Already hating schoo!! Kinda long, sorry :(

Dawn,

What an incredible sister! Your brother is quite lucky you are there in his support network.

Is there any access to a (God willing) compassionate school counselor to go and start to about this. This is kind of a long shot, because if the counselor does not understand the school issues with your brother and continues the blame game on him, then you only wasted a little time. However, if this person is someone on the inside who can help direct you and assist in things, then it would be worth the effort.

Another avenue to pursue is to really aggressively pursue some activity (or activities) that your brother loves or excels in. Whether it be sports, hobby, art, something, anything that he enjoys and feels good about himself. Mountain biking, skateboarding, building model airplanes… He will have better results if he actively does stuff that improves his self esteem. Martial arts classes can be really good for kids like him with the right instructors and emphasis on things (don’t just jump into any class/school, but observe how classes are taught, discipline etc…).

Yes, the tutor would probably be a good thing. Maybe, if money is an issue, and you won’t know that till you contact her, you can see if she will work on a sliding scale (which many will do). Let her know about what is going on with your brother and you want to catch it early before the year gets along too far. Maybe she can work at coming by one or two afternoons a week to help keep things going somewhat under control.

Also, your brother is going to need to face up to things and mature a little bit and this will come with time and experience. LD stuff doesn’t go away. My son is 19, he’s dyslexic/dysgraphic and in Jr. College and working part time. Me, I’m gonna be 42 (OH MY GOD!!), still dyslexic/dysgraphic/some ADD and… People make fun of my handwriting every day (almost), but I don’t take it as personally as I did in school sooooooooooooooooo many years ago :)

Have your mom check with your health insurance, doctor etc., and see if there is any help from that avenue as well.

The school simply cannot let your brother slide, unless you let them. I don’t mean to put the weight and burden on “you”, as a sibling, but I mean “you” as the support network for your brother. Your mom is so lucky you are there too. You sound like you have a strong sense of self worth and you will be a good advocate for your brother, but he needs to take some responsiblity pretty soon too.

Show your brother the lists of all the LD people who are famous who somehow made it through the traumas of childhood. I don’t say this to make light of it, but more to make it available for him to see. The stigma you speak of is often self induced, but usually supported by the masses (who can be asses).

Also, help your mom to be documenting everything that is going on. The lack of help, the requests for help etc… Do all your school contacts in writing. They should come from the parent, and be all business, to the point and no emotions. Track the documentation in a binder and keep it organized by date. Send the letters to the head of special ed in your district and request all responses to be in writing to your home address. ABSOLUTELY NO PHONE CALLS TO THE HOME, REQUEST THAT ALL CONTACT BE MADE IN WRITING (so as not to disrupt family life).

Try not to discuss, argue etc. abour your brother’s issues in front of him, but keep it civil and under control. Figure out a reward system for him regarding becoming responsible and getting anything done. Remember, his avoidance tactics are his way of screaming out he thinks he cannot do it, and he’d rather not do it at all than prove he cannot.

So, there is help out there; don’t give up. Most importantly, don’t lose sight of your own schooling and growing up stuff so this doesn’t become too heavy a burden for you either :) (If you read this bb often, you will find that many parents struggle valiently with the same issues you are asking about).

Take care,

Andy

It’s 0500am my time, and I gotta go to work, sorry I can’t write more now…

Thank you for all the great information!! I forgot to mention that I am 28 years old. Whenever I talk about my brother I forget to mention my age!! I have a 17 year old sister having the same problems she is a little easier to help out but evens she doesn’t want me to see her homework!!!

Unfortunately, my brother’s school counselor is useless. You practically have to stalk him to get him to do anything!! I don’t know about his teachers yet I haven’t met them yet!! Hopefully they are better than last year.

I did just find some information online from BRIDGES, a group that seems to have programs for teens. I also found a program called NETWORK FOR SUCCESS at Lesley University, they are both in Massachusetts. Has anyone used them??

Also, my brother is not interested in any sports or activities!! Over the summer I tried to sign him up for any program he would do with the local recreation depratment, but he wouldn’t do it. He said he only wanted to play football, when they offered football camp I tried again but he said he just wanted to join the team not actually have to learn how to play. Short of hog tying him to get hime there, I said ok and he didn’t take anything!!

The only thing he likes to do is work with my parents, they run a concessions business. They do fairs and festivals, he likes it and is good at but he works basically full time all summer and fall, (when he isn’t in school) He focuses all his attention on that and could careless about school. How can encorporate that into school??

Sorry these postings are so long!! I have no one to really vent to so I do it here!!

Thanks for any help and suggestions in advance
Dawn :)

Thank you for all the great information!! I forgot to mention that I am 28 years old. Whenever I talk about my brother I forget to mention my age!! I have a 17 year old sister having the same problems she is a little easier to help out but evens she doesn’t want me to see her homework!!!

Unfortunately, my brother’s school counselor is useless. You practically have to stalk him to get him to do anything!! I don’t know about his teachers yet I haven’t met them yet!! Hopefully they are better than last year.

I did just find some information online from BRIDGES, a group that seems to have programs for teens. I also found a program called NETWORK FOR SUCCESS at Lesley University, they are both in Massachusetts. Has anyone used them??

Also, my brother is not interested in any sports or activities!! Over the summer I tried to sign him up for any program he would do with the local recreation depratment, but he wouldn’t do it. He said he only wanted to play football, when they offered football camp I tried again but he said he just wanted to join the team not actually have to learn how to play. Short of hog tying him to get hime there, I said ok and he didn’t take anything!!

The only thing he likes to do is work with my parents, they run a concessions business. They do fairs and festivals, he likes it and is good at but he works basically full time all summer and fall, (when he isn’t in school) He focuses all his attention on that and could careless about school. How can encorporate that into school??

Sorry these postings are so long!! I have no one to really vent to so I do it here!!

Thanks for any help and suggestions in advance
Dawn :)

HI DAWN: ANDY SAID: “Show your brother the lists of all the LD people who are famous who somehow made it through the traumas of childhood. I don’t say this to make light of it, but more to make it available for him to see. The stigma you speak of is often self induced, but usually supported by the masses (who can be asses).”

WELL SAID! In fact, ESSENTIAL — and I had to copy it because it fit so well with what I wanted to say to you. (though I also echo EVERYTHING Andy said!)

Obviously your brother is feeling pretty crappy right now, to the point of depression from the sounds of his behaviour. For many dyslexics, who are also very sensitive and intuitive, emotional lows can have a dreadful effect on their skills, not to mention their motivation. The tutor idea is GREAT if your folks can manage it — even an hour or two a week would be invaluable, especially if you can get that same person who had success. Skills are essential for a tutor, but a good “match” is even more important. A tutor must also support, empower, and motivate the learner in a way that “stays” with him while he is out in the “jungle” of school.

When my son began having trouble in grade 1, a VERY smart and experienced resource teacher recommended that I read the book “The Gift of Dyslexia” by Ron Davis and Eldon Braun. She began using methods from the book with my son, and they helped immensely. Ron Davis is himself a corrected dyslexic (not to mention “formerly” autistic, was dx’d MR in childhood, did not speak at all until age 12 and did not read at all until age 17, at which time his IQ tested at 160+. He developed methods through his personal experience to correct the visual distortions that are the root cause of dyslexia in many “visual-spatial learners”, and worked with his psychologist to perfect them, then began helping others in 1982.

The book not only offers practical methods that WORK, it reminds us to focus on the GIFTS that often accompany the learning style that puts a person at risk for dyslexia. Dyslexia is a HUGE term, and describes symptoms that can come from varied causes, so there is no one “true path” or method to help people who suffer its effects.

But this book is invaluable if you want to help your brother research his gifts — trust me, they are there, even if it doesn’t seem so at the moment. I also recommend “Right Brained CHildren in a Left Brained World” by Jeffrey Freed, (GREAT tutoring advice, and even if he is not ADD Freed’s approach works for all who are “bright but struggling”) and “IN the Mind’s Eye” by Thom Hartmann.

Best of luck to you and your family — you are a GREAT KID!

OOPS…sorry, Dawn, I was so impressed with Andy’s letter that I posted before reading how old you were! But you are still “GREAT”, even if not a “KID”!

This may sound odd, but it might work. Write a short letter to the editor of your local newspaper. Say that your 13 year old sister needs help. (disguise so that your brother’s friend won’t recognize) Ask for someone to help “her” with her schoolwork. There are a lot of nice people out there who have time and want to help people but don’t know where to start. You might get a response. I think the fact that it’s “her” brother that’s asking might strike a chord in people. Most teens don’t seem to care about their family as much as you do. Anyway, it might work and it won’t cost anything to try. You can sign the letter “Anonymous” although the paper ususally wants you real name (which they won’t print) You’ll have to get someone else’s phone number so that his friends won’t recognize that. I think if you can figure out this detail, the plan might work. In the past, I’ve written letters asking for help for various things and have gotten wonderful response. When you’re asking for someone else, people respond. Good luck.

But it doesn’t change anything really. If you write the letter, don’t mention your age. We all assumed you were a teenager, so what if other people do too. You’re not lying and it might help your brother. At least it simplifies the telephone issue if your phone number isn’t the same as your brother’s.

You seem to already know the solution to the problem. The tutor sounds like a great idea. Who provided him with this tutor when he had mono? At the least, you could contact the tutor and ask what her fees would be and if they’re too high or she’s unavailable, ask her for recommendations to other good tutors.

What about the school guidance counselor? Your brother sounds unhappy and that deserves some attention from the school.

He is fortunate to have such a caring sister and you deserve to be commended for your willingness to help your brother. What a remarkable person you must be!

If he’s working and enjoying it, sounds like he has already been learning a lot about the most important stuff — like responsibility and problem-solving. Does he totally refuse to even talk about the school situation or could you talk through it with him? Is he aware of the consequences of totally tuning out? If he doesn’t want a high school diploma, then I’d work on ways of serving his educational sentence in a more constructive way - up to and including homeschooling. I can see how the teachers are frustrated too… he arrived Day One shut down. Whatever they try to do for him — sounds like he’ll fight it because it’s “special ed.” So they’re a little low on options, too.

It is hard to stress responsibilities when the teacher refuse to take any responsiblity themsleves. There are no consequences to tuning school out, they pass him no matter what he does!! Naturally he wants a high school diploma, unfortunately the school system wants him to beg like a dog for it!!

I personally don’t care if the teachers are frustrated!! That have turned by brother into someone who HATES school. A good teacher would be willing to help him and help him work through feeling stygmatized!! Instead they blame him and tell him to work harder!! Great Advice, work harder on not being able to read, work harder on not being able to write, work harder on feeling like the lowest form of human becauase all you want to do is keep up with the other kids!!

It is the second week of school and the special ed teacher has met my brother once, and only because his reading teacher brought him down to meet her. She doesn’t attempt to make any contact with her. He asked her today when she was going to start giving him the homework assignment type written and she said she would try to get to that this week. He is supposed to see his reading teacher every day, he has seen her 2 times in 6 days. I am not going to hold their hands anymore. I layed my cards on the table in June of last year and said either you do it or you suffer the consequences. These are adults after all not children!!

I have had it up to hear with sympathy for teachers. If a teacher isn’t doesn’t want to help their students learn, no matter what there learning style or their needs…they should find another job!! I have had it, either they help my brother or they deal with an attorney and a law suit! Maybe someone forgot to tell them they HAVE to help him, it isn’t a choice!!

The teachers don’t want him to beg like a dog for the diploma. They want him to do the work.

Unfortunately — they haven’t done their part, which is give him the education so he can do the work.

What do you want them to do? Do you think “contact” with the special ed teacher will be the key? . It wouldnl’t give him the skills he needs to do the work — and the “attention” doesn’t sound like it would motivate him more… unless just possibly there was a deal where *if* he didn’t do an assignment (an appropriate one though… but that’s another issue) *then* she’d “make contact” — so avoiding that contact would motivate him. It really isn’t as simple as a teacher being supportive and “working through” the stigma issue.
However, you’ve talked to these people. If you think that contact would help — have a meeting and get this put on the IEP. Include on the IEP where and when and how the contact will take place, and include some paperwork to go with it so you have proof that it happened.

Does he need accommodations for those assignments? And would he be willing to accept them?

Does he need to be taught to read? And… would he be willing to go? This can also be added to the IEP, though it is a much tougher thing to get to actually happen, since reading teachers for secondary students are few & far between even *if* a school will go along with it. If he were willing to work on it, you could do it outside school — and quite possibly work out an early dismissal deal so he wasn’t being penalized for past injustices against him by getting the privilege of extra schooling.

I want the teachers to do what was written in to his IEP, for starters. We have seen first hand what a little kindness and understanding can do. Last year he had a science teacher who was wonderful to him. At the first team meeting we tried to commend her for the great work she was doing with him. We tried to find out what she may be doing differently so that we could incorporate it into his other classes. Well that was the end of her kindness, obviously she recieved some type of reaming from her coworkers because from that day forward she showed no interest in him at all. The only one who has continued her kindness and special attention to my brother is his reading teacher. She is the only one he feels cares and is the only one he is willing to talk to and put forth the effort.

You said “It really isn’t as simple as a teacher being supportive and “working through” the stigma issue.” but it is. I teacher who shows their students that they care is going to get twice the work and effort from them and make them feel like they can talk to the teacher and come for help.

As far as accomodation, his IEP has an accomodation for everything you can imagine. He has books on tape, extra set of texts for home use, modified reading and writing assignments across the curriculum, reading help everyday of the week, a scribe if needed, alpha smart, math examples, etc etc etc.
If you can think of it, it’s in there!!

The school is just not willing to participate. I am glad that you amy be lucky and be in a school district that cares, but I am not.

I physically handed each teacher his accomodations list and they still have not done. I try very hard to get my brother to self advocate but when he does he gets shot down. He asked last week when he would get to see his Reading teacher everyday becuase he is feeling like he can’t handle his English work and they told him they didn’t know, they would work on it and eventually figured it out.

I am sorry, he is 13 years old since when does that constitute an adult. He is still a child and they force him to be an adult and again back to my original analogy, bark like a dog for a treat!! Sorry, but in my eyes until he turns 18, I will be telling them what they are going to do and they are going to do it!! If not we can take it to court!!