Let me start by saying I have a son who is 13,and another son who is 12.
Before I go any further,just the knowledge of knowing the ages,is sure to facilitate lot’s of sympathy. I suppose this is not about being ld,or maybe it is,or maybe it doesn’t even matter,because if I am not mistaken it is a natural part of child development? I went through it.
The search for yourself,where you belong,who you are? Been through that? Hell,I think I am still going through it.
(First off I will deal with my own personal self esteem, and the fragility of it.)
My boys where very close to me as little children. My husband yelled more,was harder,less flexible. I was the fun one,the one who let things go,was about compromise etc.Now that they are pre-adolescents,my husband is getting all the attention. All of a sudden Dad is better to be with? They slug each other and wrestle,tease each other. My boys model him,which is not a bad thing, and it is interesting to watch,if you are looking at it from a analytical perspective. They watch him,they listen,they mimic. In a way I am jealous,in a way I am feeling left out. They still need me, I know this,but he is like them. You know,all the right stuff,like hormones and junk
( the next thing in this search is having “your thing”)
My oldest is now very into skateboarding. He practices everyday,he tries very hard. He isn’t all that great,it’s a balance thing,but hell, he tries. You never know. He looks up tricks online,not going to complain about this,it is definitely “his thing”. It’s a whole line of clothing,certain shoes,and of course the skateboard.
For the last week his younger brother,15 months apart,has been practicing skateboarding. At first, his older brother encouraged it. Now he is threatened.
He too,has a problem with balance. Which by the way, they couldn’t even attempt what they are now,without doing IM. They both have had skateboards for years,but have never used them, until now.
So,like so many other conversations before with my oldest 13 year old,I attempted to remind him that hurting one another’s self esteem would not be tolerated. My oldest has a big problem with competition and has this need to be top dog with his younger brother. I have already had the conversation,about how if he can’t bring himself to say something nice,to think about how it would make his brother feel,before he said it.
My youngest tonight at dinner says,I want to buy a skateboard,instead of skates,for my birthday. “no” my oldest says,and give him, the we discussed this already, look. My youngest says,”but xxxxx doesn’t want me too”,he doesn’t think I am good at it,do you xxxxx?” My mom heart takes a breath in and holds it. Praying my oldest says something encouraging to him,he doesn’t. Instead he says,”your not good and your not bad”. Gee Kid,how crappy is that? It really makes me mad. What’s the matter xxxx, are you afraid all this practicing he is doing,that he might get better then you? Whoa,we hit a nerve! “I’m not that good!,but it’s my thing” Ahh,jeez,try handling two hormonal ADHD/LD boys,encourage both,protect each other’s self esteem,and last but not least,give each of them their own thing?
“you like skating xxxx” My oldest tries desperately,with his brother. Gosh so many conversations must have transpired previous to this little chat.” yeah” his younger brother says. SO after dinner they went out together my oldest on his skateboard,and my youngest on skates. Both flailing their arms,and falling. Have to admit my youngest definitley does better with skating,but I was encouraged to see him go out time and time again,to practice and not give up on it,because it was hard. This is what he was doing with the skateboard.
Hmm,being a mom is hard…
I suppose all you can do is take one moment at a time. Not even day to day. It’s more like moment to moment. At least for now,my husband is taking up the slack( my only consolation:-). In some cases I am just an innocent bystander who gets caught up in the testosterone silliness. In others, I am the one to hug you when I can catch them,or when they need one..
As the world turns,so does the days of our lives/
Re: In Search of self..
Hi Socks,
I too have a 13 year old..she is my youngest…and the one that has needed me the most. She is a late bloomer and I am encouraging her to become more independent. She is definitely naive and more immature than many of the girls her age. I am grateful that she is a late bloomer, I can deal with the adolescence angst later…when I am finished with grad school and she starts high school.. Even so she is very intelligent when it comes to social skills, she is happy, smiles all the time and has more on the ball than some of my oldest daughter’s young adult friends…
It gets better, my son’s decided mom was pretty cool when they were 16. My oldest would give me a kiss when I dropped him off at school or at work and say, I love you mom…he is now 21…With my 16 year old’s recent surgery, Mom was the one who spent the night sleeping in a crummy chair watching him breathe in the hospital and rubbing his arms when he was scared and had the dry heaves due to anesthesia. He still gives me a hug and a kiss and says he loves me…My boys will make a future woman very happy, they are great young men…Mom’s are there when they need comfort but Dad’s are there for the adventure…My oldest son is coming home this week after being away from home in Mexico for 2 years on a church mission. He has missed us and has grown to appreciate life in the USA but he wouldn’t miss his 2 years in Mexico either…But guess what, the whole time he was on his mission he sent E-mails to MOM…My husband said…this is tough…He sends YOU e-mails and you forward them to me at work…What am I chopped liver? LOL
You are close with your boys and you will always be their mom…Enjoy the journey…it is full of surprises…
patti
Re: In Search of self..
socks,
I can so relate!! My boys are so competitive it sometimes makes me crazy. Honestly though, I like that they are doing more with Dad, it takes a lot of pressure off me, I don’t especially care for 3 hour bike rides or raquetball, I am quite inept at sports and they all 3 love sports.
Is it a 13 yr old thing? My oldest has been practicing tricks on his skates and his bicycle, he’s gotten pretty good. So far I haven’t been relegated to the far end of the parking lot but I feel very lucky if I can get or give a kiss at bedtime from him.
My younger son is a bit immature even considering he won’t be 11 til Oct. and is going into the 6th grade. He still likes dressing up as characters or in army clothes and he’s gotten where he likes being home more than just hanging around the neighborhood. He was a mommy’s baby when he was little.
So, this will be a new adventure having both boys in middle school.
Oh, by the way, I had major sleep over the other night, 4 13yr olds and 2 11 yr olds, my gosh, the smell of unwashed pre and pubescent boys, it was BAD!!!! I had to spray lysol all over the house after they left LOL!
Anyway, my mother in law had 4 boys, I keep asking my husband how she delt with all of them, he said basically she wasn’t afraid to lay down the law with them. They all 4 email her all the time, make sure she has her favorite candy at Christmas, call her at least a couple of times a month(we are all long distance). She is definitely in the spoiled category but ya know, she deserves it.
She was a navy wife for 32 years and spent a lot of time doing stuff she’d rather not have because dad was away on a ship. Her boys realize this as adults and appreciate her.
Right now, I just wish my potty training had stuck, I keep telling my guys, if you really loved me you would lift the seat or at least clean it and FLUSH!!!!
Sometimes it’s heck living in a house of males!
Re: In Search of self..
and the best hormonals are yet to come….
God am I with you on this one- except along w/13 yr old male childI also have the 16 yr old goddess daughter. Arghhh… my self esteem is occasionally/frequently in shreds:)
We will live through this and come out on the other side as better people. They may live through it as well. Got to love them though!
Robin
Re: In Search of self..
Yes! It is probably harder to raise a teenage girl. Worked in an adolescent unit for 11 years,the girls were definitely harder to communicate with.
And then there is that, I hate my mom thing,they all go through. As a girl I went through it,anybody else?
My 12 year old is either right on target maturity wise,or my 13 year old is much more mature,not sure which one. But on top of it,my oldest is blonde,more physically developed,and the one all the girls seem to fawn over.
My 12 year old is brunette,short,chubby,and cute as he can be,but remains child like in appearance and personality. He is the one the girls play with, but his brother is the one they all giggle over and yell,”so and so likes you!”
I am much more concerned about my 12 year old’s self esteem,then I am with his brother. This is why it shocked me when praising my younger son’s efforts practicing skateboarding,my oldest snapped,”what about me?”
The bottom line,and the thing I have resigned myself to,You can NOT win,and it is ALL your fault,until they grow out of it.
It’s all about them,not me. It’s all about them,not me. I am just going to keep saying this.
Re: In Search of self..
I have to disagree about the teenage girls, I have one of those too, she’ll be 18 in 2 months. She’s been so much easier than the boy. Of course,she’s not LD, but then I really think it has more to do with personaility than the LD issue. She still wants me in her life. As a matter of fact, a couple of months ago, her b/f broke up with her. Her friends called me from “town”, to tell me. Then all the girls came here and wanted me to sit and talk to them about how crummy boys are. LOL
I really think the 13 yr old just thinks you’re suppose to not like your mom, so he puts on a show in public. At home, it seems where ever I am, he is, As a matter of fact, I’ve woke up the last few mornings, with him sleeping on my bedroom floor. I just thought of something, maybe the next time he acts like I’m an idiot in public, I’ll say if you don’t treat me better, I’ll tell all your friends you’ve been sleeping on my floor. Of course, I really wouldn’t, but a little black mail never hurts. LOL
We’ll get through it I”m sure
Re: In Search of self..
Socks,
I have 2 boys well actually 3 if you know what I mean.
I don’t understand certain things and I never will. My 8 year old is in football. I can’t stand it. The coaches yell at them to be more aggressive. My heart yells NO! My son is good at tackling. He has a never say die attitude and he won’t let go of his opponent until he is down. It is a strength I see that might serve him in dealing with his LD. It is something I have always seen in my husband.
My son loves this game just like his dad does. Even when he gets yelled at, he doesn’t seem fazed. I don’t get it. If someone yelled at me like that when I was that age I would have hid in the corner and cried.
Then there is my 3 year old on the side tackling the tackle dummies just itching for his turn. Oh please, NO!
So, I guess this is how he becomes a man. It is tough to watch. I think there are just some things those of us who grew up female will never get. I will step in if he gives me even the slightest indication that it is too much. So far, I just sit on the side hoping my medical skills won’t be needed.
Re: In Search of self..
God Linda did you ever hit a nerve! Can you just sit and imagine how many kids I have taken care of after skating and skateboarding accidents?!! It just about sends me into a nervous breakdown watching them..
I KNOW I couldn’t watch tackle football. Of course the worst femur fracture I ever saw was a result of a flag football game.
And when my youngest did BMX racing there for a little while,I couldn’t watch that either.
Re: In Search of self..
socks wrote:
>
>Of course the worst
> femur fracture I ever saw was a result of a flag football game.
> And when my youngest did BMX racing there for a little
> while,I couldn’t watch that either.
Gee thanks for that. Now, I am more worried than ever. LOL
I used to be a daredevil myself. I wanted to skydive, loved my cousins motorcycle etc.
Then I worked in a rehab hospital with quadreplegics. When I first started working there I said, “Where are all the older people.” They said this is it. Most accidents resulting in becoming quadreplegic or paraplegic happen to men between the ages of 16 and 30. It is just a fact.
They take risks.
Re: In Search of self..
Watched my first (of many) boy’s lacrosse game last year- I like football better! No sticks, no small hard balls- at least some level of rules… You know they use those sticks a weapons? LOL (ruefully)
For Kathytoo: I can’t wait until she is 18! I love her madly and we actually talk a lot- unlike my son who now grunts or thinks affection is practicing Tai Kwon Do on my shoulder- but her learning to distance herself is far more excruciating than I imagined it could be. For both of us!
Great Mantra!
It is all about them and not about me,It is all about them and not about me,It is all about them and not about me,It is all about them and not about me…
Robin
Yeah,what is up with the grunts?!
Jesus,you couldn’t tell we spent years taking him to speech therapy!
Especially if we are in a public place,he is totally parranoid that someone will overhear what he is saying.It’s as if he thinks what he says is so very important,that people are leaning over his shoulder to hear what he is saying. What a trip. OPEN your mouth,take your hands away from your face,What did he say? This is all a part of our family conversations. The thing I keep having to remember is,I am not losing my hearing,he is mumbling,and he is hormonal. It’s all about them,not about me,it’s all about them,not about me,it’s all about them,not about me.
Re: In Search of self..
That is just it Linda. Ironicly a flag football,no contact game,had injuries too.
Life is risks. It’s like the ribs.You hate like hell to see them have to eat them,but if they aren’t allowed to take a chance,how will they ever deal with running the rat race? The ultimate game,adulthood?
Got to take a deep breath and pray. But the one thing you can never do,is not to let them take chances. It makes life worth living.
It’s ALL about them,and not about me.
Re: In Search of self..
Oh Yes,
I took my share of risks and I learned from them. I wouldn’t want to deny my child an opportunity to grow.
To Robin G.
Yeah we start Lacrosse next spring. Oh what fun. Contact and weapons.
Re: Yeah,what is up with the grunts?!
You all give me such a laugh, thanks all, and gosh yes I am so paranoid about all the injuries to come. Between my husband and his mom, I have heard all the horror stories from growing up 4 boys and dad, I am so glad I quit at two!
I understand now why my m in law went grey so early, she earned every one of those grey hairs!!!
I have three, two of them teens...
and the competition is horrid. I feel so sorry for the youngest-being little is hard enough but being LD too? But he seems to take it all in stride-I figure he will end up one tough cookie
We had talked about adopting a girl after #3 was born-I was actually the one who nixed it, but yeah, when my older two hit 11/12, I regretted my decision. They do tune into dad.
Movies? No way do I get to see a chick flick! Vacation? Which amusement park this year?
We went to Las Vegas and I couldnt even see a show-well, I could have gone alone! Yes, they do have roller coasters even in Vegas.
Im having to find my place and myself all over again. For example, we need to find a couple to be friends with so I can buddy up with a woman once in awhile (get to those shows in Vegas)
I never felt that way years back-my nuclear family was all I needed.
Now I need more.
And a heads up-NOTHING, NOTHING is as frightening as the first time your newly licensed driver takes the car out alone. You will be wishing for the skateboard days!
I'll second that.!!!!.
Yep, nothing yet has quite compared to the first time they drive away in the car alone. I spent months actually sick at my stomach until I heard that car pull in the drive way. I just have to chuckle when I hear the younger women at work distressed over the first day of school. I just think, oh honey, just you wait.
But, I guess as they grow it’s always something, now I’m dreading when my oldest leaves for college next fall. Oh, the joys of motherhood.
Re: I have three, two of them teens...
They are tough and resilient- those number 3 children- no doubt about it! I guess I would be too if I spent my life trying to keep up:)
I haven’t decided which is more traumatic with driving- my child heading out the driveway as a driver- or as a passenger…
We need to maintain networks for ourselves marycas- we do nothing good for those who need us if we are not taking care of ourselves. This thread is a great example- no ld issues here per se- but lots of validation and empathy.
It’s not about me it’s just about them!It’s not about me it’s just about them!It’s not about me it’s just about them!It’s not about me it’s just about them!
Robin
Re: I have three, two of them teens...
Oh Lord,the thought of driving..
You know what though? I have nothing to fear,but the fear itself.
We did a damn good job raising our kids. They are well rounded,intelligent,and self advocates. Yes,they have learning issues and social issue, they are aware of them,and they can self correct. Sigh. I say we,because the journey included many people,many people. Support is what is needed now. The foundation has been laid,it is a strong foundation,what they do with it is their choice.
THIS is the scariest part. No longer do you have the control you used to have.
Your job is done,it’s time they take the foundation and build their own house.
It’s all about them,not about me. It’s all about them,not about me. It’s all about them,not about me.
At 18, it is...
still about them and not about me. “Our kids” are not always ready (though some are) to begin breaking away at the same time as other kids. I find myself pushing a little bit (“Fly away little birdie…”) but giving him space to stay if he’s truly not ready. However, I’ll not make it totally cushy for him to stay indefinitely, either.
Hey socks, you’ll run into someone here soon that will tell you what a great verbal communicator your grunter kid is. It will be true, too. The world reaps the benefit of the therapy we provide. Deep.
which gender is more difficult
Hi Kathytoo,
In my case, my 15yo dd (LD/ADD) is way more difficult than my 12yo ds (non-LD/ADD). She still very much wants me to be in her life but all too frequently treats me as her “whipping boy”. She definitely has a love/hate relationshiip with me. I see it as being very much an LD/ADD issue because she had such a sunshiny personality before the stress of academics reared its ugly head. I positively DREAD when she goes for her driver’s permit this month. My ds is also embarrassed to be breathing the same air that I do but that is such a minor issue compared to what I’ve already experienced with my dd!
It is all about them and not about me,It is all about them and not about me,It is all about them and not about me,It is all about them and not about me…
I feel better already! Blessings, momo
If it helps
I am convinced that the whipping boy thing is a normal developmental stage for girls- it is part of the separation piece. It does get better momo- slowly.
It is not about me it is all about them…sigh. It is not about me it is all about them…sigh.It is not about me it is all about them…sigh.
Just keep repeating that!
Robin
Re: It does help!
Thanks for the note of encouragement, Robin. I definitely needed it. And I admit, with much chagrin, that this is probably the “pay back time” that is visited upon mother/daughter relationships since the beginning of time!
Blessings, momo
It is not about me it is all about them…sigh. It is not about me it is all about them…sigh.It is not about me it is all about them…sigh.
Re: In Search of self..
My son is fast approaching the dreaded puberty in fact I think he at only 10 is closer than I would like. His body is very mature for his age.
Off to overnight camp he went this summer before leaving the house he instucted me not to be kissing him in front of the people. We got there and went to his cabin he hopped up on a top bunk and I was talking he said mom you can go now.
End of the week go to pick him up and he leaves the camp circle, crosses the bridge finds Dad to tell him he wants to leave now. I know he’s upset but am instructed by him and Dad not to ask a million questions (that means any). Get home he was horrible in a foul mood grumpy. Come to find out older boys in the cabin called him fagot and fat boy but he is too cool to say anything.
God help all us moms for the forthcoming years.
Re: In Search of self..
My kid keeps me a constant nervous wreck he wrestles, soccer, football and his buddy dad got him a 4 wheeler for Christmas.
Everytime I say anything about being careful think of consequences they both tell me I worry too much and should relax.
I think I should run away for maybe a few years and just meet them at the beach for a week in the summer. That way I won’t know every possible bad thing that could happen. I am a worrier at heart, I hate it but can’t help it.
Oh, I know how those 13 year olds can be. My biggest problem with mine now (outside of school) is he is so embarrassed by my presence. I’ve tried to explain, everyone has parents. I took him for helmet fitting for football last night,and as we’re pulling in the parking lot, he’s like hurry up, park way down there. Just don’t understand it, does he think those kids will think he just dropped out of the sky. I told him on the way home, if I embarrass you by just breathing, just you wait, I’ll really embarrass you. It makes me miss him being a baby, although, if someone told me I had to relive the last years of school with him, oh no, I couldn’t do it.
So you’re right, as the world turns…………….