Siblings

I totally agree. My LD sister gets all of the attention. She throws tantrums every day and gets all of my mom’s attention. If I even try to talk to my mom, my sister will throw a tantrum and try to push me into my room. She insists on talking to my mom in her (my sister’s room) and won’t let me come in to talk to my mom at all (or she throws a fit).

My sister acts like a soap-opera on over drive. Everything is about her. Everyone is out to get her. We are all lying and manipulative, etc., etc. We could all help her do everything but we don’t because we’re “mean.” [I’m sorry — I’m just not going to do her homework for her. And I have more than my share of problems to deal with — and some of those are just b/c of having to deal w/ a screaming banshee sister.]

When I try to talk to my sister, she calls me a bitch and my mom says “what did you do to make her say that?” As if my sister’s hyper-emotionality is my fault!

My mom says that she has problems. But my sister’s problems are now becoming my problems and that is not fair. No one cares about me and no one will unless I did something totally stupid (run away, get pregnant). I’m good, so I’m good enough to be ignored.

I, too, have an LD sibling. Even though I am an adult now, I am incredibly haunted by how my sibling was able to totally upset what had been a fairly normal family dynamic.

I am scared that I may have LD children some day and would not want to have an LD and a normal child together, as I fear that the non-LD child would be as miserable as I am (was, am; it’s an issue with every phone call and at every holiday).

I am curious how no one on any of these boards ever mentions siblings. It’s as if every one here with an LD child only has ONE child.

Parents — for our sake and for the sake’s of your other child, please let us know how you are taking care of your non-LD children. I hope they are not as neglected as I was. Otherwise, they could be like me as adults: sad, angry, bitter, and fearful.

I have three children. Only one is LD. He does get a disproportionate amount of our time. My older daughter has occasionally voiced objections to that and told us it is unfair. But then it is not fair that he should have to work so hard while she gets A’s and B’s with little effort.

I get the sense though in all three posts that the LD sibling played center stage emotionally as well. My LD child was like that as a preschooler but fortunately he now is a real delight. (That took a lot of hard work on our part). He is actually now the best behaved of my three kids, perhaps because we HAD to be consistent with him. My other kids are also, by personality, more pushers.

I don’t have any answers. I know, as a parent, it is very tough to find enough time and it is easy to protect the child that seems more vulnerable. I know the audiologist I have taken my son to has pointed out to me how I jump in and help him when it isn’t necessary. On the other hand, we have the same behavioral standards for him as his siblings and expect him to contribute to the household by doing work around the house just like his siblings. I learned the importance of that when I had a colleague’s daughter who was LD babysit my children and she did nothing to pick up after herself or the kids. My friend told me later that she felt bad demanding work from her daughter since she already worked so hard at school.

I am responding to all the kids who vented their frustrations with having an LD sibling. I can answer from experience in two respects; I have a 13 y.o. son with NLD and, although this doesn’t match exactly, I grew up with a mentally ill brother. I am also the Mom of a perfectly OK little girl of 9 years. My brother has a genius level IQ and was the handsome achiever until he got paranoid schizophrenia when he was in high school. Most of my years from 7th grade on were total hell. I became the parent to two grieving parents and the protector of my mother. (sometimes, people told her it was her fault). They tried not to leave me without attention, but it couldn’t be helped that much. Mom used to say it was like a mother bird who has one sick one; the sick one has to be given the most care for awhile. Everything was about my brother. When I announced at supper that I had a particular honor in band, it was ignored and they continued to talk about my brother’s problems. I loved being in five bands because it delayed my going home after school until nearly bedtime. I was extremely lonely and missed having a happy family. I was also a “good kid,” and I, too, felt like I needed to misbehave to get noticed, but I realized that I loved my parents too much to cause them any more grief than they already had. During college, I often longed to return to school after vacations at home because home was such hell on earth with an insane sibling and the grieving parents. I remember going back after Thanksgiving once when my mother was laying on the floor crying and screaming, “why did this have to happen to my son?” Now I’m the mother of a son with depression and NLD and my daughter cries that she wants a “normal brother” who doesn’t tease her. Now I’m in the same position as my parents were when they were trying not to leave me out, but not doing a very good job of it. Here’s my advice, now that I’m all grown up: 1. NEVER FORGET that it could have been YOU instead of your sibling. Treat them the way you would hope they would handle you. This fact absolutely haunts me and reminding me of this gives me patience with him to this day. 2. IT WILL GET BETTER. It just may take years and more perspective. 3. You do love this sibling and maybe don’t realize how much. 4. TELL YOUR PARENTs that although you understand that they are consumed with saving the kid with more needs, that you need them and miss them. They may just need reminded because they are so worried about your sibling, and their lack of attention to you is only because you are obviously so competent for your ages. If you were the one in need, they would fuss just as much over you, but remind them and don’t be shy about asking for a little time too. 5. YOUR PARENTS NEED YOU now more than perhaps, they ever will. You will someday look back with pride at how well you helped get your parents through the hardest time of their lives. I know I am very proud of what I did for my family even though, I in essence, lost my childhood. 6. It sounds stupid, but you will be a much stronger and compassionate person for the rest of your life because of this. don’t assume that your sibling can control their behavior. I don’t know that, but it may be that they’re doing the best they can do. Try to understand that your life is so much easier, and the LD kid sometimes flips out because of the frustration. I used to go to church a lot when my brother, whom I adored even as I was a child, was first committed to a mental institution. It helped. Your religion may help and also, maybe talking to a pastor or your priest too. I hope you all have somebody to talk to. P.S. - I still help take care of my brother and as God as my witness, he will never be alone.

Not a day goes by when I don’t wonder how this all is affecting my non-LD son. (Actually he has ADHD but in comparison to our other son he seems normal to me!) My non-LD son is my rock and safe haven. He seems to intuitively know that I can’t take on much more and doesn’t heap on any more problems. He doesn’t get as much time from me as our other son but I try to make sure he knows how much I appreciate him, allocate some quality time for him, and when he needs something, he can count on me.

Thanks for the reminder. And thanks for being the rock and safe haven for your own mother. She probably appreciated it more than you will ever know.

Maybe the idea is when to cut your losses when you have a truly dysfunctional family. In that case, it’s not an LD issue at all. Still, I have seen otherwise functioning families let the LD child’s problems get worse than they could be because they can’t bear to discipline a child who is already struggling. And yes, no one notices the good kids (who are usually extraordinarily good — likely because they are forced to be independent and to excell in order to get attention) until they become bad kids (and I’ve seen lots of pregnant young ladies say that this finally gave them someone to love them back).

Maybe if parents went to see the Miracle Worker, they might get how disciplining Helen Keller in the right way is the way to unlock the good and intellect within children who can’t learn the way we can AND help the family grow better together. I can’t recall, but I don’t think that Helen Keller was an only child. And while I don’t think she was LD in the sense it’s used on this board, she was blind and deaf and lived before the world got very progressive. It’s pretty inspiring.

That’s probably overly simplistic, but a lot of parent’s just aren’t up to the rigors or selflessness that good parenting requires. Think of the single mother who lets guy after guy move in with her — that is not good for the chilren. Or parents who split up and remarry and ignore their first set of kids (and the baggage associated with them) when the second set of kids comes around. Kids who survive bad childhoods without being consumed by them are some of the strongest people I know (and some of the saddest over what they are truly missing).

Sorry.

It sounds like you are in the same boat as children of alcoholics. The parents are preoccupied with their own difficulties and you wind up in charge of everything, having to act like an adult while you’re still a child, being afraid of how the homelife will seem to friends, not having anyone to turn to, etc.

I’m sorry. It’s sad that no one thought to treat you better.

Parents, let’s remember that in focusing on one child’s needs, we don’t create or add to the unmet needs of our other children. We cannot rob Peter to pay Paul.