I’m not usually like this, but I am melting down today. I have 2 boys with LD’s - one who just got out of sped.last year because his IQ went up (interesting IQ posts) and his grades are going down. The school lost his testing results and now we (he was retested last week upon my request) are getting ready to meet again. My other son didn’t get IEP until 7th grade (now in ninth) so obviously he has struggled. Homework battles went on for years until I couldn’t push it anymore. He was trying so hard and still getting d’s. Now, other issues have come to light for him, visual problems. And its too expensive for me to get him into the therapy from an developmental optometrist. Both boys have what I term ” difficult temperments” - at home. It just opposite temperments, one cannot stand noises - chewing, loud sounds - the other one can’t stop making sounds - reminds me of a little autistic - repetive noises and doesn’t like his “space” invaded. So you can imagine how they feed off of each other. Because I am aware I try to avoid getting into “non important” battles and save them for what I think is important. I also cut them alot of slack. Example: I don’t pressure them to do much around the house at the end of a school day because I know they have worked hard and need some down time - plus they ususually have alot of homework. My 16 yr. daughter does not have LD’s and I felt guilty she doesn’t always get my attention because her brothers take up so much time. So I try to keep her in mind too, for special shopping trips, celebrate her high honors, etc. My husband has non diagnosed LD’s but doesn’t have the patience I think He should have all the time. Last night the whole house exploded with him and the boys. He can’t stand the “noises” the one son makes, and the other son just won’t keep his hands and mouth to himself - he should be on the debate team. They both can be disrespectful. My husband just starts yelling, so then the boys shut down. I try to tell him it doesn’t work but He thinks I’m always making excuses. I do make excuses but I think they are justified - the noisy son, went to school at 7:30 stayed after until 4:00 voluntarily to get homework help. I’m excited that he is being positive about this new after school arrangement - & realize he has to be tired, maybe even stressed by the amt. of time so I don’t pick on him too much - behavior wise- I can ignore alot of things I don’t find valuable enough to battle over. My husband can’t. I just feel alone sometimes in this, and sometimes like an “enabler” (?spelling). My husband is very disorganized and I try to help him too. But over the years the responsibility is greater. I do the meetings myself (mostly), the research myself, the doctors, dentist and most of the parenting. (mainly because of his work schedule). This doesn’t count the fact that I have Mtbe (gas additive) contaminating our well - which I also have to pursue or the eminant domain issue I had to go through for a gas line on my property (which was stressful- not as stressful as due process for a child - which I kept in mind while I was going through it) He is a good husband and father, its only this issue - that can bring me down. I think because the kids are all teenagers right now, 13,14 & 16 that the stress is supposed to be there, somewhat. We have 3 kids going through different independent thinking/wishing right now with or without disabilities. I don’t know, I just can’t do this all by myself. But at least I stopped crying & got a grip before everyone comes home. Usually I can handle, today its just way too much.
Re: mother meltdown
Many times I have considered writing a post just like yours. Some days I just feel so emotionally fragile. I have two “high-strung” kids and have a husband and other family members who aren’t very supportive about my efforts regarding schoolwork, LDs, ADHD, etc. I am the so-called “enabler.” “You should demand that he does his homework on his own?” “Don’t help him with his spelling when he asks.” I can’t understand that strategy, since even some of the non-LD kids we know get help from their parents. Plus each week I pay a tutor to help with academic issues, but if I do anything that remotely looks like tutoring I’m “just making him dependent on me.”
But deep down, I know I’m doing better at helping my children than any of them could do. I’m the one that recognized the LD issues, then later the ADHD issues. I’ve done all the research; I’m the one seeking answers on these boards; I’m the one reading the books; I’m the one driving the tutor taxi; I’m the one that’s the watch dog on the homework. Tough nuggies. I will stand my ground.
My survival strategy is to get just to get to the next milestone. During the school week, it’s “I can make it to Friday.” Soon, a new more inspiring milestone like spring break comes into sight. And then eventually, there’s the wonderful promise of the summer (when I just barely get recharged to do it all over again!).
Maybe you can ask each one of them (including husband) to think of one thing they can consciously do to help bring down your stress level. I got “no more blow-ups in the morning” (which had been making me a basket case before I even got to work) and “less negative attitude.” Those are a help. Maybe you could even make a list of 7 or 8 things you want (individualized for each child) and have them pick just one. Then maybe they’d realize there were 7 more things bothering you (yeah, maybe that’s a stretch).
Hang in there, spring break is coming soon!
Re: mother meltdown
I certainly can identify!!! Look at my post below under “Help, I’m about to give up.” There’s some encouraging responses there. I do think part of it for moms and children is the time of year. To a degree, you have to do what you can to get by. I know what you mean about your daughter, too, my daughter sometimes gets the short end of the attention stick and has to put up with a lot of tension. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing - and I know your not alone!
Re: mother meltdown
Okay your almost talking about my family:-) I have two polar opposite boys who also both have ADHD,a very ADHD husband,and hell I am probably ADHD,but was formally diagnosed dyslexic in kindergarten. So I know from what you are speaking. Not only does my husband yell more than I ,but he claims it is the italian way to be louder then the average person. I have thought many times,maybe I have sensory issues becaue it flips me out when he does. What I learned to do was allow him his parenting style and allow me mine. We are very different in our approahces and my kids know this. They come to me for some things,but they will go to him for others. I had to decide a long time ago,that his approach was not going to cause my kids trauma,and it has proven not too. I cut him some slack and he has cut me some back. The best thing I ever did,was join the chats at Net haven. I now host the sunday night chat,but when I was burned out and on the edge this helped me more than I can ever explain. It was a lot cheaper then therapy and I soon realized talking to others having the same problems helped me and my family tremendously. I still can’t hardly stay away:-) It is one of the best ways I have found to vent and get an understanding and ideas on managing the stress,not to mention frequenting this board. BUt seriously It helped me,maybe it would help you? If not, find a support group in your area,being with one who understands is the biggest help or advice I could ever give someone. we chat on sunday,monday,weds,thursday,come by take a load off. www.net-haven.net
Re: mother meltdown
I do a lot of crying in the shower… helps relieve the stress…
and I end up nice and clean ;-)
I have one son who is dyslexic and one daughter who
has two chronic illness and one ‘normal’ son.
Recently my daughter developed a headache that
lasted eight months - talk about frantic. I’ve lost
count of the tests, the scans, the doctors, the traveling
we did.
And I was so scared. I’ve had dreams of her dying.
And we had our battles with the school, she missed
four months - the week they finally decided they had
to pay attention we broke the headache.
She is better now, not cured, and there is always, always
the fear that we’ve missed something, that it will come
back, that this is the lull before the next storm.
What helped me survive that time, and still, is reading, I would
read to her, I would read to me, just escape in books.
As a family we kept our sense of humor going. Lots of
funny movies and our own humor -we’ve always laughed
a lot.
I’m also a collector of quotes and have them pinned to my
roll top desk.
This is my latest:
Courage doesn’t always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day
saying,
‘I will try again tomorrow.’
Hang in there,
Anne
Re: mother meltdown
Wow, Bren,
You know, I think we all have those kinds of times, especially with teenagers in the house. That isn’t much comfort when you’re in the midst of it, I know. Dads sometimes simply don’t have the patience we do as moms either.
Something in your post really stood out to me, though. My oldest child is ADD and he also is super-senstive to people chewing and similar sounds (like someone clearing their throat, etc.). You are the first person I have ever heard say that. My son does not like to eat in the college cafeteria because of it. He eats quickly when he’s at home. I can’t tie it to any other disorder really. But it is abnormal.
We’ve been through some tough times, too, and I’ll have to say without my faith I don’t know how I would’ve made it. I’ve gone out to my car in the garage at night before when everyone was home and literally cried out to God to help me. No one ever knew that I was at that level of despair. But thankfully, another day comes, and we go on. I hope you will get a good night’s sleep and have a better day tomorrow. Hang in there! Here’s a hug for you: {{{{Bren}}}}.
Janis
Online friends
Thank You all for your kindness and understanding. I’ve always been “alone” in this(family far away, friends w/o LD children just can’t comprehend). You’ve made me cry with a smile because I’m not alone anymore!! I have learned alot in the last 3 months on this line and have been living with it for 15 years without that knowledge or support. Thank You ALL for responding. I think I got overloaded with all that I have learned and have been trying to fix in these last three months - sounds like some of our kids in school :)
Just the word “kicking” gave me some strength Beth ! I’ve already started the discussion process with everyone here, yes something has to give -even if it is one thing. Well you did it, You made me laugh socks-ha ha ha (Maybe ONE of mine would get along with ONE of yours.) I really truly felt your hug Janis. I posted the “quote” on the top of the computer screen so everyone in my house sees it. (My daughter loved it) Thanks online Friends! (and my family thanks you too whether they know it or not - you helped their Mom have a better attitude and a better day!)
Re: noise
The noise thing - My son has a meltdown at the table when his father or brother eat. He cannot concentrate or block out the sound. He cannot read or concentrate if someone is making noise like singing (my youngest has that high pitch squeal & he loves to sing !) Yet he cannot study in his room or the library, its too quiet to concentrate. Basically, He can make our entire dinner miserable. He has to sleep with a fan on -about 12” from his face, even in the winter- we live in New Hampshire. A few months ago someone recommended “The Explosive Child” book. They didn’t have it in my Library so I grabbed a few others - I think it was “The Difficult Child”, (I will go check my Library to give you better details when I can). It discussed difficult Behaviors being caused by a persons Temperment. It had a checklist in the beginning & it was the first time I’ve ever found anything that described it. Its basically an “over-sensitivity” -hyper sensitive, of certain senses, sound being the noise thing. It also described another thing I had never heard of either- the oversensitive Touch Sense presents itself in clothes for one.
This same son (for as long as I remember) only likes cotton, no collars, no buttoned shirts, wore only sweatpants until 5th grade- never, never jeans - Everytime I tied his shoes He’d untie them because they didn’t feel right. The socks don’t feel right. It really took alot of patience, the clothes thing I gave into right away - not a battle I chose to fight, but the tying thing - well lets just say He learned to tie his own shoes early :) The noise thing is easy if my squeaky singer would just stop singing, but hes so happy when he is singing!
I will also say I didn’t agree with this entire book - their way of solving it, but I found the definitions and symptoms test very helpful and wrote down things for future reference. and yes, another thing that I have to learn more about too.
Re: noise
Bren,
My son isn’t as bad as yours but we have had to leave restaurants because they are too noisy. He also likes the fan in the face. He would find a brother who likes to make noises irritating as well.
He has an auditory processing disorder which accounts for his lack of tolerance of noise. He can’t tune things out as well as most people. Has your son been checked by an audiologist for an auditory processing problems.
The clothing bit is a sign of sensory integration problems. I used the “Difficult Child” when my child was a preschooler and it helped a lot. In retrospect though a lot of his problems were sensory integration ones—which I really think is different than temperment. The shirt and sock routine is typical of kids who are oversensitive to touch. A good book but one really oriented at preschoolers is The Out of Sync Child. It does explain things well though. Can’t remember the author and passed my book on to a friend who had more need for it.
Beth
Re: My God
You have 3 teenagers. ARRRRGGGGHHHH.
And two of your teens are out of the box people. And so is your husband. And you are having a meltdown.
What took ya so long?
Seriously, it’s all going to be fine. It’s all going to work out just fine. Take some time for yourself. Read some positive supportive self awareness books to help you get centered. You’ll see. Everything and everyone is revolving around you, so if you’re a little off kilter, so will they be. You need your batteries recharged, you need some kindness and care to your self, and then you’ll be able to go on and do what you have to do in a good way.
Re: noise
I was sort of under the impression that when they have problems in multiple sensory areas that it might be Sensory Integration Disorder. I think the clothes part really fits it. My son didn’t exactly have that although he did have some preferences regarding soft fabrics. He is also not a very affectionate child, he does not voluntarily hug even though he has certainly been in an affectionate home. I’m wondering if that might be some kind of tactile defensiveness.
The fan thing is interesting, but I have heard before that some kids need that kind of sound to help them sleep. Someone on here told me their child could also sleep better using earplugs. My son does not have regular sleep patterns at all. He stays up half the night and them takes a nap in the afternoon. Makes me crazy…but at least he’s at college now and I don’t have to see it everyday!
Janis
Re: mother meltdown
I have two boys one is add/inattentive(12) the other is adhd(10). They feed off each other too, my oldest is fairly quiet and gets extremely irritated by the other who is loud and active.They don’t physically fight but the picking gets me crazy. So… when they aren’t on medicine at the same time, the oldest gets irritated by the youngest singing, dancing, running around with dog barking…which gets worse the more irritated my older son gets(cause it’s fun to get older brother riled up).
My oldest has always been picky about clothes too, no collars, only certain fabrics, it makes it hard to shop sometimes. But I can relate, I cut tags out of my shirts and will put my shoes on 3 or 4 times to get the socks to be just right.
Had the discussion with the doc about the picking(my oldest calls his younger brother a ‘girl’ or ‘hermaphrodite’ or makes his name into a girls name, my younger son isn’t quite so mean, he is just naturally irritating when he is being his wild self) The doc recounted a recent experience in his household with his daughters so the short answer I think is that kids are genetically wired to bond to each other in ways guaranteed to make mom nuts.
Of course my boys don’t behave this way in front of dad, who my younger son told me yesterday we should call ‘drill major’ (dad is a former marine and current soldier). He does bark a lot when he gets home from work :o)
"Think about this" and survival.
This is a slight tangent — but I’m an eternal student, not a mom. Got a paper back once, with an “incomplete” grade — as in “Do this over if you want to pass, this isn’t graduate level work.” Seething & smoldering I perused the man’s comments (and tried to decipher the one’s he’d thoroughly crossed out!)… until I got to where I’d mentioned that one possible disadvantage of tutoring was that you could support the attitude that a course was something to be survived, not learned from. All he’d written was “think about this.”
Well, truth hurts, but I hadn’t tried to learn from that course, just survive it (I shouldn’t have had to take it in the first place, for starters.) For that matter, I was “surviving’ from week to week in my teaching job that year, hanging on ‘til Friday, hanging on…it was like cold water on my smoldering.
There are times and situations where we don’t have any choice but to go into survival mode and stay in a defensive stance and do what we *have* to do… but there are also times when we can get proactive. Had to take a course from teh same guy the next semester, requiring an even longer paper… I went into ‘attack’ mode and used some bizarre and creative strategies for time management and got an A … the job I survived ‘til the end of the year and wasn’t asked to return.
Now, when I find myself slipping into survival gear, I start looking for the way out. (Sometimes there isn’t one but it helps to know — then the best defiance was just being cheerful anyway…)
Meltdown days, I like that term, better than one I use
I’m going to use that term, it’s better than the one I use for those days, I call them my feel sorry for myself days. LOL
Now about this senestive to touch thing, does that go along with LD. My son has always been so picky about things like that, his socks can’t have lines, getting a new pair of shoes is a major accomplishment, he never likes the way they feel, we still have big struggles on season changes, like long sleeves to short sleeves, pant to shorts. He has tons of clothes, but wears the same ones over and over, he doesn’t like the way the others feel.
He never hugs anyone, he’ll tell us he loves us 100 tines a day, but don’t ever expect a hug.
So don’t feel bad, we all have those days, and I get to the point where I just say I’m having a me day, and leave them all for the day.
We call them an "Oh poor me day...:
and everyone is entitled to have them and to receive some sympathy too.
Kathy- those sound like sensory integration issues. Have you read the Out of Sync Child?
Robin
I only have one LD child (three kids) and I feel like I operate on the edge a lot too. I think a lot of it comes with the territory. So don’t be too hard on yourself. I don’t have any great advice except find something for yourself. I started playing soccer Sunday mornings last year and it really helps. I had watched my kids play for years and felt a bit envious as I had always liked soccer in school but of course , there were no opportunities for girls then. I then heard about a beginners’ soccer league and signed up.
It is an hour a week when kicking a ball is the most important thing I can do!!!
We all need something that is not our family.
Beth