Need reality check and advice here.
DD unhapppily switched schools in fourth from PS to parochial school, one class per grade. Not doing homework—thought she was sabotaging the switch. Teacher calls me in—intimates she as new girl may be subject to bullying. News to me—except I volunteer names of two girls who tried to get her to give them her binder near beginning of school. He (yes—he) says some stuff about wanting every child to feel safe in his classroom and will work to make sure this is the case.
Flash forward ten days and she and two others get in trouble for passing notes during “silent” lunch (ridiculous notion—but I’m not the teacher) that was ordered by and monitored by music teacher. Somehow dd is fingered as ringleader though she didn’t start the note passing. Flash forward another three days to a homework meltdown where dd sobs out that one of the girls I had named earlier to teacher had taken the notes out of dd’s desk and the other girl I had named turned them into the teacher and that’s how he found out about the note pasing. Also turns out latter girl has repeatedly written “dd is a loser” in dd’s planner.
I write note to teacher (last day of school before Thanksgiving) simply expressing concern and asking him to call. Which he does as he is trying to hurry away for holiday. Based on my use of word “concerned” he had ferreted out story and gave the two girls third degree about criminal activity. But—and here is problem—he faulted dd for not telling him, he shouldn’t hear this from me, he should hear it from her. Further, dd is altogether too squirmy etc. and maybe we should meet with principal because if she doesn’t settle down maybe she shouldn’t continue at the school. In fact, as dd had told me, just the day before he had told her if she didn’t settle down she would get another demerit and have to go to detention. When I offered that perhaps that was a bit harsh to say in front of the whole class and that I was surprised she (as nine-year old girl) had actually gotten out of bed and gone to school the next day. He gave me short shrift and stoutly maintained the necessity of him making statements like this in order to keep discipline in the class. (I did get a slight concession that given what had happened, the statement might have had the unintended effect of making dd further target.)
School resumes tomorrow. The more I think about his remarks, the more anxious I am about dd. It seems like he’s blaming the victim. I think it’s unrealistic to expect a 9 year old to self-report bullying and churlish to blame them if they don’t. Also all this stuff of not settling down well didn’t come up in earlier conference, but has suddenly popped up. I think it could reasonably be attributed to anxiety after being subject to a malicious conspiracy. DD has always been very high energy and frankly (based on home behavior) I would not have been surprised if over her previous four years a teacher had brought up the subject of medication. But in fact, I never had a teacher report a problem, though I gave them plenty of openings.
I am worried sick the teacher will continue to come down hard on her when she is still very delicate (though her outlook has improved considerably since she learned the two girls got in trouble) and desparately needs something positive to happen for her in his classroom. (BTW—her normal mode is high spirited and resilient.)
This is only the teacher’s second year teaching fourth grade—had many previous years teaching was junior high boys at a military school. I really don’t think he’s clued in about the vicious social lives of fourth grade girls or about their fragile psyches. At this point, I’m not sure I should even talk to him as the situation is arousing serious Mama lion instincts—an attitude I expect would just add fuel to the fire. Views on overreaction on my part, advice sought.
Bullying- a terrible problem
I suggest www.bullying.org-scroll down to resources. Some excellent articles. A real problem with adolescent and pre-adolescent girls where social status is everything. It can be very subtle and completely relentless. The only effective way I know is to create a classroom and school climate that actively supports and prizes positive interaction, leaving very little room for bullying. The fact that the teacher sees it and is concerned for your daughter helps.
good luck - this was our toughest crisis -bullying with an incompetant teacher. 2 years later we are still recovering.
Re: Bullying--Mama lion on the prowl--long and pathetic
I am also the mom of a usually high energy, resilant youngster. I know when he complains it is for real. Most of the time he says, “Mom, I can handle it, don’t get involved.” When he asks for my involvement I know it must be bad for him.
Can’t help you with the girl thing. I think it must be harder than dealing with boys. Boys will hit you over the head and be done with it. It makes it easier to deal with.
Perhaps explain that to the teacher. Girls have a way of attacking you from behind. It is so much more complex and difficult to understand.
Is there a guidance counselor or someone else that can get involved?
Re: Bullying--Mama lion on the prowl--long and pathetic
We had a bad fourth grade year with our daughter–ironically, we moved her to a parochial school for fifth and things have been much better since. I have a feeling that the male teacher does not necessarily understand the intricacies of bullying with girls this age.
Some ideas apart from dealing with the teacher. It sounds to me like she is an outsider in a group of rather unkind girls. I would suggest your daughter look for other kids to be friends with and that you do what you can to encourage other friendships. Even in the class that my daughter’s teacher described as the “worse group of kids she ever had to teach”, there were nice kids and eventually my daughter made a couple of friends (we had moved from out of state that year). Your daughter is is vulnerable because she is new and seems to have fallen into the wrong group.
If there are situations that reoccur, consider role playing with your daughter. Kids pick on kids they think they can pick on.
Beth
Follow up
Thanks for the support. I saw the counseller first thing this morning. She had not been alerted as to bullying possibility and said she’d look into it immediately. She seemed pretty sympathetic, although of course she couldn’t say much about any views she may have about the teacher blaming dd for the problem. She did offer some agreement on men possibly not being clued in about little girls and that the teacher tended to see things as black and white. Haven’t heard anything back yet—I was very fearful sending her into that classroom this morning and am still on pins and needles. Funny thing is that you’d never pick her out as a bully’s target. Girls normally love to be around her because she’s very social, creative, and energetic and continually comes up with fun activities to do. We’re working on finding girls in the class to invite over, but many live far away (except of course her two tormentors.) And she seems to prefer the company of girls from her old school.
Oh Mama Lion, I feel your pain! Yes, you are right that he is expecting too much from a 4th grader. Period, regardless of her temperment or his discipline style. She’s still very young, and girls that age need supervision and facilitation. It sounds like you are stuck with him though so you probably need to suck it up and make him your (and your daughter’s ) friend. My child is also in private school and since the school isn’t obligated to serve us, sometimes you have to be very savvy and political to get what you want. Hang in there.