How to explain...

I don’t have an answer to your direct query, but I do have a couple of comments…

First a question, are these twins identical?

You do not mention what this boy’s LD is, but if you can possibly afford it remediation therapy may bring a pleasant surprise. It is not uncommon to be both LD and Gifted, and there is the possibility that he too is Gifted, but that between the LD and the ADHD it is being suppressed. Also, not trying to play amature psyche, but some LD’s manifest themselves as ADHD, so remediation may also bring some degree of releif from the attention problems as well.

Many school systems do not begin offering any remediation until the 3rd grade, and then it sometimes is less than optimum. How is your school doing with your boy?

Well, first of all I’m just a parent - and I must say you are in a very delicate situation. How significant are your 1st son’s LDs and ADHD? Does he HAVE to be in one of those “special” classes. Remember 1 thing: “:Special ed is a service NOT a location”. Most schools do not see it that way. Could you afford private remediation?

I say those things b/c private remediation is not as severe an esteem buster. You can explain to both your sons how everyone’s brain works differently, etc., etc. Does your 1st son have an specific strengths in areas that your gifted son does not? Alot of gifted children are not super coordinated, or fast, or athletic - hardly anyone has the “whole package”. Is your gifted son LD as well?

We recently had a similar situation (not nearly as delicate) on my daughter’s soccer team. A group of the “best” girls on the team qualified as “all stars”. They will be playing in an “all star game”. I believe the other girls should be told instead of the “all stars and coaches” sneaking around having a game where some are not invited. I think ALL should be invited, either to play or “root” for those who aren’t “all stars”. My dauighter (not an allstar) saw it differently. “But, Mom, Coach ____ said we’re ALL the best and we’re ALL what made this team the best in the league. I explained to her that ____ and ___ were much faster than she is, that ____ can kick harder so you must admit they are “better” in those areas, BUT that “you (meaning my daughter) have a very special relationship with animals and NONE of the other girls do”. (she can calm a gorilla) She got a big smile on her face. Though she’s still not thrilled that she didn’t make “all star”, I have convinced her to go to the game if she’s invited.

I bet your ADHD son is a faster runner, or a higher jumper or SOMETHING better than your gifted son. Find it. OR MAKE IT UP if all else fails.

Just the pure fact tht you are so concerned tells me you try to find ways to do this. BTW, private remediation can make a real difference in your LDer’s life. In a few years the difference may not be as noticeable.

Hang on I’m SURE much better “advice” will follow on this bb.

I don’t have twins but I do have 2 children with opposite strengths.

My 9 year old is LD and his 4 year old brother can do puzzles better than him already. The 4 year old will do well in school because he just happens to have those talents that are needed for school. He does not have my LD sons verbal abilities. My LD son did a verbal report in school this week and the class cheered and shouted, “do it again.”

I try and tell them that everyone in the world has different strengths and some people do well in school and some do better in the real world, some do well in both.
Read the book, “Emotional Intellegence,” that Patty has discussed. It discusses the truely important skills. It is a must read for all parents.

My husband did well in the real world and not so well in school so I have a good example to use. There are many examples of very successful people that did not do well in school but had other gifts.

Hi Amy,
I know how hard that is. You don’t want to hurt any of your children, but you also want to be able to celebrate their individual accomplishments.

With my own children, they are “polar opposites.” What one is good at the other is not. What I do is try to make sure I’m “celebrating” them each for their strengths. I’m guessing your LD son has at least one strength that your other child doesn’t. Maybe in sports, communication, fun to be with …or….?

Also, consider having your LD son tested for the gifted program as well. Sometimes LD’s “mask” giftedness.

Thank you all for your comments. Here are some responses to your questions:

My boys are fraternal twins.

My son with LD has had various services through the school since 1st grade, but not proper remediation. I tried some last summer and last fall with a private ed therapist, but it was too little. I’ve been exploring private options for months to get in place this summer and feel I am back to step one - I’ve posted about these conflicting recommendations here and on the teaching boards.

He is in a general ed class with 2 hrs resource a day - they don’t use proper techniques, so progress is minimal.

Apparently the gifted testing at the school consisted of the selected children completing booklets in small groups. My son with the learning disabilities can barely read.

I know this sounds awful, but I really don’t know what his strengths are at this point - other than being basically a lovely person (which I am not minimizing) when he’s not wildly ditractable and inattentive - to capitalize on. I know he needs further assessment but part of my problem is where and by whom.

You are very blessed. I would explain that each of them have their own strengths and weaknesses. They are getting what they need.

You will find that the LD son will have strengths in other areas that your “gifted” son doesn’t. I have a twelve year old LD that can do plumbing and rewire house, and reads fourth grade level. He brings all his homework home and completes tasks on time.

I have a nine year old that reads in fifth grade level, and chooses only to remember the ESPN schedule and when the pistons and redwings play. Getting homework home for him is chore and accomplishing seems to only be done with taking Sportscenter away.

Celebrate your children’s strengths and remember that what works with one of your children, will not inspire the other. Be patient and supportive to your children. It is a difficult road when you want the best for both of them, but we all must achieve and have disappointments. It makes the success that more important.

I would also recommend separate extra-curricular acitivites ex. sports and boy scouts.

I know how lucky I am with these children. I not only love them both but I like them so much as people. It’s just that I know one son’s style and specific needs have not been properly identified. There are so many programs and anecdotal info out there. His special needs will continue to be a challenge, but we are at a crossroads again and I am so full of anxiety about getting some of the right academic thing in place for him asap. I know his strengths will emerge over time. We are seeking consultation for behavioral advice for all of us.

Last year one boy did swimming and the other soccer. Now they are both playing baseball, and soccer in Sept. But this is what they both want. It will be good that they will be doing separate activities this summer.

That is so sweet. Yes, I just adore my son. I think he is just amazing in so many ways.

He is the type of kid I can just think about and get tears in my eyes because he is so amazing.

Do you think I could get a bumper sticker that says that?

Maybe we should manufacture one and use the money for remediation they so desperately need but aren’t gettting through the school system!

Sorry, just one more comment - sometimes I feel like my heart will never stop breaking. I just pray that - although I realize this is not going to be cured and go away - as certain areas are properly addressed (and I know eventually he will learn to read and eventually when doing math he will stop counting out each number involved) and I see progress and see that my child feels the progress, I will be able to focus more often on the positive rather than what feel like all the enormous challenges current and ahead.

Thank you all for listening.

When I was under 20 & going after my wildlife degree, I spent some time cleaning swimming pools on spring break. Very seasonal work — mostly workers who “made lifestyle choices” that kept them from keeping jobs for long.
One fellow on our crew (half a dozen or so of us would go out to a community-sized pool, drain out the water, grab galley brushes and buckets and pour hydrochloric acid down the walls & scrub at it, shovel out the leaves & muck) was just not a fast mover. Mostly this didn’t matter — but at the deep end, timing would get important as that last water was being sucked out and you had to scrub and rinse before things dried out and just caked into the poolside. So one fellow was often getting hollered at to just get out of the way. He wasn’t too popular.
So my sister says one day, “Why not go back and get the truck ready to pack up?” (okay, female status helped) And he did… and of course, it was easier to pack up because of what he’d done. My sister made note of specific stuff that had made the packup quicker… well, by a few days later, we were a more efficient crew and this fellow was the back-of-the-truck-organizer, and I, who had been sure in my utter teenage wisdom that these hardened guys would just roll their eyes at silly girls’ complements, learned a thing or two about the benefits of boosting egoes — and finding strengths. And it doesn’t even matter whether he was the world’s best truck-organizer or not. Niche matters.
Yea, most of the stuff that did me the most good as a teacher, I learned cleaning or lifeguarding at pools.

My son has made so much progress in the past year that I went from feeling lost to feeling empowered that I can help him and everything will be just fine. We have tackled one deficit at a time. I don’t think he will have a major learning issue in the future. He does well on the higher level stuff, I just need to get these lower level skills out of the way.

Maybe most kids can read and even write well, but can they tell a joke that brings down the house, can they convince anyone to buy anything, can they think of a new way of doing things in a split second.

I have also accepted that if things get rough at school I will just homeschool him for awhile. That thought as deflated the schools power and helped me to sleep at night.

I wonder what feelings the boys have. Has the twin with LD ever communicated what it’s like for him when his brother is able to do things that he can’t? I suspect that he’s aware of differences, even if he hasn’t talked about them. And what about the gifted boy? What is his awareness of his brother’s difficulties?

Although it can be painful to deal with having a disability, wouldn’t it be positive if the son with LD could talk about his feelings? And what is it like for the gifted boy? Sometimes when a sibling has a disability, the non-disabled child has feelings that are difficult to deal with. (e.g., guilt at not being disabled, resentment at the extra attention given to the disabled child)

To know that the gifted boy is no more responsible for being gifted than the boy with LD is responsible for having LD may enable you to communicate in a way that is positive for both boys.

Perhaps explaining that people are born different might help. Also, there are some children’s books that might prove useful in explaining differences.

In my opinion, self acceptance is the goal. Part of self is our strengths and weaknesses. If these are denied, we can not fully accept ourselves.

To be afraid of the pain of dealing with these issues is natural. (It’s hard to hear a child talk about the frustrations and other difficulties of having a disability.)

I once worked with a mildly retarded adolescent who had an identical twin who was normal. He couldn’t do things that his brother could do. My message to him was that he could be “slow” and still have a good life. I acknowledged that there were things he could never do (e.g., go to college), but that there was a lot that he could. I truly believed this. I truly believed that he could have a good life. I think this came through and helped him to have more hope for the future - hope that he didn’t have when his problems were denied.

Hi,
I am in the boat with you. My older son has had academic difficulties since first grade and is now an 8th grader with special ed. support. My youngest is an A/B honor roll student who was spelling his classmates names to me in kindergarten. They both have adhd but it is expressed differently in both.

Occasionally when the youngest tries to make the oldest feel bad about grades, I have to point out that big brother is highly organized in his room, has a great work ethic and will persevere when things are tough. (He mowed 3 yards in one day last summer)

All qualities that little brother would do well to cultivate because I think employers appreciate those qualities. Little brother’s room is a mess, he quits in the middle of things that are boring or hard (he’s jealous that bb has earned money but won’t learn to mow, which is how bb earns his). Money isn’t even much of a motivator for him. School comes easy for him, I think he believes everything else should also.

At the same time, it is hard to find the balance of being excited about yet another honor roll certificate and not making the kid with a D in math feel worse because in all honesty, the older one is making a much bigger effort in school.

It’s tough, I am not sure there is an answer except we try and do our best as parents to show that we love them for them.

Amyf

I too, in my younger and, of course, thinner days was a lifeguard, WSI, and cleaned pools. I have to agree things that I learned during those years have stayed with me.

Especially, if no one is code blue and it’s just blood — clean it up….It will get heal. If they are code blue call for help…and start compressions. Isn’t that what we do everyday in our own lives? We take care of the big issues and fill in the small issues the best we can.

Our lives should be about allowing our children, friends, and family grow into the beautiful people they are. In return, we also grow. I had to go through a lot of STUFF to get here, and I am pretty proud, I have come this far.

Amy,
You are realizing an important thing. It’s not always how “brillant” you are, but sometimes it’s how hard you’re willing to work.

I really think in the long-run the good work ethic is the more valuable “gift.”

Amy,

You could be talking about my husband and I. He did much better in the working world than me because of his work ethic.

I didn’t do so bad. I got him.

You made me laugh!!! Again. Thanks.

Beth

This is what we really need to teach our children. If you can’t gain success in a career or are just not that motivated too, find someone who is and marry them.

It isn’t even a gender issue anymore.

Now, I made myself laugh.

I absolutely talk to each boy about his feelings. This is also why we are going to see a family therapist, to facilitate, and allow each child to talk privately if they’re comfortable.

Thank everyone for all your responses. These boards are wonderful.

You are a very dedicated mom and that counts too!!!

Beth

One thing I would do is push for “organizational” help through OT.

Arlene,

I found your response very insightful……and one that applies to all families—not just one’s with twins.

Beth