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Um Violence? I think you need to explain this. Are you sure this is just LD and ADHD? How old were they when you adopted them? Did they come from an abusive background? If abused what is being done to address that? What kind of LD’s. Any testing done? Lots of help here ,but first you’re going to have to explain the situation even if it’s long.

The kids were 2, 4, 6 when we adopted them, nearly 3 years ago. The oldest one has been diagnosed as also having ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) it manifests itself as huge temper tantrums. They happen about every month or so. It’s always when he over reacts to a situation, that usually doesn’t even involve him. For instance, the latest one was because I had told all 3 of them to get out of the living room with all their trucks and cars. They had knocked over some papers and run over them— it had been a long day. He assumed I meant that he alone had caused the mess. The other 2 went without any problems, but he began screaming, I didn’t do it, which escalated into throwing things, kicking his dad, etc. An hour and half later we were finally able to get him calmed down enough to explain that I had not implied that he alone was responsible and in fact, that I didn’t care I just wanted the toys out of the living room.
Then there’s the middle one. She’s adorable. They’re all cute kids, but she looks like an angel. Dark hair, big brown eyes, sweet as can be, as long as you don’t cross her. Actually, we don’t have any problems with her it’s her siblings that do. The other day she punched her little brother. Her reason? He talked to her. She has blackened his eye. She has gotten much better, we’re probably down to only 3-4 times a week instead of 3-4 times a day.
The youngest one, well I’m disagreeing with his diagnosis. I think it’s actually that he’s copying the older ones, because he will say word for word what they do.
They are all extremely intelligent. If they hear something once or twice, they own it. Desi (7 yr old) is really progressing in school, but is about a grade behind in her reading skills. Math she’s doing 1st and 2nd grade. Jesse(9) however, is struggling with his spelling. He can read much better than he thinks he can, and it’s constantly a battle for him when it comes to simple math. Mathew(5) is doing wonderfully. He can read/spell about 20 words. Can do simple math in his head. Very much on target and beyond for his age. In all the other subjects the kids are very quick. Especially social studies and science.
They do come from an abusive background, especially Jesse. A ‘step-father’ tried to choke him to death. Put a clothes pin on his penis to stop bed-wetting, that sort of thing. Desi, was molested just before we got her. We were able to get her help immediately and haven’t seen too many residual affects. Jesse was in therapy and did the medication route but we saw no improvement. We’ve done better without their help, but it’s exhausting. I feel a bit like I’m suffering from ‘post-partum (adoption) depression. Just getting these kids healthy took some time.
Jesse and Mathew have speech problems that we’re finally getting addressed this year. We moved to a slightly larger school district where I am friends with the special ed teacher. She has been invaluable in her help, and ironically, recommends that we continue home schooling. She says in public school they just wouldn’t get the individual help that they need.
This is just a bit more info that maybe will help. These are sweet kids and they’re not the first ones we’ve adopted, but they are the most challenging. I know that we probably need some time away now and then but finding a sitter to come more than once is tricky. I think that sometimes my frustration levels are adding to the stress around here.

If its a larger town they probably have some sort of funded respite care program for parents who need a break. Adoptive and foster parents usually use these sevices with good reason.

Ask at local mental health facilities or foster care liasons

I think it will take a very long time for these kids to recover from their backgrounds. The agency I worked at saw many foster, adopted and abused kids ages 0-6 and it was an eye opener for me how devastated these tiny lives were. I had thought that they were young enough to move on quickly. It just doesnt work that way.

And, who knows what mom was doing when she was pregnant-whatever you know already you can probably multiply by 3-they dont admit to everything. Drugs, alcohol, huffing-have they been evaluated for fetal alcohol?? Regardless of what mom claims-it would explain some of what you are experiencing

Good luck-people here will have good advice re-learning issues and teaching suggestions.

How about counseling for you and your husband?

Some states provide services for adopted kids and
families coming from an abusive situation.

Do you have an adoptive parents support group?
Or a home schooling support group?

There just ought to be some help out there for
you - without you these kids could have been
separated and bounced from foster home to
foster home and we sure would have paid the
price their pain and suffering would have twisted
them into.

As far as schooling, have you tried letting them
follow their interests. Cars - structure all reading,
math, science around cars. I knew a little girl who
did that with ballet.
Don’t try and hit any bench marks (like reading by 8 yrs).

take care of yourself, lots of chocolate, and thank you
for saving these children.

Anne :-)

Is it possible that the ones with speech problem are not understanding you and visa versa. I had problems with my child (9) who started temper tantruming in kindergarten which I think was brought on by a little bit of frustation of not understanding and also power struggles.The hard part about the power struggle was that I thought I had to control it ,which made things worse.”The Explosive Child”is a good book having you decide wether the issue is worth fighting over or is a compromise issue. I still have days where my child and I don’t understand each other but now when she gets upset she says she’s mad and goes to her room.As opposed to where I had to physically push her in her room because she was hitting me.Thanks to alot of reading and keeping my head so she does’nt freak out ,we have made it 6 months no incident(crossing my fingers).I wish you luck.

Whew,Hats off to you. Sorry, don’t call what you describe violence (on children’s part)- but I come from “high-spirited” family. Imagined knife throwing and firestarting…. Would agree with teacher-you are prob better off homeschooling. Are you using computers to wear them down a little. EX: have one doing CD program while you do one on one??
Great thing about cd programs is kid can go as far as they can- no holding back. Are you in contact with other homeschoolers? Maybe you can trade off classes to get a little break. Also if you can get some volunteers, church or local community college-spec ed courses come to mind, I would suggest arranging 2 at time. Ironically might be easier to get 2 babysitter-aides rather than 1. My experience is young college kids wanting experience working with kids planning to be spec ed or social work etc are WONDERFUL. So much ENERGY and enthusiasm. Prob lots better prof advice out there ,but let me giv you a big HUZZAH!! first. God give you strength.

Hi Jael,

I absolutely agree with those who suggest counseling and therapy, for your kids and also for yourself. And the recommendation for relaxation time away from your kids is a MUST in a situation like yours. You need away time to unwind AND to energize yourself.

I strongly recommend the book, “The Explosive Child” by Ross W. Greene, PhD. It really explains and addresses the needs of difficult-to-work-with kids like your eldest with the ODD.

I have two cousins 20 -21 age range that want to study child psychiatry and social work. They’d both enjoy working withyour kids and prob even figure out a way to get some college credit for it. So don’t dismiss idea of getting some volunteers. Also more common here to have idea of mum’s helpers. Youhave young person come in and deal with kids while you stay in house and just have a long bath or get some work done. Works better than expecting babysittr to cope entirely and kids soon get used to Mom needing some private time when you explain. I’ve used older kids of other homeschoolers in this way. Two sistrs in particular worked great. Good luck

I think Anne is on to something when she mentioned pursuing their interests. Private or class instruction in something that really interests them, could be a godsend to you, provided you don’t spend half of your life driving the children to and fro. The thought of leaving them with strangers probably makes you cringe, not the least of which is due to the delicate task of explaining the history of these kids, but if you find the right thing, that may be less of a worry than you anticipate. Suggestions include, but are not limited to: ballet, soccer, karate, art, library programs, swimming, music or piano lessons, gymnatics, or horseback riding. Physical things usually work pretty well, because you get the added plus of them sleeping well at night. It sounds like they might benefit from a little time away from each other, too. Encourage them to try different things than their siblings. I don’t know how easy any of these are to find in a small town, but if you have a local Y or Community Center, these would be good places to start.

Thanks for all your helpful ideas. I really appreciate the pointers. In fact, I have already started the process of getting some help. My friend the teacher is going to hook me up with students that need some extra credit hours. I have already enrolled Desi in some ballet. I can’t remember, right now, who said it, but we knew that they needed some time away from each other. They’re very co-dependent. Now if I can get some help for myself everything will be easier. Or at least bearable. I’m really glad I found this place, thanks everyone!

We pretty sure they understand us. We try to have them repeat back what we said so we can immediately correct any misunderstandings. I have all their hearing checked to make sure that’s not a problem. The speech therapist feels confident that it won’t take too long to help them with their speech. She’ll give me some exercises to do with them, but you know sometimes I just get so tired of being ‘on’. It seems that I don’t always get a chance to just enjoy being with them because there’s always something that needs to be taught, or dealt with, or something. There are days when I’m just minutes away from bawling the whole day away.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I’m trying to read and learn everything I can find to help me through this. I’m definitely going to try and find this book.

See if you can get the volunteers or home help 2 hours a day during the week. Just knowing that you’ve got a regular break and being able to plan for it will make a big difference. Sounds like you have a good friend in the spec ed teacher. Can you get the youngest in some kind of daycare. I agree getting him away from the others and into a place where peers don’t act out and he sees the “normal” behavior modeled would give him more support to not act ADHD.
If there are any homeschoolers in the area do try to get in touch with them. I know when you’re exhausted it’s hard to think straight to even reach out, but you may find some more friends there. Particularly in the Moms whose kids are high school and older and who’ve been thru it. That being on all the time is one of the hazards of homeschooling. You need to get some time off to prevent burn out- it’s as important as doing the laundry, or shopping. Take it seriously and get yourself some support.

Jael,

I think some of us lost sight of what this board does best. Thanks for reminding us why this board exists. Good Luck to you.

Linda F

Jael,

We were foster parents for 8 years and are very familiar with children having baggage from previous experiences. Although, your kids are undoubtly very bonded with each other, they are also very likely to be competing for your attention.

Tantrums are often a result of frustration they do need to be dealt with as soon as possible. Did you adopt the kids through a children’s service agency? If you did I would contact them and get some good referrals for couseling for the kids. They may also provide respite services.

You have your hands full I have been there, the last thing I would have ever done is home schooling. Be careful of your health and not to burn yourself out.

Outside activities are a good source of using up high energy as well as making friends. Your kids right now need each other, but too much togetherness can cause fighting.

I don’t know where you live, but I would check with an advocate and find out what the school has to do to help your kids.

Peace be with you.

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate everyone’s help with this. As for the homeschooling, to be very honest, I don’t really think about it. I’ve been doing it for 18 years. We’ve adopted 2 other children and taught them as well as our 2 natural children. I have found with the adopted kids, and our son since he was disabled in many ways, that it allows them to work at their own pace. There’s nobody for them to have to compete against except themselves. Our oldest son is 21 and LD and emotionally disabled and struggled through public school at first. We kept him home and immediately the problems decreased. Then our two oldest daughters are just the opposite. They are so fast that it scared me that I wouldn’t be able to challenge them enough. Before our oldest daughter graduated she had self-taught herself several college courses. So home schooling really isn’t in question. That being said, I do question my sanity at times!
I am currently trying to find something for the youngest to be involved with so he get’s some ‘normal’ time. But it’s very hard carting kids to this that and the other as I’m sure all of you know.
I didn’t have a lot of problems with the older kids and quite a bit of the time I was very preoccupied with the care of our son. He has since died so there’s that grief to deal with on everyone’s part. It’s definitely been a long last few years. I am so glad I found this board. It makes me feel so much less alone.
Thanks.