The Factors Influencing Parent's Acceptance and Adjustment t

It’s a good question but I don’t have a good answer for it. I was very resistant initially when told my older son had a learning difference. Are there parents who aren’t at first reluctant if not resistant? To me it stands to certain reason that parents would not be eager to embrace such news. The only factor that would parents accept such news quietly is if they didn’t really care about their child and most parents do care deeply about their children.

What difference would the answer to this question make anyway? Why do you ask?

Sara,
I’m asking because I, myself, have a learning differences, and my parents have denied it all. Now writing my research paper, I decided to explore this topic.

I was actually relieved when my son was diagnosed with a written expression LD. We had gone through years of trying to figure out why teachers were telling us he was lazy, and would do so much better if only he applied himself. That in itself was frustrating because it didn’t seem to me he was lazy at home, at least not any more so than a typical elementary school boy. In 5th grade, when the homework time became unbearable, I finally pushed to have him evaluated. So, I guess the factor that led to my acceptance of my son’s LD was that it finally explained years of frustration in school.

I don’t understand your part of the question regarding adjusting one’s child’s disability.

Good luck with finishing your paper.

Okay,Of course I will take a stab at this question.
1.what factors contribute to adjustment and acceptance of your child’s disability?
2.Why would you accept and adjust disability?

In answer to 1. If your question is, what contributed to my children’s adjustment and acceptance,it would have to be my acceptance of their disability. Of course I am also learning disabled. My husband is probably,but was never diagnosed. I believe the way our children adjusted in their Mars household was to know that they are just like their own parents. Now,if your question is how do you accept your child’s disability,you don’t. You adjust,you allow them their differences,but you never allow them to give up,or behave in an unacceptable manner all in the name of disability. Something I learned about myself a long time ago. Everyone learns about themselves eventually,everyone learns that if you want something you try harder to get it. Is this acceptance,is this adjustment?I suppose it depends on your definitions.

Ah. I think your parent’s reaction is a common one. It was certainly my reaction when they told me my son had a learning difference.

I think it comes from several things - all of them good. Parents care about their children and want only good things for them. Parents want their children’s lives to be even better than theirs. The news that a child has a learning disability shakes parents up. At some inner level, they worry about whether the child will indeed have a better life or not.

Most parents don’t know what to do about it even if they accept it. It’s a rocky road. There aren’t easy answers and there are many questions. By denying it, parents can continue to live their lives unburdened with the hard decisions that surround having a child with a learning disability.

But you can’t. And you need also to live with the knowledge that your dear parents, like the rest of us, are human and that they care about you so much they want only good things for you.

Good luck with your paper and everything else.

I think the process of finding out your child has a disability is the same as the stages one goes through when they are greifing. If a parent gets stuck at a stage they don’t complete the cycle. Below is the grief cycle

1) DENIAL

In the denial stage we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one. Making an extra cup of tea for our loved one who is no longer there, rushing back to tell someone that you have met an old friend. Flashing back to times and conversations in the past as though they we here with us now. They can all be part of this stage.

2) ANGER

We get angry. The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others for our loss. We can become easily agitated having emotional outbursts. We can even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cope with grief in my experience.

3) BARGAINING

Bargaining can be with ourselves or if you are religious with your god. Often we will offer something to try to take away the reality of what has happened. We may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were before the tragic event occured. It is only human to want thing as they were before.

4) DEPRESSION

Depression is a very likely outcome for all people that grieve for a loss. This is what I would consider the most difficult stage of the five to deal with. There can be a the feeling listlessness and tiredness. You may be bursting helplessly into tears. Feeling like there is no purpose to life any more. Feeling guilty, like everything is your own fault. You may find you feel like you are being punished. Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve even from things and activities which you have always gained delight. There can even be thoughts of suicide. There are many different ways in which this stage of grief can manifest itself. If you at any time in this stage feel like doing yourself any harm please do seek professional counseling. Self preservation is a must.

5) ACCEPTANCE

The final stage of grief. It is when you realize that life has to go on. You can here accept your loss. You should now be able to regain your energy and goals for the future. It may take some time to get here but you will.

>>What factors contribute to the acceptance and adjustment of your child’s disability? (Why would you accept and adjust disabilty?)<<

Hmmmm.
My dyslexic son is number three child.
My eldest has been diagnosed with severe asthma when she was 20 months old.
That started me on a flurry of reading. I learned everything I could and that helped
both of us survive some very scary times. (Knowledge is power ;-)

So when my son, who was always wired up a bit differently, started showing
his dyslexic symptoms bright and early I had that habit of reading, researching and
questioning to fall back on.

It was through my reading and research that I was able to reject his first diagnoses
of ADHD. I knew that doctor was wrong. Subsequent visits with subsequent doctors
validated my opinion.

So if you were to recommend a course of action in your term paper I would
suggest that, when parents are confronted with a potentially life changing
diagnoses for their child, they should dig in, read, reasearch and question.

And, above all, my number one goal for all IEPS - keep your child positive
about herself and school. I make it clear to my son, that in the end, he is going
to be just fine and have a bright future.

Anne

Hmmm…

1) Posessing unconditional love for your offspring. We have 4 and each presents their own unique challenges that can torment and vex us as parents. Only my youngest (autistic non-verbal) is LD, and in many, many ways he is the easiest one to contend with. Those teenagers are really giving us fits…

2) Having very think skin. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have overheard the quite snide remarks (and sometimes not so quiet) about my job as parents when my boy is not perfect. As if I have to tell that to the good people in this forum! You have to learn to ignore the stares, the rude comments, and the ignorant offers to “fix” your child from people who have effectively less than an 8th grade education (somehow it disturbs me to confrontational mode when it is the self-important “professionals” who are doing this, if you can imagine me smacking them back…)

3) Belief in yourself. Knowing that despite what any others may judge you to be, understanding that you are helping your child to the best of your ability is a big help. Researching on the net, and networking with other families has been a true Godsend for us and I am sure literally hundreds of thousands of other families. Do the research, keep track of what you try and the results, and make note of the progress made really, really helps.

4) Find something each day to thank God about. Just because our children are challenged, or different or even handicapped does not mean that they are less human, or less deserving of love, dignity and the right to bloom under their own set of conditions. My son, for all his shortcomings has taught me more about love and being truly human than any philosophy course I could have taken in college. He may be autistic, but he is no less miraculous in my eye than my oldest who is gifted.

5) A belief that the Creator has Purpose that we may never know. How many times have we been told the answer to imponderable questions is “God moves in mysterious ways”? While I do not necessarily subscribe to the notion that God gives “special” children only to those parents able to cope, I do feel that there is a greater reason behind many of the tests we are given in life. It is not my place to question this Higher Authority, only to attempt to do what is the right thing now that I have this child entrusted unto me. Some may find offense in this, as it is not a very secular view, and tho I freely admit I am a poor practicer of man’s rituals, I do believe that the Creator will help me if I stay the course.

6) The ability to laugh. Even when things seem bad, I try to find a little something to smile about. Believe me, it really helps.

7) A different set of priorities than most. We live in a material world, a fast-paced society where big fish eat little fish. Try not to become so wrapped up in the gain of wealth and assets that you forget what is really important, the general well-being of your family. When my boy began drawing on the walls, my family freaked out. I saw that he was developing his talent, and chose instead to make sure the markers and crayons were put up, favouring chalk which washed off and pencil which can be quite easily painted over. When he began playing with his food, I started buying him non-toxic modeling clay. He has really progressed in this (altho Michelangelo is in no danger of being usurped anytime soon). There is always the possibility that down the road we may be able to hang a few of his works in those over-prices shoppes and he can make a few dollars at the expense of the pompous art world.

8) Perseverance. Refusing to be swayed once you are on track. The schools, the medical profession, and the behavioral health profession are well peppered with bullies. Many know far less about my child (and yours) than I have learned. Do your research, keep careful notes of what works and what doesn’t, and when the push comes to fight, refuse to give ground when they want to drop programs that are working in favour of programs which are easier to run. Always bear in mind that Mom-from-Hell is a badge of honour, much like cops now say “pig” stands for “pride, integrity and guts” I haven’t figured out what Mom-from-Hell must really stand for like that, and even tho I am a “Dad”, I still take a certain satisfaction in knowing that I cause them at least as much consternation as they have caused me.

9) Never blame yourself or your child. Try to shed blame entorely, for that is the healthiest thing to do. It is hard, and there are many moments of doubt. But unless your baby was fetal-alcohol or a crack baby, it was not your fault. And no child ever asks to be born. We do the best we can, and their is no shame to that.

10) Finally, unconditional love. I know that I said that already, but to my mind, it is the single biggest factor.

Never give up on your child!

Wow! With all the posts above, like you really need more???! Can’t help but dive in!

Some of the acceptance issues have to be generational. Information about disablities (both ld and otherwise) is far more available to the current generations. The WWII folks and those out of the Great Depression (not what we sink into after an IEP battle) came from a completely different world almost. Survival was at stake; having the opportunity to look both inward and around came with peace and prosperity. Many dropped out of school early for all kinds of acceptable reasons.

Anyway, never really became aware of my own ld issues until addressing our son’s with independent experts.

Adjusting to his diagnosis? Seems like my wife “knew” something was going on and had an understanding prior to the “experts” identifying him for assessment.

My own issues would flare up when we would hit a snag doing homework or certain task instructions around the house. Wife/mom would always step in with the striped shirt and whistle, separate the combatants and send us to our corners (so to speak). I guess as the 3rd party watching, she could see it unfold and difuse matters.

Acceptance of disabilities to me is like acceptance of family problems, difficult relatives, personal problems etc…

1. It’s not what happens, it’s how you deal with it that becomes the biggest factor in the success/failure of the outcome.

2. Everyone’s got problems, and if you REALLY sat down and listened to someone else’s issues (either in person, or on any of the shows like Oprah, Sally JR, the infamous Jerry Springer…); you’d get on your knees and thank God for your own problems and not wish for someone else’s!

3. Acceptance of falibility, both in yourself and in family members. This extends to friends and other humans. We strive for “perfection”, but to whose definition. To fall short doesn’t mean failure, but many interpret it that way. One could slide onto the slippery slope of religion (not this bb), but I’ll teter on the edge and just propose that God has the only shot at perfection, the rest of us must simply do our best in our time here.

4. Sense of humor. Why take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive anyway. If you want to look for humor, there is much to laugh at with life’s challenges. Yes, there are many tears too, I know.

5. Looking for the blessings and then counting them when you do find them, and you will. Being disabled is not the end of the world, unless you choose to look at it that way. Countless stories on this bb and elsewhere will testify to the uncanny insight, sensitivity and opinions of ld children that really can knock your socks (no pun intended there Socks) off, when you least expect it. So, again, who is to say a disability is a curse, or something to dread or be angry at.

So, in my humble opinion, the adjustment you ask about is directly related to the parent’s own issues. Their level of tolerance, their ability to adjust to life’s challenges, their willingness to grow with change… I don’t think, in most circumstances there is a measuring rod to determine a parent’s love for thier child. The unconditional love Dad speaks of has no limit. I suppose it reminds me of modifying your question to how any parent would react or adjust to finding out thier child:

is gay, when they hoped for straight; a construction worker when they wanted a doctor; a concert pianist when they dreamed of an athlete; a teacher at an inner city school when they dreamed of a stock broker… you get the drift.

Did I even come close to answering your question??

Hope so.

Andy

My son has always marched to the tune of a different drummer. He also seemed to be so very bright in some areas and in other areas, he seemed to be far behind. I’ve always been a very hands-on parent and love to teach him things.

Also, I’ve worked with children over the years and suspected that something wasn’t quite right about the way my son learned. The GT/LD/CAPD diagnosis was no surprise and I agree with the diagnosis. The diagnosis was actually beneficial because then it gave me avenues to pursue to help my son. Accepting the diagnosis wasn’t an issue.

LJ

There wasn’t the cycle of denial and acceptance for me. It was obvious almost from birth that something was not quite right. Most people don’t understand the meaning of colic. Four o’clock in the afternoon still holding the baby in last nights nightgown with unbrushed hair, afraid to put the baby down because it could start another hours long crying jag. Trying to carry a two year old who isn’t walking along with his six month old sister. Begging day care not to kick him out because at 4 and a half he still was not toliet trained. Exasperated at a six year old that takes an half hour to put on one sock because he day dreams off to Na Na Land. It was no surprise that there were learning difficulties. It has made me very protective, angry and cynical at those in education. There is an arrogance that the parent has no clue as to what their children are about. There is an expectation that all students are the same and learn the same way. I also get angry at curriculumns that teach special eduction children as if they all have the same type of disabilities. I want everyone to see my childs strengths, see his potential, and to accept him for the wonderful kid he is.