son resists help

I think your son is in denial, believing (wanting to believe) that the l.d. will “go away” if no attention is paid to it. His is a common desire among l.d. kids.

Of course, he is wrong. If you go along with him, you can’t help him.

It’s a very good thing that you’re seeing a psychologist. I hope he’s a good one. Ask him for some support for yourself in dealing with your son. Be direct and factual with your son, but don’t shove the facts down his throat. He needs to know that you know the facts; that you’re not afraid of them, but he needs to come to accept the facts about himself in his own time. Still, the facts need to sort of sit there, like a solid wall, that he can’t get around and has to, at some point, deal with. It’s not going to be easy for you, but the psychologist should help and support you.

Two things help a child to come to terms with l.d. One is a feeling that they ARE good at some things, that they have some skills and special talents. It’s good if you can find the good things about him and quietly mention them. The other is the feeling that remediation is helping, i.e., that a tutor, psychologist, parent, or someone, is actually able to make a change in the l.d. by the help they give. As the child feels that begin to take hold, he can more readily own the condition. He knows it isn’t hopeless. Eventually, he can come to know that his own efforts can change things.

Short formula for best help - Encouragement.

You’re already very atuned to what he is feeling and have a good sense of what he needs. Good luck.

Carol

Lisa,

Carol has brought up many good points; most importantly your being in tune with your maternal instincts.

Your son is getting to an age where he is comparing himself to his peers in the areas of his deficit and he is probably trying to avoid/ignore the fact that his abilities in what ever area of academics are not an issue. The longer this goes on, the further the denial and refusal to accept goes on, and then the lower self esteem issues (due to continued comparison and pointing it out by peers and teachers) will only aggrivate the situation. Typically, it doesn’t go away.

Also, typically, the sooner he gets assistance and can productively address remediation, the sooner he will have a chance of improving. After a while, he will find that coping skills will take over and he will survive all this. In the mean time, as Carol points out, find areas he excels and really give him opportunity to shine as much as possible.

Also point out the vast quantities of lists of individuals who have succeeded who are also ld. The list is long. From Einstein and Edison to Bruce Jenner, Danny Glover, Cher, Tom Cruise and Pro Wrestler Diamond Dallas Page. Let him see that many with the ld factor still succeed and do well by being different in how they learn. Learning differently is not meaning he is dumb. Many children take on the weight of thinking because they learn differently, or can’t write/read/process like their peers, that they are dumb. This is often far from the truth. Proper assessment and addressing learning how to deal with these factors at an early age will greatly reduce the resistance to help.

You’ve done well by listening to your gut instinct. Do not be so quick to let him dictate how things go at this age. He will be looking to you and the rest of his family to see how to respond, and sometimes you simply will need to “act as if” and he will slowly accept what is.

Best wishes and regards.

Andy

ps/ This post comes from the parent of an ld child; considering that “in my day” I was always assigned to the “slow class”, when we had too many students for one class. Anyway, he will survive, and so will you. Keep your chin up, help him understand at the pace he can absorb things, and it will work itself out.

Been there and have the T-shirt ;-)

My son has been in LD classes since kindergarten.
Every year we would have a traumatic issue over spelling.
He would curl up in the fetal position, pull a quilt over his
head, cry and refuse to discuss it. It would take about two
months of this until he would agree to let us, his teacher and
resource teacher modify his spelling.

This year, 6th grade, I watched the frustration build as he tried
to memorize 20 hard words a week. Finally I said, ‘I would like to
ask your teacher to drop spelling all together.’ And he said okay!
Six years it took to get to this position! So we dropped spelling.
We still do the vocab part but not the test.

He also did not want to discuss the fact that he was dyslexic.
I found little ways to slip it in (the author of this book is dyslexic),
that ‘famous person’ is dyslexic. I gave his spelling test to his dyslexic
engineer father and straight A sister and he saw how they deal
with their dyslexia and FINALLY just this week he mentioned something
about someone who was dyslexic in a positive manner.

Another thing that helps is to keep reminding myself to really listen
to how he thinks he needs help. May just be body language or asking
permission to help. (I work with a lot of LD kids as an educational aide
and have to be tuned into each of them - they really vary in the way
they will accept help.) And always try to make home a safe harbor.

Moral of the story, hang on by your finger tips but keep hanging on!

Anne

You don’t say how long he has been diagnosed. My oldest had much anxiety until a proper diagnosis and plan was developed. He faked it for so long,it became a habit. He learned at a young age to acted like he knew what he was doing. It took a good while before he didn’t do this. Counseling is a very good idea,and being angry is a normal reaction.
Actually much easier to deal with then no emotion at all.

Of course your reactions to things are important.
If your angry about things he will be too. If too much attention is paid to this problem he will resent this also. Try to balance everything.

Easier said then done.

It’s a good question. I’ve seen some children react with relief when they’re given support and react as is your son. Their anger is a rejection of the new image they’re being offered of themselves. Few of us like to see ourselves as being different or certainly having any problems or learning issues.

But yet we do. I explained to my son that without support like resource room and tutors and psychologists that sadly he might not do well in school. Was that ok with him? That he really wanted to do well in school helped him to accept help.

A good psychologist should be able to help him with his feelings around this and in the best of all worlds, bring him around to recognizing his issues but still valuing himself and his efforts.

Children are very interested in pleasing the adults around them and in meeting their expectations. Letting him know that you are always pleased with him just as he is and that you’re expectations have already been met just by having a wonderful son can’t hurt.

Good luck.

The people above have all given you great advice. I just want to add that often with an LD there’s a concurrent anxiety condition. Drs. used to think of it as the result of tension felt by child with the LD but they’re now beginning to think some anxiety conditions are part and parcel of the LD itself. Depression is the most common one and in children it usually takes a different form than with adults. Depressed children are anxious and irritable much of the time. In fact chronic irritability, according to a child psychiatrist at a conference I attended, is the hallmark of childhood depression. So it’s good that your child is seeing a psychologist. It takes time though to work through it and your child might also need medication for his anxiety.

THANKS to all of you who replied to my question. I truly appreciate the great advice! Right now this seems like an overwhelming issue to our family but all of you sound as if you have worked through it and had positive resolution which makes me confident that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Thanks again and I’m sure I’ll be back for more of your expertise.

lisa