Son sobbing during tutoring (long)

Lil,

I am sure what I do is not right for all kids but it works for my son so here goes. My son is very tenacious. Even the suggestion that he is a quiter will make him work 10 times as hard. I really have always tried to make him realize that the tutoring I do for him is FOR HIM not for me. I make sure he realizes it is hard work for both of us but I am doing it because I know he can do it. If he wants to quit I just say if you want to quit that is just fine, I have other things I can be doing and just leave it at that. I walk away without even a hint of a fight.
I say this is really your responsibility I was just trying to help you. I always make sure he knows I believe it is something he can do but only if he wants to do it.
I then say if you decide you would like to pick this up again let me know and I will see if we can work something out. If he agrees to tutoring by you then there should be ground rules that you both adhere to. He can’t pull away from this contract every time he feels like it. Make sure you both agree on the amount of time you will spend doing this.

My son really doesn’t fight it much. He has certain responsibilites he has to do every day like reading for 20 minutes. This is something he has to do and is non negotiable like a job. Tutoring is different because you have a role and it can get very emotionally charged. The tutor and student both bring the baggage of their expectations to the table. Also when the parent is the teacher you can see some power struggles ensue. Leave your expectations and anything else you carry into the lesson at the door. It is his job.

I hope this makes sense. I do realize all kids are different and different strategies are often justified.

Have you asked him why he is crying? Have you talked about his frustrations openly with him? I would recommend looking at books for kids his age that are about students with learning disabilities, look on LDs list and at Amazon, I know there are a few but offhand I can’t remember them. Maybe he would enjoy a pen pal, you might be able to ask a parent here online if they have a son with similar problems a similar age. That could motivate his writing and reading in a functional fun way (ok, its not handwriting). I would take the lessons away from drill and do them along with a book he likes or a magazine (mags may be easier) and do writing activities based on that. Or do a science activity and do that. Ask him what he wants to do his lessons with and adapt them with the needs he has. I am guesing he is not only frusterated but bored. Also take his
learning needs into consideration, does he need frequent breaks?Does he fidget a lot, if so sitting on one of those large gym balls might help. Having a mini trampoline to take jump breaks on could work well. Do the work with crayons, with paint, with sand or shaving cream. Make it fun. And get some speech therapy if you can. It will help a lot. Until he gets auditory processing remediation he will continually be frustrated with functional use of these skills in school since words and sentences are often presented orally. If you want more help email me.

Cheryl

I like the email idea for him and a friend. AND typing is a great way to build confidence, encourage spelling while improving writing skills. My daughter uses a computer in the classroom and it has done wonders for her. Maybe he could start by emailing family members cards, etc. (free) and go from there.

How successful is he at the tutoring? I find I have a tendency to want to make quick progress… but that can translate into the student always being right at the frustration level and *never* feeling like he’s got control and is really learning something — and if we’ve gone too fast, then if I go back and review that stuff is rusty too. I’d be crying too… and since this whole reading thing is best done quickly and automatically, there’s nothing matter with easy-peasy practice (in fact, it’s what the better readers get tons of because they’re a “little ahead” and is why they stay ahead.)

Well, consider the rest of your life. Has he ever cried when he had to go to bed, put away his toys, sit down to supper, not get the most expensive toy in the store, make a decision what food he wants and stick to it, wear appropriate clothing, go to Grandma’s instead of watching TV, go to swimming lessons, and so on? Part of learning to be a reasonable human being is learning to sometimes do something you don’t feel like at the time, either for a later reward or to adapt to the needs of other people and society at large.

There is the usual happy medium here. No, he shouldn’t be crying all the time, he should feel that his tutoring is something that helps him and that he is really learning and doing work of value. But he should also learn that sometimes you have to face up to a hard job and tackle it. And he must learn that crying and throwing tantrums is not the way to get out of things.

Now, a few things that may help the tutoring less stressful in general (although a few snags now and then are a normal part of life.)
You say you are trying to have a fast-paced tutoring session. I guess you are trying to avoid boring him. Well, try slowing down a little bit. You can do a little less in a day; he’ll still learn to read, and will be better at it if he feels in control. Or, as soon as possible, try slightly longer but less pressured sessions. You can increase to 45 minutes and then an hour. Take the time to repeat things, have him repeat them back, and to have him write things himself. It may be boring to you, but it’s vital to him. Master your own boredom by watching his success.
Check for physical discomfort. Is the chair hard on his back? Do his legs swing in the air and fall asleep? A child-sized desk or a footstool can make a lot of positive difference. Is the lighting good — bright enough to see detail very clearly, but not glaring in his eyes? Check from *his* vantage point, and ask him. Can you schedule to a different part of the day where his stomach is growling less? Does he remember to go to the bathroom before starting ( a habit to learn)? Is the tutoring preventing him from doing a certain activity, from sports to TV at that same time, and if so can it be re-scheduled? Make any *reasonable* modifications — it shouldn’t take half an hour to set up, and you shouldn’t be stymied without his “special” pen or whatever (this can become a stalling tool) but grant him the same rights for comfort and convenience that you would ask for yourself.
Use markers or rolling writers to write, to avoid hand fatigue and get smoother writing as a bonus. Avoid erasing which is frustrating and dirty and a waste of time. Use nice fresh paper; recycling garbage is unpleasant and gives the wrong message about his work.
Is there any psychological pressure? Are siblings or friends making fun of him for having to do schoolwork? Is his favourite TV program selling an anti-intellectual message? This kind of thing needs to be stopped as much as possible and discussed otherwise.
Also grant him the right to have some days when he’s tired or distracted or not feeling very well. Unless he’s very ill or it’s a special occasion — preferably no more than once in two weeks — don’t skip the tutoring, because it’s important to keep up a regular work and learning schedule. But be ready for some days to be more productive and some less. Being kept constantly to an extremely high level of productivity is stressful for anyone.
And also remember that it is normal and even desirable for learning to plateau now and then — you make a lot of progress for a while, and then you spend some time at the same level consolidating your gains before you start to move up to the next step. This is actually a good sign, when a student consolidates his new ideas and relates them to other things he knows; you get much better retention this way than by constantly push-push-pushing too fast.

the way my son became a fast typer is through playing “everquest” an interactive internet game. he spent a lot of time at it for a while and his typing became much faster. also, he had to learn a whole new set of social skillls unique to the game and so had to really think about social rules and how they are applied. It was a big help.
My daughter is using L/B this summer for writing skills—the district is paying for 80 hours of tutoring—and it seems to be working. She had made no progress in writing for three years—she is going into the 8th grade and did no writing last year—no homework and almost no class work. No other system or method has worked for her, except through the one on one tutoring and having a system to follow-0-she has Asperger’s and is so gifted, she outsmarts the aides that the school tries to give her.

good luck

another good idea to encourage him to write is to have a response journal. He writes to you and you write back. You could write about a book he is reading or something you are planning to do together. This is a very non-threatening way to get him to write. I would not set any requirements for the writing other than it should be in sentence form. I wouldn’t tell him he has to write a paragraph. As he realizes that the writing can be fun and that you are not going to make him correct it he will begin to write more. Eventually you can write continuous stories. He begins the story and each of you add on to the story as you pass the book back and forth. I don’t mean to sit and dothis together. This writing could be done any time and then give the book to the other person to write. Make it fun and intriguing.
Nan

If I understand you correctly, you are saying that PG is going good and he isn’t crying with that part until you say the word “read” and then again the word “writing”. My guess is he associates these words with his previous bad experiences with reading and writing. If this fits my suggestion might be to somehow try to nmake it not like reading at all. Example make a treasure hunt where he has to read simple cues to find the next clue with a surprise at the end.

For writing have him dicate a story and you write it. He could then type it into computer (if he has keyboarding skills) or illustrate it and maybe be intised to read it back to you.

Try not to use the word read or write at all.

Helen

I like your idea about the journal to exchange. I think I’ll try it w/my daughter.

That’s the beauty of this board - all this great advice.

I like your idea about the journal to exchange. I think I’ll try it w/my daughter.

That’s the beauty of this board - all this great advice.

Thanks for all the great suggestions, everone!

I’ll try to reply to some of the questions here:

He does Earobics for auditory training in addition to the other tutoring work - usually about 15 min. a day.

Many others have recommended journal writing to each other - they have had great success with it - thanks for the input.

No, my son NEVER cries or balks at doing what he is asked to do - he is a pretty relaxed, happy kid. He is the only child left at home (3 older siblings grown and gone), and no one else is involved in his tutoring work. We even do it when Dad is not home.

Thanks for the insight regarding the use of the terms “reading” and “writing” - hard to avoid, but I’ll try! :)

Slowing down the lessons - hmmmmm … we truly seem to be working at a pace that is good for my son. And we do review. He hates the review, but until I KNOW he understands it, we go over it (usually takes two or three times - some of it he gets right away - some of it he doesn’t even remember doing before!). Thanks for the insight about the learning “plateaus” - that makes a lot of sense and gives me some comfort.

I did ask him why he doesn’t like to do it - “boring,” “stupid,” and “I already learned that in school” are the top contenders for answers. The problem is that he didn’t learn it in school - that’s why we’re doing it.

Getting creative with the method of instruction, such as using other medium to form letters, etc. is a good idea - but with the inattentive ADHD, he will be off on a tangent with the materials, and not paying attention to the lesson (been there, done that!).

Thanks again for all your support and advice - I truly appreciate it.
Lil

Hi Lil,
My son is doing Phono-graphix also. He also gets teary sometimes. We now have a chart. For each lesson we get a sticker for the chart. When the chart is full my son gets the previously agreed upon “prize”. On some days he would just rather do other things and I remind him that if he whines he will not get his sticker for the chart. ( Every once in a while I’ll even surprise him and tell him that if he cooperates fully and we get through the lesson quickly with him doing his best work I will give him 2 stickers for the activity.) That really motivates him! Some people would say that bribery is not the “right” thing to do, but I say whatever works, go with it ! Good luck!
Debbie