was i too overprotective?

I always let my son pick his own friends he is 10 there have been some I could have done without, but he seems to do fine. It is possibly easier with the boys because they do sports stuff.

The behind the back kind of stuff is usually a girl thing.

–But sometimes, I would see that a friend was just plain being mean to her and my daughter would have no clue that the friend was being rude or using her. So I, as the overprotective parent, would tell her to not hang around with that person. I would tell her that I didn’t like the way that she was treating her. She is so accepting and forgiving that she would just keep going back and the same treatment would happen to her.

I think it is a good idea to share your perceptions with your kid, including, incidentally, your perceptions about her own immature behavior. However, unless we are talking about friends who are hazardous to your kid’s health, I think it is more useful to (1) role play possible scenarios involving friends, and discuss the ways in which she might handle them, as well as (2) debrief her after crises, pointing out the decision points which led to that particular ending, and tying it in to your own experiences, or things that you have read or heard about, rather than to simply tell her not to hang out with a particular friend. For example, one of the situations we have role played involves what to do if you are out shopping with a friend and the friend tries to shoplift. If you can’t get her to quit, then you need to say in a loud, clear voice at the checkout counter, “Oh, you forgot the perfume you put in your bag.” This way, nobody has done anything illegal including your friend, who will hopefully be wiser the next time. If you know and do nothing to prevent a crime, then you are an accessory to a crime and you too will get charged.

An example of the latter occurred when my kid was at Girl Scout Camp this summer, and shared a tent with three other eleven and twelve year old girls. One of these hormonally advantaged nitwits suggested doing “IT”. What “IT” is I am not perfectly sure but it appeared to involved clothed, pelvic contact, at least at the initial stages. My own imbecile reportedly agreed initially, and then found proceedings to go beyond her comfort level. (Me later, on debriefing the situation. “Well, that was Decision Point 1. That made you part of the problem, didn’t it? If you had said ‘No, that’s yucky, and anyway, I’m tired. Shut up and let me sleep’, they would just have said ‘Aww, you’re no fun,’ and nobody would have gotten in trouble. You have to conduct yourself as if you are the only person with any common sense or impuse control in any situation, because it may turn out to be true. It is a good habit to get into, because when you get your driver’s license, you will have to drive as if everyone else on the road is drunk or crazy, and not assume that they are good enough drivers that you can be a bad one.” )

She attempted to go to the counsellor to ask for transfer to another tent; they came along, and since they all were giggling and had been friends all day, no transfer was forthcoming. (Me later, on debriefing the situation. “That was Decision Point 2, and it was a good idea. It would likely have worked if you had been very firm about what you wanted and if you hadn’t been laughing. Body language is as important as what you say in words. And it did do some good. They quit acting that way. Had you told them early to quit or you would tell a counsellor, they would likely have quit”.) They all went back to the tent to sleep, but the next day, my kid - who is a rattle - chatted with the counsellors about what happened; the other girls denied everything, and everybody was asked not to come back the next week, for Behavior Unbecoming a Girl Scout. End of friendships; not that I much cared. (Me later, on debriefing the situation. “Talking about it afterwards to the counsellors was Decision Point 3. You were all about to go home for the weekend, so the crisis was past. Talking about it was unnecessary since the behavior had stopped just with you asking for a transfer. Discussing what had occurred couldn’t help you, and as you found out, it could hurt you, because it was actually quite predictable that the girls would lie. Yes, the girls were liars, but from their perspective, you were a sneak. In point of fact, the adults DID believe you, or they wouldn’t have told those girls not to come back the next week, and they wouldn’t have refunded us the money. The evidence - asking for a transfer - was in your favor. The reason they sent you home was mostly to protect the adults from a lawsuit. Remember there is no evidence one way or the other, just your word against theirs. Adults are not fair and impartial bystanders in kid conflicts; they have their own agenda. The take home message is that while it is useful to involve authority figures to head off a crisis or even when you are in the middle of a crisis, afterwards the crisis is over, and it WAS over, this is usually unwise. “

I agree that letting your child make her own mistakes will help her learn. We often take away opportunities to learn when we intervene to early. (I am as guilty as anyone)

Try to coach appropriate social responses. I do it with my son all the time. I usually will do it in a joking kind of way not a judgemental way. Kids are pretty sensitive if they think you are condeming or judging them.

Say things like that are also supportive and understanding, “How did you feel when Mary was giggling behind your back. After her response you can show her you know how it feels. “When I was your age the same thing happened to me. I was pretty upset too.”
You can do this and leave the decision of staying away from this person up to her. I think staying away from bad people is a skill many adults don’t even get. (Anyone have any friends who always dated Mr Wrong.) It is a skill that needs to be ingrained internally. We won’t always be there to watch. They need to get it themselves.

It really might just be a girl thing. Girls are cruel. I’ve found it better just to say, is that really the kind of friend you want, if they choose to remain friends, then I guess it is.
I know it’s hard to watch, but if she’s like the girls my daughter is friends with, they all do it. Girls are vicious!

I was thinking about this. It is easier for a boy to figure it out. My son had a boy punch him in the crotch. I didn’t have to tell him to stay away. It was just so obvious that this was not a kid he should want anything to do with. He avoids this kid like the plague.

Boys will just knock you over the head. Girls are more subversive. I even see it in adults.

I think you’re right not to ask some kids to the house. After all , you all have to live there,and there are some actions you all don’t have to put up with.
However, in high school most of the social activity is going to move away from the house. so the idea of discussing and role-playing negative behaviour and becoming alert to it is important.