Recommeded readings for socially-challenged third grader

You might look into “social stories” (Carol Gray is one author). Many are available from lending libraries and in fact your school may have some. You can also find them online at a range of prices from very reasonable to full retail.

These are specifically designed to help teach children with “social retardation” like HF autistic kids how to understand the often complex and intuitive world of social interaction.

Good luck to you and please let us know how things are going!

On a less therapeutic level, you may want to look at the American Girl books. They have at least one, if not several titles, on friends. These are nice, wholesome books that very socially well adjusted girls also read. I also would recommend getting her a subscription to American Girl magazine. Each issue usually has at least one article that touches on personal social problems, in addition to games, suggestions for crafts and other activities, and inspiring stories. The books are widely available in bookstores and also at americangirl.com.

It makes me sad that your daughter’s situation is such that you feel the need to get Queen Bees and Wannabes to help you understand your daughter’s third grade problems. The sort of thing that book explores should not be happening in third grade. In the urban area where I live, fourth grade is known as the year when girls become poisonous to each other, which is way down from where it was when I was growing up. Third and fourth graders are just too young to have to deal with a mean girls environment.

Thanks everyone. I’ve look into getting the various articles. Marie, I think that 4th grade is the big year for real problems but I have even met a Preschooler that knew how to gossip and isolate other girls. I think that the whole pecking order and associated intricacies comes on gradually. Some girls seem to be “better” at the game sooner than others. One thing that I do know is that a fluid pecking-order is already becoming a fact of life. It is possible to change your “status” still thank goodness. I won the game growing up usually maintaining my self-respect but occasionally making the wrong/regretable choices also. I guess a certain degree is normal and healthy but you don’t want your child to be continually on the bottom or making the wrong choices to enhance her “ranking”.
Terry

Maybe your daughter needs different friends. My daughter, now 14, was never one to read the nuances you are talking about either. I did a lot of social instruction, which helped. But maybe most importantly she didn’t gravitate to girls who were always keeping score. Your daughter just doesn’t have the skills to compete in that arena and I am not sure you should hope she does. I have never liked those kinds of girls that well anyway. I personally think that a girl who would not be her friend because she made a fuss about being grossed isn’t much of a friend anyway.

What does she like to do? Boys more typically make friends around activities and lots of girls today do too. It gives them somehting to do together and the social skills are not quite as important.

Beth

Hmmm,

I really liked the girl that my daughter was tight with before the incident. They had a ton in common. I’m thinking that girls are very fickle at this age and the friend was influenced by the leading girls in the class. It’s the first time this girl has seriously disappointed me (so I don’t see a habit yet.) I think that you don’t want to count a girl out too fast at this age. Her mother talked to me yesterday and wants to throw our girls together for a couple hours and see if they can “talk” things out. We’re all Girl Scouts and Girl Scout Leaders also so we don’t like this kind of behavior. Even though most parents would say to keep out of it, I think that I’ll go along with the girl’s mom and help facilitate.

Your point is well-taken though Beth. My daughter doesn’t do well with some girls and I need to probably educated myself as well as my daughter regarding this. Usually there are some signs such as the girl dressing like she is 3 years older and having a vocabulary that includes the regular use of words such as “nerd, hot, dork, cool etc…” Most third graders are not quite that critical of others or themselves yet. There is a growing group that is distracted by such matters.

My daughter does need to learn some basics though like not holding your crotch in public when you have to go to the bathroom. Or, not displaying her emotions quite so dramatically.

Terry

I agree that you should give it a try with the other girl (with Mom’s help) if they have been friends for a long time. However, it may be that this other girl now cares more about being “cool” than being friends though. Third grade seems awfully young for this kind of change though. Usually you see this about middle school.

Girl scouts is a good structured activity for friendship. Maybe you could do some unit on etiquette. I have even seen people who come into schools and groups and do this. Teaching kids manners helps make them more aware of what others think.

What does your daughter say when you tell her that you don’t do certain kind of things in public? If she is repsonsive, you certainly can help her not to do the most obvious things. She may not automatically absorb the social rules but that doesn’t mean she can’t learn. The more subtle things are much harder to help with.

My daughter used to carry on so much she would embarass herself and others. Now she isn’t ADHD but once she got going, she still didn’t stop. her. We taught a signal (touching our nose) that was to tell her that she needed to cool it. Now you can’t be at school and everywhere but our daughter would do this at home too and especially when she had friends over. I think it did help to make her more aware of her behavior.

Beth

The latest addition to my home library is a book titled “the unwritten rules of friendship” Its a book for you, but the book suggests using it in an open way with your child if she’s old enough to understand what you are trying to do.

I think there are 2 things to consider. One is that some kids simply need to be taught explicity certain rules of social interaction that the rest of us pick up. Don’t scratch your crotch might be one, but there are less obvious ones too!

The second is that girls of all ages can be very fickle and it can be difficult even for the most socially capable of them. My daughter is , if anything, socially gifted, but still spent last week all weepy b/c her best school friend wasn’t playing with her. The difference is that she could read the situation and came up with a solution on her own. But it didn’t prevent her from feeling badly about it.

I just read Queen Bees and Wannabees. It is really good to get you and your daughter comfortable with not being the Queen Bee or any of her clones. These people are not really popular, but feared. Their circle of friends are not real friends and these girls are headed for trouble throughout their lives. It also is good to help you accept that there will be ups and downs for every girl and that unacceptable behavior like lieing and sneaking out at night are understandable. All this is actually a valuable learning experience for most girls so long as a terrible consequence does not occur such as pregnancy, STDs or being a perpetual target.

Where the book falls short is giving out concrete advice to a girl. There was a section about confronting the Queen Bee after a bullying experience that seemed a little unreal and against what I know about bullies. It seemed to me a sure way to attract more attention if a girl could get the Queen Bee alone and have the courage to discuss the issue.

I think the book is a definite must to have in your library beause understanding the girl culture is reassuring but is not the only book that you should have.

Terry