swearing

Children of young ages generally have caught the swearing virus from someone in close proximity, it is often an in-home virus. Older children can catch this dreaded disease from peers. Talking therapy generally works on swearing behavior with the same approximate results as talking therapy works with pneumonia or leukemia - there are some successes in the anecdotal records but nothing confirmed in reality. In the South and West, swearing can be fatal.

Swearing can be eliminated through a number of methods. Whatever reward the swearer is getting from the behavior must be eliminated or the rewards for non-swearing behavior upped. However, if swearing is a normal in-home behavior, chances of its elimination or slim and none.

Assuming that the kid doesn’t have Tourette’s syndrome in which swearing is a tic, and is treatable with medication, then the tried and true parental “Do as I say, not as I do” approach works pretty well. I swear a lot at home, especially when discussing behavior and expectations. I don’t swear at all at work regardless of how frustrated I happen to be. I’m certain that it would be considered highly offensive if I did. I also do not tolerate swearing in my children or their friends, nor do they engage in it in my presence, or in the presence of other adults. I would consider it highly offensive if they did, and would take action accordingly. (They quite possibly do use inappropriate language in private with their peers, but I wouldn’t consider that a problem as long as no adults were around.) I don’t see a problem with inconsistency here either, BTW. A home is not a democratic institution, and a child is not the equal of an adult, and should not try to usurp the privileges of adulthood, which include the moderate use of strong language.

If you find swearing so offensive, why would you swear at your child? Why would you show your child less respect than a co-worker?

I consider swearing part of my culture… yes I was born in a trailer park… and I take a certain amount of pride in my cultural identity. I never swear at my children. My husband and I do occasionally use swear words in our conversations about the world around us. We do this much, much less since having children. Not because we think the occasional use of such language is bad but because we know other people do think it’s bad and we don’t want our children to suffer from other people’s negative judgements. One of my boys tenatively tried to use a socially unacceptable word once and I explained that I know he probably learned it from mom and dad but that he should know that there are some people who might think he wasn’t nice if he said it in front of them. I know children aren’t great at censoring their thoughts and if someday I got a call from the principal because my son was caught swearing I wouldn’t be mad. If it became a problem because of the way or amount it was being used, I’d be concerned enough to do something about it. I agree with the idea that using swear words is not an intelligent or creative way of speaking. It’s actually quite lazy… and comfortable… and can sometimes make you feel down right good when used properly. Personally, I don’t think I’d feel comfortable with someone who claimed that they never even used swear words in the privacy of there own home when they thought nobody was looking. Of course, I wouldn’t swear around people who would find it disrespectful any more than I’d serve steak to a vegetarian (unless I truely didn’t respect them). But keep in mind that it would be just as disrespectful to knowingly use language that was too “intelligent or creative” around people who haven’t had the priveledge of a good education if it would make them feel bad. I had a Yale educated boyfriend back in the days when I was an uneducated high school drop out. I swear… if we argued about something, he would intentionally use words I didn’t know. Now that I’m university educated… I worry sometimes that I might sound like a snob to some of my friends that I grew up with. I think the occasional swear word, when hanging with old friends, makes us all feel a little more at home. Like I said before, it’s part of my culture. On the other hand… I think I score pretty low on the social intelligence scale so I probably have no right to comment on such weighty subjects.

Rose, please don’t take this message as meaning I am in anyway more intelligent or better than anyone else because of my opinions. They are just my opinions.

The poster I responded to said, “I swear a lot at home, especially when discussing behavior and expectations.” - I may be wrong in assuming that he/she was speaking to the child, and if so, I am terribly sorry. If not, I just disagreed with his/her approach. Do as I say not as I do.

I am not saying I have never used foul language. I have. I also grew up in a home where there was foul language used. I just find it odd, and did as a child, that someone can be using foul language to tell you you are not supposed to use foul language. I always thought, if it is so bad that I will be punished for it, why is it being used by an adult who knows the difference between right and wrong. It must not be that bad. So, I learned not to talk that way in front of my parents. That’s all I learned from it.

It wasn’t until I became an adult that I decided that I didn’t want to participate in using that language as a common practice because it seemed I was always stressed and angry when using the language. It was a very difficult to stop. Not using foul language has actually relieved stress and angry feelings for me. I’ve learned other ways to handle it. It seemed the more I used bad language, the angrier I became. Think about it. You need angry thoughts to use angry words. And of course, I slip every now and then. I’m only human. Anyway - back to the topic.

I stronly believe that children with learning differences need to see the desired behavior not just be told about it. They need modeling of social behaviors, as well as, discussion. When they do use a bad word in your earshot, it needs to be handled in the same manner as any other unacceptable behavior. Explain the consequences to the action and follow through every time. Do not yell or curse. State the infraction and why you feel it is unacceptable and the consequence. Then follow through.

Many people that use foul language use it out of habit (a learned behavior), and they lived in an environment where it was commonly used. It doesn’t make them bad people. It doen’t make them unintelligent. But, if you don’t want your children to use that kind of language, you should not model that behavior in front of them, especially if you believe it is too offensive to say in front of co-workers, strangers, etc. I’ve never been a big fan of the do as I say not as I do theory of parenting. However, I know alot of parents that are, including my own. The majority of changes in my life came about from the consequences of my actions as an adult, not from my parents telling me not to do something they were doing. As adults we are responsible for our behaviors and words. If a parent doesn’t want their child participating in a behavior, maybe the parent should be modifying his/her behavior, too. Just as you have modified your behavior to not say foul words in front of your children very often. As you said, you don’t swear at your children.

As a matter of fact I don’t find swearing particularly offensive in adults, unless personalized. Thus, I consider “you f_ing idiot” to be out of bounds in any context, but I do not consider the following tirade (given in the last couple of weeks) to be out of bounds. “G*dd*mnit, this is disgraceful, shocking, shameful work! That your teacher gave you a B- can only mean that she thinks very little of you. If six failed math quizzes and nine missing homework assignments over a six week period merit a B-, then clearly it is impossible to fail! Show up, occupy valuable real estate, consume oxygen, and emit waste gases and no doubt she will pass you even if you do no work at all. BUT, and let me make this ABSOLUTELY clear, I will not! And, let me tell you, it is an insult, not a compliment, when a teacher winks and nods at this kind of appalling performance.”

On the other hand, I would not tolerate the above tirade from a minor child to a parent. I also don’t have any objection to drinking a single glass of wine at dinner, but I have never served wine or even New Year’s Eve champagne to my kids. Let them wait for the privileges of age!

Why would I show my child less respect than a co-worker, you ask? I don’t care even one tenth as much about my co-workers as I do about my children. If one of my subordinates gave me this sort of grief, I would not read him the riot act in the above terms. Instead I would say, quite courteously, and with an encouraging smile: “I’m afraid that I have some reservations about your performance. The problems, as I see them, are X, Y & Z. What do you see as being the reasons for these failures?” I’d then put him on a performance improvement plan. If he shaped up, well and good. Most people do. If he didn’t shape up, I would eventually end up firing him. But obviously, I’m not going to “fire” my child.

In your example you only said one swear word. In your earlier post you said alot. If this is what you mean by a lot, my sincere apologies to you. A lot to me means that you must wade through the swear words to get to the point, and no child ever deserves to be spoken to like that. Again, my apologies.

The subject brought up some issues I found interesting and I decided to share them. It’s amazing to me that some people can make such a big deal out of swearing. Of course, nobody wants to be sworn at but other than that I don’t feel that swear words are that different than other words. Any word used excessively could become annoying. Like, you know when someone says like all the time it’s, like, annoying. I only started the thread because a young child at school is getting into trouble for swearing and I was trying to help find information for someone but I now realize that people’s reactions to swearing vary greatly. For all I know, the people upset with this child could be making a mountain out of a mole hole.

You are right. People’s views vary greatly on this issue. But to curb any kind of behavior that is unwanted:

State the unwanted behavior as a negative thing to engage in.
Sate the consequences that will follow if the behavior is engaged in.
Follow through CONSISTANTLY when the behavior occurs.

Modeling the wanted behavior helps reinforce the desired behavior.

However, if a parent believes a behavior is acceptable and the school does not, it makes things difficult. It is really hard to punish a child for something you feel is not wrong. But, in life, you can’t always behave the way you want where ever you want. For example, yelling in a library is unacceptable. You will be removed if the behavior is continued after warnings to stop.

Our school does not tolerate swearing by students, faculty, or visitors at school or on the bus. Few people find not swearing offensive. Swearing is a behavior that can be modified in school, just as yelling is a behavior that can be modified in a library. Maybe the parent can use that logic with the child.