I have a dyslexic daughter who has a B average in a private school, is in their program that offers extra help for tests at school, and is also being tutored in Wilson and a math tutor, that she asked for. She is a sweet child and constantly complimented for her sweet disposition and willingness to work hard and how well-behaved she is. Here is my concern: Now that she is in middle school, the weekly folders don’t come home, so it is up to her to share with me her grades. She is not being honest with me, nor I think with herself, about the fact that she is doing poorly on her tests. Her grades are slipping. She has lied about her grades to me, as I found out from a teacher, and also whether she’s even getting tests back. I know that getting angry with her will not help, but I don’t know how to handle it. I’m mostly concerned that this behavior is part of her personality and that as she progresses with adolescence, it will spill over into other areas of life. She will say that a test was “easy” and then get a failing grade. What’s behind this, and what should I do? I’m also looking for literature on this and can’t find anything.
been there, done that
Yes, it is very very common. In the books I guess they just classify it under adolescent rebellion.
With my daughter I had no success at all talking to the school and the teachers; they could not understand why anyone would be upset that a kid got a B or C (she’s gifted and the middle school was a pit — a B was terrible), and they could not believe that a sweet gifted kid might have some hidden weaknesses, and they also had the insane idea that middle school kids are ready to make independent decisions about life — how they could believe that with the evidence to the contrary in front of them daily Lord only knows.
I tried and tried arguing with the brick wall at the school, I tried talking to my daughter reasonably, and I tried the usual parental frustrated screaming. Finally I got her out of that school and a year early into a high school with a selective science program; she found friends who were also good students and peer pressure worked well for once.
She has always been (and I mean from toddlerhood) an extremely independent and private person, and I still have trouble getting any news out of her.
I hope that you can get better communication with the school than I did — since it’s a private school and you are paying them you can demand it. Be very very clear and repeat yourself a few hundred times that she has a small problem, one that can be dealt with, but she is NOT yet ready to take decisions about her education onto herself. You don’t care what all the other kids are doing, you are talking about *your* kid and she is not a clone of all the others, thank you. You don’t care what the teachers think she *should* be able to do at her age, you are talking about where she *is* now.
Now, please be realistic about what the teachers can do physically in the course of a normal class. There was a long discussion a while ago about whether teachers should be forced, with IEP lawsuits, to write the student’s homeworkl in his agenda for him. This simply is not realistic; if it takes you two minutes per kid, and you have two or three special needs kids, you are losing five minutes out of a forty minute class, more than twelve percent of the class time. It all adds up, and your daughter and all her class will lose out. But it would not be hard for each teacher to put her returned tests and grades into a folder in the desk and for you to go to school and pick up all the folders on Fridays. A few weeks of this, and your daughter would be embarrassed by being different and not getting her tests back, and you could probably get her to go back to the normal system.
By the way, as far as marks dropping in middle school, do double-check if there are other reasons for it. She may have new academic demands or rushed schedules or noise and distractions or teachers whose methods she does not understand, any of which may cause her to be totally at sea in her classes, and the secrecy may be a sign of stress and being in an impossible situation where she *can’t* do the work, rather than *won’t*. I know with my daughter secrecy and weird behaviour is a stress symptom.
Hmm, Are grades that important??
I have two boys,dysgraphic,in a private school for lder’s. One of the main reasons I placed them here is to get away from the “grade” obsession.
I have found over the years,”good” grades without learning.
If your duaghter has a sweet disposition,tries hard,ASKS for help,why make her report her grades? why is this priority? Is she learning?Does she have a handle on what it is she needs to work on learning?
I am still trying to undo the built in ” your a failure” emotional damage done from the public schools,without four A’s you can’t get the bumper sticker or honor roll. (this happened to be my oldest boys goal in life,in 2nd grade! How sad is that? Well,when your 7,can’t write legibly,can’t pay attention,or seem to keep up with anything going on in class,having a goal of straight A’s can be a senselesss exercise)
How well is she learning? This,to me ,has got to be priority. I have found quite a few articles that tell one how inaccurate most grades are.
In regards to the adolescent thing. My two are 12 and 13. My 13 year old is obsessed with being a “Skateboarder” He is not all that good,and neuroticly afraid of seriously getting injured. What the heck?? I don’t think there is all that much reality going on in a 13 yo mind. NOW there is a lot of lit. on this! My husband and I watched the best show on the PBS. It actually showed physiological changes in an adolescent mind.
It discussed how the decision making ability of the adolescent mind was not fully developed. That making a realistic decision was difficult,and emotions often overpowered logic. My hubby and I looked at each other at this point and said,that explains it!
Re: Hmm, Are grades that important??
I totally agree. My ex-husband — and there are reasons he’s ex — had the all A’s obsession. Well, my daughter is very bright in general although writing was a real trial, and if she had chosen classes that were easier for her she could have dozed through the day and got all A’s. I encouraged her to do the exact opposite, to challenge herself academically and to take risks. She was 1 1/2 years younger than her classmates in high school — I got her out of the middle school that was a pit and into the selective high school science program, and it was the best decision I ever made for her. She became very much happier after the first semester and stopped imitating the delinquent behaviour that was the norm in the middle school. She took two languages and several sciences and joined the marching band and taught herself to play two instruments. Sure there was some stress and sure she got a couple of B’s and even a C or two and even one F, but she was happy and in a place where she had people like her all around. She and her friends had an unofficial competition for who could pass the most AP courses, and for SAT scores. Now that’s peer pressure! Of course we could have kept he with her age mates and in a less demanding program and then she would have had all A’s — so what? How could that possibly be a “better” education? And by the way, she had no trouble at all getting into a selective university, even applying late (organizational issues as well as dysgraphia run in the family) even with a couple of low grades on the transcript — the admissions committee was far more impressed by the academically challenging classes that they were by kids with “good” grades in non-demanding courses.
Re: been there, done that
I think you’re right about the teenage stuff. She is definitely more concerned about her social life than academics. And I DO think it’s more common than we think. I have tried to downplay the “grades” part and just encourage her to be honest with me so that we have a good relationship. Also that she doesn’t have to be what I want her to be, but she does have to get through school and be responsible. I know by now that yelling doesn’t work anymore. I can see the wall go up in her eyes. Thanks for your words of wisdom. I have read the “Talk so kids will listen” book, and it is excellent. Luckily, she does have a tutor at school that does better communicating with the teachers than they do with her, but I think that will help.
I think another reason for all of this is the fact that we are moving to a new state, and she will be attending public school rather than private school, so I think she thinks the “pressure is off.” She knew that to stay in the school she’s in, she had to keep up her grades, and that motivation is no longer there.
I will think about the “folder” thing. I know that would be very humiliating for her, but the suggestion of it might snap her to attention. Thanks again.
Re: Denial in pre-teens
I’m mostly concerned that this behavior is part of her personality and that as she progresses with adolescence, it will spill over into other areas of life. She will say that a test was “easy” and then get a failing grade. What’s behind this, and what should I do?
My kid is also being a p.i.a. this year. Went from A’s and B’s this Fall to Cs and Bs this past marking period, and it would have been C’s and D’s if I hadn’t gotten midterm evals from the teachers at the beginning of January, and then did the traditional parental ranting, screaming, King Kong on steroids act to get her to make up all her incompletes. The trouble is she now is old enough to see through me. She knows I am not as out of control as I would like her to believe. I do think this is adolescence. I also think that because I know about the past history of learning disabilities - which I have carefully remediated and have not disclosed to her extremely demanding school - that I have a tendency to catastrophise. Thus, instead of looking at this as being a 12 year old socialite pain in the rear being a 12 year old socialite p.i.a., I think “Alas and Woe! With these grades they are going to keep her in Prealgebra until the end of time! If she doesn’t get into Algebra I by eighth grade latest she won’t have had geometry and Algebra II in time for the SAT IIs. Her scores will be lousy. She won’t be able to do calculus in high school. She’s gonna flunk outta college. She tells me she wants to be a physician, but she won’t get into medical school, and even if she did get and stay in medical school, what kind of a physician will she make if she is too lazy to get her work done? Can I in good conscience inflict such a physician on a trusting world? Etcetera.
My sister says that I am certifiably nuts. You know, I was praying about this a few days ago, and the message I got was: “Tell you what. You take care of her math. I will take care of her future. Deal?” So, I am sending her to military summer school to take five weeks worth of 8 hours a day, 6 days a week Algebra I as a preview for next year, and also as punishment for the nine incomplete homework assignments (I finished it in school, Mom), and the four failed quizzes (Mrs. L doesn’t give tests; she just gives homework, maybe two or three times a week), and I have set her extra math until the marking period is over.
Truthfully, I think this is a stage and we just have to live through it, like the tantrums and toilet training thing.
It is part of adolescence and also perhaps being inattentive to the details, in other words perhaps grades and schoolwork aren’t on her “top” priority list”, friends and relationships are.It is hard to say without knowing your daughter…
Perhaps having a grade contract that goes between you and the teacher that she has to have the teacher sign and you have to sign will help your communication with the teacher abouit how she is doing in class and confront any denial she may have about how she is diong in class. My daughter really isn’t that concerned about grades. Yes, she does get frustrated about doing poorly on tests…but she is on top of her homework and assignments..and she tries to be up and up with me but things do slip up and I have found that when the teacher gives me a print out of her grades weekly that problem has gone away…
I try to do things with my daughter that she likes to do and other times she runs along with me do to errands. It is times in the car that she talks about things in her life, and to be truthful grades come up but not as much as all the teenage angst suff does…things like hair, relationships, clothes, friends… It may not be as bad as you think it is….teenagers are hard, but this too shall pass…trust me… make sure she knows you love her and remember to listen…to her more than you give your advice…:-)
One book I just love is called. “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk… Good luck!!