Hi all,
My five year old son(hasn’t been assessed to date but probably is ADHD/Dyslexic) is having what many teachers might view as normal big school gitters/adjustments about his 5K teacher. He attended 4K last year and while he occasionally had issues with not listening, lost a couple of smiley’s here and there, timed out once or twice, for the most part, he did well and enjoyed school. He was very enthusiastic about going to school, seemed to really enjoy his class time. While I understand that 4K is much less structured than is the 5K classroom, I believe we have a bigger issue going on. My daughter who was diagnosed with ADD had a different kind of teacher and always had positive expereinces in class. To this day, she misses that teacher and that class.
I really don’t believe the whole problem is his lack of readiness etc.
My son has only been in school since August 7th, we go back very early, but has already lost several smileys on different days from talking out of turn, or not listening carefully to directions. The situation has escalated to the point that last night and today, he has been on a campain to convince me he is too sick to go to school. He has elaborate ailments and although I know what is wrong with him lies more so in his soul than his body, I can tell he genuinely needs me to believe him. Over the last week and days, he has had increasingly more anxiety about going and so far, we have steeled ourselves to his crying and tears and shoved him on into the class asking that he be brave and give it more time, another chance to see if he can enjoy it. In the meantime, we prayed silently that he would have positive experiences that day and that that would help him feel better about school. So far he has gone on into the class as we have asked of him, and he says he really is trying hard, but still just can’t do good enough. He has repeated over and over, it is too hard. We kept asking him to be patient and told him that if he gave it time, it would get easier. That has worked thus far, until today… Today, he became so hysterical and ademate that he was sick, that he made himself sick in the process. Clearly he is no longer having normal gitters about school.
In the orientation process, I attempted to describe my son’s issues, strengths, weaknesses etc. in detail for his teacher. I expressed to her that she had our cooperation and support, whatever we could do to help him be successful. I also told her about Daniel’s sister’s diagnosis and that it may very well become necessary to treat him with medication for his attentional difficulties, as his older sister has been on medications already. I also expressed that we would prefer to go ahead, have him assessed for LD’s/ADHD now, treat him with medications for the ADHD if needed, and remediate the LD’s now, rather than wait and allow him to continue to experience personal failures that are costing him self esteem and as he is very sensitive, causing him emotional damage. I still have emotional scars from my first grade experience so I KNOW this happens. I asked her very politely that she jot me a quick note to let me know when and why he is loosing his smileys or getting into trouble during class. I tried to explain that if she would let me know about these issues, I could try to help him better understand what is expected of him in class. I consider myself a fairly observant person and it did not escape my attention that Mrs. XXXX has an affinity for detail, right down to her cleverly matching clothes, shoes, and toe nail polish. I have nothing against well dressed, well groomed teachers, not a hair out of place, but this spells Left Brained Teacher to me. As my son is most probably ADHD, and Right Brained as is his sister, and Mom, it may very well be difficult if not impossible for her to understand the way in which HE learns.
WELL, …since I made my polite request to be informed of his problems with rules etc., a couple of new incidents have occurred, one of which he lost recess time for. While five year olds can exagerate the severity of an event it is true, still it shouldn’t go over looked that to a five year old, this was serious punishment as well. His infraction was, as best he could relay, something about not writing his sentences when he was asked to do so. He told me about the incidents each time when he got into the car at the end of his long day. He expressed how sad he was that he had gotten into trouble and that he was trying really, really hard to be good. I checked his folder, I checked his agenda(the place we are supposed to write notes to one another), but NO note from his teacher explaining any of it.
Now it is my husband’s opinion that in his line of work, if his client asks him to make them aware of something, and then he did not do so, he would be in BIG trouble, both with the client AND his boss. I know teachers are busy, but everything I have ever read has said it is crucial to keep open lines of communication with the teacher. It is my opinion, that I have gone out of my way to lend my encouragement and support to his teacher. Still I get that unspoken feeling that as this is her chosen profession, so she feels she can handle this without the meddling Mom always butting in. Maybe it is me, but I really don’t think I am being unreasonable to ask that they let me know when they are punishing my child?
Now I know, to some, I am SURE…, I sound like an overprotective mother, who just can’t stand to see her child(her baby) learn to deal with consequences for his actions etc. and that I should give him time to learn the ropes and his responsibilities in the classroom. Still, it is my belief that if he is uncomfortable in that classroom, fearful, etc. of the teacher, then it is not a positive learning environment. His issues with lack of focus and attention will only be exagerated by his fear of getting into trouble with her. From the books I have been reading, it would seem that many of the experts would agree with my opinion. I know I could call her and discuss it, or call the principal and discuss it, but I am beginning to really think that no matter how hard the parent trys, if the teachers minds are not open to these kids learning differences, then it is useles to continue to bang our heads on the wall. It is very sadto think no matter what I say now, no matter how hard I try to work through this issue with this teacher, she will never be able to bond or be close to my child. She has decided how she feels about him already, and it is very difficult if not impossible to change that opinion now. He is the fly in the oinment, the uncooperative child who must receive harsh consequences for his actions or lack of them. His teacher last year certainly had to put him in the time out chair on a couple of occasions, but he never came home saying he hated school, that his teacher was mean, or that he never wanted to go there again. It seems clear to me that her teaching style and his learning style do not agree.
Therefore, I have been contemplating two different courses of action, one more radical than the other. First, I have considered asking that he be assigned a new teacher. His 4K teachers assistant, who he dearly loves, has moved up to another 5K class, and I have considered asking that they let him attend in that class. The other option I have considered, is homeschooling him altogether. We have considered this option several times for his sister, but for my lack of self confidence, we have hesitated. Now she says she likes her second grade teacher, so she wants to stay with her and give her class an honest effort. Still, even with pull out resource time, she appears to still be having extreme difficulties with math, writing, and spelling. We are awaiting scheduling for a private Neuro-psychological assessment for her with hopes of more comprehensive remedial suggestions for her school. In her case, I don’t feel as urgent about change, but for him, I know I need to do something and soon. Please, if any of you would be so kind as to offer your advise, opinions, personal experiences? I will be most grateful. If you would respond soon, that would be be extra helpful and extremely appreciated as you wonderful people have been my sole source of realistic advice from those who truly understand.
Sincerely,
Debra
Re: Advise concerning K5 teacher and son....
Debra - you are a smart and wise mom. Follow your instincts. My comments for consideration are as follows - my ADHD son is in need of improving his social skills, if your son is the same and if your son welcomes the opportunity to be in this other teachers class then I would give it a try. One thing is for sure is that your son cannot be in this current teachers class.
I am so sorry that your little boy has experienced physical illness over stress. And it is wonderful that he has a Mom who truly listens and will help. I wish you the best.
Re: Advise concerning K5 teacher and son....
Thanks Linda,
I have found your previous advise concerning my daughter so helpful, I still have it saved onto my permanent files for reference. I will be adding this one in there too. You have given me concrete tools to work with. It seems so simple once said, but when you are in the moment, and you are emotionally driven like me, it is hard to stop and think rationally of a course of action. I tend to question myself alot. Part of that old, trying to please others trait, that I have been hauling around since childhood I guess. Thanks again for your excellent advise. Again, this message board has been a Blessing to me.
Your Friend,
Debra
Re: Advise concerning K5 teacher and son....
Thanks Jean,
I appreciate your encouranging words, opinions and advise very much. Like I told Linda, it is so hard when you are in the moment to think clearly. As a parent, you can’t help but become emotional and then your logical reasonability goes out the window too. It helps sooooo much to be able to come here and get sound, objective, experienced input from other mothers who understand very well the trials we experience from one day to the next.
As a brief update….
We went to the school to pick up my sons sister from school. While we were there in the hallway waiting for her to come out, his teacher came by. She said, Hey there, we missed you today, smiling and asked was he sick? The LOOK on my son’s face when he first saw her said it all for me, he looked like he had seen a ghost!!!! He was scared of her, with me standing right there, he was still scared of her. I was in mid conversation with my daughter’s resource teacher, so there wasn’t opportunity thankfully for her to pursue the issue of his absense at that moment. After we got home and had settle in I asked him when he saw her was he afraid, and of course, he told me yes. He also said that when we see her in the halls she is always nice and says nice things, but when she is in the class and I am not there, she is mean. Well, I remember how I hated going to my “Mean” first grade teachers class and had wished someone would have resqued me from her, but back then, the children were the ones who were always out of line. I refuse to put him under such stress again. He says he would try the other teachers class, so that may be the first plan of action. Still, I reserve the right to throw in the towel on all of them if necessary. It is sad though, that a child can have one year with such a wonderful experience and then the next so horrific.
Thanks so much for comminicating and listening. I don’t know what I would do without this message board.
Sincerely,
Debra
Re: Advise concerning K5 teacher and son....
There are good and bad teachers of course. Then there are kids who can be hard to deal with too, especially in groups. I hate to blame one side or the other without more detail.
I would say *definitely* try to get him transferred to the other kindergarten class. Then try to talk to the teacher after school as you pick him up. Formal meetings can be even harder on teachers than on kids and parents — I don’t know your school, but the bureaucratic rules and foulups in some can be amazing.
Re: Advise concerning K5 teacher and son....
We have had problems for the past 2 years with our 7 year old, Kindergarden, and first grade was a total nightmare…seems we ( his father and myself) spent as much time in the princibles office than he did…at one point they wanted us to pull him out of kindergarden and wait another year, they said he was and I quote” a very young 6 year old” he wasn’t mature enough to be in school. We kept him in school and he seem to settle down..he passed to 1st grade. Tha’t’s where we ran into trouble, Jeremy wouldn’t say in his seat, he was running around the room, climbing under the desk, and throwing his famous temper tantrums. In some of his studies he excelled in (math was O+) reading and spelling was hopless, I worked with him every night, but by the next day he had already forgotten what we had studied the night before. The teacher wasn’t much help either, she was set in her way of teaching, and she wasn’t going to put up with his problems, she went as far as kicking him out of class (7 years old)for falling asleep, and calling me at work to say he was sick. I rush to school only to find him crying, and standing outside the school with the princible. She was quick to say he wasn’t sick and as to why I was called. I about bit her head off I was so angry over this. To me it was a cop out on his teachers part. School hasn’t started yet here in Pa. and I have already spoke with the new teacher about the meds he is on and how he was labled the past 2 year as a BAD KID, Jeremy was held back and will repeat 1st grade again, but I think it will be on a better note this year.I knew something needed to be done, so I started talking to one of the bosses at work, and he told me about ADD and ADHD.
It took awhile but I talked my husband into having him tested for ADD, we soon found out he had ADHD. Since the start of Adderall, we have only notice he isn’t eating like he used too at daycare. At home he eats a good breakfeast, and a big dinner. So right now I’m not to worried. He goes to bed at 9:00pm, and within 20 minutes he is passed out for the night.
Re: Advise concerning K5 teacher and son....
A child shouldn’t be scared or stressed out over going to school. I would try and switch his classroom, or perhaps if you have a therapist or psychologist to go and check out the classroom for you to tell you what is going on in there. I sent my dd’s psychologist in to check out the classroom dynamics and she said that her class was a special ed class without a special ed teacher. I have had problems with teachers, now the principal who believes that she has my dd best interests at heart, who has told me that I cannot switch classrooms, or continue to remove her 3 half days for specialized tutoring, (but I call it homeschooling, but the school doesn’t like that “term”). But my dd has attention problems even on meds and needs a different class. I have gone above her head to the school board this time and have just today gotten the okay to continue to remove her 3 half days for”tutoring, but the switching of programs is up to the principal. Well I know what her answer will be, and I am prepared to fight her on it because the law is on my side for this. Go with your gut, do what you have to do, we are the only people with our kids best interests at heart and never take no for an answer.
Re: Advise concerning K5 teacher and son....
Thanks for writing Merlene.
Your son sounds alot like my eight year old daughter, only her troubles in first grade were mostly from inattentiveness. She would zone out and be in her own world during class. They advised us to hold her back also, so we did. Now sometimes, I am uncertain if that was the right thing to do or not. Still, the past can’t be undone. She takes 10mg of Adderall XR, it is the time released version. I don’t know if that is what your son has, but it is exactly the same Adderall, only it covers the whole school day. Now she doesn’t have to take half in the morning and half at lunch, which is much better for her.
She too has the lack of appetite, which is a very common side effect. Sometimes we elect to skip meds on weekends so she can really eat. She has always been a picky eater anyway, so that really worried me, but so far she hasn’t lost any weight. She has slimmed out some as she gets a little taller, but hasn’t added any weight. Still the doctor says she is within the average weight scale for her age group so that is comforting. I try to remember to give her vitimins so she can get that extra boost of nutrition. Thankfully she likes salads and juices so there are a few healthy choices in her diet.
I can attest to the benefits of the medication in the school environment, at least for her, it was extremely helpful. She decided for herself that it helped her. She is far more attentive, can sit still longer, and doesn’t have as many impulsive behaviors, like talking out of turn etc. Everyone can see a difference. She also takes an antidepressant because she is/was often withdrawn and moody. She seemed sad all the time, rarely made eye contact and rarely smiled. Now she will initiate conversations and seems generally much more happy. I don’t know if it helps, but for me, it always is comforting knowing there are other families with similar circumstances. Also, hearing how there experiences unfolded can be so educational, I can get guidance from someone with more experience. I cannot say enough about this message board. I am it’s biggest fan! I will say a prayer that this year brings your son new successes.
Best Wishes,
Debra
Re: Advise concerning K5 teacher and son....
Not every teacher is the right teacher for every child and it does sound like your son and his teacher may be mismatched. Does your school ever make changes after the school has begun? You may want to quietly ask around and find out what the precendent is. Then I’d go talk to the guidance counselor or principal and ask to make the switch. (Make sure you know how many students are in that other room first or they might tell you it’s too full)
That would be a less drastic option than homeschooling - although I’m a big fan of homeschooling - but with your hesitations about it why not explore the possiblity of a switch before pulling him out?
If you do pull him out of school, or if you might, try to start making some contacts with the homeschooling community in your area. That might help you to feel more confident about your ability to homeschool either or both of your children. There’s a whole homeschooling world out there!
First, I have to say, some teachers hear ADHD and they say “Oh no, I have one of those.” They will look at everything your child does differently. If a child is whispering in your child’s ear they will assume that your child did something to provoke it. I have found that I have to be so careful who I share labels with. Labels allow some to blame the child for any problems. The only see the label and stop seeing the child.
Instead I will say, C does much better with learning if he is able to use his auditory strengths or he does better if he is allowed to get up and walk around or stretch once in awhile etc. I am giving the teacher specific actions to take to help him. I am pointing to ways that can help rather than saying it is his problem.
I know that a good teacher will take the label and use it to help the child. She will know what works for these children. Unfortunately, you just don’t know that the teacher is capable of that in the beginning of the year. It clearly seems as though this teacher is not capable of understanding what your child needs.
I would do whatever it takes to move your child. I have found the right teacher can make an incredible difference.
One other thing, in the meantime, follow-up all discussions with a note and keep a copy. I had so many discussions with the teacher last year and nothing was done. She always responded to my notes.
You seem to have a very good understanding of your child. He is very lucky!