teenager in denial

:Hello Jazz MomI see some of the strengths of you and your son already. I love jazz too. Here are some resources that might help. These websites are great www.ldteens.org www.hellofriend.com/index.html This is the site that celebrates the wonderful like of the late Ennis Cosby. Since music is a wonderful part of your family’s life, think about linking your son up with a college musician or an musician that might live in your area. People with ADD have gifts in areas such as music. They are very creative. This person could really help your son deal with things like conformity, hormones, and music. You could call the music dept. of a local college and find some super kids that might not helping a bright young man like your son. I hope that things work out. Keep up the melody.I would appreciate advice from someone with more experience than I.
: My middle school child knows he has ADD and sort-of grasps the
: idea of his non-verbal learning disability, but he doesn’t want
: accommodations because he doesn’t want to be seen as
: “different”. Yah, we have had talks about how it’s ok,
: and every one has issues, etc etc etc, but he’s in middle school
: and it’s all about conformity now. He won’t even tell other kids
: he likes jazz better than hip hop! Take 1 dose conformity + 1 dose
: teenage hormones = denial, anger, etc. His grades are dropping,
: and it’s ok to have a tutor at home, but no changes at school that
: anyone will notice. To sum up a long-winded request, any ideas on
: how to get a teen to work WITH his issues? big thanks jazzmom

: How does he feel about his grades dropping? Is he ok with that? Won’t that ultimately make him different or single him out? Or what kind of grades do his friends get?My middle school students ruthlessly tell each other their grades. Those who don’t do well try to melt into the wall around grade time to avoid telling their grades. Won’t he have those moments?If not, then there’s little to do except get him tutoring at home. Perhaps you could find a teacher who would find ways to help him at school that could go unnoticed by others. Perhaps you could keep your ear to the ground and hear of other children who receive accomodations and modifications.My own son who has learning differences felt the unfairness of school so much and wanted to do well so that he was quite willing to accept any and all help offered. He hated having to sit in a test and feel rushed through it as he couldn’t keep up with the reading fast enough to complete the test in the normal time.It may be that as your son’s grades continue to drop, he’ll start to feel the unfairness too and be willing to have the rules changed a bit for him to make it more fair.Good luck.I would appreciate advice from someone with more experience than I.
: My middle school child knows he has ADD and sort-of grasps the
: idea of his non-verbal learning disability, but he doesn’t want
: accommodations because he doesn’t want to be seen as
: “different”. Yah, we have had talks about how it’s ok,
: and every one has issues, etc etc etc, but he’s in middle school
: and it’s all about conformity now. He won’t even tell other kids
: he likes jazz better than hip hop! Take 1 dose conformity + 1 dose
: teenage hormones = denial, anger, etc. His grades are dropping,
: and it’s ok to have a tutor at home, but no changes at school that
: anyone will notice. To sum up a long-winded request, any ideas on
: how to get a teen to work WITH his issues? big thanks jazzmom

Based on my experiences in middle school, I do not see that your son is in denial, I see that he is being realistic. When I was in 7th grade, other kids beat me up, kicked me, spit on me, shoved me into lockers and trash cans, threw me from moving cars, and I was set on fire in the girls bathroom in 4th grade and 7th grade. When I was not being tormented by my peers, I was suicidal and I made my first attempt in 7th grade. It is a very difficult age to be, and at that time I did not know why I was different from other kids or why they always seemed to torment me. Now I am graduated from university and I have discovered that I am Asperger. This is not ADD like your son, but I think my experiences might be similar to what your son might be afraid of. If he is so concerned about conformity and his friends, you should listen to him. It might be the standard conformity issues of that age, but maybe he is starting to get this type of treatment already, and he wants to conform to avoid further mistreatment. Tell your son you understand his desire to not be treated differently at school, and you will accept his desire to have tutoring and other help at home, but he has to make the effort also, to learn “to work with his issues” as you say, with the extra help at home. If he can improve his grades to an acceptable level, then you will continue to keep the extra help to home after school hours. But if his motivation lags and his grades continue to fall, then you will have to reconsider requesting the school to provide assistance during school hours. If he is so concerned about conformity and his friends, this should provide him with adequate motivation, because you are respecting his desires and you are willing to try it his way and let him succeed or fail on his terms, before doing something that he does not want. If you first do something that he does not want, it may contribute to increased negative treatment by peers, or at least it might provide a disincentive for him to make an effort, and his grades will continue to fall because he may not care anymore because he will think you do not care about his opinion on the best way to handle this.It is hard because the school year is more than half completed now, but I would say try it his way first, give it a month or two to see how he is progressing, then evaluate if you should try something else. And definitely tell him that it is up to him to improve his grades doing it his way, or you will have to reconsider doing it your way. Give him control but with consequences, keeping the ultimate goal of academic performance as well as the conformity he desires.Good luck.

We went through this with my daughter, who was diagnosed in 6th grade with NVLD. She was, unfortunately, placed on a regular team, because the elementary school had not notified them of potential problems (long story, long fight with principal, no diagnosis, no help). At the time they diagnosed her, they determined that her emotional status would make it very touchy to move her to the “resource team.” We kept her in her regular class, where she was the only child with accommodations like hers (there were some kids with 504’s, but their accommodations weren’t obvious—she was the only one who needed some of the things she needed). We moved her to ther “resource team” halfway through the year—her new team was a regular ed team, with a variety of kids, but only two teachers, and 7 kids with IEP’s, all of whom went to resource room during the day, as a group. (On the other team, she had to have resource after school, and she was exhausted by 2:30—it wasn’t working out). The kids had a variety of accommodations, too, some needing calculators, some needing to use the computer for written work, some needing note-takers, etc. She was not alone, she was not the only one, and the whole team was used to some kids getting something different, so it was no issue—it was also the exact same curriculum that was being taught on the other teams, so they lost nothing by being on this team. It was the best move we ever made. When she needed a calculator for her math tests, she actually took it—on the old team, she would hand it back to the teacher, for fear of the other kids saying it was no fair. When she was doing a writing assignment, she and a couple of other kids were simply directed to the computers—she was not alone. To be fair to her old team, the kids weren’t making an issue of it, generally. There were a couple of very nasty kids, one in particular, who would shout out, when he saw her with a calculator, “Hey, no fair! She’s CHEATING!!” Another boy repeatedly told her she couldn’t print, she had to use cursive, and the teacher was going to be very upset. She didn’t have the gumption to tell these kids to mind their own business, and she became depressed. Most of teh kids were simply curious, particularly about her computer requirement (they actually thought it was cool)—to which she answered that she had a visual problem, and needed the omputer—but she was embarrassed (the problem was visual-motor integration, but she didn’t want to tell them that—she figured other kids needed glasses, so saying it was a visual problem wouldn’t be such a big deal). The kids were not harping on her—most of them. But those two kids made her miserable. They brought her differences to everybody’s attention—so we moved her to a place where the kids were used to differences, where they were simply accepted as what some kids needed—it had been that way since the beginning of the year, and it was no big deal. Very different classroom dynamic. Also, the teachers were prepared for IEP’s, were used to keeping track of the different needs of each of their LD students, and I have to say, they were much more matter-of-fact about the whole thing. Two of the three teachers on her old team seemed to make such a big deal out of this one kid who needed something that wasn’t easily handled, that required a little more prep time. One teacher was fabulous, and very successful. But I couldn’t have her getting 1/3 of an education. Anyway, bottom line was, she ended up in a group where she wasn’t so different. Three kids in her class had to have something different—this wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t brought to anybody’s attention. At resource time, or at test time when she had to go to resource for the test, she had buddies to go with her. She didn’t feel so much like an outcast. I consider that the turning point for her in her adjusting to being an adolescent with LD’s. She’s been in resource teams since then. She’s had trouble with a teacher or two, who shouldn’t have been teaching the resource team (7th grade was not a good year), but this year, in 8th grade, she has the greatest bunch of teachers I’ve ever met. AND she has buddies who still accompany her to resource, and also take their calculators and computers. I think it’s a matter of the kid not feeling like the only one. The teachers can be patient and understanding, but I think the school should be careful when scheduling the kids, and make sure there isn’t one kid who sticks out like a sore thumb. I’m thrilled with her high school for next year. I’ve met with one of the resource people, who assured me that they do try to have the resource/IEP/LD kids in classes with others who need extras. They found it’s much easier for the kids to go ahead and take their help when they don’t feel like “freaks.” Any way you could suggest a set-up like this to your son’s school? I really see that it works, and my daughter’s self-esteem is intact, and she’s feeling successful. Most important, she sees that being different isn’t so different. That there are other kids who need extras, and it’s OK to take them. I also have to give credit to the schools—the resource/IEP/LD kids are not generally picked on—there are a few in every crowd (and funny, the boy who made such a big deal of her calculator has a 504 plan—I know his mother—and he gets accommodations himself—he picks on her to make himself feel better). I hope things work out for your son. It’s a big adjustment, adolescence is hard, but there are ways to get things done, and for him to feel that it really is OK.: I would appreciate advice from someone with more experience than I.
: My middle school child knows he has ADD and sort-of grasps the
: idea of his non-verbal learning disability, but he doesn’t want
: accommodations because he doesn’t want to be seen as
: “different”. Yah, we have had talks about how it’s ok,
: and every one has issues, etc etc etc, but he’s in middle school
: and it’s all about conformity now. He won’t even tell other kids
: he likes jazz better than hip hop! Take 1 dose conformity + 1 dose
: teenage hormones = denial, anger, etc. His grades are dropping,
: and it’s ok to have a tutor at home, but no changes at school that
: anyone will notice. To sum up a long-winded request, any ideas on
: how to get a teen to work WITH his issues? big thanks jazzmom