at wits end

Jen, our kids didn’t come with instructions we are all doing the best we can,some of us have been at this a little longer. Believe me we have all been brought to tears over our kids in one way or another. My guys are no angels, my 12 yr old thinks he should be treated like a 20 yr old and since recently outgrowing me, has gotten where he tries more often to challenge me.Ol’ puberty rearing its ugly head!:o) Probably some counseling would help as far as behavior maybe try a child psychiatrist since you are thinking it may not be adhd at all. I think others may have some more concrete advice as to who to see. Maybe do a websearch and see if there is an allergist nearer to you so can look into that as well. I took my son to a counselor when he was in 3rd grade, he was so angry at himself that he was having a hard time in school. It really seemed to help that he had someone to talk to outside the family who could also give him some advice on how to deal with his anger. He has been notoriously oppositional when I have tried to teach him something so he wouldn’t listen when I tried to tell him he wasn’t stupid or dumb, he just thought I was saying it cause I am mom. Anyway, your note struck a chord with me and I felt I needed to at least try to say something encouraging. Or at least make some suggestions that are proactive so you feel you are getting somewhere.You aren’t alone in the world of challenging children and things can get better. I hope your day goes better, best wishes.

Dear Jen,

I recommend some books on ADD. They can help you understand this problem and cope with it. The lying and stealing are not uncommon. I also recommend counseling for both your son and you. It can really help. Believe me when I say that your son is not going to grow up delinquent and lie and steal as an adult. By understanding what makes him tick you can help him cope with his problems so much better. Some books to read are: All About Attention Deificit Disorder by Thomas Phelan, Driven to Distraction by Halowell and Ratey, and a really good one that I am reading now is Brainstorms by Joseph Horacek.

In the book Brainstorms, Dr. Horacek really explains very well how having too little or too much of certain brain chemicals causes the symptoms of ADD. The reasons behind ADD are not fully understood, but they are being better understood all the time. This book is full of checklists that help understand just which brain chemical may be at fault, because there are different symptoms for each. Also a person can have problems with several different ones. This will affect which medication will work and which won’t. Often several meds must be taken.

Reading about ADD will help you to understand it. Your son is trying to cope with a mind that cannot filter out internal and external stimuli. He sounds like a very frustrated boy, and his lying, stealing and destroying things are his way of coping with it. But I am sure, as his mother, you also see your son for what he truly is: a boy with talents and potential, who underneath it all is probably very sweet and generous.

I can understand somewhat what your son is going through, since I probably have ADD. In the Brainstorms book there is an overall checklist with 67 questions. I answered a resounding yes to nearly every one. This is helping me to understand why I am the way I am. There are good aspects of it as well as bad.

I can also understand what you are going through, since I have to “hover” over my children to get them to do their homework/schoolwork! Doctors and educators aren’t always fully informed about ADD and the various treatments for it. Some are and some are behind the times. It is up to you to be as informed as you can be, for your son’s sake. If you need any more questions answered, I can try to answer them.

For your son to be this defiant this young indicates to me that he is not choosing these behaviors but is rather being driven to them. I’m not sure about behaviorally related allergies but is there another doctor whose opinion you might seek? How did you find your way to your first doctor? There are doctors and there are doctors. If this was your family physcian, you might consider asking for a referral to a pediatric neurologist.

Clearly you can’t spend the year having him do nothing in school and school should be doing more than they are. To simply have him sit and then send the work home is not going to work for them or you or certainly your son.

Is he angry about being in school? Some of what you’re saying sounds like it might be anger to me and that might be worth exploring with him. Did he look forward to returning to school at all? Does he have friends in schools and friends in his class? What is his teacher like?

As for people on this BB sounding like they have it together, there are often posts of tremendous stress as is yours. Parents of children with issues have a special challenge and, as you say, have been given a precious responsibility and there are many times when that responsibility can feel too weighty.

Your son is very young. Both my own sons have ADD and it has gotten better as they got older. Even so right now my son is about to go into 11th grade and I’m griiting my teeth, dealing with my headaches and his as we prepare to face yet another year in school. It has been a long, long road for us as we worked to get him through school and what keeps us going now is that we only have two more years of it left.

Know that you’re not alone and even when the posts sound like we have it all together, we’re all struggling to make it all work.

Good luck to you and your son.

In some cases apnea has been known to cause ADHD like symptoms because of a lack of REM sleep. You would not necessarily need to see an allergist but an ENT specialist that is of a “younger” generation. Swollen adenoids can often be the cause. Maybe just a quick trip to a local ENT would better direct you.

Believe me I feel for you. I swear sometimes it is almost like watching someone who is mildly bipolar the way my son swings. One day he is sweet and just a little impulsive and other days he is completely ODD!!! My son only sees the child psych every few months or when major behavior beaks out, but my husband and I see the psych monthly. Sometimes his behavior causes fights between us that though we hide, my son feels it and his behavior gets worse escalating the problems between my husband and myself and thereby escalating his behavior.

Having someone to talk to who understands personally is very important as well. That is what this BB is here for and I would also suggest CHADD if you have a local chapter. Good Luck.

I would like to thank everyone for their responces … it is very encouraging to know that Im not alone.
To answer some questions that were posted by Sara… he often acts out and his Doctor (who is allegedly the top childrens adhd Doc in AZ) has often said that she believes he is angry and that is why he misbehaves. However I live with him and he very rarly shows any anger. he was estatic to go back to school. He has many friends altho he has been straining his relationships over the past 6 months (with annoying behavior). His acting out at school seems to revolve around being the class clown. It is his priority… to me it seems that he can only see what he wants as being priority… no matter what is expected he does what he wants. I really think he has no control over that …. impulse I guess is what it is.
It is nice to hear that it will get better … sometimes that is my biggest fear. When I look back two years to when this first began and I was struggling because it was so hard and now it seems like those days were cake compared to what we go through now… then I think what if in two years I look back on today and think boy those days were easy compared to this… I dont think I could make it. Thank you all for the suggestions and the books .. I will look into.

Hi Jen,

Reading through your message brought back so many memories. Please believe me when I tell you that although we “sound together”, most of the time we really aren’t. Kids with ADHD,or learning disabilities can be very, VERY challenging and we all sort of “grive” that one way or another. As painful and blunt as this may be, you need to come to terms with the fact that your child is different, and if so, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND! There is a biological reason here and you should not blame yourselves or anyone (including him) for something you have absolutely no control over.

So, after you cry and grive for a good while, it will be time to look ahead and get to work. But only after understanding (AND ACCEPTING) that your son has a condition (NOT A PROBLEM) and that you can help him. Perhaps it is not ADHD, or a learning disability, or it could be a simple allergy. I know for a fact that my kids get WILD when they eat chocolate and peanut butter. I have a nephew who not only gets wild on chocolate, he is so out of control he can’t listen. When it gets to that point, it is hard to even try and discipline them.

So here is my suggestion: if you or your doctor think that there is something else, look for ways to find out. Try changing his diet slowly, eliminating possible culprits and see what effect not having those foods may have on him. Keep track of everything and I think after a while you will know if foods played a role. If that doesn’t work, seek professional help.

Our older son was dx with ADHD at age 6 and after trying several meds (Ritalin, Dexedrine, Adrall, you name it), he became severely depressed (with suicidal thoughts, at age 7). So, you just can imagine how many tears I shed over that. OH GOD, we were SO DESPERATE! We searched everywhere and found that our local hospital had a program that specializes in school age kids problems (School Function Program). Check with your local hospitals to see if they have a similar program. After a thorough exam from 6 doctors (Psycol, Neurolog, OT Specialists, Speech and Lang, etc.) they found out he was not ADHD, but had an Auditory Processing disability, with symptoms very much like ADD.
These exams can be expensive, but some insurance companies will cover at least part of the cost. Basically his auditory processing is faster then others, and his mind races from thought to thought, or subject to subject without stopping. Very much like when our husbands take over the TV remote control, and click from channel to channel…so fast it makes your head spin (sorry husbands, but you know this is true).

After we learned that, we changed his pediatrician and started medications with a new approach. We hated having to give him meds again, but he still needed extra help in “slowing his thoughts down”, to allow him to REALLY think and clearly see through things. To make a long story short, after many other trials and errors, going back and forth on various meds and dosages, trying various strategies at home, we now have a wonderful 12 yo pre-teen entering Juniour High, with a wonderful sense of humour, and doing great in school (he was an honor roll student two terms last year).

But Jen, don’t get me wrong. It took a lot of tears on the pillow at night, a lot of effort, an amazing amount of persistance and patience and a strong belief in our kid. You see, I think it is critical that you NEVER DOUBT FOR A MINUTE THAT:

A) YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN TO HELP HIM, AND YOU SHOULD PATTER YOURSELVES ON THE BACK FOR THAT. DON’T POUR YOUR PRECIOUS ENERGY INTO GUILT TRIPS THAT ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING.

B) JUST LOOK AT YOUR CHILD AND THINK - HOW BLESSED AND LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE HIM. IT COULD BE SO, SO MUCH WORSE! LET HIM KNOW AND FEEL THAT YOU BELIEVE IN HIM. DON’T TREAT THIS AS IF IT IS A DESEASE OR A PROBLEM - HIS BEHAVIOUR IS A PROBLEM, NOT HIM. IF THEY SENSE THAT IS HOW YOU FEEL, THEY WILL START BELIEVING THEY ARE A PROBLEM AND THINGS WILL ONLY GET WORSE.

Finally, perhaps you already heard of this book 1-2-3 Magic, by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan. If not, give it a try. Along with meds and a special education plan in school (IEP), this book gave us the tools we needed at home to change some of our counter-productive forms of discipline, and to help him change some of his problematic behaviours. We adopted his strategies at home when he was in 4th grade and he is a totally different child now. Even our other non-LD/ADHD kid has benefited from that as well.

So Jen, to finalize, I want you to know that there is always hope and you must truly believe that. I think you do, or you wouldn’t be asking for help. And, as time passes and our kids grown and change, the tears will still exist I am sure, but for the true joy and pride they will always give us.

I hope all my rambling helped you somehow. Please forgive me any grammar / spelling mistakes - I was educated in another country.

Feel free to email me if any questions,

Lorena

I have two boys. Both of which started out with an ADHD diagnosis first. They later identified Learning disabilities and gifted IQ’s,among other labels.There were days that I often wondered,why me? My oldest in 1st grade was a classroom terror. The teacher called me once per day,at work,to tell me everything he did. EVERYTHING. He sat under his desk and wouldn’t come ou,he sat on top of his desk and wouldn’t come down,. He locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out,he broke the classroom computer. It never ended. Now with this being said,I have learned a lot from my experiences.
The child I mentioned above tried; Ritalin,imipramine,nortriptylline,cylert
adderall,ritalin SR,and dexedriine.
What the teacher didn’t see was he would exhibit these behavior problems at a certain time everyday. When he was to write. Anytime he was suppose to write he would lose his mind,and get in trouble.
I went to pediatricians,child psychiatrist,pedi neurologist and finally a developmental pediatrician.
In the meantime,I started learning about his rights. Gee,found out he had the right to a comprehensive evaluation,this included what is called a functional behavioral assessment. A certified behavioral analyist sat in on his classes and watched him. When the teacher said”okay Class it’s time to take out your writing books” my son started looking around. When he took out his paper and pencil he started swaying in his seat,raised his hand and asked to go to the bathroom.An educational evaluation was done and low and behold a huge writing deficit was identified.
He still had ADHD,we still had the problem of finding the correct meds,but now we also knew that there was something else in the mix too.
In my quest to help my children,I learned that kids exhibit behavior for a variety of reasons. ABC. There is always ABC. An antecedent,what happens to cause the behavior,the behavior itself,and then the consequence of the behavior. IE my son. The antecedent for him was having to write,having to do something he couldn’t do,the behavior was avoidance,the consequence was being told he was bad,but being bad was better then you can’t write like all the other kids,to my son.

With the very long winded explanation the advice I give you is this, expect more from his school. They MUST by law,evaluate him,find a reason for his behavior aside from medication,which is an issue,but an issue that is for your physican and yourself,because the school is not qualified to assess this. If he is exhibiting disruptive behavior,or his behavior is causing problems for his learning,they must come up with a plan on how to deal with it. They must look into possibly other reasons besides he needs medication. Start asking the teacher ,”okay” now what are you guys going to do to help him?The responsiblity of helping your son be successful falls on the schools shoulders,when he is at school. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.If they think counseling would help,they must provide it to him.