not sure if you all can help but

Hi.

I am not a psychologist, but from your description your grand daughter’s problem is more emotional than anything else. You said the mother abused and abandoned her…..maybe you can consult with a social worker or psychologist and go from there.

This seems pretty clear cut. She has great trouble reading and doing school work and while doing school work or reading, she becomes very angry and strikes out at others.

There’s no mystery there. The only possible mystery is how does she manage to hit and kick while doing work or being read to? Does she physically get up and go over to the younger child and hit and kick her while adults are watching this?

The least thing that could happen here is that you tell her granddaughter you’ve noticed that she becomes angry and even abusive to others while she is unhappy about her school work. At the least, I’d point out that hitting and kicking do not help her to do her school work or to feel better about it.

I believe from your post that there is an array of issues here.
“My oldest granddaughter has absoultly no contact with her mother due to abuse”

Being abondoned or abused by your mother can cause major emotional issues and turmoil. This occured regardless of her reading problems.

“She tells the child and everyone but her dad she wishes they were dead or that if they won’t go away she will kill herself. “

A little girl says these things because she hurts,again regardless of whether she can read or not.

“My daughter offered to move but the reaction was that my granddaughter went into a rage, claiming she knew her aunt didn’t love her.”

Your daughter offered to move over the behavior of a little girl? Having that much power over a family is very scary for a little girl.

“These things usual occur when we are trying to do homework or read with her”

She only gets upset or says things like what is above, when reading?Emotional issues will most definitely prevent academic progress.

“But my son says she is fine and that she will grow out of it, he won’t get her tested or allow her to see even the school counclour”

Here is the biggest concern. After all is said and done,your son is in denial that there is a problem. If this situation is allowed to continue without intervention there will be much bigger problems. She needs mental health help. She needs educational help,but emotional issues will prevent academic progress quicker then anything.

Sandy,

The angry behavior you describe is not uncommon in children who are the victims of abuse. If your granddaughter also has learning difficulties on top of having been abused, she is very much at risk. I assume that a social worker was involved in her life at some point. Can you talk to that person about obtaining some kind of counseling? I can understand why your son would want to believe that she will grow out of it. That is a lot easier than facing the fact that his child, whom he loves, has been the victim of something truly terrible. I’m sure he has good intentions, but I’m hoping that there is some way that you can make him see that his child is in pain and needs help.

Andrea

Hi Sandy,
Somehow you are going to need to convince your son that his child needs testing and counseling. And it’s important to do this now and not wait, because the longer he waits, the worse it’s going to get.

Also, depending on how severe the harrassment is, the older child may need to be seperated from the younger one — or at least closely monitered. It’s emotionally unhealthy for this second child to have to deal with daily physical abuse from this other child (or any other person). That needs to stop immediately.

I think the entire household should be in some type of therapy in order to learn how to deal with the dynamics of the situation. If it were me, I’d insist that this be mandatory for anyone living in my house.

Thankyou all for the advise. I will let my son and daughter read these post. Mabe it will help. My daughter has her child in therapy, and goes once a week with her. Her child goes twice a week by herself. The only contact with social services was when my oldest granddaughter was placed with us four years ago on a permant basis. They looked over the house and my sons job history, and approved him. We never heard from them again. And unless there is away for me to get her tested without his approval, it wont happen. Because we tried therapy with him when me and his father devouresed he is convenced it don’t do no good.

I agree with the other responses. The childs family doctor may be able to provide a referral for therapy. Childrens therapy from what I’ve noticed firsthand is really geared for the children to open up, a gentle non-combative environment. Insurance may/may not cover this-you’ll have to check.

My son is currently in therapy with a psychologist. Its slow but I am noticing subtle positive behavior changes. We havent addressed medication yet but if needed it is something to consider.

This board is a good place to vent too. It helps to talk about these things & know you’re not alone. Hang in there :)

Sandy,

I agree with everybody that has written to you. I feel for you and your granddaughter. Has the school sent home notes about your granddaughter having problems with her school work or her behavior. Who goes to your granddaughter parent/teacher’s conferences. If you do maybe that’s you way in. Tell the teachers the problems you have with her at home and ask for suggestions. I know your son must be hurting from this too. Wheather he had a bad experience with the counselor or wheather he did not really try when he went is the reason he does not think it worked. Just because it did not work for him does not mean it would not work for her. Isn’t it worth the chance to see? He doesn’t have anything to lose. Ask him again tell him to let her go for several visits if he does not see any changes then don’t take her back. Don’t tell the child, because she will go in there with a closed mind and hate it from the start. Children are smart. When your grandchild is doing her homework may a deal with her. That if she sits down and does it will not complaining or getting mad you’ll bake cookies with her, take her to McDonalds, take her to the park or watch her favorite movie with her. Something that she likes to do or something that she does get to do on the week nights. See if that will work. I have an 8 year old son, I have tried this with him. It worked, but you also have to show them that you mean what you say. If she does not do her homework without being ugly or mean do not give her the special treat, but she does make sure you do the special thing. Before you tell her this make sure that you can do whatever she will pick, because if you can not there will be more of a problem. You know maybe the reason she acts ugly to her aunt is because she see her with her child and it upsets her that she can not do that with her Mother. Maybe that’s something else her aunt can do something just with her or for her. What ever you do don’t over do it or she’s start taking advantage of it. I’m not good with girls, because I have two boys. I have a question for you when you are taking care of your granddaughter while your son’s out or at work, does he let you make the decisions on things concerning her(like punishment, rewards, what snacks she can have etc.)?

Wish you all the best, keep us informed.
Kim