Adults w/ LD

Are you sure that it’s LD alone? The way you describe her makes it sound as if there’s emotional disturbance as well.

There IS a type of LD that affects one’s dealings with other people, known as nonverbal LD. It affects the ability to understand and process the nonverbal realm (the opposite of dyslexia). One’s ability to read body language, the ability to pick up the nonverbal rules of socialization, and motor and visual-motor skills are all affected. Does your sister always have to be told how to behave and how to relate to others because she doesn’t pick it up by watching others? If the answer is yes, she might have NLD.

Again, though, judging from your remarks, it sounds as though there’s something more at play here. Those of us with NLD make social gaffes not out of a spirit of meanness or any desire to embarrass or inflict pain, but because we have difficulty figuring out what the right thing to do is. NLDers really try to do the right thing, but because of their nonverbal deficits, so often say or do the wrong thing, and are really sorry when they realize they’ve done something wrong.

If your sister says those things you described because she enjoys hurting you, then something else is at play. What it is, I have no idea—maybe she’s maladjusted. I don’t know. I’m not a trained special educator or psychologist, so I have no good advice to give. Would you give some more details of what’s going on so we can give better suggestions and feedback?

Yours truly,
Kathy G.

I’m not quite sure that I can help you. One generalization is that she tends to take things literally. You know how sometimes you say something that’s sarcastic (say at the Oscars, you’d say “that’s a nice dress” when the dress is in fact hideous) or tongue in cheek? She doesn’t seem to understand that sometimes. Also she doesn’t seem to understand abstract things (saying “I’m going to Atlanta this summer” brings demands to know when, often as if it was a police interrogation).

Another problem, perhaps related, perhaps not, is that she doesn’t stand for any other opinions but hers. So, if she has an idea in her head that X is a wonderful part of the country to live in and you (without knowing that) say “I think that Y is just a great place to live in,” she’ll accuse me of being negative or trying to overrule her or something. She’s always been a bit of a drama queen, but this seems excessive. My friends and I (and other family members) can discuss things like books, movies, jobs, etc. without having to have identical opinions and without getting screamed at for daring to diverge from what one person thinks is right.

I’ve just stopped speaking to her on the phone because I just can’t take it anymore. I have let her know (in letters, through mom, etc.) that I would love to correspond with her (I think the contemplative nature of writing would take out the anger, etc. or at least give her a chance to correct outbursts).

From my perspective, no one will tell me why she does this, she has never appologized, and no one seems to have sympathy for me (there were just two of us, so I have had the brunt of her outbursts since she’s been having them).

If there were some way to de-trigger her, I’d try it. But I can’t think of anything more than starting with writing letters and seeing how it goes from there. I don’t think that she cares much for writing though, but I just don’t know what else works.

Hi Bonita:

I can’t really answer this from the point of view of LD — but I worry about YOU.

It is not necessary for you to support this sister by allowing her behaviour. It may be that she can’t help it — but you can be allowed to avoid it, without feeling guilty. You are her sibling, not her parent, and even her (your) parents are entitled to avoid the abuse. I do agree with the other poster that this sounds like far more than LD, though.

Sometimes you have to put yourself first. It is a hard thing to do, but you can draw a line between accepting abuse and interacting with her. It sounds like you are being pretty honest, fair, and caring already, and it isn’t having much effect.

My best guess would be to keep trying to explain to her how you feel — but walk away from the behaviour, just as Alanon members are taught to do. If types of interaction, or times, occur when she is better, then focus on those times.

In reading my post I find I haven’t said much that is helpful — but I wish I could help. Maybe reading some of the advice for families of schizophrenics would help, not that I am trying to dx her but because they also must deal with bizarre behaviour and aggression, and perhaps there will be some helpful suggestions. Alanon publications might be useful also, tho I realize she is not an alcoholic. Still,she has unpredictable, aggressive behaviour similar to that exhibited by alcoholics. Just look for suggestions that make sense to you, and use trial (and error, I’m afraid!)

Nothing is fair when someone gets a raw deal in life. You are entitled to make the best of YOUR deal, without feeling guilty that she got a worse deal than you did, in many ways.

Just my opinion…best wishes to you.

Your sister sounds like she is Asperger. Takes things literally, cannot see abstractions, very time/place sensitive, detail oriented, no concept of appropriate social behavior, not understanding another person’s point of view, etc.

If you think this will help [because you know your sister better than I do], write down EXACTLY the things she does that bother you, like the explicit sexual questions or the interrogation about going places, etc. Writing is better than talking, because she won’t feel as threatened, and will be able to consider your words on her own time schedule. Be very specific, and say how they make you feel. Then something very specific like you want very much to spend time with her and talk with her etc, but when she does THESE things, it makes you NOT want to talk/spend time, etc, and if she continues to do THESE things, then you will STOP spending time with her etc. But end with the statement that you do not WANT to end your relationship, but you see no other choice if she is not willing to modify her behavior. This might help her at least see that you are not happy with her behavior, and she then has the choice whether or not to decide if she wants to improve herself in those areas. If you are not specific, she may or may not see the issues. Remember, she may decide she does not care to have a relationship with you. Or she may want to but have no idea how to do it, in which case you will have to talk with her and make suggestions like “instead of saying THIS, what about saying THIS”, or “if you start with THIS, I will say THIS, which will be our code for telling you that you need to stop and think of something else”, something like that.

You can check out this site, very good information on Asperger Syndrome. I hope you can find something there to help you.

http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/index.html

Bottom line tho, you are not obligated to maintain a relationship with her, except to be courteous and civil to her, she does deserve to be treated with respect. But being her sister does not mean you are obligated to be her friend.

Thanks, everyone. You sound like my friends, who are all sad that this happens. I’ve used the alcoholic analogy before to explain who she acts (like a mean drunk) to people who, like me, don’t quite understand what’s going on. Some friends and my boyfriend say that while she may have had learning problems when she was young, it’s possible that she may just be a bitch.

I checked out some of the Asperger’s sites. Some of what they say sounds awfully familiar, like talking AT instead of TO people. My sister will call up (often at odd times or to my work #) just to unload on some anger she’s feeling and not to talk at all. Any reluctance to listed and totally agree meets with accusations and being hung up on. I know from talking to relatives that she will go down a preference list when she does this (I am choice 2 or 3).

I do wonder if it’s really Asperger’s since she is otherwise pretty high functioning (high school, college, etc.). She does not have many friends and never really dated before briefly dating her now-husband. I am pretty sure that she keeps the extremes of behavior to herself, but I’m not sure how much of this her acquaintance-type friends and husband sees (we don’t live close to each other and I don’t know him very well because of that, although if I were closer to my sister, I would likely know him better AND not be having this grief — Vicious Cycle!).

Thanks again, and I’ll keep looking for clues and hints.

Bonita

I’m new to the board and I am not sure if I can help you, since my daughter is LD, with aggressive behavior, which just recently diagnosed, but I am not even sure if she has that. But the reason why I was messaging to you, was my daughter did some of the samethings you had mentioned about the sexual parts. My daughter hasn’t done anything like that anymore, since I made her tell her teacher what she had been doing. But I was at my last hope on what to do. I didn’t want a baby in my house. As far as I know this has helped my daughter alot, by telling her teacher, which is a male figure, and I am single. And she goes to special Ed, and in the 8th grade, will be in the 9th grade. But all of the sexual stuff happened, way before this, and the outburst, was happening really bad. It has stopped somewhat now, but that is only because I have made her tell her teacher. My family didn’t want to hear it either, and if I gave up on her, I would be the bad person in it all. I got into a real bad arugument with my older sibling about all this, and she tried to take control of everything. But in the end, I am not close to my older Sib, but we are slowly getting back on track. I guess what I am saying is, Don’t give up on your Sibling so easiy. I wished I had a close relationship with my older sister, but since that arugment about my daughter, (Which all I wanted to do was get my daughter help) it has not been the same at all.
I finally did get her some help and she is doing some what better, than she was. There is more to this story, so if you want to email me you may. I didn’t want to take up anymore space on the board. I didn’t know if I could or not. I didn’t even know there was other learning disabilities. This is the first time on here, and I am sure learning alot. I have LD myself. I didn’t find out till I was in my Thirties….
Thanks for listening…
Debbie

Definitely look into the Asperger’s stuff — I understand that many AS people are extremely high-functioning, so that may be it.

The idea of writing a very specific letter — this action bothers me, this is what behaviour would be acceptable instead, this is what I will do if you act unacceptably — is a very good one. Edit it and pull out as much of the emotion as you can and keep it short and direct. If she is AS a clear simple recipe may help. If she has other problems it will just go over her head, or maybe make her mad enough to leave you alone.

I also have a very difficult relative, and have had to learn to separate myself from the situation — very difficult — and then to separate myself from a lifetime of guilt — almost impossible, but you can at least learn to see when the guilt recording is playing and to stop letting it run you.

Yes, it would be nice to have normal family relations. Given a choice between no family relations and a relationship that is damaging your life and career, no relationship is the lesser evil. Stop listening to the guilt recording.

I also find that, having learned all my life to cope with a certain kind of difficult people, I attract the same type as boyfriends, ex-husband, etc. Again, if this happens to you, learn to separate yourself from the guilt and the feeling of responsibility.

I have to agree with the others that indicate that this may be more than LD going on. I had two brothers that sound a lot like your sister. It took me a long time to realize I didn’t have to take that abuse. I suffered a lot of criticism when I chose not to suffer their abusive behavior anymore from those that felt that they had no choice, but I didn’t see how placing myself and my family in harms way was helping my brothers.

Like you, I made excuses for their behavior and tried to overlook it. Our family walked on eggshells and lived in fear. All efforts to get them help failed because one would pitch screaming fits for hours on end, start a fire in the basement or tear locked doors off their hinges (he was the physically abusive one, although verbal abuse was well in his repertoire), and the other (the verbally abusive one) simply would retreat into sullen silence, load his shotgun, glare at you and wouldn’t say a thing. My brothers were scary people.

Get your sister help if you can, but if she won’t go or can’t change her behavior that doesn’t mean that you have to indulge it. You can still love her, yet have a life apart from her. You can be honest with her about why that is. Losing you may encourage her to get help. You can always reconcile later if things change.

I know how hard this is. Even though I’ve walked away, it still hurts that I was treated that way even after all these years. Good luck to you. My prayers with you.