I have a seven year old daughter who has several area we contend with.First she has ADHD, CAPD, visual spatial disorder, Learning disabilitites, and visual agnosia. Now she now is dealing with depression and she is taking medication that she is having a hard time adjusting to. she has had heart palapatations and pulled a muscle in her diaphram and even an episode with throwing up streaks of blood. She is doing better and seems to finally be adjusting. However our big problem is that since she went on this medication alot of persons seem to believe it to be a fix all (wish it were but it’s not). These people are new friends we have made through her brownie troop. I have tried to explain things and have succeeded with some. however we are having a lot of difficulty with the troop leader and her daughter. The girls seems to work at getting my daughter in trouble and her mother seems blinded to the fact. I thought I was just touchy so had another mother watch and give her take on the situation and she agreed that the girl seemed to thrive on getting mine in trouble and doesn’t stop until she does. I don’t want to hurt the other mothers feels or make her mad but my daughter has hard enough time making friends and just serviving in this small community were most of her conditions haven’t even been heard of by the school. I feel like printing up a newsletter that explains what it is, how time will not fix it(only lots of hard work if that), and that she won’t out grow it that she works exstremely hard to do half as much as the others and that she should not be punshed or ridiculed but commened for her efforts.
I would like some suggestion on how to approach the troop leader about these things with out causing hard feels aside from her child my daughter loves the brownies and I don’t want to take her out.Oh I also should mention that I am one or two co-leaders with this troop.
Thank YOu
Re: how to explain things to others
Hi Becca,
Boy, can I relate to your dilemma, what your daughter is dealing with sounds like me as a child. I had two eye surgeries for strabismus as a kid, I still have trouble with depth perception. I have to count when the pitcher throws a ball and then hit becuase I would always swing too early.. I am ADHD and have CAPD. I had the hardest time making friends, girls were mean, they would play tricks on me. I think I got along better with boys than girls. But what kept me going was the youth leaders in the programs that my mom would make me participate in, I dealt with bouts of depression as well. Eventually, I learned that everyone was in the same boat but it didn’t make it any easier to not be included in things and being ignored, but prayer was a real lifesaver for me in those difficult times. I am probably more sensitive to kids who are on the fringes and have LD’s because of my own struggles as a child.
I would be honest with the other leader, but be careful in how you word it. Don’t say, your daughter does this and your daughter does that. You can say, how much you appreciate her and the efforts that she puts into Brownies. Tell her how much your daughter looks forward to Brownies and then tell her how you are feeling…use a lot of reflective listening as she responds to you and say what can we do to change this so that we have a better experience for not only my daughter but all the girls.
The other thing that would benefit your daughter would be to have speech therapy in pragmatics. An SLP can teach her pragmatics skills one on one and in a different session they practice these skills in a videotaped small group session. The next session your daughter can watch what she does during the course of the conversation and the SLP can discuss ways to improve her communication skills and body language. My own child is doing this right now two days a week and it is helping. They may still struggle with making friends and breaking into conversations but we are teaching them strategies to overcome this challenge in their life.
Re: how to explain things to others
Hi Becca,
You might offer to help out during some of the meetings. That way you can be in a position to casually “redirect” at least some of the subtle conflicts between your daughter and the leader’s child. Having been a den mother for Cub Scouts, I know how much I appreciated it when parents stuck around for the meetings. There is a lot of planning that goes into preparing for meetings with the children, plus attending meetings in the evenings with adults to discuss fund raising, Pack meetings, etc. Parents who take on being leaders put in more time than many people realize, so getting a helping hand from parents on meeting day can make things go more smoothly, and make the leader feel like she’s not just babysitting for a couple of hours. It’s something to consider.
As far as “explaining” things to the leader, you may not get very far. Does she accept her older child’s LDs, or is she in denial about that? Sounds like Mom is having trouble with her own daughters, never mind dealing with yours! Anyway, your daughter is lucky to have a mother who is looking out for her, and working with specialists to help her achieve to the best of her ability. You can trust yourself and your instincts. You know what you’re doing, even if the leader doesn’t “get it.” The meetings are supposed to be fun. Try not to take them too seriously. Good luck. JJ
Re: how to explain things to others
I’ve was a Brownie leader for two years and am now a Junior leader. I second JJ’s suggestion that you volunteer to help out at meetings, although from your post, I wasn’t quite sure if you are already a co-leader or not.
Chances are, the leader realizes that her daughter’s behavior isn’t perfect. I think it’s an unwritten law that a leader’s child is supposed to be the most challenging scout in the troop. Years ago, when my mom was my girl scout leader, she always used to complain to me about my behavior at meetings and I had to sit down an have a heart-to-heart talk with my daughter about her behavior when I became her leader.
My guess is the leader doesn’t understand your daughter or the effect that her daughter’s behavior has upon your daughter. Assuming that she doesn’t want to hear from you about her daughter’s behavior, try focusing the discussion on your daughter and keep everything positive. (Don’t discuss this with her at a meeting. There’s already too much going on for her to be able to listen to you effectively.) Be sure to mention how much your daughter likes being a brownie and how much she’s getting from it.
Suggest some girls the leader could pair your daughter with during the meetings—girls she espically works well with and reacts positively toward). Mention that your daughter doesn’t seem to work as well around certain kids such as her daughter and _____ and it would help your daughter’s hehavior if she kept them separated as much as possible during the meetings. You don’t need to go into the specifics of why. Talk to her about your daughter’s CAPD and how your daughter may be missing verbal cues if a lot is going on at the meeting. While it may seem to the leader that your daughter isn’t listening, it just the messages just aren’t getting through. Give her specific examples of how the learning and visual issues impact your daughter at the meetings and mention any ideas or small accommodations that may help. If your daughter requires a lot of help, maybe she could have a “girl buddy” at the meetings to help her. Or you could help her and the girls around her (so it’s not obvious why you’re at the meeting).
Believe me, after all the time and hard work that the leader puts into planning the meetings, she wants the meetings to run smoothly. If you’ve got constructive thoughts on how she can work better with your daughter, she’ll want to hear them.
LJ
Re: how to explain things to others
Since you’re one of two co-leaders, couldn’t you be at every meeting? Two adults are always more helpful than one and your presence may serve to redirect the attention of the troop leader’s daughter.
If you talk one on one with the troop leader, you’d need to be very strategic to avoid putting her on the defensive.
I also had the leader’s daughter work to set my daughter off. And to make it even more interesting, the leader’s older daughter was learning disabled and the younger child would harass her too. I could never convince the leader what was going on and I finally had to move my daughter to another troop.