feet 5-6 inches and weighed 170 lbs. He was not fat but a BIG, TALL kid. Could not understand why anyone would start on him since he could flatten them all too easily. His problem was that he was TOO nice and was raised with the realization that he had to always be careful not to hurt others because he was always heads over his classmates. Even though when push came to shove and a fight ensued, my son did “win” the fight, it didn’t end. It became a point to pick on the BIG kid. The middle school had zero tolerance which meant my son got 1 day suspension and the instigator got 3. After 4 suspensions, numerous meetings, notes back and forth, I had had it! I told the school I would not tolerate it and wanted him moved to another school. It was late May so I agreed to wait for this year. IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID!!! He is now a HAPPY, well-adjusted child doing MUCH better in school, has made friends and is involved in activities he loves. He has even gotten his 1st class in Boy Scouts! I was afraid that taking him away from the problem would not teach him how to handle problems. But sometimes the solution is to realize you cannot change the situation and the best answer is to leave it. It worked for us. God Bless you and your grandson.

I would go to his learning consultant or the special ed dept. Forget the principal. They are worthless. Mention the word lawyer and they will get help for your grandson quickly. Especially in today’s day and age of the problems in schools with bullying, they should be very concerned about stopping it now!

Dear Mary,

I too am alarmed at some of the postings. Message after message of “tell the principal, tell the superintendent, keep a journal,etc.”, basically––negotiate an already failing and difficult system for most of us. I too am a professional.
You and I just read two different sets of books.

Your “from the bottom” characterization of the posters who do not subscribe to your way of thinking is unfortunate. I am sure you know that our schools are in terrible shape. I am also sure that you know that back before teachers lost their authority, and before laws and lawyers made total chaos out of the system, children received a better education. That has been proven.
And, depending on your age, you know darn well that kids “duking it out” over THEIR issues, usually ended the harassment problem by putting the bully in his/her place and kids pressed on. No one is suggesting that a child be aggressive against another child. But when a bully won’t quit, and when the parents don’t care or act, and when the school has done all it can do, then I say “have at it”! I don’t know about you, but my kids go to school to learn. I resent the interruption of learning and the time and money wasted with the methods you and some others suggested. Let the parents do some parenting instead of relying on the school. Stop taking the teachers’ and guidance counselors’ time with problems that should be handled at home. And stop expecting the school to teach the ethics and values that should be taught at home.

Don’t let your sheepskin cause you to lose your common sense, your gut, and your heart. Mine hasn’t. And by the way, a lot of people think that people in your profession and mine are the REAL bottom feeders–—I’d be careful with the name-calling. You don;t want to be perceived as arrogant when all you really mean to do is help.

Dear Mary,
I am sorry. My posting was in response to Linda.

Sir:

You are absoulutely right ! Swift and sure retaliation is the only way to show the bullies that the “normal people” mean buisness. The principal or lawyer who sits up there in there office getting cut off from reality should be not essential in this thing. If they fail to take action to stop bullying, then the kid or his supporters will use means at their disposal to eliminate the bullying.

I got called names in sixth grade like that by some boys in the hall even though I was a girl and not fat. It still hurt a lot.

I would suggest calling the parents or writing to to them about the situation. Just be “nice “and ask that the harrassment stop immediately.

That way you can show that you tried in a “:NICE ” way , at first, to get them to intervene with their child who they are responsible for. That is important for the “record” ( and do make a copy of the letter before sending it.) in case you have to go farther to solve this problem to show that you tried in a nice way at first to solve the problem. Start a file and document everything. What your child tells you happened everyday. Who said it and what.

Document the talks you had with each school person, teacher, coach, principal etc. Write down the date, time and what the conversation was about. Take a tape recorder with you just & casually mention that you are taping the meeting so that you don’t forget what was said later. Carry extra batteries and tapes. A small recorder works well.If you have to go farther, get an attorney or what ever, you can have this file of evidence. You could go to the school board and you could also call the Disability rights people for help.

If that doesn’t work, talk to an attorney.

Forget about what they do for the community. My mother was horrible at home and didn’t want me embarrassing her and my dad who where “known” by many people in the community. Big deal!! She didnn’t mind verbally abussing me rather frequently. I was afraid to tell anyone because ” they” were both well known in the “community”. Or at least she “thought” they were.
More, I think it was paranoia and worrying what “other people might think”.
If this kids parents are so well known and help the school so much, why is his kid such a jerk???
See what you can find out. Harrassing those with disabilities is pretty low. Remind his parents in your letter about the fact that your grandson has a disability and you may have to send them the bill if the harrassment makes it worse.
Ann G.

Excellent advise. You said it all, much better than I could. I agree too.
If the child is over weight, though I know from experience that that doesn’t have to be the case to be called fatso, he should be in some kind of physically challenging activity.
To the grandmother and anyone with over wieght kids. Dont make an issue about their weight, but do something about it now.

Boy scouts can be good to for friends and activities.

Get him into ice skating lessons, some kind of sport program. Get a hoop if you can and shoot baskets with the boys. He needs to be active to work off the weight and to feel better about himself too.

Cut out the fats, oils, and so forth. Or at least taper down slowly. Have lots of cut up carrots and low fat pretzel sticks out for snacks. Low fat dip. Make popcorn if they like to snack. Cut out the cookies and cake and pie and donuts and french fries. Bad news for the body all the way around. Start a walking program with both boys. Walk with them, ride bikes, roller skate,anything, but get him moving and often. Make an appt. with a dietician for the whole family. Make it a family thing about just eating better.
Good luck
Ann G.