My 6 year old daughter is the oldest of 3 girls and is in the process of being evaluated for ADD. Her behavior at school is good but at home she bullies the middle child. What is happening is we are reacting to her behavior and doling out consequences that do not deter her at all. When she is tired which is pretty frequent, she just falls apart ranging from tantrums to hitting other children. I can make her go to her room but I can’t make her sleep. What are some strategies to prevent her from exploding and to change the patterns that are becoming habits?
Re: how to change habits?
Your daughter is still very young, but raging and hitting and not sleeping all suggest something more that just ADHD. Please ask your doctor to consider whether these may be early signs of bipolar illness. I wish I had done that early on. It would have saved my family a lot of grief. If your daughter is bipolar, she should not take stimulant medication because it will just make her get worse.
My favorite book...
On this subject is “The Explosive Child” by Dr. Ross Greene. His approach is based on the ideas Sara suggested to you— instead of consequences that aren’t working, we can teach these kinds of kids how to be more flexible and deal with their frustrations. I highly recommend this book! P.S. Typically, kids need to exhibit ADHD behaviors in two situations i.e. home and school, to be diagnosed ADHD.
Re: My favorite book...
Rover, I’m just listening to his audiotapes right now! So far, I like what he has to say.
I’d make certain with this child in particular that her “creature comforts” are carefully attended to. Don’t let her get hungry, make sure she has a time for going to bed, and have some winding down, cuddly activities before bed. With this kind of child, it’s esp. important to see to it that you eliminate the kinds of situations that get her going. Being sure that her basic needs don’t get overlooked is one of the easiest things you can do. Another child can “roll with the punches”; she’s not going to.
Re: how to change habits?
For kids with ADD, rewards and consequences work well for changing behaviors. It is onging thing at our house. We set very specific guidelines on what is/ is not appropriate and what will happen, the consequence, if the behavior occurs. Then, we give her opportunities to earn rewards for good behavior, to encourage the type of behavior we want her to have. If she has been particularly mean to her sister, she gets the consequence, but has the opportunity to do something kind to/for her sister, and receives a reward for that, an incentive to do it again. For our daughter, who is almost 9, money and play dates are rewards and consequences because that is what seems to work the best. There are so many critical statements they receive during the day, to catch them doing something appropriate or correct regarding behavior is very important, so we make a huge effort to encourage her and reward her for good attitude and behavior. We are not as consistent as we should be, but it has helped her behavior.
Great Book...
I especially liked the “Three Baskets” idea about management and drwing lines in the sand. It crystalized a lot of what I instinctively felt was the right thing. A memorable addition to the professional/home library…
Robin
Re: how to change habits?
I am still dealing with the same thing with my daughter she would explode over an issue or seemingly nonissue for us and we couldnt get her to calm down go to time out and started hitting us.She is better -has hit kids in daycare and teacher because another child spit on her and teacher tried to pull her away from the other child.My child has difficulty expressing herself.”The explosive child” is a good book which explains it is hard to control them when their exploding and to try to negotiate before hand on issues.I read one book that said to talk outloud about calming yourself so child can model it.Of course when I explained I was blowing out birthday candles on a cake my daughter screamed its not your birthday ,but I saw myself becoming unglued and it does help me anyway to get myself back into control.We are putting or should I say pushing her into her room for time out when she does hit last time it took 6 consecutive time outs which are 5 minutes each and she threw timer one time ,last time I said time out is over and stood very far away so she had time to think before she hit me as she had the other 6 times.We go to a councler who does play therapy which helps for a kid who’s expressive language is poor.He will be dealing with her frustration and helping us with a positive behavior management.She gets a sticker when she performs 4 out of 6 and if she gets 4 days of sticker she get to reach into a box for a surprise such as being able to rent a video. We are still working on our problem hoped I helped some.
She’s young so it may take a while. Ideally you’d like to intervene in those moments and help her to understand that she needs to develop a strategy to deal with frustration and being tired. She’s just reacting and taking it out on others. She can count to ten or she can stomp out of the room when she feels like hitting someone but… she can’t hit.
Why does she get so tired? Maybe an adjustment of her bedtime or some built in rest time during the day would help. The pattern of when she reacts like this can be shared with her to help her be more alert to her feelings and when she’s more likely to explode.