Sobbing Silently

We were in your shoes exactly 1 year ago. My 8 year old son’s biggest problem wasn’t his reading or spelling - it was him thinking that he was stupid, and that noone knew he had this problem so he had to keep it a secret!

By all means, have him tested. You know your child, so you have to choose the right words. In our case we told our son he would be seeing a psychologist ( a doctor for the mind just as his pediatrician is a body doctor) who would help us understand why he was having trouble learning to read. The fact that he was having trouble was no surprise to him. We then shared the results in an appropriate way with him. We told him we knew he was really smart, had a great memory, but hadn’t learned everything he needed to read easily. It was such a relief to him - that was the beginning of his recovery from a period of self doubt and anxiety.

The past year has been, to be perfectly honest, miserable. I’ve struggled to determine the right course of action, because the results of the testing were not clear cut in our case. But it was a start. We are currently looking at a new school for him. His issues are not gone. But you can’t start helping him without finding out what the problem is. If you still have a relationship with the speech therapist you may want to keep her in the loop. I’ve found going back to the speech and OT people who saw my ds when he was 5 years old very helpful in sorting out this new information.

This board has been invaluable to me for information and support.

GOOD LUCK.

Wanda,

You are doing the right thing!

You are educating yourself. The more I understand about a new situation, the better I feel. Asking questions helps you and your child.

Our stories are similar. I was also mad at my ex- for a long time. I let it go long ago but I know how you feel.

As for the testing, I strongly recommend you do it. Better to know and make decisions based on knowledge than wonder if you should have done something different. Just because the school will test doesn’t mean there is an LD but you seem to “know”, as only a parent can, that there very well may be. Even if there is an LD, it doesn’t necessaarily mean your son will end up in spec. ed. Schools must do what they can in as non-restricted environment as possible.

Because of all the unknowns here, I won’t make that big of a deal when I talked to my son about the testing. My (then seven year old) son was getting frustrated at school. All I said was that we were going to do tests to see if there was something special we could do to make school go better. That was enough for him at the time. As we learned more, we discussed more.

Take care,
Barb B

I firmly believe that children will be as “hung up” on their LD as their parents are. Just like adoption - my children are adopted and it’s open and honest and currently there are no problems.

My daughter was diagnosed with severe LDs at age 7. IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. There are wonderful tutoring programs available today that weren’t available years ago. There are many knowledgeable people on this board to help.

Make sure your son understands that he is NOT stupid, his brain just works differently and, as I told my daughter, “we are going to find someone to teach you to read the way your brain works”.

Yes, it’s hard, but blame and guilt are not productive. I like Victoria’s advice on those horrible four letter words: TIME and HARD WORK.

///

Wanda,

I do understand your concerns and apparent fear of the unknown. But as someone else said, you are doing the right thing by coming here to learn more.

A learning disability is not a disease. There is no reason to blame your child’s father. Surely if you had known he was diagnosed with dyslexia you still would have had children! I admire him for being tested as an adult. But I think living with it all through childhood without a diagnosis probably made him feel embarrassed about telling anyone as an adult. I also m not sure I understand why you were so upset when the speech therapist mentioned LD long ago. Early intervention is very helpful, and ignoring the problems do not make them go away.

There are so many good therapies out there to help children with learning problems. You sound like you fear changing his life for the worse by testing him, but by having him diagnosed, you can change his life for the better! Without help, his struggles will likely increase as subject matter becomes more difficult.

Janis

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I have been reading every and anything I can all night. School starts on Thursday and I want to be prepared. How is your son doing? Is he improving I know you expressed the last year as being difficult.

LD is an inherited disability. Besides an exact duplicate of his father’s physical traits now he has inherited his learning disability. Since my children were in the womb I have played classical music and read to them to stimulate the learning process. I have always set high standards for myself and the boys.
The speech therapist wanted him to test into the handicap preschool program. Although, his speech was delayed he was an extremely smart baby and toddler. He just couldn’t seem to formulate his words properly. Like magic we began to understand the words coming out of his mouth at 4 years old and he excelled in a regular preschool setting. Please understand that even though we could not understand him at age 3 he was a little chatter box. It seemed as though his brain was moving faster than his mouth was allowing him to spit the words out. My children have always excelled in whatever they do.

It’s just difficult to accept.

Janis is a very talented special ed teacher. So is Susan Long. They can help you if you can keep from panicking. Dyslexia can have many causes and is only ONE example of a learning disability. After your meeting with the school I suggest you go for private testing to get some idea of your sons strengths and weaknesses. Do some reading on CAPD. The speech probs suggest that area should be checked by an audiologist qualified to test for CAPD (Central Auditory Processing Disorder) Check out the website for Lindamood Bell esp the video on the PBS special On the Brain. You might consider showing this to your son. He’s definitely old enough to understand the cognitive side. Do a search and begin reading some of the sources for gifted and ld. If your son is as bright as you say he needs to begin learning from other sources besides books. And realize that most of your fears are unfounded. This is NOT the worst thing that could happen to your son. That was probably the divorce. Your attitude is going to make a big difference in how HE deals with it. If he feels that being who he is lets you down and absorbs that subliminal attitude that an ld = loser you will do him terrible harm. I’m speaking this bluntly for your son’s sake. Don’t take the divorce out on him.

I appreciate that post very much, “friend who’s been there”.

Wanda, my point is, there are children who are highly gifted who also have learning disabilites. Some are average. But I believe very strongly that every child born on this earth is given special strengths. Some also have special struggles. I know we all have a desire that our children excel. That’s what the world deems successful. But what is more important to me is that every child reach their God-given potential. And if that means they will be a great construction worker (for example) rather than a lawyer, then so be it. But LD kids CAN be lawyers, of course! They just have to work harder.

Help your son be the best learner he can be and value him as he is and not as a disappointment. That will do more for his self-esteem and future success than any other single thing.

I wish you both the best.
Janis

Wanda,

Please let go of the idea that dyslexia is a problem with your child. It really is a problem with society. Your child may very well be brilliant, but not be good at some very specific skills that society thinks is important for 8 year olds. He may have very good adult skills that can’t be seen and aren’t very important to those that who find themselves in the very powerful position to judge 8 year olds. Right now he has trouble reading, so what. It is an 8 year old problem; one that he will have to work hard to overcome, but one that will he will overcome.

Then he can go about showing the world just how brilliant he is. Keep that perspective. This doesn’t mean he isn’t bright.

Get him tested, figure out what he needs and get it for him. I don’t think that sped is the place for bright dyslexic children but just because he may not belong in sped doesn’t mean you shouldn’t find out what is wrong.

Try and stay specific. Find out what is specifically wrong and what specific things the school will do to address those issues. Don’t allow them to just stick him in a sped class and let that be the end of it. You may have to get him help for his issues outside the school. Most of us here have. You can come to this board once you know more about his particular issues to get more answers.

I’d first say I don’t know that it will change his life forever and you might be putting a lot on this. That his reading scores are average in the 3rd grade bodes well. Many children have average reading scores in 3rd grade, dyslexic or not. And that your husband’s dyslexia was not highly apparent to you in the 10 years you knew him also bodes well. It suggests your son’s dyslexia is not very severe and with age, growth, and development, he should be fine.

Getting him successfully through school can be the challenge but it also sounds as if he has a great teacher which is key. As you clearly hold this teacher in regard, why not follow her suggestion and allow him to be tested? Also consider asking - ahead of time - what programs they have that might help your son if the testing does reveal an underlying dyslexia or learning difference.

As to explaining to your son, it doesn’t have to be a big, big deal. Does he go to the doctor once a year? That’s not such a big deal. Doctors do checkups. Schools do checkups. His teacher is wondering if there are things that can be done to help him in school.

I had both my sons tested (and retested). We always went out for ice cream afterwards.

thats the most important thing you need to remember. After they test him, they will fill you in and make recommendations-you are under absolutely no obligation to follow them.

Get the testing(you will have to sign for this) and do not agree to anything else until you have had 24-48 hours to mull it over and perhaps post info on this board. You have reservations, and I think taking it slow is best for you right now-and ultimately for your relationship with the school

You didnt do anything wrong-he just is who he is because ….he is :)

My older two are gifted and I too have had a hard time dealing with a LD diagnosis for the youngest-I keep wanting to blame myself for not talking to him as much as the others, not reading as much, being depressed during his infancy because we had just moved. You name it-Ive managed to take blame for it. Its part of the process of acceptance

Just remember that refusing services is something you may end up blaming yourself for down the road as well. As moms, we dont need more blame

And, without dads sperm, your son wouldnt be who he is with all the good things he has to show from that union. Another dad equals an entirely different child-and I know you wouldnt want THAT!!!!

Have the kid read it too (though maybe not ‘til middle school). It’s about an LD kid and everybody’s afraid he’ll take after his father…

////

Thank you everyone! I can’t express my gratitude for the words of encouragement and a good reality check. Many of you were right, I only focused on the negative side. I am breathing a little easier today.

I have a little story:

During my preholiday converation with his teacher she mentioned that he did not grasp the concept of counting by 2’s, 3’s, 5’s etc;. She said that usually by the third grade a student can complete this task.

Well, we were in Target today and the registers are kinda staggered. When you look at the numbering from the side all the even registers are side by side by 2’s. (2,4,6, 8, etc;) Well my little darling said “Look mom the registers are counting by 2’s. Then he proceeded to count by 2’s. I gave him the biggest hug and kiss ever.

I think he has been sensing my anxiety. Last night he asked if I thought he was stupid because the kids in his class thought so. I fought hard to fight back the tears and told him that he is the smartest kid I know and they are being stupid for saying such nonsense.

I know it’s going to be a hard road to travel but I know we will overcome.

Once again thanks everyone.

He sounds like a very bright child to me, Wanda! And with a loving Mom who believes in him, he will do just fine! Please come back after you have the testing done. You’ll get some good commentary on the scores here.

Janis

You’re not making the same mistake I made. My son will always long for his Dad no matter how toxic he was to me. I’m sure losing dad and being brave for me contributed to the school probs. If Mom can help figure out what’s going on and explain his brain to him it will make such a difference!! My son is reading , doing math now because we found the ways his brain learns. When we found those keys he learned by leaps and bounds. That may be all your son needs. You go girl. I’m betting you’re going to become one of the resident mom experts on here.

nt

A caution. Yes, I know the actions I’m describing here are illegal and unprofessional — and guess what, some psychologists out there are unprofessional and don’t know the law or don’t care.

I wanted my child given services for gifted programming. I requested testing from the board. I carefully wrote in on the permission sheet that this was testing for academic services *only*. The school psychologist went over that addendum with white-out! Then he did all sorts of Freudian mumbo-jumbo and decided my daughter was “too attached” to me and that was her “problem”. She didn’t have a problem until he came along, at least not a big one. And I am a single mom who cares deeply about my kid, so of course we were very attached. He advised the teacher to separate her from me. This caused all manner of difficulties for her, some of which are still hanging on into adulthood. She is afraid to use all of the good help I am ready and willing to offer because that will make her too “dependent”, and her school life and some of her social life has suffered. What is ridiculous is that a more independent kid was never seen; half the time she was the leader and I was the follower. At that time and in that place I had few options to protest; looking back, I really should have raised H in the school board office and switched to the other Grade 3 teacher.

So, be careful, act with caution, get everything in writing, absolutely refuse to sign if they change even one word of what you write, and be prepared to yell your head off and threaten lawsuits if someone pulls this kind of stunt.