Help!!! I'm ready to give up!

I can’t really offer much advice, because I’m going through the same thing, same age, same problems. But, if it helps, I feel your pain. There are lots of ppl on here who can help. You might try writing in his IEP to modify the amount of homework, but it won’t be that easy, if he has teachers like ours. But at least it’s there, and you have a leg to stand on.
I know what you mean about the missing school thing, my son takes quite a few mental health days, they usually come after a sleepless night and a stomach ache that next morning.
Good Luck to you and him!

This is a hard one. I hope one day our schools can be places where children are allowed to grow strong and to heal but sadly that day isn’t here yet. Too often school hurts more than it helps.

Does your son have an IEP? Can it be modified to allow for less homework?

This same thing happened to my own son once and would have happened more often but, at an early age, I took much of his homework and began to do it myself. I found myself screaming at him one night over homework and realized I never wanted to do that again. He was doing the best he could and his homework was never assigned with his learning differences in mind. The work he was given was simply wrong for his learning style.

If I had it all to do over again, I’d homeschool. Not realizing that at the time and thinking I didn’t have much choice about schools, I did the homework that his learning differences wouldn’t allow him to do. Then I took him over the work I had done so he would understand it. It was time consuming for me but parenting has its challenges and parenting an LD child has extra challenges. It also enlightened me as to how ridiculous many homework assignments truly are.

I never allowed school again to interefere in my relationship with my son. Homework battles are the wrong battles to fight. When a caring hardworking student like your son gives up it means too much has been asked.

Good luck to you and your son.

Ahhh, the wonderful time where hormones come in and complicate an already complex environment. Hmmmmmmmm. More than likely, your maternal instincts are right on the money. Don’t just keep him home, notify the school, in writing, that your son is having severe problems with keeping up and it is affecting his overall performance (or something like that). As others have asked, does he have an IEP? I will assume he does. Request an emergency meeting. Discuss adding Counseling to the IEP, and some kind of modified schoolwork to do on the days he has been off. You will need to find and encourage him in areas where he excels and the ld is not a factor. It doesn’t matter what his interests are, be it sports, art, music, etc… feed his need to succeed. During the days off, don’t let him veg out with videos and tv, try going somewhere somewhat educational, but interesting to spark his interests in growth of brain cells. There is no doubt this is a difficult time, I am not poking fun at you, please understand. Sometime between now and 25 the hormones are supposed to settle down???? Explain at the IEP that the homework becomes a battle ground and is destroying your family life, ask for assistance in modifying the schoolwork that comes home. Don’t just eliminate it, or that will not solve the problem. Headaches aren’t caused due to lack of aspirin, it is possible that he is in a program or placement that is not productive to his style of learning. Request exploration of other possibilities. Perseverence does win in the end, and he needs to learn this lesson too; unfortunately (or fortunately) you are there to prove this to him! Most importantly, you aren’t alone, many of us have either been thru it, are going thru it, or have your experience to look forward to!???

Hang in there.

Andy

My son left school yesterday, didn’t go today and has more doctors appointments tomarrow. Like your child he has so meny problems that school sometimes is just to much. I don’t like to force him to go, cuz he had a nearous breakdown in 3rd grade over just being to much and all , i take it day to day. The school informed me that if he doesn’t attend school they’ll have me arrested, so most of the time i take him to a doctor for a note. As long as you have doctors statements for absences I don’t think there’s much they can do. When he feels like this and i send him to school he’ll either cry at school, or make his self physically ill in order to get to come home.I wish i had an answear for you cuz, this is a stuff spot to be in, I know they have to go to school, and on the other hand I can’t seem to bring myself to put a scwalling 5th grade boy on a bus with his peers to witness this, just to tease him about it later on.I have noticed over the past couple years, that theres a patteren in what months are worse for him, spring always is his tuff spot. I really think he might have s.a.d. and just hasn’t been diagnosed with it at present time. Dern by the time were done he’ll have more diagnoses then carters got liver pills! lol
i think it’s up to you the mother you no your child best, i kept sending mine in 3rd grade till he couldn’t take it anymore and ended up in a mental hopsitial. I will always feel guility over this fact, cuz i should have known and handled it better for him. I sometimes wonder if……..a education is worth what he goes through. Its so hard as a mother to know your child is struggling and theres no super size bandaide for this that i have found. But, i keep trying to find answears. My advice to use is follow your gut feeling about your child and just how far to push them into going, pushing to much could send them over the edge. I’m not trying to scare you, I wish someones would have gaven me this advice 3 years ago, could have saved me alot of guilt and him some grueling scares about mental hospitials. Just no this your not alone in this, i’m right along side you just as i’m sure theres more like us, and maybe together we can find a solution.

sarah, god bless your heart! I thought i was the only parents that does alot of my son’s home work! I’ve been doing it since the first grade. I have taught myself to write left handed so that it looks like his dysgraphia style writing! Like you i feel like it’s such a waste of a good mother child relationship yelling and screaming for hours on end to finish things he doesn’t understand! you no as the years go on i’m having a hard time doing his work myself! lol

Don’t let this have its own inertia — let your son know that you take his needs seriously, that if school is this overwhelming then some changes just have to be made. Make this “vacation” an educational one. I’d look to next year’s courses or an area of personal interest and see if you can get him “ahead” and becoming an expert on a topic, whether it’s chair repair or butterfly migrations.

I very much sympathize with you. I don’t think the school my daughter attends is aware the effect they or the environment at school has on her. Most of her hospitalizations have been caused by factors at school, and when repeated and unrelenting stress of that magnitude bears down on a child, especially one with Bipolar Disorder, it can even send her medication levels off.

My answer to this is to now request/demand intermittent homebound tutoring services (see posting regarding this from several days ago). Her education is being harmed by the frequent lapses, and after missing several days of school, knowing the harassment she’ll get from the other kids and the ton of make-up work, has her even further resisting returning to school.

Children/adolescents with mental illness simply miss a lot of school. Their mental state affects their overall health, and my kiddo can get what’s called somatic complaints meaning upset stomach, headaches, low grade fevers, etc. if something is overwhelming her. For this reason, I’m also pushing for mental illness awareness enrichment classes both for faculty and student body, but I’m not waiting for them to do so…I’m sending for whatever information I can to hand out, present, push, shove, cram…get the picture? They just don’t understand, and what they don’t understand, they can’t accept. So, if possible, I’m attempting to educate the educators.

Bonita

I have a friend whose son has Aspergers Syndrome.
One day he told the counselor that he wants to be dead.

Boy, did that wake up the school!

Not that I’m suggesting that you have your son say
this – but – if he ever has uttered those words
inform the school immediately.
For a child to be so pressured as to say those
words - it is stunning that in their pursuit to
mash our square peg children into round holes
they end up with children who think death is
a better alternative to school.

At times I have written across homework, in red ink,
please excuse ‘T’ from this homework. I was never
refused.

When my daughter (504 for chronic headaches and
asthma) I would ask teachers to just excuse her work
some of the times she was gone. Sometimes she was
coming off very strong meds. and, though she could
go back to school, she could not do a full schedule and
all of last week’s work at the same time.

Moral of this story is that you may have more power
than you think.
I agree with the other posters, call an emergency IEP
and work it out.
Home should be a safe harbor for our children.
After working SO hard all day long, they need a place
to leave school BEHIND!

good luck!
Anne

Thank you, thank you, thank you! It is invaluable to realize how many parents and students are facing the same frustrations - I do my homework for my son, too, sometimes - now I will do it without guilt!

Since I posted that last night late, I have had a major blow-up with my son, complete with throwing things (me). It’s amazing the level of anger and frustration this whole deal creates in both of us. Anyway, I have committed to not letting that happen again and to not letting homework destroy my relationship with my son. My husband came up with some good ideas to ease up his history load - thank God I have an understanding husband - and I’m going to try to meet with his sped, speech and history teachers on Thurs.

It seems I just get a handle on part of this struggle, and something new pops up - never a dull moment. I will not wallow in self-pity, though, you all have motivated me to action. I’ll let you know how it goes. Thanks again

Thankfully we have come out on the other side regarding homework. It goes smoothly, although our son still needs a lot of support and encouragement. My suggestions are to pick a homework hour that is good for all of you. Some children work well right after school, but our tired kids need a long break. Pick a spot where you can work together - kitchen table etc. I still sit with my son while he works. I try to have my own project, so I’m not hovering. I get up and come back depending on how he is doing. Set resonable amounts…”Let’s do the first five and see how it goes.” “You dictate the first one and I’ll write. Now the next one is your turn.” If you are writing have your child watch. Talk about your strategies and steps so he learns how you think. You are modeling how to go about the task. When enough is enough write that on the page. “spent 20 minutes signed MOM. Then when that hour is up homework is done and you are a free man - watch tv, play etc. Hope this helps.

My son was not LD, just undiagnosed ADD inattentive but he went into serious depression in high school. If I could have turned the clock back, I would have never left him in that school which he hated. I am blessed beyond measure that he is alive today.

I urge all of you to take the mental health issues seriously. If the child is miserable much of the time, rather than going to get medication, I’d change the circumstances. Pull the child out and homeschool if necessary. Public school is just not the best place for all children.

Janis

Hi Laura,

Everything everyone has said here, including you, is reminding me so much of my son at this age it brings tears to my eyes. He used to beg me every day on the way to school not to make him go. We spent three hours minimum on homework (until I got smart and started cutting his assignments in half for the teachers!). When he was in fifth grade, my sweet, quiet, gentle, artistic little boy started having “intrusive thoughts” that would not go away, negative messages that would just pound and pound at him until he would cry and shake… at 12 he had a “psychotic break”… do you think this had anything to do with being LD? Of course it did! He also didn’t learn to read until 5th grade, following three years of intensive private tutoring and outside help, but the damage to his self-esteem was already done.

Did this have a connection to his becoming violent in seventh grade? Did it have a connection to his running away for a week in eighth grade? When we finally found him, he told me he had planned to camp out in the hills until he was old enough that he didn’t have to go to school anymore! By the time he was in 9th grade, he was classified SED instead of SLD, which he had been since first grade… If I hadn’t known what I know because of my special ed. training, I don’t know where he would have ended up, because I went to the next IEP and told them to write it for NPS placement. They said, “We don’t know of a school for your son.” I said, “Let me take care of that, you just write the IEP the way I say!” They did it, and a very good NPS turned my son around. If it hadn’t been for that and some good counseling, my son would either be in jail, in a mental institution or dead today, I’m convinced of that….

I don’t want to scare you, but the statistics on what happens to LD kids after high school are enough to scare anyone, and look how hard it is to even get them through school! I do think, though, that the thing that makes the difference, in most cases, is a parent who sticks up for and becomes an advocate for their kid… even then, their chances aren’t great, but better than they would be if they fended for themselves, so don’t give up! I wish I knew all the answers, I don’t, but I just thought it might help if you heard from someone who’s been through it and come out the other side…

Sharon
www.angelfire.com/on2/thepuzzle

Actually, my son is in a private school, which he likes pretty well - he’s just overwhelmed by the history and science. It’s extremely high-level - I would guage his history text (ABEKA) at high school level - and the quantity of material that is covered in a short period of time is just too much for him to absorb. Given enough time, and reasonable amounts of material, he does ok. I’m thinking of asking if I can pull him from history and do that work at home, covering the same material, with tests I make up or cut and past from book tests. In addition, the teacher is fresh out of college and has had NO experience or classes on sped!! She is trying, though, and is pretty open, she just doesn’t have the experience.

I have homeschooled my son before with disastrous results - my son does not really cooperate with me well about working - which is part of the homework problem. I would consider doing it again, but it would be very difficult and would require a lot of expensive tutoring.

Teachers fresh out of college *often* teach just like the classes they just left — no matte r what grade they’re teaching!!!

It does sound like homeschooling could be a little volatile — unless he is very motivated to do it too — but figuring something out for the history could be a good idea. I have to wonder if the school will resist, thinking that kids are supposed to rise to these challenges even when they are tough — that’s part of the whole “coming of age” thing of learning to be an independent learner (the fact that that’s not what’s happening may or may not make a difference to them…)

I’m happy to report that I went to talk to the school today and the principal agreed to my son’s doing history as an independent study with his dad, and going to the resource room during that class for study hall. I know what you mean about the “independent learner” crap educators tend to give you - almost no matter how old they are, like 3rd grade was when I heard it, but I was relieved when the principal agreed that if that’s what my son needs, that’s fine. He’ll stay in science - same teacher, but material more straightforward - but will always take tests in resource room and if sped teacher determines he’s not ready for the test, then he’ll get an extension. He’s in a private Christian school, so the atmosphere is much more cooperative than the public school - though it doesn’t need to be different!

Now - all I have to do is get him to school tomorrow. I’m hoping Gym class will be sufficient! Just kidding - but not totally. Thanks for all your encouragement. I hope this works.

Laura,

That is fabulous news! How wonderful that the school is partnering with you, the parents, to educate your son! That is the way it should be! That gives me hope should I ever need to pull my daughter out of the charter school due to the state tests. At least the private schools do not have to take the state tests! That’s fantastic that your Christian school has a resource teacher! Many do not.

I want to give you a good resource for history. Lindamood Bell has just published the first volume of a visual history book! I do not yet see it on the web-site, but it was in their catalog. You can call them for information or to order. I don’t think it is very expensive.

Janis

Laura,

My child was in a Christian school for kindergarten for K and used A Beka. I think it is a very good curriculum, but was not hands-on enough for her. I agree that it is definitely advanced. I am so happy in your post below that you said they will let you “independent study” the history! Wish your school was here!

Janis