My 18-year-old daughter was diagnosed one year ago with ADHD – the inattentive type. We are told that she is very bright and that is why she was not diagnosed earlier. Obviously, I think I have failed her because I was clueless. She has always been very impulsive, impatient, immature, forgetful, sloppy, etc., all of the symptoms I now know to be ADHD. (I keep thinking how could I have been so stupid?) However, she always managed to do fairly well at school in spite of doing things last minute and had a close group of friends. Typically, I would say, “if only you put more effort into it you could do really well”.
In grade 11, as the work got more intensive and her friends branched out, she crashed.
I won’t go into all of the details but she got to the point where she could not go into her school or even be with people. She had developed severe anxiety, social anxiety, school phobia and depression. We went to a therapist, a psychiatrist and a psychologist and settled on a Biofeedback form of therapy. We didn’t want our daughter to be relying on medication to cope with life’s problems. Big mistake. Several thousand dollars later we realized it wasn’t working and she was terribly unhappy and resentful.
We switched doctors and it was then that she was diagnosed with ADHD. We finally agreed to medication and the doctor prescribed an antidepressant and Concerta. When the antidepressants kicked in my daughter said to me “now I know what it feels like to be normal”. The Concerta however just gave her a “buzz” so she didn’t use it because it didn’t help her to concentrate. She started Strattera about three weeks ago and we are hoping it will help her to focus. She is attending a different school now and has applied to University next fall. Nothing has changed yet regarding her ADHD. She is way behind in her Independent Study Units and many other projects and assignment that are due. She is ever the optimist saying, “don’t worry” but I think now she is worried. She will not, however, agree to a coach or let me help her get organized. I guess she has to be mature enough to realize that she needs to learn the tools and tricks to cope with ADHD. Consequently, I am hounding her all of the time and it does nothing for our relationship.
She is a year behind her old friends and really feels left out. If she doesn’t finish these assignments in time she will most likely not be able to attend university for another year.
Part of me thinks maybe that is best since she is an immature 18 year old but the other part is hoping for a magic cure if the Strattera does its job and come next September she’ll be ready. I keep pushing her because I don’t want her to regret not trying hard enough but I know she is having such difficulty focusing.
Because she was diagnosed so late she has not been “identified” by the school board but they have allowed some accommodations such as writing exams in a room by herself and extensions on assignments. What she needs most is someone checking to make sure she is progressing with her work. She just gets mad at me and says I’m too involved.
This is all so new to me. The diagnosis has made a number of things clear to me now but I feel such guilt for my stupidity and for the things I have said over the years to motivate her. There is not a lot of information on what do when your teenager is diagnosed and how to help them – specifically when they are oppositional. I really needed to get this out and I would love to hear suggestions and anecdotes that would help us. Am I pushing too hard?
Thanks for this forum.
Re: In need of suggestions for 18-year-old
My sister wasn’t dx’d ADHD until she was in college and struggling on her own. She found an educational therapist who really helped her get perspective and worked with her psychiatrist to make sure her meds were helping her appropriately. While she loved college, she didn’t get the Master’s she was aiming for due to financial reasons but she did find a successful occupation which she loves, is very flexible and fits her ADHD.
It might take her some time to come to terms with having ADHD and she may have to figure out how she wants to deal with it. Instead of pushing all the time, let her take some of the responsibility for getting her work done and come to you if she wants help.
My son also has ADD Inattentive type. He struggled in school but couldn’t take meds. He found supplements that helped him and created routines for himself that kept him organized. (It only took 5 different systems to finally find one that worked well. lol) He is now in community college and loving it. I think it really helps when you get to pick and choose your classes and how many you take so you don’t feel overwhelmed by the amount of work. He takes 2 academic classes and a PE class each quarter. Yes, this may take him a while to get through but it is creating a positive experience as he adjusts to college life and being an adult.
http://www.addwarehouse.com has a ton of books on ADHD and also great articles, organizational info, and tips/tricks. There are several books on teens with ADHD that could be helpful to you and your dd. One book that I really enjoyed was Learning Outside The Lines : Two Ivy League Students With Learning Disabilities And Adhd Give You The Tools For Academic Success and Educational Revolution by Jonathan Mooney and David Cole.
Re: In need of suggestions for 18-year-old
Thanks to both of you for your suggestions. I’m all for a coach, educational therapist or tutor but my daughter refuses to have one at this point. I have signed up for the newsletters at www.addwarehouse.com and in fact have been reading “Learning Outside the Lines”. As you said, I’m not sure what more I can do until she is ready to take some responsibility. I just don’t want to have to pick up all the pieces when she realizes she’s procrastinated too long and will fail her courses. Then again, maybe she’ll pull another rabbit out of the hat!
Self-determination and teenagers
You have to get her on board with whatever you want her to do. It really is her problem at this age, and she will have to experience the consequences. You can offer, but if she’s not interested, there is nothing you can do to help her out. I might talk to her about moving into a more adult role, where she is the one who has to figure out what to do. I have a similar situation with my 17-year-old son who is having sleep problems, but whatever we suggest either he won’t try or he quickly decided “doesn’t work”. Nothing I could do could influence him, and in fact, if I suggested something, it seemed to remove any possibilty of him really trying it out. So I stopped. I waited until HE requested (actually insisted) on seeing someone for a medical evaluation, and he did all the talking and is responsible for follow up care. I am not reminding him or asking him about his sleep at all. It’s completely his problem, unless he asks me for help. I am afraid that’s how teenagers are, ADD or not. She has to figure it out herself. Make yourself available, but give her ultimate control over what happens. And if she complains, the response is, “What do YOU want to do about it, and how can I help you do that?”
Re: In need of suggestions for 18-year-old
Yea, what he said :-)
She has had so many bad experiences that she’s got a whole arsenal of defenses and fears that *nothing* is going to help her.
You can offer to remind her of things - I’ve learned to do that myself. If I’ve asked you to remind me, then when it happens my emotional reaction is more likely to be “This is my friend reminding me… and I’m going to get started…” instead of “here we go AGAIN.”
The other critical element of procrastination is taming the overwhelming elephant and figuring out little steps to “get into ” the task. Fortunately, sometiems once a person gets some momentum going on the task, the infamous ADD “hyperfocus” kicks in - the stuff she may have had to count on when doing things at the last minute.
And… whether it has anything to do with ADHD or not… I realized well into my teaching career that the primary reason I was so much more focused and productive between 10 p.m. and 2 (or 7) a.m. was not so much that it was last minute, or that everybody else was in bed and there were fewer distractions (though those factors contributed), but that I would inevitably down a few stiff glasses of tea and get to work. WHen I realized you could drink tea in the morning too, I could produce then (which came in **really** handy when I had a free lance writing job with very ambiguous deadlines - I was amazed that the procrastination devil went into hiding).
And finally, it’s true that at a certain age, a third party can say *exactly* teh same things that would come out of your mouth and be listened to… because s/he’s NOT MOM. It seems to be true across different kinds of mom-child relationships.
Re: In need of suggestions for 18-year-old
“What do YOU want to do about it, and how can I help you do that?”
What a fabulous response. I can’t wait to use it. Steve and Sue, you have provided some valuable insights and and you are quite right when you suggest some of it is just a teenager being a teenager.
Thank you for pointing me in the direction of www.resourceroom.net. I found some really helpful information in the article for teachers and coaches on organization skills. I appreciate your responses and am so happy to be learning more about ADHD from people who have experience with it.
Re: In need of suggestions for 18-year-old
The International Dyslexia Association’s _Perspecitives_ quarterly bulletin has articles like that most times it comes out - it’s worth joining just for that :-) ( http://www.interdys.org ) That article was a real “wow!” for me, too… everything broken down and spelled out …
I work as a private tutor. If you can find the right kind of tutor or educational therapist, they will be on the student’s side, friend and mentor and support system. It is worth looking for someone like this.