Communicating w/ LD adult (in-law to boot!

Make sure when you are talking to her that she is facing you. She may have a type of auditory processing problem or zoning in and out of conversations due to ADD. Do a lot of reflective listening with her to help her understand what she is missing. If she responds inappropriately to a statement, you could look at her and ask her in a question format, Did you think I said this and repeat back what she said…if she said yes then say, I meant to say this and rephrase what you said in a pleasant manner. She is probably scrambling to keep up with people and feels as much pressure as you do in communicating which would explain why she get’s upset and thinks people are playing jokes on her.

There are many different kinds of LD, and what would be helpful with one won’t help with another.

It rather sounds as if your SIL might have CAPD (central auditory processing disorder). This can cause difficulty with socialization, difficulty participating in groups discussions, difficulty understanding oral directions, and is often associated with difficulty learning to read, and sometimes dysgraphia (difficulty with writing). An auditory trainer might be helpful to her (if she would wear it). To find out for sure, she would need to get an evaluation by an audiologist who specializes in CAPD. You can find these at http://pages.cthome.net/cbristol/capd.html

The only thing I can suggest is that you become more quiet when you are around her. If you don’t say something, she can’t take it the wrong way. You can still answer her questions, smile, be agreeable, etc.

Mary

That’s funny — I mentally Mirandize myself sometimes around her: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you.

I think that this CAPD might be it. I never thought at looking at her (fear? trembling?), but you may be on to something: I just cringe when I pick up the phone and it’s her. Her phone calls always go awry. She gets confused and angry and starts acting like a mean drunk (can go from being nice to nasty and very hostile with no provocation and no warning but that I can see that she’s not following).

Here’s an example. She is very religious. I mentioned, to show how my old boss thought he was never wrong, that he acted as if he spoke “ex cathedra.” In Latin, that means “from the church” and most Catholics and probably most other people know that it relates to the doctrine of infallibility. She thought I was saying something very anti-religious and got very angry. I had no idea how to tell her what it actually meant and what I had meant to convey. How do you tell at 27-year-old that they’re way off the mark without getting them angrier? I’d like to know how I should have done things (in case I am now being referred to as The Great Satan or something else flattering).

Argh!

Your comment about not understanding sarcasm and also about difficulty with oral instructions sounds to me like possibly Asperger Syndrome. Most Asperger adults think very literally and have difficulty with abstract concepts like sarcasm, and they are also primarily visual and not auditory. Many Asperger adults [but not all] also had trouble with writing and spelling when younger. This does not mean that it is why your SIL is like this, but just an idea for you. Here is a link, for you to get more information.

http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/index.html

i am just guessing on this suggestion, but you might not be able to speak to her in such “big terms” use a more general example of explaining something to her.

“He thinks he’s perfect” might work…sounds like she’s a tad defensive (okay, more than a tad ;)) — so you’re either saying bad things about those cathedrals, or she may think that you are *trying* to make her feel stupid by using terms like that. I have a good friend who many of my other friends think is arrogant — and he’s not at all, but that’s the message they get. I haven’t quite got it figured out yet but part of it is that he can talk over peoples’ heades without trying. And once people *think* he’s arrogant, they interpret everything that way.

When it’s kids that are sure teachers only yell at them, I make sure I say something positive before they’ve even had a chance to do something for me to fuss at ‘em for — though you’ve probably already tried that.

That’s an example to show you what’s been typical.

I just don’t get it. Most people say “huh?” when they don’t understand things (think of being on the outside of an inside joke). But I guess that there are some people who will jump the gun and assume that it’s not that they misunderstand you, it’s that they understand perfectly that you’re out to undermine and embarass them. I really don’t get it — where I come from, those sorts are called conspiracy theorists (I mean this in a half-kidding way).

To summarize what everyone is saying:
1) make eye contact when speaking
2) put on your kid gloves

Just a small aside, since the sister has always been this way it sounds like it is probly an ld. Here is a different idea though. I have been dxed with otosclerosis,(not an ld) I have hearing loss in the speaking range in one ear, my husband and I have been arguing for a couple of years about my answering what I thought I heard and it isn’t even close. This kind of loss occurs most often in females of N European descent between 20 and 50 yrs old (depends on what research you read). I don’t think people are playing tricks on me though, I just repeat what I thought I heard, cause what I hear usually doesn’t make sense to me(for good reason!) My whole family is also add and adhd so making sure you have your sil’s attention, and making sure she is looking at you when you speak is a good idea. Also, the use of simpler language, she may not have a particularly advanced vocabulary. I read all the time and have never seen the words ex cathedra used in any context.When I first saw it I was thinking catheters :o) Anyway, good luck with your sil.

It isn’t kid gloves but less complicated language and less information at once so she has time to process it. My son has CAPD and, as is typical, he sometimes doesn’t know the meaning of words you would expect him to know. However, I also think what you think is common knowledge isn’t. I read a lot and am Catholic and I wouldn’t have known what you intended either.

I know it doesn’t make sense to you that she wouldn’t just say I don’t get it. But you haven’t been through life with what seems to be a LD. My eight year old LD son recently had a fit because I wouldn’t let him cook on the stove without supervision. He started crying and told me I thought he was stupid. I told him I didn’t think he was stupid. I thought he was eight. And eight year olds couldn’t cook without someone in the room. MY point is that peoplewho struggle to keep up with others are very sensitive in ways that may not be logical. I think you need to be a little bit understanding too.

Your right. I am also Catholic and would not and still do not know what she meant by that example. You just have to give less complicated examples. You might try reading up on several of the learning difficulties mentioned in these messages and just kinda learn what they are about and how to handle them, without making her feel like a child.

This definition is from the catholic dictionary

Ex Cathedra
Literally “from the chair”, a theological term which signifies authoritative teaching and is more particularly applied to the definitions given by the Roman pontiff. Originally the name of the seat occupied by a professor or a bishop, cathedra was used later on to denote the magisterium, or teaching authority. The phrase ex cathedra occurs in the writings of the medieval theologians, and more frequently in the discussions which arose after the Reformation in regard to the papal prerogatives. But its present meaning was formally determined by the Vatican Council, Sess. IV, Const. de Ecclesiâ Christi, c. iv: “We teach and define that it is a dogma Divinely revealed that the Roman pontiff when he speaks ex cathedra, that is when in discharge of the office of pastor and doctor of all Christians, by virtue of his supreme Apostolic authority, he defines a doctrine regarding faith or morals to be held by the universal Church, by the Divine assistance promised to him in Blessed Peter, is possessed of that infallibility with which the Divine Redeemer willed that his Church should be endowed in defining doctrine regarding faith or morals, and that therefore such definitions of the Roman pontiff are of themselves and not from the consent of the Church irreformable.” (See INFALLIBILITY; POPE.)

Maybe there are two things going on:

1. Maybe at your Catholic school or CYO camp or Latin class, they had a lesson on Ex Cathedra, so in your crowd, maybe most folks do know what it means. I know a lot of older ladies who are upset that they can’t get Mass in Latin any more and I bet that they would have know what it meant. Perhaps some lawyers or doctors (they seem to take more Latin than the rest of us) would also know it or at least know that it was a Latin phrase. Other people could pick up from the context that you were using a phrase to describe someone who was never (in their mind, perhaps) wrong.

Those who didn’t know it or couldn’t infer it probably would have looked puzzled and said “Huh?” That is a normal response.

2. The SIL seems to have freaked out. Her reaction was a) inappropriate, given that everyone agrees that this was a conversation (it seems to have been in a group gathering setting, no?) that wasn’t anything but a normal conversation, b) she doesn’t seem to know how to stop and ask when she is confused, and c) she seems to react to bad things by lashing out. [This is my optimistic assessment; I think that a pessimist would say that she’s got a mean streak.]

What a fun one the SIL is!

I don’t think that you’re going to train youself to think at a CAPD level, so you’re liable to “slip up” in her eyes eventually and say something that doesn’t compute to her (like saying “nice dress” in a sarcastic way when you mean “that dress is ugly”). That’s natural — you can’t deprogram yourself (the flip side of not being able to deprogram her).

You’re not a bad person — you’re just caught in a bad situation. Hopefully your husband is supportive :)