pros don't see what we see

I wish I had a good answer for you, but I don’t. Maybe it will help to know you’re not alone, though. My son holds it together at school so that they don’t see the stress he’s under either.

Fortunately, the SPED director and school psychologist believe us, even though they still don’t see it at school. We have actually just had him moved to a new classroom because of the unrelenting pressure he was under with the teacher he had for the the first half of the year. In the meeting with the new teachers this morning, the SPED coordinator specifically warned the new teachers about this, and told them not to be tempted to push him too hard.

I guess I’d suggest finding a different psychologist who is willing to take your concerns seriously. After all, who knows your child better than you do?

Karen

Glad to hear the shift happened… hope things lighten up for your son!

Maybe you could take detailed notes when he melts down,
how he acts and how long the melt down lasts and do this
for a week and then show the staff.

My son would stress over spelling every year but he would not
want to change to Resource spelling.
He would lay on the sofa, in the fetal position, with a quilt over
his head and cry for 20-30 minutes.
That is what I detailed to the teaching staff.
Together we would manage to move him off the spelling
program and all would be well until the next year.
This year, 6th grade, was the first year I said to him,
I want to tell your teacher no spelling at all. And to
my surprise and relief he agreed with no melt down.

Anne

IMHO….I’d have mixed feelings about videotaping an outburst too. I’d proceed very cautiously and with love. It’s true that sometimes you can see things on video that you can’t see clearly in other ways. I’d steer clear of any Candid Camera. Make sure that your son understands beforehand that you might want to videotape some of the afternoons so that both of you can work together to help him. You need to observe your own behavior too. If you are able to videotape an outburst without being sneaky about it, you could watch it at home together with your son to help resolve differences. Then together, you could decide if the two of you want to share it with his psychiatrist.

I think you will only create more troubles and betray your son’s trust by setting up a spy camera. It might prove your point to the doctor, but you’d risk more in hurting your relationship with your son. Taking notes is a better idea. It is how you use the notes that really counts. If you use the notes to “win” or “prove your case” like you are on opposite sides, it will hurt you in the long run.

Switching psychiatrists may not be the best approach, especially if your son has been able to open up and share his feelings with the current one. Ultimately, it is your son who has got to work through his struggles. You may need to reduce your own stress level by talking things out with someone who listens and understands what you are experiencing.

What matters most is your relationship with your child. I know I will be facing some of the same issues in the next year or two. My 10 year old is still pretty oblivious to the fact that he has some learning differences. I’ve avoided the use of any labels like ADD or dsylexic when he is around. I don’t want him to feel defined by his learning disabilities. He is not an ADD or LD kid. He is my sweet child who happens to struggle with attention and learning.

It takes a lot of patience and prayer to raise kids no matter what.

I’ll apologize now if my previous post sounded too preachy about videotaping. It would be nice to have an instant replay sometimes just to help other adults understand what is going on. It’s obvious you love your child very much. Again, I’m sorry if my post came across as unsupportive of the frustration you must be feeling. Take care.

I’m a pretty secure soul but watching myself on video just in a normal teaching day was pretty unpleasant!! We tend to be *very* tough on ourselves.

Lisa,

I know exactly what your going through, my son Ryan who is now 10 was classified 3 years ago. He is a very well behaved child in school,but when school is out he becomes totally different! If something has happened in school that has upset him he will take it out on everyone, rather than handle the situation at hand. I will give you an example, he was on the playground and a little girl stepped on his stomach while they were playing instead of saying something he kept it in the whole day. By the time he came home he was out of control. I didnt find out until later that night what the real problem was. I really think the kids have so much pressure with the problems they face in school they dont know how to handle the stress so they displace the anger. I hope it brings you some comfort to know that you arent alone. I know for a long time I thought I was. The school psychologist who I do respect, feels Ryan has learned this behavior because I have allowed it. I disagree. I dont allow it. I would love to hear from you. It really helps to talk to someone who can understand.

I agree with the posters who counsel against videotaping and I think that Rosie expressed the reasons very well. I’d keep a diary instead. In fact, you can also ask the psych for some kind of system to graph your child’s emotional life at home. We’ve used them in school on occasion. You graph your child’s emotional state by the hour or half hour. Between that and your daily notes, you can hopefully convince this professional that your child really IS as miserable at home as you state and it’s not just a normal “letting it all hang out”.

I do think that the professionals understand that this happens. To some degree, the fact that it happens is a good thing and that might be why the pros just nod their heads but not seem to find it terribly important. Where else can a child feel secure enough to let it all hang out? After holding everything in all day long, it just has to come out. The psyche may be just looking at it this way and not really “hearing” you when you explain how excessive it is. But a visual graph of your son’s daily life at home just might grab the pro’s attention. And if it doesn’t work, then I definitely would find a professional who’ll really listen and work with you.

I worked with a child for 4 years who had the home behavior that you describe. And as his homework requirements grew, his angry outbursts at home also grew exponentially. He was different from your son in that he also had some difficult times at school.We used the graph system both at school and at home to try to find what times of day were the worst for him and how we could change things. He definitely had a long daily meltdown at home.

Some little things helped. Making certain he had some protein to eat and juice or milk to drink before his 3 pm meltdown helped. We gave it to him at school so he wouldn’t be going home mentally exhausted AND hungry. His mom reported a little improvement. Completely removing homework from the picture at home made a huge difference. When he knew that he didn’t also have to hold himself together to get that work done, he no longer had that pressure cooker behavior. Many teachers aren’t willing to do this but I think that when a child is feeling that much pressure, something’s got to give and homework, in my opinion, simply isn’t worth holding on to.

Oh Susan could I tell you a story. I have lived this nightmare and the homework grudgematches. Finally I said lets not do the homework instead lets do something less stressfull. That could of been making dinner together, taking a long walk at the park, play a game whatever we did it had nothing to with school and we’d talk and then everything would start coming out about what happened in school today. How this teacher did this and this kid did that and on and on, I just listened and learned about how really difficult it was for her to feel as smart as the other kids, her self-esteem was really on the downward slope. And here I was adding to her pressure pushing her harder to do the work because I knew what she was capable of doing , I give her some time now after school to “relax” she can watch one show or play one game (we call it take 20) then she does her work if she needs me she will ask which I will have to help with the reading. In short she just wants to feel like she can do something without always being corrected or forced. She wanted a little control of her own so she can prove that she is capable of doing the work. Another thing that worked is role reversal I let her be my teacher.
I also would leave her mistakes and attach a note for the teacher so they know where her difficulties are so they can work with her.

Rosie,

Please don’t apologize. The reason I put this out here is for HONEST feedback. I’ve wrestled with this and it helped me to prioritize what was more important I really don’t know if its just me trying to prove my point or not but I do know that I do not want to betray my son’s trust or take any intentional chance of ruining our relationship. I’m just frustrated myself and like I said I feel as if they don’t believe what I’m saying to be truth. But they don’t have to endure the explosions and the damage control afterward. The diary and graphing ideas sound like the most reasonable place to start. Thank you for your input. It is most appreciated!

lisa

Hi Susan,

Thanks so much for your response. It ABSOLUTELY makes me feel better to know that I am not alone. It has taken us so long to just get to this point but I still feel that we are not moving forward. For two years at all of the IEP’s this explosion issue was my main objective and they were oblivious to it, we would talk about it but since they weren’t seeing it at school it didn’t exist. It did however affect homework. They kept saying “he seems fine in school.” This year his teacher says she does see anxiety in the classroom but the school says they can’t help he with that. I finally told them that since they would not address it I would be going to an outside therapist and he would be leaving school early every Wednesday afternoon until further notice. Low and behold, I NOW receive a weekly phone call from the social worker “to see how things are going at home.” But like I said too, I feel that the outside psychologist views this situation the same way the school does. That I am overreacting. And just like you I have gotten the “he does it at home because you tolerate it, or he knows how to push your buttons.” ––THIS MAKES ME SO MAD!
Here’s a story that relates your son’s playground story. After being picked on (and punched) by the same boy on the playground and having him constantly upset about the last incident, I finally convinced my son to go to the principal and tell him what happened. I want him to learn to be able to take control of a situation when it happens and not always rely on me to intervene (6 days later when I finally get him to tell me what happened) plus he holds it in and stews about it. He went in to tell the principal and ended up having HIS recess taken away for two days for fighting with this boy. That one backfired! , so I did end up having to go and try to straighten things out. But now my son says he will never go and tell again because he doesn’t want to end up in trouble. What other brilliant advice shall I give him?
Anyway, the posts that responded to my question (your included, of course) had some wonderful advice. Coincidentally, over the weekend I started a book that I have been meaning to read, “The Explosive Child” by Dr. Ross Greene, Ph.D. and WOW, that is my son! I can’t wait to get to the strategies he has in the book.
Thanks again for your input. Good luck to you as well, if I can ever lend an ear, I’ll be here

Lisa