Guilt......

I have been through the guilt trip as a parent, and an educational therapist who helps parents with their kids who have ADD. I am ADD and 3 of my kids are ADD-inattentive. I have heard exactly what your husband said…. from other parents of kids that I tutor. I have seen kids and adults who are like your son who are trying their hardest to pull it together but they can’t because of their inattention to details and procrastination. Have you tried medication for your son? Meds have been a real blessing for our kids as they have been able to focus and tune in to what their teachers are saying…How far behind is your son? Does he have an auditory processing issue as well? How is his vocabulary, what about his pragmatics…has he ever had any speech and langauge services…I know that CAPD and ADD do overlap and kids who have both issues have the hardest time learning to read, write and math.

I would also strongly recommend a private tutor this summer who can work on his attention and focus and help him with his ld’s. A voice of warning…I trusted the district to do their job from kindergarten through 4th grade and they let my child down.. I have been the one getting the training and education for the past 3 years so that I can make up for what they didn’t do. It has been hard but it has been worth it because our child is doing so much better because I took control of her remediation. As long as you keep on top of things and educate yourself into what your son needs you should be ok. I would observe the class that they want to place him in and see if things are “dumbed” down. Sometimes LD classes become a catch all for kids with many different problems and things are watered down which just widens the gap even more for your child. I have seen that happen when I have worked in a special day class.

I would recomend a video for your husband to watch by Daniel Amen. His wife and two of his kids are ADD. He is a psychiatrist who knows the ins and outs of ADD. He has some great videos one is called Windows into the ADD mind. I think the website is http://mindworkspress.com

Good luck and you do what you think is in the best interest of your son. He will make it as long as you advocate for him.

I have been where you are, my son finally seems caught up in the 6th grade, he is add inattentive as am I. My son is the older of 2, as my m-in-law says ‘he is the guinea pig’, we do the best we can with the info we have at the time. As far as being lazy, my son is not lazy, all his teachers reports state how hard he works in their classes since 2nd grade. Discipline, spanking, whatever, were not going to be able to teach my son to read. The only thing that helped was his medicine and gosh knows if I had been given any inkling in k-garten that he was going to have so much trouble, maybe I would have investigated it then.

As it was, he was dx in 1st grade.Also with a moderate capd. He didn’t start feeling successful until the 4th grade when he got a teacher who understood add and helped him as much as she could, then helped us get him into sped for 5th. It was a great year for him, even though at first he cried and said he hated me for making him go to the ‘retarded class’.

It has been hard to make him understand that he is bright he just learns differently from the way most teachers teach. This year has been a bit of a roller coaster in 6th, but mostly because of organisation issues. He is in all reg. classes with sped support and as far as grades, he has been on the b honor roll twice this year and received an award for most improved math student for 6th grade.

It is hard not to feel guilty because we are like all parents, we want our kids to be happy and healthy and feel good about themselves. Our kids have a hard time with the happy and feel good parts but as long as we are there for them and get them the help they need to succeed, they will become happier and more successful.

As far as dad goes I agree that if you can’t get him to read the info I am sure you have, then maybe the video is the right way to go. My husband has just assumed that I know what’s best because I read all the time so he backs me up if I need him to. He is adhd, had reading problems that weren’t addressed too completely in school.

He is also a major in the Army, with an A average in his masters classes. He works very hard at the schoolwork but I wanted you to know there are success stories. Our family so far seems to be one but when my son was a 3rd grader, I wasn’t as sure he would be doing this well.

It is hard not to get bogged down in the day to day struggle especially when your spouse doesn’t seem to understand. Just know there are lots of us parents out here riding on the same roller coaster and we are here for you when you need to vent or ask questions.Best wishes to you all.

It’s helpful that you have a relationship with your’s son team. It’s unclear from your post though what you’re questioning.

If you trust the team, you can go with their recommendation. If you want to go with your husband’s feelings, clearly you’d keep your son in his current placement. Your husband’s demanding job understandably, though, keeps him from seeing the whole picture.

Why not go visit if you can the other classroom your son would join? That might help you to feel most comfortable that the recommendation is the right one for him.

Don’t feel guilty! As a parent of a ADHD child and one myself this can be overcome with the right help. I myself have 2 Master’s Degrees and my son is off to college this summer.
The first thing we did was put Ross on the Fiengold Diet. This diet eliminates artificial ingredients. This worked very well. We also did behavior modification at home in order to improve his attention and in seat behaviors.
A wonderful organization to look up is C.H.A.D.D. their Webb site is
http://www.CHADD.org
Since you get along with your ESE team at your child’s school another good organization to join would be the local chapter of CEC. Their site at
http.//www.cec.sped.org should give the location of the nearest chapter in your location.
GOOD LUCK!

One of the best and simplest ways I found to help with my guilt was to talk with my children about the situation. I have two sons; the older with ADD, the younger with ADHD (emphasis on the H!) When my little one’s kindergarten teacher suggested that he be placed in transitional first grade (basically a step between kindergarten and first) I had a very difficult time dealing with it. Finally I approached my older child, who had difficulties beginning in third grade (he was in fifth at the time) and asked him if he had had the chance to get ahead when he was younger rather than struggle, what would he have chosen? Obviously the conversation wasn’t quite that simple, but in essence he thought it was a good idea to give his brother the extra time and help so that he wouldn’t have to struggle later on. I think a lot of times parents don’t always give their children (especially those with ADD) credit for being able to make decisions. You might be surprised what your child’s opinion on the matter may be. Often they are so miserable with the day to day struggle that any light at the end of the tunnel looks great! See what your child thinks before you make a final decision, after all, the children are the ones who have to live with our choices. And although many children may be afraid of a new environment, new teachers, and new people, sometimes it may just be a needed break both academically and emotionally. It should also probably be pointed out that if the opinions of the other children are a factor (ie-“Jimmy’s going to a school for dumb kids”, etc, etc) most children of that age tend to walk around in their own little worlds and all they will really know is that “Jimmy went to a different school this year”. I was very surprised that my son wasn’t upset that he wasn’t going to be in first grade, but would also like to point out that my older son, who struggled through the latter half of elementary school without any help other than my own, spent every quarter of his first year in middle school on the honor roll! Finally, although it’s easy to say, but hard to do - don’t feel guilty! You love your child and are doing the best you can for him. If you knew he had a problem and ignored it, then you could feel guilty! No matter what choice you make, he can succeed if you stay in his corner and don’t give up on him or let him give up on himself.

Hi Alison,
I teach 3rd, 4th and 5th grade LD and BD students. You should not feel guilty about your decisions for your son’s education. I am curious if you have talked with your pediatrician about medication for the ADD. If he has a particular area like Math or Reading that he does well in, you might want to consider having him resourced for the area that is his weakest. It just seems so drastic to have him change schools, and disconnect with the friends he has established over the years. Your school should have a resource program that would benefit your son. I have two students that are resourced for reading because of ADD/ADHD. One is performing exceptionally well, and is currently on Ritalin—will be in the regular classroom next year. The other student can not take medication, but he has made remarkable progress over the past year. These students are in regular 3rd grade classes, but come to my room for 2 period a day to work on Language Arts skills. I hope you check on a resouce class before changing schools, and I hope I have helped in some way.
Suzie

It sounds like you are doing everything possible for your son so you shouldn’t feel guilty. It would be beneficial for your husband to attend a meeting with your son’s teacher or doctor. A parents ability to have a good open line of communication with their child’s classroome teacher can go a long way to resolving any problems that may occur throughout the school year. It is vital for you and your husband to be on the same page in doing what is best for your son. It is not uncommon for a parent to think their child is lazy and just doesn’t want to do their work. No parent wants to believe their child might need extra attention or help in the classroom.
One thing to remember, ADD is not caused by poor parenting, family problems, poor teachers or schools. There are many channels to turn to for assistance and support. Have you gone to the Attention Deficit Disorder website, (www.add.org). This site is very informative and even has a link called “A Kids Guide to ADD”, which is an article written for kids ages 7-12 to help them understand what ADD is, how it is treated, and how they can help themselves. There is also a link pertaining to personal stories.
Keep in mind that ADD is not something to be ashamed of, with the support of you and your husband your son can accomplish anything he wants to in life.