please help me...im in tears over all this with my son

I feel for you. The amount of time you are spending with homework is crazy. I just stopped doing HW with my son last year but then he was already identified as LD and I said that it wasn’t doing him any good because it was beyond him. If he is identified as LD, it will actually give you more leverage.

What are you doing for the 1 1/2 hours before you get to spelling words? What would not get done if you didn’t work with him? Is there any school homework policy on how much time kids are supposed to spending on homework?

Don’t despair and don’t compare your son to others whose children are doing so much better than him. I have many friends whose kids are gifted so I know how you feel. That’s the great advantage of this board–you find others in the same boat. It is hard but after awhile you really do learn to compare your child to where he was instead of to others, at least most of the time.

Try not to panic over him getting behind. It is only the second month of second grade. Personally, I’d dump the books he is supposed to be reading for school (assuming he is having trouble) and spend the time on reading reflex. I’d also work with him on Reading Reflex before I did the school work. It is obviously above him so you might as well have him make progress on something than to spin your wheels doing school work. I’d read the stories he is supposed to read to him so he is familiar with them.

How does he do on the pretests for reading reflex? That will give you a better idea of what you are up against with reading. Neither of my two oldest could read much in October of first grade. My oldest now reads well above grade level. Her reading didn’t take off until the end of second grade. She is in sixth now. The other has severe learning disabilities. The difference at that age was that my daughter had the prereading skills and just wasn’t quite developmentally ready to read while we are still working on developing the skills necessary for reading for my son. Even with my daughter, I spent many an anxious moment as my friend’s children zoomed ahead while my child plodded ahead at her own pace. I think especially in first grade parents seem inclined to brag about their children.

Make sure you take care of yourself.

Beth

Beth, I have been in your shoes. Do yourself a favor and take it one day at a time. I, too, live in an area where all the parents on my street were requesting testing for their “gifted” children. Your child has strengths in something. You might not know what it is yet. A friend of mine in another school district said to me that she didn’t want her child to “peak” at a young age. I keep repeating that phrase in my mind over and over again. Some things for you to consider : go to the meeting, perhaps he has an LD. LD kids have strengths and weakness. Steer your child towards their strengths in life. It is best to know if there is an LD now. This knowledge will give you power in the future. If you child goes to LS then you get to have the school accomodate to your child’s needs. Be calm and kind to your child. I created a lot of tension. It caused some anxiety in my child. I’ve been there and done it all. Now I understand what the issues are for my child. Even though I didn’t want to face the possibility of an LD knowing that it is there has made a difference .. More than anything: request the best teacher for your child. You need someone who loves and understands kids who need to learn differently.I have a lot of hope for my child. Surround your son with people full of hope for his future. I really feel for you. The fact that you are facing this on your own is a shame. It makes me think your child will need a lot of support. You will do fine. Many school districts have parent advisory groups. You need support. Call and see if they have a group you can join. Look into LD associations. I didn’t seek enough support and I had major stress. It just burned inside me. Now, over time, 4 years, I’m at peace. Having wonderful teachers helped me.
Many bright people who have contributed to the world had LD issues. I know my child will be a success in his strengths. I’m betting he will do as good as some of his gifted neighbors. Take care of yourself. You will do fine. The fact you wrote on this board means you will find a way. Good luck and God Bless You and Your Family Mary

Dear Heather,
Take a deep breath! You are your son’s best advocate, you need to be cool, calm and supportive for him. I have a ten year old son with LD who gets services and is doing well. Have your son tested and get answers. Keep in mind ( with homework)he doesn’t need to do 10 problems if he understands the concept involved. Doing 5 will prove the point and not tire the 2 of you out. That kind of thing is advocating for your son. You are an observant person, hang in there, believe in the kid and get the answers you need to help him best!
Liz

and teachers don’t appear to, I know. You need to speak with his teacher and make it clear exactly what you are doing, how much time it is taking, and ask what are the priorities because you will devote one hour to schoolwork-period. If he reeives Fs in math all through this year because it is her choice for low priority, so be it! I know a parent who did this and the teacher was honestly shocked into realizing just what shed been asking some parents to do.

Something has to go! Id lose the spelling myself as they will be using computers and spellcheck anyway :) Reading-its the key for everything down the road. If he is identified LD, you will be more easily able to cut his work load and THAT is a good thing. Like someone said-how many apples do you have to add to show you can add apples-its busy work and unfair to those of us who need that time to help with more pressing learning issues.

My son is in 4th grade and we stress reading-I could care less if he learns to spell Connecticut. He will have plenty of other chances tp learn the states.

Remember, NO ONE can walk into a first grade classroom and tell you which child walked at 9 months and whick walked at 16 months-they all walk the same now. But remember what a big deal it was at the time? Reading is the same way!

Not to discount a child who is having a problem and needs help-but just because Janie picked it up quick doesnt guarantee med school :)

You got some really good responses here. I agree forget the homework. Tell them until he is tested,until they can show you what he is actually capable of doing or not doing you WILL not do anymore homework at all. Do the reading reflex,if you believe this is helping,read to him,get him comic books,but get the testing before you put him and yourself through anymore BS homework.

What a nightmare for you. You do need support and outlets. Take care of your needs so you can take care of your child. Get the testing for LD. Knowledge is power. Skip spelling - pretty much everyone with LD agrees that spell checkers will save us all the hassle anyway. Allow time to play and have fun with your child, it is more important in the long run.
Best wishes,
Cyndi

Heather,
I just read your letter and first of all you need to put a hault to alot of that homework!!!!! I can’t believe that your son’s teacher isn’t working with you since he is struggling so. When I had my daughter first tested that is the one thing the doctor made very clear is that a child with a under lying LD should not be spending more than a half hour with homework!!!! Prior to the testing I would spend about 2-3 hours with my daughter and we were both exhausted by the end of the night. It’s not worth it-they need to be kids too. At one time prior to the testing, if she didn’t finish her work in class then she had to stand against the wall during recess! I sure put a stop to that too. You have to understand that a child with a underlying LD moves slow, sometimes real slow and you have to be patient. You sure don’t want to throw too much at him and burn him out-you want your child to like school and feel good about it too. If I was in your shoes ( and I have been there) I certainly would talk to the teacher and maybe set up a temporary plan for your son until testing is completed. Well, I wish you luck. Keep your chin up-I am learning everyday with my two children!!!!!!

Tammy

I really sympathise with your plight and that of your child…. I am shocked that there is so much homework and as a single parent of a dyslexic child I know how tough it will be dealing with the homework battle by yourself every night now that your husband is away. I do think though that the school/teacher needs to re-examine how much work she should be expecting the child to do at home (whether LD or not). I am still aghast with horror at the hour and a half your 6/7 year old child is meant to be doing each evening.

I live in the UK and my son attends a highly competitive boys private school in Central London. It has the reputation of being extremely pressured and a hothouse as it feeds the very academic top name senior schools in the UK. All things being equal (ie the child is not dyslexic), the school expects the child to recognise and read basic words on entry into the Kindergaten (aged 4). In our Year 1 (your Kindergarten - children are 5 turning 6) the child is reading upper mid level readers10 mins every night and doing 20 minutes homework 3 times a week, 10 spellings at the weekend. In Year 2 (your Grade 1 - children are 6 turning 7) they read for ten minutes every night and are expected to be ‘free’ reading before the end of the academic year. They also do 30 minutes timed homework five nights a week with 20 spellings at the weekend. By Year 8 (Grade 7) they are doing 1hr 45mins homework a night in preparations for senior school entrance exams. This homework regime is considered by UK standards as extremely tough, even by private school standards. I am considering changing my son’s school because I find the 30 minutes homework such a battle.. (as do the mothers with his non-LD 6 year old classmates).

We are told, regularly by the media, that the private school system in London is academically brutal in it’s expectations of young children and the huge work load they force upon them. We are constantly being reminded that American children are still playing in sandboxes at five and six years old…. Swedish children are not taught to read until they are 7 etc etc……We are made to feel guilty about our children spending all their time doing homework when the US children are out playing basketball.

Your story has shocked me as I had no idea American schooling was so pressured. The English media obviously have it wrong. I feel for your child and I hope you can sort something out with the school whether there is an LD diagnosis or not….

PS Do you know any high schoolers who could come on a fairly regular basis and sit with your child two or three nights a week while the homework is done, that way you are not always in the firing line for frustrations etc which only add to family stress levels…..

Good luck!

Heather,

We have all been in tears over our kids struggles. A child that age has no business being given that much homework. They need time to play too.

The best teacher I ever had was my 9th grade English teacher he said if I am giving too much homework I am not doing my job.

I would spend 1/2 hr. tops on homework then send a note in that is all you can do.

Good luck!

Heather, you sound so much like me three years ago. Every spare minute I had we worked on homework. Between our son’s attitude problem toward homework and the amount of homework, I would be near tears (on the inside) almost every night. I never thought I could be that emotionally fragile.

We were spending 3 hours a night and 6 hours each weekend-day on this teacher’s homework (the length partly due to our son’s LD). I dreaded going home from work. I’d have to nag him, and show my irritation at how long he would be dragging homework out (ADD), and some sessions were just so endless he would burst into tears. And this same teacher blurted out to me that she didn’t really use their homework scores in grading unless she was on the fence about the child’s grade. We’re spending 27 hours a week on homework and she doesn’t even use it towards his grade unless he’s on the edge??????

One day, I woke up. As long as I let the teacher do this to us, she was in control. I decided to take control. I laid out for the teacher what our nights were like. Not just how much time we spent, but the emotional pain we went through each night. I told her my child cried while doing her homework. I explained I was absolutely determined to turn homework back into a pleasant time with my child and I needed her help. I told her exactly what we were willing to do and that at the end of that time, I would put “30 minutes” and my initials. I tried to tell her non-judgmentally and get her on our side. She wasn’t big on it at first, but eventually she bought into it.

And I had to change my own viewpoint about grades. I had to stop thinking they were important. Even with 27 hours a week doing homework, he was still only getting C’s. News flash! If we do only 5 hours a week of homework, he’ll still get C’s! Wow. This was a no-brainer.

I have been bending teacher’s rules every since. Now my goal is to encourage my son’s love of learning instead of trying to meet the demanding expectations of an inflexible teacher. I do everything I can to make homework a time that we enjoy being together. Sometimes this means typing up his answers he dictates to me. Sometimes this means giving him some answers (after he’s done enough of the worksheet himself.) Sometimes I make flashcards for him and pay him for getting them right. Instead of having him read a 10 page chapter (he’s dyslexic), I put a post-it note on the paragraph that has the answer he needs and let him take it from there. I try to think of creative ways we can do things. And I got tutors so he wasn’t spending all his homework (negative time) with me.

So much has changed since then. He is so much happier. I am so much happier. Every year, I turn more and more back over to him. And I don’t know if this will be true for you, but life got soooo much better in middle school. The teachers knew they couldn’t assign lengthy homework because other teachers might also.

And now, three years later, he really loves to learn thanks to some fabulous teachers that measured him on what he knows in his head rather than the quantity of what he could put down on paper (dysgraphia).

Keep pursuing the LD testing. If you get a LD diagnosis, make them give you every accomodation possible (reduced workload, reduced spelling list, customized spelling list, electronic aids, extended test times, you as scribe, resource teacher as scribe, parent discretion on work amount). Now, in 7th, our son has an accommodation for reduced work amount AT HIS OWN DISCRETION! (But he never uses it, because he wants his homework to be just like every body elses.)

Best wishes.

Here’s a GREAT spelling program that I used with my dau who also had (and still has at times) trouble with spelling. It is a share ware program which means you can use it for a bit then you have to purchase it…It is not very expensive either…give it a shot!
http://www.rayslearning.com/spell.htm