New to ADHD

As a parent of two boys who sound JUST like yours, I can tell you that there are ways to help. You are right that “keeping your cool” is vitally important, but it is hard to do unless you have some idea of how to approach the situation differently.

I have some expertise professionally in behavior management, but I found that standard behavior management techniques don’t work as well on “ADHD” kids. The main reason I have determined is that these kids are SEEKING STIMULATION. (That’s why I think stimulants seem helpful - they provide artificial stimulation so that the child doesn’t seek it externally as much.) Once you think of them this way, their behavior makes a lot more sense. For instance, they may have to suffer a punishment, like timeout or a loss of privileges, but if enough stimulation (arguments, yelling, physical contact, etc.) occurs in the process, it seems worth it to put up with the punishment. Or the idea of the punishment is overwhelmed by the reward of immediate stimulation.

So here’s what I learned: whatever technique you use has to provide LOTS of stimulation (excitement, pats on the back, pretend “anger”, or whatever) for doing what is requested, and very LITTLE stimulation (ignoring, timeout without verbal comment, unemotional responses) when misbehaving. The misbehavior is actually intended to get you upset, so that they get the good feelings that go along with controlling you and making you mad. My youngest will even admit this. He gets a little mischevious smile on his face when he “gets” to me or his mother. I have gotten to the point where I can mention this to him and let him know that it’s not OK to get someone else mad just for amusement. He usually laughs, but he gets the point. The big thing is not to get sucked into the game.

One way I have avoided this is to use what are called “paradoxical” interventions. These work very well with oppositional kids like mine (and probably yours, too!) One of the best is betting. You bet your child that they are unable to do something that you know they can do, but will generally avoid just to get you mad. Bet them a quarter or some small item, or even time spent with them if they win. Set a time limit and let them go at it. Then, when they “win”, you have to act VERY upset at them: “Dang it, you DID it! Now I have to pay you a QUARTER! I was only kidding - do I really have to pay you?” Make as big a deal as you can about being forced to cough up the money. These kids LOVE this kind of a game. Even when they figure out what you are doing, they still love it, because they enjoy the stimulation of getting you “upset” and lauging about it. It makes it FUN to comply!

Another one is “predicting”. Get someone else with you and predict that your son will do something that you don’t want him to do, or that he won’t do something that you want him to do. “I am sure that Joey will leave the table without cleaning his dishes. He is SOOO predictable. I can ALWAYS tell what he will do ahead of time!” Your partner in this little skit replies, “Really? Are you so sure of that? He’s THAT predictable?” You reply: “Yup. I can always tell what he will do. You wait and see.” You and your partner could even do a side bet, which again you make a big deal about having to pay up on when he does what is asked.

Another thing I discovered is that if my kids get to interrupt me from doing what I want and can “make” me do something for them, it really seems to be enjoyable. My son used to take a long time in the bathroom doing his teeth (which immediately preceeded his reading time), and I nagged him about it, which of course, made it worse (free stimulation for not complying! Bad idea!) So I decided to get my own book, and made a big production of saying, “Go ahead, Kevin - take as long as you want in the bathroom, because I will be reading my book, and I would like to have as much time as possible to read.” Within two minutes, he was back in the room, big grin on his face. I thumped my book down on the covers, and said, “Are you back ALREADY? I was just getting to the best part! Can I just read a few more pages?” To which he gleefully replied, “NO! You have to read to ME!” This worked for years, long after he knew what I was up to, because he thought it was funny to “force” me to do what he wanted, even though he knew I was only pretending to be upset.

This kind of creative thinking can give you a whole new outlook on behavior management. Remember to make your rewards LOUD and EXCITED and FUN, whereas the consequences need to be dull as dishwater, delivered with the minimum of fuss and attention.

A timer really helps with keeping calm while giving consequences. I will set a timer and let them know that they have until the timer goes off to comply with the consequence or it will double. Then I make myself scarce by going to another room or out on the porch. If they come after me, I calmly look at my watch, and say, “Timer’s running!” Minimizing discussion or pleading or nagging is essential, and the timer is a great way to do this.

Another thing I noticed is that sometimes, these kids get hooked into thinking that they are already in trouble, so why not go for broke? I learned to circumvent this by allowing them to earn back part of their consequence by working it off. For instance, if a child lost TV for a day, I would let them cut it down to half a day if they did certain cleaning tasks which I determined. After a while, they started to anticipate this and OFFER to do some jobs to earn back their consequences. This way, it seems like they are earning a reward and it makes the shorter or lesser consequence easier to bear, because they managed to retain some dignity and control.

The other important thing we did was to have our kids design their own consequences for chronic problem behaviors. At first, they didn’t want to, but I made it clear that if they didn’t come up with something, I would, and they probably wouldn’t like it as much. We wrote down agreements on what behavior they are working on and what the consequences are for violating the agreement, and everyone signed it. Important also is that the rules applied to everyone - if they had to pay a quarter for swearing, then I also had to pay a quarter if I swore. I made sure to violate a few agreements now and then just so they could have the pleasure of disciplining me (plus I did “lose it” now and then and had to accept some real discipline from my kids!) This reinforced the idea that this is not a plan to victimize them, but a general agreement of how to get along, and it gave them power over me to balance constraining their freedom. These agreements eventually evolved into an entire notebook of “family policies”, many of which are in place to this day.

There are plenty of other ideas I have for specific situations, but that’s the general approach we took. We managed to raise both of them without resort to medication, and the oldest graduated from a regular high school with honors (though we homeschooled or used alternative schools in the elementary years, a vitally important decision for us). The youngest is 10 and attending a charter school we helped to create, and no one would identify him as ADHD now, even though he was a nightmare when he was three. It’s a lot of work to use these methods, and you have to be constantly creative and coming up with new and improved plans, but it is worth it in the end. Hang in there!

Steve,

Thanks for posting this. We’ve been struggling with our youngest who is exactly as you describe your children. I’ve read your posts before and even printed them out but something about this post has his name all over it.

One question. What do you do when ds won’t do what he is supposed to do for punishment? For example, my ds (age 8) stood on the stove and held our small dog over a burner on the stove which had a pot of water on it water to boil on it. He clearly was just trying to get a reaction and the dog was in no danger. I took the dog from him calmly and put the dog in his cage. I told my son to sit on the couch in the family room and not play with the dog. Next thing I know my son has climbed in the cage with the dog. I then told him to go up to his room until dinner without the dog. He tried to take the dog with him but I took the dog from his arms (poor dog). He did walk then to the steps and then whined about walking up the stairs. He laid down and played dead. I told him to go upstais again but by now I am yelling at him.

So what should have I done instead. I got upset. My husband got upset. And the child enjoyed it all.

In the end, he went to bed after dinner without a story.

Beth

There was a time when we had to lock Patrick in his room to get him to take timeouts. He would kick and scream as we took him upstairs and would throw objects at his door. Amazingly, after two or three minutes, he would be singing in there! I don’t know if I would ever have felt OK about it if my friend hadn’t pointed out that last part. He was about 5 when we did this. I’m not saying I recommend this but that’s how bad it got for us.

You have to find out what really is important to them. Reading at bedtime was a big one for us, but computer or television time worked well, too. It has to be something you have complete control over so there can be no power struggle. And it has to be something they are not willing to give up on. You simply withhold whatever thing it is they want unless they are willing to comply with consequences. I would say teaching them to accept consequences is the most important aspect of getting a behavior plan to work. It’s a very big deal.

One of the things I recommend doing is to list off everything you do for your child for free. If you go through this list, you will probably find any number of things that you don’t HAVE to do for free, that can be contingent on your child being decent and complying with your requests.

I also invented an approach I called “energy points.” It worked like this: everyone started the day with zero energy points. When they did things that helped me gain energy or feel more energetic, they got a “plus one”. When they did something that made me lose or waste energy, they got a “minus one”. Whenever they got below zero, I would do NOTHING for them at all - no reading, no cooking, no transportation to friends’ houses, no games, no use of anything I owned - until they got back above zero again. I would not even pour a glass of milk or get a box from a high shelf for them. Of course, arguing about whether you got a “minus one” got another minus point automatically. They had to come to me and ask how to earn back into the positives.

Patrick HATED this plan! Mostly because it gave me complete control and there was no way to argue or negotiate around the consequence. After all, how can he tell me whether something makes me feel more or less energetic? It also forced him to start learning some increased level of empathy, because he had to figure out what to do that would help me feel OK about helping him again. Usually, he ended up either doing some kind of cleaning job for me or giving me a neck rub or some other such nice thing in order to help me feel better. The only proviso was that I had to be careful not to pile on so many minuses that he got discouraged about being able to earn back. I learned never to let him get lower than minus 2 or so, after which I simply emphasized the need for him to get back to positives so that I could talk to him again about whatever he needed from me.

This was an incredibly effective program that had impact for years after I stopped using it. Even today, I can still say “minus one” to one of the kids, and they immediately reconsider their behavior, even though there is no consequence attached any more. It’s worth looking at developing your own version of this. The most important point is to stay totally calm while delivering the points, and being (or at least appearing) completely unconcerned about whether or not they ever again get into the positive column (“Well, it’s up to you - any time you want to get back in the positives, I’d be glad to help you out.”) It puts the burden of choice back on them, and gets you out of having to enforce a timeout or other consequence that could be protested in order to create further power struggles.

That’s how we handled it. Hope that helps!

So what would you do? The child is playing dead. Do you calmly tell them if they don’t get up to their room than they don’t get a story tonight and walk away?

My son is such a pusher that he would get up stairs and sit in the hall and then run into his room when he sees me come and check on him.

Do you then just say, you weren’t there, so no story (and then the tears and tantrum)? Or do I just ignore the fact he wasn’t there when I walked by.

Or would you say, your behavior just lost you energy points???

I am afraid I am inconsistent because at some level the way he is doesn’t make sense to me at all. I was a much more compliant child.

So I feel like I am being outsmarted by an 8 year old.

IBeth

I think I would set the timer on that one. One minute to be in the room or no reading. Let him know that you are assuming he hears you and will check when the timer rings. If he is out, no reading. If he gets the consequence, and gets upset about this, I might offer to have him earn his reading back by doing chores. Make sure it’s a significant amount and let him know you will check on each task to make sure it’s done to your specifications. Make sure you are calm the whole time.

If you haven’t set up the energy point system, it’s not good to start it when he’s already earned a negative consequence. In fact, the best time to do it is when he’s done something positive and you can give him a “plus one” to start off with. If you have already started it, I would have the “energy point” discussion after things calmed down, not while trying to gain compliance. I would probably ask him how he thinks you felt about what happened, or better, whether or not he thought his behavior made you waste energy or made you feel more energetic. Then let him know you are feeling pretty drained by his behavior, so you aren’t really in the mood to be with him, but if he did some nice things for you, you might be willing to change your mind. At first, it’s OK to suggest ideas, as this will be a new concept to him. As time goes on, you can make it more his responsibility to think of ideas.

He IS outsmarting you! That’s just the problem. Once I realized it was all a big game to Patrick, I started to think a couple of moves ahead of him. That made all the difference!

Steve,

A timer makes a lot of sense. It is neutral too. Yes, I know he is outsmarting me.

Your advice is good so I will ask one more question, if I may. I have tremendous issues with siblings rivalry between my two boys. They are almost 4 years apart but the middle one is LD and thus is less mature than he otherwise would be. For years, he competed with his younger brother. He doesn’t so much anymore (he is doing much better after much therapy). But he really doesn’t like the 8 year old very much.

Basically, the eight year old tries to provoke the 12 year old. The 12 year old lashes out at the 8 year old. He will say things or he will trip him or whatever. The 8 year old is clearly trying to get the 12 year old in trouble. The 8 year old also plays dramatic on how much he has been hurt. The 12 year old has a temper and sometimes it is a problem.

I have punished both. Ignored both. Punished one but not the other. Nothing seems to make any difference.

Any ideas?

Beth

We dealt with this a lot. We settled on a couple of principles. First, if they can’t agree on what happened, both kids get the same consequence unless one of us saw the whole thing. This takes out the referee factor. I ask them to tell me what happened, one at a time, focusing on what THEY did rather than the other child. If they can’t agree, I send them both to timeout or to do chores. It is VERY rare when things escalate to fighting that either party is completely innocent.

Second, I tried to reframe being together as a privilege. “If you can’t get along together, you will have to be in separate rooms for a while.” We had to figure out that both had to leave whatever room they were in, or else there would be an argument about who had to leave. This encouraged them to work something out, since both would have to stop watching TV or whatever. Also, being separate reminded them that they really did like to play together, despite their protestations to the contrary.

The only way to get out of the mutual consequences is to come to an adult and ask for help. It is expected that they will 1) ask the other child in words for what they want, 2) let them know how they feel if the first step didn’t work, and then 3) come and ask an adult to assist. If they do these steps, I will take their side and try to resolve the issue without consequences.

We also have family meetings and discuss how these things keep happening. I get them to propose both solutions and consequences. Again, if they don’t think of anything, then I make the rules, which they don’t want. I have them do a contract or policy and put it in the book for later reference. If there is an argument, we pull out the book and look at the policy. Since they thought it up and agreed to it, they don’t have much to complain about. If they decide they don’t like the rule anymore, I say that they are welcome to bring it up at the next meeting, but until then, the rule is in place and they have to abide by it.

I might add some kind of a competition for them to earn something by getting along together. Ice cream cones is always a good reward, especially a trip to the ice cream parlor. Not too expensive but definitely fun and rewarding. You can add in the betting element - “I bet you guys can’t even make it half an hour without getting into a fight!” Challenge them and see if they can prove you wrong. Put a quarter on the line, or a dollar, or whatever will tempt them, and have them to a dollar’s worth of work if you win. That way, they are working together to get the goods on you. Of course, you have to act very upset if you “lose”, as described above.

That’s my short course on sibling rivalry. You may have to make adaptations for your situation, but the main thing is getting yourself out of the referee’s role and making them more responsible for getting along. Playing together is a privilege they have to show they deserve. It will teach them to appreciate each other’s company more if they aren’t always together regardless of how obnoxiously they treat each other.

Oh, of course, you can assign them BOTH negative energy points for not getting along. It’s their job to get along, not yours to make them, and they are wasting your energy when they don’t do their jobs.

Hope that is helpful!

We dealt with this a lot. We settled on a couple of principles. First, if they can’t agree on what happened, both kids get the same consequence unless one of us saw the whole thing. This takes out the referee factor. I ask them to tell me what happened, one at a time, focusing on what THEY did rather than the other child. If they can’t agree, I send them both to timeout or to do chores. It is VERY rare when things escalate to fighting that either party is completely innocent.

Second, I tried to reframe being together as a privilege. “If you can’t get along together, you will have to be in separate rooms for a while.” We had to figure out that both had to leave whatever room they were in, or else there would be an argument about who had to leave. This encouraged them to work something out, since both would have to stop watching TV or whatever. Also, being separate reminded them that they really did like to play together, despite their protestations to the contrary.

The only way to get out of the mutual consequences is to come to an adult and ask for help. It is expected that they will 1) ask the other child in words for what they want, 2) let them know how they feel if the first step didn’t work, and then 3) come and ask an adult to assist. If they do these steps, I will take their side and try to resolve the issue without consequences. Of course, certain things like hitting or creating injuries are automatic consequences in addition to whatever else is going on. No amount of provocation excuses a violent response.

We also have family meetings and discuss how these things keep happening. I get them to propose both solutions and consequences. Again, if they don’t think of anything, then I make the rules, which they don’t want. I have them do a contract or policy and put it in the book for later reference. If there is an argument, we pull out the book and look at the policy. Since they thought it up and agreed to it, they don’t have much to complain about. If they decide they don’t like the rule anymore, I say that they are welcome to bring it up at the next meeting, but until then, the rule is in place and they have to abide by it.

I might add some kind of a competition for them to earn something by getting along together. Ice cream cones is always a good reward, especially a trip to the ice cream parlor. Not too expensive but definitely fun and rewarding. You can add in the betting element - “I bet you guys can’t even make it half an hour without getting into a fight!” Challenge them and see if they can prove you wrong. Put a quarter on the line, or a dollar, or whatever will tempt them, and have them to a dollar’s worth of work if you win. That way, they are working together to get the goods on you. Of course, you have to act very upset if you “lose”, as described above.

That’s my short course on sibling rivalry. You may have to make adaptations for your situation, but the main thing is getting yourself out of the referee’s role and making them more responsible for getting along. Playing together is a privilege they have to show they deserve. It will teach them to appreciate each other’s company more if they aren’t always together regardless of how obnoxiously they treat each other.

Oh, of course, you can assign them BOTH negative energy points for not getting along. It’s their job to get along, not yours to make them, and they are wasting your energy when they don’t do their jobs.

Hope that is helpful!

Steve

Thanks so much for the ideas. I will start using them. As you said he does feed off of my anger.

Steve,

Thanks for the ideas. I suspect the key thing here with my kids is to not let them get to me. I was raised with two sisters and I swear that did not equip me to deal with two boys (and a daughter but I do much better there!).

Beth

I think you are right. I found that the key was to always be thinking about strategy, rather than how I felt. It’s all about keeping one step ahead of them. My son is an excellent chess player, but so am I. I had to learn to out-think him.