call me defensive,but...

I hear ya socks!

Hey, I posted a question for you on the adhd board, would you mind taking a look? I appreciate it.

Amy

I have a nephew with Down’s Syndrome. It irritates me to no end when my mother-in-law puts my LD son in the same category. I agree the issues are very different—more challenging in some ways but easier in other ways. One big difference is my son is aware of what he can’t do and it bothers him to no end. The uneveness of the profile creates unique challenges.

Beth

Socks, if you are asking for honest answers, I do think you may be a tiny bit on the oversensitive side. ;-) I think we can certainly all relate to not wanting our LD kids to be misunderstood and espcially to be thought of as mentally retarded when they are not. So I do understand that frustration very well. No one understands my child with APD. I even think her teacher really doesn’t believe it.

But on the other hand, I do not think the post that mentioned that MR kids can learn to dial a phone was meant to insult anyone. I think the point was just to say that punching in a phone number is a very important life skill which should not be given up on and going to an assistive device instead. As our kids get older, they are going to be out of the home a lot, and for their safety, they must be able to use a phone at least to dial home.

I had a HI/EMH student (about 50 IQ) for several years. I know some teachers would have given up on him ever learning multiplication tables and given him a calculator. But I didn’t. We worked on them for about 6 years on a daily basis and eventually he learned through the 10’s. He would have never been able to go on to higher math such as algebra, but I wanted him to have some skills which would be useful in life.

So I do think the perseverance in building essential life/safety skills is very important. Yes, some kids will never be able to do certain skills. But I’d not give up on teaching ones like using the phone even if it is just to learn to call home.

Janis

I should tell y’all that we had 8” of snow last night, so I’m sure we’ll have no school today or tomorow. I’ll be on the computer a lot, I expect!

Janis

All of the interesting people I know are different. I can honestly tell you I find people who don’t have at least a few quircks as usually pretty bland and boring.

You don’t need to defend here. I do think that you have to tackle things based on your child’s feelings about his abilities and his possible future feelings about those abilities.

One of my good friends is a remediated dyslexic whose only ongoing defict is that she just can’t copy phone numbers when you tell them to her. She needs you to write them down. So what, she is absolutely brilliant in every other way.

The message that you are a little different, so what, so was Einstein, is an important one. I tell that one to my son all the time.

Socks,

No doubt there are trigger statements that aggrivate the frayed nerves. The nonsense that some spout out tends to be more how we interpret what was said than the intended statement. Much of the time, as in with most people, they are simply insensitive about what they are saying and they have no clue how badly it grates against the recipient’s nerves, upsets or offends. I’d venture to guess that generally they have no idea how right on target the shot was made if they were trying to upset you. I’m not making excuses for insensitive idiots, just pointing out that one must consider the source and try to maintain some type of control on the reigns prior to leaping into the arena for battle.

I think being ld and having fought for an ld offspring makes one’s nerves and reactions extremely subject to high sensitivity. There is no other way to handle the situation most of the time due to the nature of the battle of day to day existence.

So I guess being defensive, at least in my minds eye, has more to do with a reaction due to being sensitive. Just so happens to be about a topic you have good reason to be sensitive about. Figure your nerves have been scraped pretty raw (like a bad root canal) and even a soft breeze can aggrivate things, so go figure what chewing on a rock or tin foil would do!!!

All I can suggest in this area is to try to maintain your humor, consider that most dolts do not mean to offend you the way that you interpret what was said, and above all else, take a few deep breaths before you respond. Sometimes that extra couple of uncomfortable seconds can lead to a retraction or at the very least and uncomfortable silence where the stupidity can simply hang in the air for all to view.

Don’t let ‘em get you down.

Take care,

Andy

As always,Thanks Friend:-)

On the other hand , what is the first thing that kids called my son in kindergarton when he couldn’t remember the letters and numbers they’d all gotten in preschool- the equivalent of the old “retard.” Lately I noticed the local “special services” group at Walmart during a school day. There was a CP kid, several downies and 3 kids with no apparent physical impairment. Turns out they have learning disabilities. I question all those kids lumped together were getting what they needed to learn. Don’t drive yourself nuts barking at the wind, but you making people aware that LD doesnt mean our kids are mentally impaired and fighting that ALL kids get a chance to go as far as they can is an important message. I have a feeling you’re raising two feisty advocates that are going to change the image of LD kids everywhere.

I taught students with severe behavior problems. There was a bus wreck (one of those little “handicapped” busses) in which three of my students were killed. Their parents begged me to let the press know that their children were not retarded.

I did so.
I don’t really know why.
Those “retarded” children were just as dead (and in their lives, just as beautiful) as my “behaviorally disordered” students.

Perhaps retarded means worse things. Perhaps retarded is embarassing.

Do you think??

We’re all messed up. We’re all on the same bus.

I really don’t know if retarded is embarassing, although your story suggests it is. Severely behaviorally disordered certainly doesn’t sound better to me. I do know that whenever my LD son can’t do something he tells me that maybe he is retarded, like his cousin who has Down’s Syndrome.

It breaks my heart. His cousin doesn’t realize his limitations while my son is acutely aware of every weakness.

My sister in law has her own struggles but it doesn’t seem to include the rollar coaster experience of LD (one day they are doing fine, the next day you wonder what happened).

Beth

Oh, Ken, how very very tragic. That must’ve been a great heartache for many people.

I have the sense that parents feel their children’s abilities and disabilities reflect upon themselves. Parent of gifted kids certainly like to have bragging bumper stickers, don’t they (like:”my kid is an honor student at Blankedy Blank school”)? So the converse is also true…those with children with disabilities want to minimize it…”My child is LD which means normal intelligence, certainly not retarded.”

In my idealistic view…I can see children who are valued and loved as they were made…each unique, having value and purpose whether the IQ is 50 or 150.

And you know what, those grieving parents of the retarded children were probably thinking, well at least my child was sweet and kind, not like those behavior problem kids.

Janis

“well,at least they weren’t retarded.”You think this was the parent’s thoughts?
You think these parents in the wake of their child’s death,were concerned whether the world thought of them as retarded?

Gee Ken,think maybe it is possible that in some small way,the violation of ones privacy,the press HAVING to HAVE something to say,was painful enough,then to have the wrong label applied?? NOT a label,the WRONG label.

As most know I am a nurse. Worked with developmentally delayed children for the last 15 year now. DD isn’t MR,MR isn’t CP,MR isn’t Downs Syndrome,LD isn’t MR. ED isn’t MR,ADD isn’t DD,and ADHD isn’t ADD either. Some DD kids are physically delayed and not the least bit intellectually delayed. Some DD kids are not the least bit physically delayed,but are very intellectually delayed.
It is this simple;the pain of the label doesn’t pale in the comparision of having the wrong label.

But my point was,being told over and over and over again,you can do this,because even a retard can do it,is not only insulting,but INACCURATE. Who is it insulting to? Well to put it bluntly,everyone.

We are only as messed up as society insists on being..

When my youngest was in third grade,he wanted to participate in BMX bike riding. One night m oldest and I were at the track watching him practice. A school friend came up to my son to say Hi. My oldest knew him from a specific class. It happened to be the SLD resource room. I said to this kid,oh so you are SLD? Stupid question I suppose,in my own innocent way I was hoping my son would find common ground and be able to have some type of self pride. “OH NO,I am not a STUPID LITTLE DUMMY,I am emotionally disturbed,I tried to choke the PE coach”. Somehow it was more acceptable,more respectable,he was a bully,a kid who could not control his aggression. He was sitting next to my kid,calling him a Stupid little dummy,because,he was smart enough not to choke the PE coach? You know the bumper sticker,” my kid beat up your honor roll kid”. This is how society see’s it. I realized at this moment,okay maybe a few more first, that my son,would never feel good about himself,if he was subjected to special education in public school.

With all due respect Ken,not only would my kid NOT be riding in the Handicap Bus,but if I had my way neither would anybody else:-)It has absolutely nothing to do with being retarded,it has everything to do with being allowed to be different.

Only eight inches? I’m from Montreal and we have a slightly different perspective on snow — of course if you have no plows and no insulation, you must be suffering.

I have an eyesight problem, compounded by several years of bad diagnosis — amblyopia leading to functional blindness of my left eye and zero depth perception, as well as astigmatism. I have chronic ear and sinus infections which frequently wreak havoc with my balance and proprioception (sense of spatial positioning). When stressed, I tend to muscle spasms. And I tend to reversals, especialy when tired or stressed. So on a bad day I’ve been known to try to dial the same number three or more times before getting it right. It is a weird sensation to say to yourself “three-five” and to watch your finger stab 5-3, or worse.
By myself, I just say a rude word and re-do it.
If someone says something to me about being dumb or stupid or incompetent — and believe me, they do — sometimes I just give them a look that would peel paint, and sometimes I answer back with equal rudeness. On a good day I achieve the Miss Manners approach of being rude by being overly formal, and on a bad day I use more bad language.
Worst is when your family gets on you — certain of my relatives, with good intentions but the worst possible approach, tried to make me do better by yelling at me not to be clumsy/stupid/lazy. Naturally the stress made me even worse, and feeling the lack of respect from my family broke down relations, some permanently. My ex-husband did some of the same to my daughter, one of the reasons he is an ex. Everyone on the board, whatever you do, when those comments come out of your memory, please bite your tongue.
I try to draw a fine line: it is much, much better to learn skills to cope with ordinary challenges like telephones, even if it does take a long time; but if you give it several years of tryingand several different methods of learning and still don’t get anywhere, it may be necessary to find alternate coping strategies. I do try to teach skills to students first, and with my own experience behind me I don’t give up fast.

That’s it. An LD kid or CP kid being taught the same way you teach a Down Syndrome kid or vice versa has got to be in agony and to say so gives no disrespect to the DS.
I got the bullet just missed me shudder when I saw this group and their little bus and I wanted to give a note to give all their Mom’s saying to get everyone of them out of that situation and find something that works for them. The thought of my son being taken to Walmart to learn life skills…. He of the Teddy Rooselvelt vs Napolean self invented chess game…. I just say Thank You God that you gave this quirky little guy to me not someone else who wouldn’t have had a clue….

Your son is VERY lucky to have you!