Has Anyone had luck boosting their childs SELF ESTEEM???????

My 7 year old daughter is also very sensitive like this and very hard on herself. She also has anxiety issues so she’ll worry about every little thing. What I have found to help is to keep stressing her positive achievements. We encourage activities we know she’s good at or likes, like art. It’s very hard at times but it’s kind of a continual discussion about not hurting ourselves and talking about things. The worst is when I’ve watched her punch herself and tear out her hair because she hates herself. She hates that she loses controls more than anything. Treating her adhd and getting her the extra help she needs has really helped because the more she is in control of herself the better she feels. She can see her own academic success as well. Fortunately, we have had the opposite experience in that we have had very supportive teachers who have really been a critical factor in my daughter’s success and her self esteem.

Good luck. I know I haven’t told you anything you probably don’t know already but I understand how you are feeling.

Our daughter is almost 15 (Sunday!), and is very weak in academics so we’ve looked for other areas for her to feel good about herself. She’s been in ballet classes for years, and altho’ she not exceptional, she has advanced year by year and when she got her first pair of point shoes she was in heaven! She also plays violin in school orchestra, again, she’s not first chair (or even close) but she holds her own.

Boys in the 12-15 year age group seem to have it especially difficult, we saw that in middle school. They do improve once they get to high school, especially if they are in an activity like sports or band where they have a group to identify with. The martial arts is an great way to go, they advance level by level and have those belts to prove it. Keep your eyes on the future, and hang in there!

I have to say that somehow , despite his many challenges, my son seems to have healthy self esteem.

A few years ago I discussed this with a social worker who ran a social skills group he was in and she recommended that instead of saying “I’m so proud of you….” that we say ” you must be proud of yourself…” when he was able to do something new.

Last year he started attending an LD school & the head of the school gave an interesting talk. She said they had decided that their mission was not to just create a happy place for children that had basically failed at being in the mainstream. That instead happiness would come from mastery, and that although it would be a safe place, it would also be a school that taught them and challenged them to learn. So they would feel good about accomplishing things as opposed to just not learning . (this school tries to avoid accomodations where possible…)

So I think the over arching theme is that self esteem comes from within. You *can’t* give it to your child really. You have to keep giving him skills he needs so he can feel good about himself. I struggle to accept my DS for who he is and I think we’ve done a fairly good job of making him feel that we value his strengths even as we work together on his weaknesses.

Hope that makes sense!

KarenN, can we clone your school director, several hundred times?

Victoria

I’m so pleased you like her approach, b/c we’ve essentially put all our eggs in that basket.

I wish we could clone her and the school. There are several kids I know that would benefit from being there but there isn’t room for everybody.
Of course, if the public schools could teach our kids then schools like his wouldn’t be necessary.

KarenN — there is a saying in French that everything and everyone has the defects of their qualities. A good point to remember. When you disagree with some decision of the director and can’t get her to change her mind, remember that it’s her knowledge and force of character that make the place worth going to.

This is the advice given to me from a good friend and Kindergarten teacher: “You can only raise a child’s self-esteem through actual accomplishments.” So in other words, you can not “pump” a child up with false praise and the child has to see that he excels compared to his peers in a certain area.

I’m not sure what you do with a kid that excels but still has low self esteem regardless. I do think that kids like to excel in the areas that their peers find important. Your child can be a skilled musician but if the peer group doesn’t value this talent it doesn’t do much for the child’s self-esteem.

Terry

I Don’t really agree with that Kindergarten teachers point of view. I feel constant praise is indeed a way to boost a childs or an adults self esteem, but you must make sure it is truthful .If you wait for some children to excel more than their peers than you may be waiting a very long time, because there will always be someone smarter, faster etc…. I try to teach our children to compete with themselves, always do your best, beat your last record etc… And almost every day I tell them they can do and be whatever they want. It seems to work for the three that are not ADHD….now our adhd son beats to a different drum. I’m stuggling to find out works for him. I’ve just witnessed too many adults who have low self esteem because someone was always telling them they were no good etc..and eventually they believed them. I really believe if you praise a child enough and tell them how great they are, they will eventually believe that TOO!

I think it is important for kids (and adults) to compare themselves to where they used to be. But in the harsh real world a kid who has come a long way will still compare themselves (and others do too) to external references. My son still cannot spell well (about two years behind) and it doesn’t matter to him that he used to be even more behind….when he compares himself to others in his class. I don’t make that comparison. He does. I remind him how far he has come and that spelling lags reading…and so on..but I think it really falls on deaf ears.

So I guess the question is whether your ADHD son is getting external validation of the praise you give him. If he isn’t than I would say he needs to find something that he is good enough at that he gets a feeling of being competent and external validation of his skills. If he is getting external validation, then it is more in his interpretation of the world than its reality. There is a book called the Optimistic Child that you might find useful. It talks about the thought patterns and skills that lead to optimism and lays out evidence that these can be developed. I can’t remember the author but it is a wel known U of PA psychologist. He argies that self esteem comes from achievement rather than self esteem leading to achievement. Clearly, a bit of of a chicken and egg phenomena but he is very persuasive.

I think the focusing on one bad thing that you describe would fit into the framework he develops.

Beth

Beth

And I’d like one of those clones up here, please!!!

False ‘A’s or kudos from us moms do nothing for socially anxious perfectionists. It is hard to watch our kids in pain — not only is this self-critical, outward opinion watching stuff his natural ‘personality tendency’ but at 12, he is in that horribly self-conscious zone, and as you have learned, Mom’s opinion of how cool you are means NOTHING!

Have you ever read ‘How to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk)’ by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Farber (I think I have it all correct; sorry but book is at home!) This book has alot to teach us all about the ‘unintended message beneath the words’ and it might help you. I THINK they might have a book aimed at teens also — I’m just not there yet!

These books (there’s a series, on general parenting and dealing with kids, but all very focused on teaching us that self-esteem comes from within and how to help children learn that) are full of tips like Karen mentioned — ‘You must be proud’ vs ‘I’m so proud’ is an important distinction. Since his personality is the ‘self-negative’ type, and his difficulties have served to make him MORE self-critical, of course you want to work in any way possible to try and turn him around — you can’t ‘give’ him self-esteem, but I do think you can gently guide him to be more realistic in his view of himself. He is putting WAY too much emphasis on the importance of other’s opinions — this is typical at his age, but you can begin to help him learn otherwise.

If you do read the book, let me know what you think — I love this philosophy and I’m always trying to put it into play. Hmmm…now that my guy is 11, I think I’d better re-read it from the POV of a ‘pre-adolescent’ mom…best wishes to you!

Elizabeth I ‘m going to get that book ASAP. I’ve read other stuff by them , but my son has suddenly become a pre-teen and I need to rethink some of the parenting strategies we’ve been using

I also agree that praise is important but it *must* be honest. I made this my credo even before knowing my son was LD. I feel the only way to have any credibility at all, or any ability to influence their perceptions is to be totally honest. Then maybe he’ll trust my opinion when I offer another view on a tough social situation, or my assessment of his progress.

I’ve run into a lot of adolescents and young adults who have been given years of the praise-praise-praise self-esteem system. At a certain point it hits a brick wall, when the real world intervenes.

A lot of these folks develop a huge chip on their shoulders. They have been raised as maharajahs whose every word is law and who are surrounded by servants and enetertainers; suddenly all that is stripped away, they are working class, and they have to dirty their hands, face failure, and take criticism. The amount of resentment and anger is incredible.

How do you help a dethroned maharajah? It is understandable that he/she is resentful, but what can you possibly do to help? Teenagers in Grade 12 who have to take college entrance exams and after twelve years of automatic A’s and being perfect suddenly find themselves with a C or even an F; young adults in college who find that they are actually expected to sit down and do the assignments and follow directions whether they like them or agree with them or not, if they want to pass, and find out that indeed they can actually fail; young workers who find that they have to show up and follow orders every day and be polite to people, no matter how they feel, and they can’t refuse to do what they don’t like — they are shocked out of their skins and hurt to the core and you feel their pain, but is there any answer other than to shrug your shoulders and say welcome to the real world?

There’s a big distance between being mean and being honest and realistic. This doesn’t come automatically to me — traditionally Scottish culture is very scanty with praise — but I work hard on finding *something* positive, as in praising writing that is formed better this week than last, etc. Kids may not appear to hear praise about personal improvement but, as they say in those ads about talking about smoking, it does stick in the long run (wear them down like water dripping on a stone.)

‘dethroned maharajah’ — that is EXACTLY the opposite of what I want!

Although I have a struggler, I have a 6th grader that knows he must WORK — and is learning HOW to get a C, even in the areas impacted by his ‘learning difference (spelling, handwriting). I can’t think it could possibly have been better to modify those requirements in elementary, so that now he is in middle school he must suddenly learn that ‘all will be judged according to the provincial expectations’.

Because it’s true what I have told him — he may not be able to spell it all perfectly, but he can darn well do the best he can at what he CAN do: write the requirement in legible grammatical sentences, even if his spelling and printing are 3 years behind. Maybe the content is a B+, but since the spelling is an F, he will get a D from the not-so-motivating teachers and a C- from the nice ones. Had he grown to expect that modified B+ based on content…I’d have to push the King off his elephant!

Instead, he already knows you clean your share of elephant p00p, no matter WHO you are! But in my house, you get LOTS of praise when you can clean your share CHEERFULLY without complaining…

I really love the teachers who give one grade for content and one for spelling/grammar/writing so the student can really SEE what they are giving/missing! Seems to illustrate the TRUE purpose of marks…

Greetings,
I have 18 yr old the same way as your daughter, very self conscious of everything. We found a sport he suceeds in and loves….wrestling.
Have you listened to the tape…the 5 love languages of children?? A must in my book. When he is getting down we plug into that empty love language spot and fill him up again. Things are not perfect but much better. HE is liking himself….watch the friends he has…lift him up in some area…look for the little things he does well. you love when he gets up and does what you ask, his smile blesses you every morning, he is such a kind person, he would make a great tutor to some one at school etc etc. I too was stuck in the general encouragements…in my eyes he didn’t have many pluses..(neg attitude, mean etc) I had to REALLY see behind the hurting child. Another good book…the Angry Child wow!!!
Hope some of this helps…myson now really is a blessing!!! and IM so proud of him and his accomplisments.

Greetings,
I have 18 yr old the same way as your daughter, very self conscious of everything. We found a sport he suceeds in and loves….wrestling.
Have you listened to the tape…the 5 love languages of children?? A must in my book. When he is getting down we plug into that empty love language spot and fill him up again. Things are not perfect but much better. HE is liking himself….watch the friends he has…lift him up in some area…look for the little things he does well. you love when he gets up and does what you ask, his smile blesses you every morning, he is such a kind person, he would make a great tutor to some one at school etc etc. I too was stuck in the general encouragements…in my eyes he didn’t have many pluses..(neg attitude, mean etc) I had to REALLY see behind the hurting child. Another good book…the Angry Child wow!!!
Hope some of this helps…myson now really is a blessing!!! and IM so proud of him and his accomplisments.