Anyone know what happens when a 21-year-old with ADHD decides to give up the college struggle after 1 1/2 years? I am so depressed about this, yet I don’t feel I can help him. He refuses to even discuss counseling. He’s in a community college transfer program, and if he finishes he’ll go on to a state university automatically. But he’s sick of living at home, sick of not having spending money or a good car, and believes he’ll have this idyllic life if he leaves home & goes to work fulltime.
What can we do or say?
Re: college age boy
We have one. Gone thru a few bouts of similar subject, so all I can say is… we understand.
Our boy is turning 20 and has adjusted his schedule so he is taking classes 2 days per week and working 4. He has paid off his car, pays his own gas, insurance etc… even had to pick up the difference in our insurance after a small accident.
Our son definitely goes thru stages where he wants to move out and have the idylic life he (and we all have) dreams about. On the other hand, he comes back to his senses for a few days and things level out.
His mother (my wife) works with him on how to maintain a check book, what goes on with bills etc… and I think that sometimes keeps the drive to move out at bay, but the day will come.
I think a lot of the attitude has to do with who he hangs out with and what is going on in the social scene. If he is hanging around older kids who are already on their own, then he gets the pangs of wanting to be on his own.
Funny thing with our son is he gets really ornery about wanting to quit work when things don’t seem to go his way. I think he gets ticked at fellow workers who do not pull thier load and stuff like that, and of course, the standard supervisor who is unfair and not a good leader (hmmm).
Anyway, whent his happens, I try to explain about how you end up working with sloths and unfit supervisors everywhere, and he needs to learn how to deal with that and not run away from it; as it will only show up at the next place of employment.
Mostly, I can suggest trying to convince him to keep his foot in the door at school, maybe take a few less units and find a way to work his way into saving some $ for vehicle and pocket money. Wish I could give you better advice, but can only say that we understand and your fears and worries are not isolated to your home.
Good luck.
Andy
Re: college age boy
I have a step son who I think is an undiagnosised ADHD, he has been out of high school a year, he’s flunked out of college, after one semester, joined the Air Force and quit after 3 weeks, had probably 5 low paying jobs and quit or got fired from all of them. So I guess you can be glad at least your son has a plan.
His latest plan is to marry his high school sweetheart, who he breaks up with every other month, she is going to college. When we ask him where he plans to live and how he plans to eat, he says they’ll live with his mom. So as long as she continues to support him, he’ll probably never assume any responsibility.
So I guess from this experience my advise would be to let him do what he wants….but let him support himself. Chances are…in time….he’ll find out that life isn’t so perfect either.
Good Luck! Isn’t motherhood wonderful? LOL
I have a stepson who sounds just like yours........
We didn’t get him properly diagnosed until his late twenties. It turns out he has anxiety disorder. He does much better on medication.
Wish we’d known this when he was a teen. His IQ scores were in the top 5th of his class, but his grades were in the bottom 5th. We tried to get him help, but the professionals kept mis-diagnosing him. What a waste of talent! His IQ is in the 140’s but he works as a hash cook.
Mary
Re: college age boy
The best thing my ADD-Inattentive son ever did was to go on a mission to an impoverished country. Before he left he couldn’t handle money for the life of him, he could keep a job but he didn’t do well in college. He comes back from his mission in August, he left as a 19 year old boy and he will be coming back as a very wise, compassionate and mature young 21 year old man.
Some of my friends have arranged for their kids to go into the Peace Corp so they too can realize what life is about and also lose themselves in the service of humanity. But if something like this isn’t an option, then you have to let go and let him learn on his own. Many kids that I work with have dreams and the reality is that they don’t have the work ethic to acheive their dreams. They expect that everything will be hunky dory and expect everything to be given to them. We want them to be successful but we can’t pave the way for them. They need to learn on their own and that is when we let go, and pray that they don’t crash and burn but we are always there for them when they need us. Just make sure that you aren’t there bailing for him, but helping him solve his own problems and be independent..
Hang in there…
Re: college age boy
The best thing my ADD-Inattentive son ever did was to go on a mission to an impoverished country of his own free will and choice. Before he left he couldn’t handle money for the life of him, he could keep a job but he didn’t do well in college. He comes back from his mission in August, he left almost 2 years ago as a 19 year old boy and he will be coming back as a very wise, compassionate and mature young 21 year old man who has his head on straight.
Others I know have arranged for their kids to go into the Peace Corp so they too can realize what life is about and also lose themselves in the service of humanity. If something like this isn’t an option, then you have to let go and let him learn on his own. Many high school kids that I work with have gradious dreams and the reality is that they don’t have the work ethic to acheive these dreams. They expect that everything will be hunky dory and also expect that everything will be given to them. We want our young adults to be successful but we can’t pave the way for them. They need to learn on their own and that is when we let go, and pray that they don’t crash and burn but we are always there for them when they need us. But we have to make sure that we aren’t there bailing for them, but helping them solve their own problems and be independent..
Hang in there…
Life can teach its own lessons. At 21, there’s not much to do or say except to ask what are his plans exactly? Quitting school doesn’t magically materialize a good car and spending money.
School isn’t for everybody and some very successful people dropped out of college (Bill Gates for one) Some very successful people never went to college.
If he can establish other productive goals for himself, he’s way ahead of the game. He can always return to school and possibly be working for an employer who will pick up the tuition.
Good luck to him.