My son started middle school and is in the regular classes with support services. Today, he raised his hand to ask a teacher if they had already done a question and one of the other students sitting close by said, “we already did that one, stupid.” This really upset my son, I asked him why and he said because he (the same kid) had already called him some names before(school has only been in session 5 days). I asked mu son if he thought he was stupid and he said no. I asked him what he did when the kid said that and he said he didn’t say anything. I told him to either tell the teacher the next time it happens or to look at the kid and ask him if he thought he was talking to him. I have never had to face this before-in elementary school he was with the same peers he had always been with and they would never think of calling anyone stupid- did I handle this right? SHould I go to the school and meet with the counselor,teacher, or send a note, or let my son handle it? What have other parents done?
Re: Insensitive Peers
It’s a good question. I’d only caution you to understand that middle schoolers have a different way about them. Their words can be sharper than the intention of them. They are sarcastic and impatient. While I would strongly discourage this student if I heard him doing it in my class, it does and will happen.
I don’t know if your son will feel comfortable running to a teacher every time Middle schoolers do their middle school thing but if this particular student seems to have it in for him that deserves to be brought to the school’s attention. I might give it a few more days and see what happens before then giving your son’s advisory (does he have one?) or the guidance counselor a call for their advice as how to best handle this situation and possibly others like it.
Or...
this *could* be a case where if your son totally ignores that kid, pretends he doens’t exist, that in no time that kid will either have to escalate the silliness to the point where it will be obvious to the teacher, or will back off because his easy target isn’t so easy.
Ignoring is a skill that can be practiced and learned, with role playing. (THere’s a neat article about it at an elementary level in LD IN Depth under Social SKills, called “Teaching Tolerance.” The “tolerance” is tolerating obnoxious things happening around you, not “tolerance” for sophisticated social differences.)
Re: Insensitive Peers
Well this is definitely a kid who has some experience in bullying under his belt. My son spoke up for himself today, not as I had hoped, but nonetheless, he did. The “bully” interrupted a conversation between my son and his friend by saying, “you suck”. My son said,”well you suck too.” The “bully” proceeded to raise his hand and told the teacher that my son said he sucked, to which my son responded, “he said it first” and my son was the one that got into trouble. Next class, my son was staring at the “bully” and he raised his hand and told the teacher that my son was staring at him, for which the teacher told my son to turn around and face the front like he was supposed to do. Now the “bully” told my son he was going to beat him up at the 6th grade mixer this week-end. I really have NO idea what to do. Do I call the school and talk to WHO? Or do I go IN PERSON, or do I let my son go to this mixer and if the kid starts a fight, let my son fight back to show that he will stand up to this kid? Having had no brothers I am so new to this bullying and fighting thing.
Re: Insensitive Peers update-HELP
Well this is definitely a kid who has some experience in bullying under his belt. My son spoke up for himself today, not as I had hoped, but nonetheless, he did. The “bully” interrupted a
conversation between my son and his friend by saying, “you suck”. My son said,”well you suck too.” The “bully” proceeded to raise his hand and told the teacher that my son said he
sucked, to which my son responded, “he said it first” and my son was the one that got into trouble. Next class, my son was staring at the “bully” and he raised his hand and told the teacher
that my son was staring at him, for which the teacher told my son to turn around and face the front like he was supposed to do. Now the “bully” told my son he was going to beat him up at
the 6th grade mixer this week-end. I really have NO idea what to do. Do I call the school and talk to WHO? Or do I go IN PERSON, or do I let my son go to this mixer and if the kid starts a
fight, let my son fight back to show that he will stand up to this kid? Having had no brothers I am so new to this bullying and fighting thing.
Go to the principal!!!
Schools have zero tolerance these days for fighting and who says this kid won’t bring a weapon??? I would go to the principal first and then the teachers and let them know exactly what is happening and that you want it to stop, right now, especially since your son has now been threatened.You don’t have to do it front of your kid, they don’t want to be treated like babies but your son’s safety has to come first.
On a similar note,my son in 4th grade saw a kid on class put a balloon on his lap(the kids lap) and told him it looked like a wiener. The kid told the teacher that my son ‘called’ him a wiener and so my son had to sit with the teacher for lunch. Which as it turned out the kid and my son’s friends got into big trouble at lunch that day(in class detention, notes home) so my son actually got saved cause he would have followed his friends into the big trouble. Myself, I didn’t see the big deal even if he ‘had’ called the kid wiener, fact is he got in trouble for something he didn’t do because a bully told a lie on him. The other kid was notorious for getting suspended, hitting kids on the walk home, throwing rocks into garage windows.
Anyway, go, today, don’t wait.Let us know how things go for you.
Re: Insensitive Peers update-HELP
Well… umm… at least the kid is showing his cards early (very small consolation, I know). Hopefully, hopefully the teacher will figure out pretty quickly who the real instigator is (sometimes takes us a day or two, and in the meantime we can’t ignore the complaints of the instigator, we just have to learn to watch the kiddo and interrupt his games early). Obviously his best tactic is not to take the bait (and sometimes this is a good way to describe it to the kiddo — how can a fish keep from getting caught? Recognizing when that delicious-looking bait has a hook on the other end and ignoring it.)
Does this bully have friends? SOmetimes little gangs can rule the turf at schools and survival can be tricky… if it’s *not* happening it’s a good sign that the school hasn’t let it happen. (It’s a pretty natural progression — if a kid is a successful bully, makes sense to try to be his friend and stay on his good side, and soon you’ve got a small reign of terror going even though some of the participants might have started out neutral or innocent.)
bully proofing school
There is a section in the site nldline.com about bullyproofing our schools, it has some interesting information concerning bullies and victims, some studies and such. Y’all might find it interesting.
This is a very contentious area, and no easy solution will be present. On the one hand, if a stop isn’t put to the name calling and other abuse, your child’s esteem will suffer, and so will his ability to learn. On the other, if a big deal is made of it, your child will be viewed as a cry baby who runs to moomy’s skirt everytime someone says boo to him, you can be assured the teasing will not stop, it will esculate and he will also receive a very cold shoulder from most of his peers.
I do not believe there are any good, practical solutions to this problem. I would however meet privately with the teacher, and explain your concerns. In this age of zero tolerance, school bullying is being taken seriously for the first time (let us hope the teacher is also not a bully). Perhaps there are ways to defuse the situation (such as rearranging the desks so the offender is picking on another child instead of yours) that will not make your boy stand out as a target.
We all know the effects that receiving this type of treatment can bring on our children (and some of us received it ourselves when we were in school). Unfortunately, schools are a model of the real world, and one of the most important lessons we may learn from school is not out of the books, but in how to successfully navigate in society among often unfriendly or even hostile peers.
Good luck, and please keep us posted.