Hi all,
Our eight year old daughter over the last six months has become increasingly more impulsive. Before she was primarily inattentive. She will blurt things out at inappropriate moments, add her two cents worth in at the end of any comments her father or I make in adult conversations with others, and she sings and sometimes hoots loudly, even in public settings, like the hospital lobby. We usually give a warning, and then take away tv time or other priviledges when she won’t listen. She often behaves like a clown, smiling, batting her eyelids, which I suspect could be her attempt to get attention. It seems to us the problem is getting worse. Her younger brother, five, tends to follow suit with her, and neither listens when they get carried away. It can prove right embarassing in public. We don’t like spanking our kids, have diligently sworn off doing it, but it seems we find ourselves threatening to do it often, because they don’t seem to care about other punishments. We realize they need several more outlets for burning their energies than they have at present. Still, we need to get the lesson about self control across. Any hints, or advice on how to help get some self disapline across to these two unruley ones would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Deb
Re: Any advice on teaching self control?
Mary is giving you very good advice. Do not get into power struggles. Do not discuss or threaten. There is a system of rules and a system of consequences when the rules are broken. That is it.
I also agree that to be effective you have to not scream or lose control yourself. Kids will do things to get a negative reaction from you. When you give them that reaction you have just transferred the power from you to them. They hold the keys. “Now I can make mommy scream.” Having that type of power can even be frightening for the child. The child will be more relaxed once it becomes clear that you are in charge and not them.
This doesn’t mean in charge in a punitive and power hungry way but parents have to set the limits and kids need to know exactly what those limits are.
This may at times mean leaving the amusement park because someone is acting up. You just say, “That’s it we are going home.” You ignore the “aw mom,” or the “that’s not fair it was his fault not mine, why am I being punished?’ You just calmly, evenly walk to you care without a hint of worry. You don’t scream or raise your voice as a matter of fact you do the exact opposite. You don’t show a hint of emotion.
If you do this once or twice the behavior can just magically stop. It really is amazing how it can affect you relationship with your kids your husband, everything can change.
Re: Any advice on teaching self control?
Thanks Mary, Thanks Linda,
Of course, your both right. You know, we read this so many times, it seems like it would sink in and we could transfer it into action, but for whatever reason, it becomes greek when faced with the reality of these two kids. I think I need to write this system out and keep it with me for when I have that momentary abnesia.
I will definitely try out the system today and use it for as long as nec. to see it work. I also appreciate the hints about what to do in public. I have that problem often when one is acting out, but not the other. The child behaving well is always very upset with me if I try to call off the outing and so far, I was not strong enough to follow through with my threats. Now I need to just follow the system and let them be upset with one another should one of them cost the other the outing. I appreciate the advice muchly, and I will have my husband read this as well. I think he can use it as much as I can!
Much Thanks,
Deb
Re: Any advice on teaching self control?
I read an article about self control methods. It said to start with bubbles, blow them but ask the children to restrain themselves from popping them, then praise them for their self control. In daily activities find anything that shows self control (handwriting, pouring liquids, riding a bike) and praise your child.
Before a public outing tell them if they act inappropriate they will have to apologize to the strangers around you who they are affecting. If they are noisy take them by the hand to a stranger and tell your child to say “I’m sorry I was rude/disrespectful/loud in the waiting room.” They probably won’t say it but it may help develop empathy and improve their self-control.
This will only help if you can find that magic something that will be an effective punishment at home
My boys all played this one out-they knew we did not want to make a scene in public and they took advantage of it, saying things they wouldnt have at home etc
Once I established a punishment they hated(depended on which kid-lose computer time, TV time, early bedtime, write sentences) I told them I would do a 1, 2, 3 system when we were out of the house. First infraction I simply held up 1 finger-second infraction, 2 fingers, # 3 meant the punishment was in effect when we returned home
The trick is not to talk about it-not to explain what they did wrong(an 8 yr old knows not to hoot)even when they act innocent and confused(“what….what, what’d I do?”). NO WARNINGS other than a reminder of the system as you leave the car at your first destination. All those warnings and explanations are ATTENTION-your fingers are not.
This worked- not immediately, but very quickly(we did have to come up with a 2nd punishment for the 2nd set of 3 for one of my kids) I also felt in control of myself with this calm way of doing things-I had embarassed myself by screeching a few times before we instituted this :)