yelling at kid

LD children are frustrating to work with. Sometimes when they are doing their best, it still seems to us that they just aren’t getting it. I think the beginning of success is to accept the fact that it is hard. And accept that your son is LD. He isn’t going to be like little Johnny who has all his work done in 15 minutes. My son is in fourth grade and I have worked ith him for years already. It is likely that it will be years more.

The other thing is to figure out where things are breaking down for him and try to remediate those difficulties. My son is doing tremendously better than a couple years ago because we have done much therapy. Of course, this requires time and patience too but at least you don’t feel like you are continuously swimming upstream.

Finally, you may be better off having a tutor work with him, if you can’t.

Beth

Oh, I have definitely been there. I assume you are talking about elementary school. One day (fifth grade - 3+ hours of homework a night) I realized that my own behavior and expectations were part of the problem. I had to step back and really look at what I really valued and what I could expect from my LD son. Where did I really need to put his/my efforts?

Pleasing the teacher by doing it all, or doing it perfectly - low value

Getting perfect/nearly perfect grades - low value

Learning the material - high value

Positive self-esteem - high value

Enjoying learning for its own sake - high value

Positive mother/son experience - high value

Remediating the LDs - high value

Thinking that through really got me on a roll. If we were working 3+ hours a day (even more of weekends), we weren’t spending the time remediating. I went into the teacher and told her how all the homework was ruining our lives (and it really was), and used his IEP to demand a reduced workload. I told her we were only going to work on homework for x amount of time and then I would initial it if we couldn’t get it all done. At home, the x of amount of time wasn’t really my guide, it was when homework stopped being a positive experience. I tried to do everything I could to start making it fun (or at least pleasant) to work together on homework. Sometime we would stop because he was having a meltdown or was too distracted. Sometime we just had to stop because it was me that was about to have a meltdown (that’s when you know it’s time to take a break.) We used the reduced work accommodation quite a bit at first, but as homework become more and more pleasant to do together, he started working more things all the way through.

And sometimes it’s okay to say “we can’t get to that [useless piece of busywork - I never actually say that to him!] tonight.” Is it the end of the world to miss a piece of homework? NO.

Did his grades drop? No. Same middle-of-the-road grades. Same grades and our home life is now bearable. Wow. That’s a no-brainer.

Because my son is dyslexic and dysgraphic, I also scribed or typed a lot of his work for him. This made him pretty dependent on me for a number of years, but he’s now in high school and works pretty independently.

The thing you want them to achieve is to enjoy learning and to be able to think analytically. That is what will get them through high school and eventually through college.

You have a hard job, which you didn’t choose and you can’t escape. PLUS, many LD parents do not have great school memories themselves, even if they were not technically ‘LD’. So give yourself a break!

When we mess up, we can ALWAYS return to sanity and model the way to ‘wipe up spilt milk’ instead of crying about it. You may have goofed and called names, etc, etc, but when you apologize and resolve to do better, you model something far more important than 100% avoidance of name calling — that no matter what MISTAKES we make, we can always apologize, make it better and move on. So give yourself a pat — you provided an excellent chance to teach your child how not to act, and how to make it better when he messes up! ‘That’s a GOOD thing!’

Best of best to you — please forgive yourself, and move on. It’s hard, but NOT to do so is worse even than using the ‘S’ word, for your child and for you.

aSHAMED, i KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. i HOME SCHOOL MY ld SON AND SOMETIMES i LOSE IT!! i JUST HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE AND COOL OFF. sOMETIMES LIKE TODAY, HE TAKES FOREVER TO DO 1 THING. hE TALKS INCESSANTLY ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN school and is up down up down. I just try to remind myself that I can’t do it all for him. He has got to help himself too. We can make it if we work together. Sometimes I really think he doesn’t try. Maybe it is frustrating to him but it is to us moms too. Good luck, Jan P. S. I didn’t know my caps were locked.Sorry!

As you can tell, you aren’t alone, nor are you the only one.

Can’t tell you how many times I “locked horns” with our 3rd grader. Took my wife/his mother to split us apart and “time out” to get things calm. :oops:

I’m ld, our boy is ld and the mix could make for some exciting arguments. Generally speaking, you wouldn’t find him stepping up and being the mature one, usually, it was me dropping down to elementary school age level. Nothing to be proud of, but the truth :shock:

Anyway, had to train hard to refrain from making comments… or at the very least, wander far enough away to be out of ear shot of everyone :o

He’s 21 now (I haven’t aged any) :lol: bottom line is, the issue hasn’t gone away. Still slip every once in a while, but for the most part we do ok.

The school battles are hard enough, the school struggle for your child is also hard enough, try to remember the priorities. If you weren’t getting mad, you probably wouldn’t be caring at all either. Try to find time to ground yourself. Take breaks from the homework and do stuff you both like for 10 or 20 minutes, then get back and hit the books again. That helped us a lot, and it motivated him to some focusing while doing the school work so we could look forward to the breaks.

Bottom line, you aren’t alone. Welcome to the human race, it’s a fast one! :roll:

Take care,

Andy

Me too! When my son was in third grade he learned a valuable trait how to push my buttons in zero point two. Well, those defense mechanisms don’t work anymore. I have learned patience. It was SO bad that he would wait for me to send him to his room where he could slam the door and put holes in the wall. It was safe in his room. He didn’t have to deal with me or do his homework. Honestly, we stopped doing and remedial work at home for about six months. He was exhausted when he came home and we were just pushing the buttons.

Well, he has matured. Okay! there are days when I haven’t. I now just check his homework and if he needs help I am there to clarify it for him. No, it did not happen overnight, okay four years. But, everything worth while takes time.

Yep! I am just like the rest of us on this board. We all work very hard and sometimes it becomes overwhelming.

Thanks for your replies. Part of the problem, frustration, is my own feeling isolated. It would be great to have a homework club of some sort, with other kids/parents of similar situation. I do not think (I hope) that I would act like this with someone else’s kid. And imagine that a teacher at school called my kid stupid, I’d slap her with a lawsuit. Ironic!

I’m wondering if much of the frustration is being in the wrong school (i.e. public school). Are you guys all in public schools with IEP’s? Would an LD private school be better suited for success, with work geared for the child’s need and ability?

Please keep up the dialogue!

:wink:

I have a hard time with this question and let me explain why, maybe others can voice their opinion to this. I work in the same public school district that my son’s attend as a para pro. If you think that this would get them anything extra without an argument you are incorrect.

I had to meet with the Assistant superintendent of curriculum this summer to get my seventh grade son removed from an inclusive math class to a regular education class (no! inclusivity). I started E-mailing the administration in May and it took until August to get this resolved. I feel that (generalization) if we as parents don’t stay on top of the district our students will fall through the cracks.

I work with students whose parents don’t come to conferences or IEP’s and have been asked not to contact them unless their student is hurt. I only can pray and hope that the time that our staff spends with them will increase their chances of survival and give them the skills they need.

I believe that the squeaky oil gets the wheel, but you must also, almost be your own private investigator in these situations. The reason I say this is because when you request something you must have thought out what they are going to suggest or offer. Then you have to plan that you have all your information in a row. Doctors notes, teacher notes, etc., Most of the teachers I work with are out to help their students. You have to remember with States changing funding it makes the teachers, staff, buildings, and districts look good if your child is succeeding. Yep! it comes down to money.

If you have uncooperative teachers with the homework, I would discuss it with the teachers (copies of E-mails work wonders). Then discuss it with the building principal. My next step would be the administrator who takes care of special ed procedures. I think people forget the I in IEP. What is best for the individual.

You are not alone and the population of special education is always growing. In our area there is a special education support group for parents, do you have something like that available?

Look at this situation as you are the only advocate for your child. You will find people to help you. It’s a hard road with out a specific path built into it. Good Luck!

Sadly, yes, I’ve been there too. I have to confess that I yelled at my son. As the homework load got heavier and heavier - and he could less and less of it independently - and as my own nightly work load got heavier as well - I gave in to yelling - and sometimes very loud. Some of us act out our frustrations - others of us yell them out.

Fortunately my son and only in the 6th grade recognized that I wasn’t really yelling at him - I was yelling at the situation. He suggested (!) we work out a different way for me to vent my frustrations with homework. He said, “I know you’re really yelling at the homework and not at me but when I’m in the room, it still feels like you’re yelling at me. Could we set up code words for you to use when you’re really upset that won’t make me feel like I’m getting yelled at?”

So we decided to choose really nice code words - the names of flowers - so when I got upset, I could say “Buttercup, I can’t believe how long this is taking” or “Morning glory, you put these papers away in the binder while I look up what this teacher might possibly mean by ‘evangelization of the masses’ and try to figure out how to explain that to you.”

I can’t say I never yelled at my son again but I never yelled at him about school again. School and how we do it is what’s stupid - not our children.

Yes, sometimes having to help a child with LD is very hard. I’ve found myself getting frustrated with my son. He’ll look at me and say “You don’t have to get mad at me”, (He is 8 yrs. old). I’ll apologize to him, take a deep breath and start again. Have Patience and prayer and determination. That’s what is helping me. :oops:

[quote]Sara: “Fortunately my son and only in the 6th grade recognized that I wasn’t really yelling at him - I was yelling at the situation. He suggested (!) we work out a different way for me to vent my frustrations with homework.”

Beachkid: “I’ve found myself getting frustrated with my son. He’ll look at me and say “You don’t have to get mad at me”, (He is 8 yrs. old). I’ll apologize to him, take a deep breath and start again.”[/quote]

My son also seems to be more understanding than I am also. These kids are quite smart!!

A lot of my (displaced) anger is with the school. I think the school must provide work that is suited to the child, that the child CAN do. Don’t forget how the child must be frustrated and feel badly as well.

I’m not a parent, but I can tell you all that if you have a good relationship with your kid then your kid will not be harmed by you making mistakes. We are all human and make them. I’m not saying it’s a great idea or anything. But I imagine I was a frustrating kid and all. I remember my dad being a yeller and being a bit scared of him, but not that well. My dad is deceased. Those things are not at all important to me any more. My mom has lost a lot of her memory and cognitive abilities. I don’t remember that she yelled, though I’m sure that she did. It makes no difference at all.

Come on mom, you’re human and make mistakes. Your kid will forgive you. Just forgive yourself.

—des

Just want to add my support to you too. I just wrote you a lengthier reply, but didn’t log in first and it’s gone. Hang in there.

I think all of us can relate to this. I’m definitely not the perfect parent either. Sometimes I get frustrated too and I’ve said things like, “Well, if you just practiced reading more it wouldn’t be so hard!” As if it’s his fault!!! Afterwards I had to explain, I know it’s really difficult for you, and that’s okay. Somehow we’re just going to work hard and wade through all this together. I really try to pace things. Even though work takes longer, I make sure he gets breaks and then it’s back to work. Keeping to a good schedule, taking breaks and then lots and lots of positive reinforcement seems to help (if the work is really hard I give incentives too! Like going out for ice cream after he finishes a difficult report).

One thing that makes it difficult too is dealing with the feeling that school teachers and parent helpers in the classroom assume we’re just “bad parents” and don’t work enough with our kids. That can be a difficult feeling. I live in an affluent area with very competitive public schools. The parents here push their kids and like to talk about how wonderfully their children are doing in school.
I think it’s nice they are proud of their children, but sometimes I’ve felt a little out of place. And a few times I’ve had to listen to a parent complain about the kids who are “holding the class up” academically — knowing they’re complaining about my kid!!!

Boy, have I ever been there and done that.

We’re a family of yellers. Maybe not good, but it’s something you have to deal with.
I have worked very hard on it and am a lot better about this; I also prefer to work in private tutoring rather than in school systems which raise the frustration level too high. Haven’t yelled at anyone (except the credit card office) in several months.

When my daughter was quite small, I realized that I had a person in my house who inherited a lot of the family traits, both bad and good. Verbally gifted but couldn’t write, cheerful and pleasant but hyperactive and didn’t believe in sleep ever, a sensitive person but pig-headed is far too mild a word.
After a number of battles I decided to save WW3 for the life and death issues. We got a lot of funny looks but for *us* it worked.
She put herself to bed when she was tired — at around 10PM from age 5 up. OK, she needed less sleep than the average five-year-old, this was clear; better go to bed willingly at 10 than fight for two hours from 8 to 10. She ate what she wanted when she wanted and I constantly was trying to feed her more doughnuts — she was underweight; she has grown up liking broccoli and spinach and she is the only person in the entire family without a weight problem. The hand coordination and inability to write was a real problem in school; I fought for her with the school when necessary and left her to deal with the day by day issues in her own way.

This didn’t stop the yelling, but reduced it greatly.
I do also apologize, even to a little kid, when I have gone over the line.

We are a very long way from perfect and she is going through a bad time right now, but as I look around at other family members and people we know, she’s a pretty good success as a person and stands up well to the comparison. One success is that so far she is not a yeller — I may have broken the chain, or at least weakened it a bit.

All you can do is your best. Don’t let people make you feel guilty for your best efforts.

“The parents here push their kids and like to talk about how wonderfully their children are doing in school.
I think it’s nice they are proud of their children, but sometimes I’ve felt a little out of place. And a few times I’ve had to listen to a parent complain about the kids who are “holding the class up” academically — knowing they’re complaining about my kid!!!”[quote]

….boy have I been there! Nothing worse than standing there hearing moms go on about their kids’ activities, how great they are doing, etc., while your activities are shuttling back and forth to tutors, therapists, school meetings, etc.

I do not like to hear them complain about the sped kids,but, in a way they are right. Having kids like ours who need more time and attention, and a different approach, having them mixed in with the high flyers and fast learners makes the class go too FAST for them, and nobody is getting the right style and pace of education. I asked my principal once why grammar was not taught regularly, and she said it would bore some children to have to sit there and listen to a grammar lesson again and again.

This is why I need this forum. I found it 3 1/2 years ago and have stayed. I am an academic. Most of my colleagues’ kids are in gifted programs. My child is doing well, compared to where he was several years ago, but he may always struggle to be “average”. I don’t have any problem with that—for him, to be average, is a great accomplishment. But you do feel out of place when your colleagues are complaining about little Johnny’s scores going down from 99 to 97 on standardized tests.

I also remember attending open house last year. All these moms were complaining about the work being too easy while my child was barely making it. And I know that my child routinely takes up much more than his fair share of a teacher’s time. I don’t feel bad about it. He needs it. I have two other children who do not. And they do just fine without it. Not all children need the same amount of attention to suceed.

I might have been just like those parents had I not had a child with learning disabilities.

Beth