Frustration and shutdowns

With a school environment this hostile, even if you become the “mother from h3ll” it’s unlikely any changes you get will be sufficient to create a nurturing learning environment for your son.

I chose to invest my energy and time directly into my daughter by means of homeschooling, and this has paid off big time in terms of her academic advancement. Had I spent an equivalent amount of time and energy trying to get her school to meet her needs, she probably would have survived instead of thrived. And our school situation was much more supportive than yours.

Mary

I have a student who, for his own set of reasons, shuts down now. My student cries at the least thing. We need to stop class and comfort him at least once in every class.

I have small class sizes and wonderful students who are patient at these moments but not every teacher does. Teachers are often people who feel pressured to get through a certain amount of material every day and they have trouble when they can’t do it.

Is he disruptive in any way? What does he do when he “shuts down”? That’s important to know to offer suggestions.

The only thing I can think of is… does he have to be graded? My colleagues when asked to allow a student to work at his own pace often respond, “How will we grade him? We won’t know what grade to give him in relation to the others!”

Once we had a student who had been removed from his parents for abuse. Understandably he feel apart and couldn’t do any work. The only way to get his teachers to ease up on him nevertheless was to have them not grade him.
Oh, if I don’t have to give him grades, fine. He can sit quietly and work at his own pace then.”

It’s hard to obtain but maybe if they did not have to award him grades on report cards, it might help them to feel more free to let him work at his own pace.

I’m just another mom, but my experience with our dyslexic/dysgraphic child has some similarities. Our son is a highly sensitive child and blows any criticism way out of proportion. Over time, he seemed to have adopted this (unspoken) strategy: “The teacher and the other children can’t criticize my work if I don’t write things down.” My interpretation: “They might not like my behavior, but at least they won’t think I’m stupid because I can’t spell and I can’t write legibly. And if I’m not faced with my own work, I won’t see how stupid I am.” Our son truly believed he was stupid even though his IQ is quite high.

Yes, it’s avoidance. But it isn’t rooted in laziness. It is rooted in a lack of self-confidence and a fear of being criticized.

Can a guidance counselor or school psychologist get involved and make some suggestions? Attend your next IEP? These teachers need to understand the underlying psychological concerns. But, unfortunately, in my experience, teachers who don’t get this intuitively aren’t going to get it when someone else explains it to them either. One teacher told me she had in her 30 year career, at most, one hour of training on working with kids with disabilities. No wonder they don’t get it.

Any chance your child is dysgraphic (struggles with the mental/physical process of writing)? Our child made some progress when we got an addition to the IEP to accommodate for dysgraphia by having someone scribe on our child’s behalf. Then he started doing the work because he could concentrate on ideas and not the physical struggle of the writing process. And I scribed for him on his homework. Also, some kids suddenly get motivated if they are allowed to type their work into an portable Alphasmart keyboard (but ours couldn’t type any better than he could write).

We have some good years and some bad depending on the teacher. Is swapping out to another teacher a possibility? Some have been understanding and compassionate and he would flourish. Some have been rigid and insensitive and set him back to ground zero (sounds like this is what you have). Things seem better for our son in middle school - only has to make it one hour with a particular teacher and then he escapes to the next class. His middle school teachers have almost all been supportive. Compared to his elementary school experience, it’s a dream.

Patty, is your son in a public or private school? If it public, investigating your options for private and/or Christian schools in your area is advisable. There is a program called Discoveries which is a one on one learning therapy that is used in many Christian schools. Our daughter has been in this program since last spring, and it is fantastic. Students spend an hour an da half 2-3 times a week with the instructor and the rest of the time with their regular class. This avenue could be very beneficial for both you and your son. If this is not a posibility available, homeschooling is about your only other option. It sounds like the school, including the teacher, are not willing to do their job for one reason or another. Futhermore, it sounds like your son is receiving the brunt of the teachers frustration (or whatever it is that is causing her to act in this manner towards your son or any other child for that matter). In an atomsphere that is not conducive to learning for your child as his parent, it is up to you to be his advocate. Even if that means being the “mom from h3ll”, finding another school that is willing and able to to meet your son’s needs or you becoming his teacher by homeschooling. I wish you the best in this very difficult struggle.

Another mom, You’re lucky that middle school is turning out better. That’s when it can get progressively worse because all too many teachers there have even less experience with LD kids than the elem. teachers.

Re “But, unfortunately, in my experience, teachers who don’t get this intuitively aren’t going to get it when someone else explains it to them either”. I think that comment is unfortunately all too true. Or, rather, they’d (maybe) get it if they were sent to many weeks of workshops and had a principal who really encouraged them to practice their newfound skills. The fact is, all too many teachers simply aren’t trained to work with kids with LD’s. They think it’s merely a matter of motivation and so they view the child’s attitude as the problem rather than the setting and their own place within it.

Does the school principal get involved? This issue actually sounds like it’s one that goes beyond the borders of your son’s relationship with his teacher. Obviously, he’s not the only child who has trouble in school. The prevailing attitude from the top down is important and you’re not going to be able to resolve this without the help of the principal since even with a psychologist’s letter, nothing’s improved.

This teacher feels threatened by your son’s attitude because she doesn’t know how to respond. She’s feeling defensive about her program in the face of his inability to be successful within it. In my opinion, the best way to handle that is by compromise. You can let the teacher know you’re willing to work with your son on his attitude (is he receiving counseling to help him deal with his frustrations?) even if it’s something you’re already doing, but request her help in continuing the process by her being consistent with the system you’ve set in place with the psychologist. She may feel you’re meeting her halfway. She might need really concrete steps outlined for her in working with him. Again, they’d best come from the psychologist.

Good luck. You have a tough situation. If it’s at all possible for him to move to another class, I’d go for it.

just a few years ago, CAPD was virtually unrecognized in this country, and your child with language disorder and ADHD would have been labeled “autistic” and written off as a lost cause.

CAPD can often be effectively treated using AIT. Canada is ahead of us in this regard.

Have you also looked into testing your child for toxic metal exposure or looked into dietary intervention? Both can greatly aggravate verbal skills and also increase ADHD conditions. Not all children are helped by these types of interventions, but many are, and it is worth investigating.

Expect the teachers to maintain their stance. Unfortunately, many (like people in all walks of life) take things personally that they shouldn’t and also have a great deal of trouble thinking outside the box.

Good luck to you!

My son is in public school. Homeschooling for now is not an option, however we are getting to believe that soon it will be the only way he will get an education. Last year when he was in the resource room, he shut down on a daily basis. This year it has been only 2 times since school started, but again they didn’t follow through with the plans for what to do when it happens. They are blaming him, instead of understanding why the shut downs occur.

The school is taking the stance its our sons fault he isn’t getting an education. They are doing their part (in their eyes). Every suggestion from the psychologist has brought defensiveness and arguements on how they already do that, he (my son) just isn’t “getting it”.

We asked for AIT for his CAPD, this school doesn’t have the facilities, or the experienced personnel to do it. We could move him to another school in the district, and take over his transportation to and from, however the school is resisting the move.

The more we try to work with the school, the more the teacher gets defensive. I got lectured yesterday after the IEP meeting for not meeting my teachers needs, by pushing her too hard because she isn’t a trained special ed teacher. What about my sons needs, what about what HE isn’t getting because she isn’t what he needs? I feel totally worthless myself here, and sitting here crying isn’t helping.

Patty,

Ask the school to perform a functional behavioral assessment. If you ask, they must do it. These assessments, if done properly, look at the circumstances that lead to undesirable behavior, in the hope of understanding how to curb it. There is always a reason for the ways people behave. Often behaviors allow a child either to avoid that which he perceives is difficult or to get the attention he craves. My son used to shut down in school when confronted with an assignment that he believed he could not complete perfectly. He would rather be bad than be wrong or stupid. Because he had (then-undiagnosed) ADHD, he lacked the ability to stick with things that seemed too hard or too boring. We tried lots of things, but, in the end what really made the difference was medicating him for his inattentive ADHD. By allowing him to persevere on hard tasks, the medication opened the door for him to experience at first small, but increasingly greater successes. Now he rarely shuts down because he feels more confident that he is able to do things. He went from non-participation to straight As. I don’t mean this as an advertisement for medication. To the contrary, my point is that you have to understand the root of the behavior before you can know what to do about it. An FBA is a good place to start.

Andrea

Are there any private schools for learning disabled children near you? I have a child who has very similar problems (CAPD, ADD inattentive, SI issues). After 3 years (K, 1, and 2) in public school with an IEP in place and teachers with the best intentions, I came around to believing that most of the progress he was making was from all the private intervention (fast forward, phonographix, occupational therapy) he was receiving outside the school day. His social life was not great either. Homeschooling was not an option, as both my husband and I work full-time. At first I was very resistant to the idea of isolating him from the mainstream, but after visiting some LD schools and seeing his comfort level and observing the students, I became much more comfortable with the idea. We moved him to a school for children with learning disabilities over a year ago and he is doing so much better, both academically and socially. He has 8 children in his class and two teachers, both trained in special ed, and he receives OT and speech language during his school day. The class also has a social skills period, which has been helpful for my son to overcome his shyness and lack of eye contact with unfamiliar people. He is learning at his own pace and the teachers have a good handle on his academic and social strengths and weaknesses. He has started making friends and having play dates. I know that inclusion is currently being promoted as the way to go, but it often doesn’t work very well in practice. It didn’t work well at all for my son. It doesn’t sound like it is working well for yours.

Patty, the school has a responsibility to implement an IEP which works. If it is not working the TEAM needs to attend to why it is not. Unfortunately there are still teachers who like to blame the victim. Don’ t give up your fight. I have seen more improvement in schools because a parent fought for his/her child. Try not to get caught up in not respecting the teacher. It is our job to disagree when we feel things are not right, but we need to be careful not to reject the teacher. You could get a knowledgeable advocate or consultant to could look at your case an decide if your are making reasonable requests. It is hard for us sometime to look objectively at our own kids. While we are right often, sometimes we are wrong. It is hard being a parent of a special needs student, especially one who is as complicated as you describe. Hang in there your child is worth it. Al