I am the mother of two teenager boys (14 & 15), both with ADHD. The younger is also gifted and coping very well. The older one is really suffering in school. He attended a private school for the elementary years and did relatively well with small classes and high structure. Now he is in the public system and with each semester in high school is doing more and more poorly.We are now beginning the process of having him also tested for a possible learning disability, but at the moment, my main concern is PEER PRESSURE! He is extremely sociable, but has formed a core group of friends (4-5) all of whom are ADHD and/or LD, all of whom have failed in school or are failing abysmally. I realize that it is “safe” for him to be with them in that they don’t make him feel dumb, but it is proving impossible for him to pull away from them and try to do better. His friends are always at the door wanting to see if he’s free, and his response in the last four months has become that yes, he is free. Homework doesn’t matter; studying doesn’t matter.My husband and I are completely frustrated as are the other parents. Three families are going to meet soon to talk about our mutual concerns, a meeting which I hope will help us emotionally as well as perhaps help us come up with some common attacks. However, I suspect that my husband and I are the parents who are the “strictest” and most willing to try to change behaviours. I am afraid that the other parents will talk but have convinced themselves (all too easy to do) that their sons see no need to change: wandering the streets looking for a good time on school nights when responsibilities haven’t been met is all they can expect.How can we cope with this?Sorry about the long message — is this the usual for a first-time communicator who is frustrated, frustrated, frustrated but very worried about her son?
Re: Teenagers with ADHD
: In my experience, kids don’t usually give up until they’ve been given up on. Who at school is helping these kids? Do they have advisors? Is there any teacher who mentors them in the school setting?If they’re being overlooked by their school, it’s likely they’ll overlook school. It’s hard to communicate the message that school is important unless school treats them as important. If school continues to do little for your son’s friends other than write Fs on their report cards, they will certainly look for positive feedback elsewhere.What are your son’s goals? That is an important question. If he has none, 15 is not too young to develop some, both long term and short term. What does he see himself as doing with his life? What would he like to do with his life?To motivate him to stay on course when his friends do not, you will need to help him see himself as different from his friends. You would point out to him that his friends are living life dangerously already as a life without goals is dangerous. We lose our way when we don’t have goals to guide us.Goals do not have to be school-centered. Some people endure school but put their energies into after school jobs or hobbies. Some hobbies prove fruitful employment later on. Bill Gates started playing around on computers in his parents’ garage.What are your son’s interests? What has he liked to do? I’d be supplying him with positive diversions that tempt him away from these friends. Would he like to earn money? The job market is good right now. Even if having a job would make it harder for him to study, I’d prefer my son be working toward any goal rather than hanging out with no goal.Good luck to you and your son.I am the mother of two teenager boys (14 & 15), both with ADHD.
: The younger is also gifted and coping very well. The older one is
: really suffering in school. He attended a private school for the
: elementary years and did relatively well with small classes and
: high structure. Now he is in the public system and with each
: semester in high school is doing more and more poorly.: We are now beginning the process of having him also tested for a
: possible learning disability, but at the moment, my main concern
: is PEER PRESSURE! He is extremely sociable, but has formed a core
: group of friends (4-5) all of whom are ADHD and/or LD, all of whom
: have failed in school or are failing abysmally. I realize that it
: is “safe” for him to be with them in that they don’t
: make him feel dumb, but it is proving impossible for him to pull
: away from them and try to do better. His friends are always at the
: door wanting to see if he’s free, and his response in the last
: four months has become that yes, he is free. Homework doesn’t
: matter; studying doesn’t matter.: My husband and I are completely frustrated as are the other parents.
: Three families are going to meet soon to talk about our mutual
: concerns, a meeting which I hope will help us emotionally as well
: as perhaps help us come up with some common attacks. However, I
: suspect that my husband and I are the parents who are the
: “strictest” and most willing to try to change
: behaviours. I am afraid that the other parents will talk but have
: convinced themselves (all too easy to do) that their sons see no
: need to change: wandering the streets looking for a good time on
: school nights when responsibilities haven’t been met is all they
: can expect.: How can we cope with this?: Sorry about the long message — is this the usual for a first-time
: communicator who is frustrated, frustrated, frustrated but very
: worried about her son?
Quite right
PASSWORD>aaypjoGdHk2QkMy 16 year old with a severe LD is in 2 classes with all LD kids. Early on, I’ve pointed out to him that he is different from those kids as he has other successes, goals and lifestyle.You have to put limits. He knows that after school he has a snack and does homework BEFORE any socializing. We have been doing this since 1st grade and it will be hard to implement if you are just starting now, but kids need the discipline and the plan to accomplish in school and life.Working is a good idea and getting him involved with other nonschool activities works well also. We have done this and my son seeks out kids who are average but with no school problems and no behavior problems. Case in point, his friends asked him to go to the mall. After we told him all the possible bad things that could happen, he decided not to go with them but didn’t want to seem like a wimp. We told him to say his mom wouldn’t let him go. Let me be the bad guy. Let them think he would do it if not for his very strict mom. He felt comfortable with this.You may have to lay down the law, but as you are doing it you can explain the reasons why and how it will positively impact him now and definitely in the future. Rewards for even the little successes in school works too. It can start with a week of doing homework and then broaden it to good grades for a quarter. A reward can be time spent with the family doing what your son chooses, a dinner at a restaurant of his choice, going to a movie, going to a fun bookstore like Borders and let him choose any magazine or book and then have a snack. I’ve done the punishment phase for a while and it causes anger, resentment and anxiety. Don’t go there.Good luck.: If they’re being overlooked by their school, it’s likely they’ll
: overlook school. It’s hard to communicate the message that school
: is important unless school treats them as important. If school
: continues to do little for your son’s friends other than write Fs
: on their report cards, they will certainly look for positive
: feedback elsewhere.: What are your son’s goals? That is an important question. If he has
: none, 15 is not too young to develop some, both long term and
: short term. What does he see himself as doing with his life? What
: would he like to do with his life?: To motivate him to stay on course when his friends do not, you will
: need to help him see himself as different from his friends. You
: would point out to him that his friends are living life
: dangerously already as a life without goals is dangerous. We lose
: our way when we don’t have goals to guide us.: Goals do not have to be school-centered. Some people endure school
: but put their energies into after school jobs or hobbies. Some
: hobbies prove fruitful employment later on. Bill Gates started
: playing around on computers in his parents’ garage.: What are your son’s interests? What has he liked to do? I’d be
: supplying him with positive diversions that tempt him away from
: these friends. Would he like to earn money? The job market is good
: right now. Even if having a job would make it harder for him to
: study, I’d prefer my son be working toward any goal rather than
: hanging out with no goal.: Good luck to you and your son.: I am the mother of two teenager boys (14 & 15), both with ADHD.
Privileges
Greetings Judith,I know it’s hard for us parents to be tough on our kiddos who already have it so tough as a result of their learning problems. Nonetheless, they still need to learn to take ownership, accountability, and responsibility for their school/homework. My 13yo dd loves to talk on the phone and instant-message on the net and would do this for countless hours if we let her, but she first must earn the privilege to do so. For every X amount of homework she does without complaining, she earns X amount of free time. If her afterschool work doesn’t get done, she doesn’t earn free time. If she works particularly hard, then she can earn even more free time. Forget about the other boys and their parents, you cannot change them and you will only waste precious time and energy attempting to do so, but you can change how you respond to your own son. Have a loving but candid talk with him about your concerns and plans to have him tested for a learning disability. Validate his fears and concerns. Acknowledge the unfairness of it all but do not let him off the hook. Stress that his education must come first and assure him that you love him no matter what and that you will do everything you can to help and support him. It won’t be easy. We have weathered many a tantrum, threats to run away, rudeness and other ugly behavior, but through it all she has seen our unflagging love and support - even during her most unlovable moments. We have stood lovingly firm and more than once she has said that while she hates to admit it, she appreciates us setting the necessary boundaries to hold her accountable!Blessings, momo
PASSWORD>aa5lxIzfiwL2E: I am the mother of two teenager boys (14 & 15), both with ADHD.
: The younger is also gifted and coping very well. The older one is
: really suffering in school. He attended a private school for the
: elementary years and did relatively well with small classes and
: high structure. Now he is in the public system and with each
: semester in high school is doing more and more poorly.: We are now beginning the process of having him also tested for a
: possible learning disability, but at the moment, my main concern
: is PEER PRESSURE! He is extremely sociable, but has formed a core
: group of friends (4-5) all of whom are ADHD and/or LD, all of whom
: have failed in school or are failing abysmally. I realize that it
: is “safe” for him to be with them in that they don’t
: make him feel dumb, but it is proving impossible for him to pull
: away from them and try to do better. His friends are always at the
: door wanting to see if he’s free, and his response in the last
: four months has become that yes, he is free. Homework doesn’t
: matter; studying doesn’t matter.: My husband and I are completely frustrated as are the other parents.
: Three families are going to meet soon to talk about our mutual
: concerns, a meeting which I hope will help us emotionally as well
: as perhaps help us come up with some common attacks. However, I
: suspect that my husband and I are the parents who are the
: “strictest” and most willing to try to change
: behaviours. I am afraid that the other parents will talk but have
: convinced themselves (all too easy to do) that their sons see no
: need to change: wandering the streets looking for a good time on
: school nights when responsibilities haven’t been met is all they
: can expect.: How can we cope with this?: Sorry about the long message — is this the usual for a first-time
: communicator who is frustrated, frustrated, frustrated but very
: worried about her son?Judith,I have a boy who is 13, with ADHD, bright and social. He has been doing fairly well in school with As and Bs. He wants to play far too much in my opinion, he goes overboard with computer games that he can play with other boys in different homes via the internet (the other boys are his friends).He chooses average students for friends; those that do not want to look at books. Some of them have learning disabilities, but not all (at least they have not been identified). I make him study. I warn him that he is going to work. I often sit with him, take the phone off the hook (his friends call constantly) and I have sent boys away when they come knocking. My son resents it when they are playing and he is not, but he always comes around to realizing that sending them away was the right thing. I think setting limits for my child, and modeling what limits need to be set is crucial for success.