school and homework

Is she capable of doing the homework? Does she have reasonable amounts of free time in her day? (do you feel like working at home after all day at the office?) If not, perhaps homework can be modified so that it is more realistic.
The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene is a great book for understanding kids with these types of behaviors. My own kid was extremely explosive at home with homework and other things— she was eventually diagnosed with depression and antidepressant meds. helped immensely. Many people don’t realize that children and adolescents often act irritable and angry when depressed, rather than sad as we would expect.

Rover -

This sounds a lot like my daughter who is also on anti-depressant meds. She’s on Zoloft, although I’m not always sure it is working. My daughter is a night owl and stays up too late at night anyway so she could not take ritalin or adderall. I am still considering discussing concerta with the doctor, but since he feels she suffers from anxiety he may not want to go that route. We are also in family therapy. I also suffer from depression & anxiety so I often wonder if she has inherited it from me.

I was wondering what med(s) your daughter is on and if you feel the meds have helped her. My husband is convinced my daughter can do the work, but that she is just lazy. I think that she is dysgraphic and possibly dyslexic, but I also know she is lazy. I think she is getting some accomodations, but now I wonder if she is getting too many accomodations. She is in 6th grade and she’s supposed to go on to middle school next year, but I’m not sure if she’ll be ready. They said she won’t be passed on unless she reaches the required benchmarks.

Sorry this is so long.

Margo

Hi Tammy,
Boy I can relate to this one. But hopefully I can help. I am a mother of 5 children ages 19-8. My 19 and 8 year old was the hardest to deal with when it came to homework. I wish I knew now back when my 19 year old was 8. First of all kids are kids…no matter if they have LD or what ever. My 19 year old has learning disabilities and my 10 year old is mildly autistic. My 19 year old it was like pulling eye teeth to get her to do any work once she was home. My 10 year old as soon as she gets home she is in her books until she goes to sleep. She loves homework…more the better for her. But my 8 year old is as normal as you get. No learning disabilities what so ever. He is just as bad as my 19 year old was at that age. We would fight all night. I would do what you did…not let him go out play with friends, watch TV, play on the computer. anything was fun to him I would not let him do it until homework was done. That did not work either and by the end of the night I was crying in my beer. ( I don’t drink but you know what I mean) So I went to his 1st grade teacher at that time and ask if she had any suggestions. I told her that his brain turns off as soon as the bell rings at school and it will won’t switch back on until morning. She said, ” well right there is your answer” Have him have the option to do it in the evening or in the morning. His choice, Let him have some control over his life and see how it goes. So that night I set down with him and we talked about his options. 1) coming home and getting it done and then doing the fun stuff. or 2) waking up a hour early in the morning and doing it. He chosed mornings and now his homework is done daily. He is now in 3rd grade and I just had a parent teacher conference with his teacher and she told me she was so impressed with Zac with getting his homework in all the time. She said a lot of children have problems with getting their homework done. I said Ohh I know…been there done that. Give her some choices….I now know his little brain turns off when school lets out. Just like our brains turn off as soon as we get off work. But now it’s really something he comes home and usually does his homework right away. His little friends come to the door and ask him to play and he says I will be out as soon as I get my homework done. But ever so often he will just chill out and do it in the morning. I don’t have to wake him up early either. When we made the agreement I told him he had to wake up on his own. When he heard mommy’s alarm clock go off he had to get up with out mom coming in and getting him.When I stop becoming so stressed over it…my life came so easy. I wish I would have known better with my first child. Sometimes giving children choices and making them live by their choices is all it takes.

Your daughter’s age alone qualifies her for flare up of temper. Many 8th graders become very temperental. It’s a difficult phase for your daughter and for you as reasoning with children this age often is to no effect. I would back off my sons when they got this moody and let them have some time and space during which they usually calmed down.

Homework is very frustrating to students. They have spent the entire day in school - why does the entire evening need to be devoted to it as well? If your daughter has an IEP you might consider having her teachers shorten up her homework a bit. Too much work is counterproductive to learning.

Good luck.

Sara,
You mean boy’s are worse? Ohh Gawd, I am in trouble then!..I have 3 teenage girls ages 19, almost 18 and 16. a daughter that is 10 also but only one boy that is 8 and so far he has been so much easier than the girls. But I keep hearing it’s going to get worse once he hits the teenage years…But you are so right about giving them space. I had to learn the hard way. You are also right about the IEP. As a parent you are allow to change that IEP. At least in this state you are. I have had to do that several times with my 10 year old. I thought you post was great…

My son used to do this. I don’t allow it. It took lowering the bar. He is not only not allowed to have temper tantrums but he is not allowed to talk to me with a disrespectful tone.

I don’t yell or hit. I just tell him when he does something like that it is back talk and we don’t allow it. He then will immediately lose a privledge usually somehow related to the incident. There is no negotiation, no discussion, no yelling. It is just a matter of fact statement. Once something is taken away you can never go back on your word. This may mean pulling him from an amusement park in the middle of the day or something else that may seem drastic. You usually don’t need to do the drastic things more than once. They get that you are serious.

Kids like this need limits. They actually thrive on them. They need us to have high expectations of them. When he does something wrong, I willl say that is not the boy I know and he needs to change his behaviour. I always tell him I think he is such a great kid. This has lead to him having high expectations for himself.

That is the ultimate goal in parenting.

Linda,
You are so right on about yelling and hitting.
I do let my children make choices though. But on the other hand if they make a bad choice they end up suffering. Like if home work is not done when its due they do no get to go play out side with their friends for a week or what ever I feel is good punishment for their bad choices. My children have missed many of sleep overs, parties, going some where fun, not able going to grandma’s for a weekend. I have even gone through the court system for grounding my daughter from a Holloween party because she was verbually and physically abusive to her older sister. She called it abuse because she could not go to the party.Not once did I lift my voice or hand to her. I just gave her a warning if she didn’t stop she would not go to the party. I guess she felt like testing me. So she called the police. I had to be finger printed, trial. I still stuck by my guns and she did not go to that party. Even if I was the one that went through hell for her bad decision. The hardest job I have ever had is parenting. But the most rewarding also.